# I just don't believe in no darned Bible. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 24, 2006, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012 "2006-08-24T08:01:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/1 "2006-08-24T08:01:21Z")
First of all, it’s in Old English, like Shakespeare or Beowulf or something–“thou shalt” this and “thou shalt not” that–but it’s actually supposed to be way older than Shakespeare–shouldn’t it be in Babylonian or something like that? I don’t believe in any of it. I think King James just made the whole thing up so he could go around talking about the “Divine Right of Kings”. Besides, even if it were for real, and not a hoax made up by King James, it’s not like we have any of the original words in Babylonian or Hittite or whatever–first it was translated into Ancient Geek, then into pig Latin, then French or something, and maybe Etruscan somewhere along the way, and then Old English, so it’s like that old game of “Chinese whispers”–who knows what the Bible really said? For all anyone really knows, it may have said we should all party and have fun and stuff–“Thou shalt commit whatever feels good”. But then it got all changed. You know, by the priests and the Pope and stuff, so they could be in charge. Plus, since they never bothered to translate it out of Old English, who knows what it means now? I mean, what the hell does “begat” _mean_ anyway? “Behold, thou shalt not begat to covet unto thy neighbor’s emerods, lest ye be smitten unto the LORD” or some damn thing. Also, it’s full of contradictions–like, how can you have a LAKE of fire?!? A lake is made of WATER–water PUTS OUT fire. And it says you should rest on Sunday, but then you have to get up early and go to church–if we’re supposed to rest on Sunday, shouldn’t we be sleeping late? So, what the hell is with the quality of creationist argumentation we’re getting right now? Granted, creationist arguments have never been what you’d exactly call intelligent, but c’mon–[people asking for the “missing link” between fish and pigs](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7707191), or [dogs and “the primordial soup”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7695047), [or amoebas and humans](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=385373), and of course the ever popular “Them pointy-headed scientists are [just big fat liars](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7707324) who’re gonna [burn in hell!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7707383)”–what the hell ever happened to “Look! Footprints of dinosaurs and humans, side by side!” or “The human eye is too complex to have possibly developed by ‘random chance’”. I mean, Jesus, those were at least semi-intelligent. It really would be a big deal if human and dinosaur remains were found together; the Argument from Design has a long and somewhat honorable history. Hey, how about the old [“natural selection is just a tautology”](http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/evolphil.html) bit–now there’s one we could sink our teeth into. “Can we be moral if we’re just animals and have no absolute standard of ethics?” Instead, we’re getting [the Argument from “La-la-la-la! I can’t hear you! I’m sticking my fingers in my ears!”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7695230) ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/2 "2006-08-24T09:23:47Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > and of course the ever popular "Them pointy-headed scientists are [just big fat liars](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7707324) Ah yes, the round hole of truth. I think I’m beginning to see the light. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/3 "2006-08-24T09:39:02Z")
FTR, the KJV is not in [Old English](http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/old%20english). Nor is it in [Middle English](http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/middle%20english). It’s in [Early Modern English](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_James_Version). ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/4 "2006-08-24T09:40:44Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > FTR, the KJV is not in [Old English](http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/old%20english). Nor is it in [Middle English](http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/middle%20english). It’s in [Early Modern English](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_James_Version). Next thing you’ll be claiming it wasn’t written in Babylonian and translated into Ancient Geek and pig Latin, either. ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/5 "2006-08-24T09:47:56Z")
Ancient Geek? What’s that? FORTRAN jokes? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/6 "2006-08-24T10:10:33Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > Next thing you’ll be claiming it wasn’t written in Babylonian and translated into Ancient Geek and pig Latin, either. Pig Latin, hmmm? THERE’S YOUR DAMN LINK RIGHT THERE, SPARKY! FROM PIGS, TO LATINS, TO MODERN HUMANS. AND IT’S BEEN IN THE BIBLE ALL ALONG. CASE CLOSED! ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/7 "2006-08-24T11:46:50Z")
At the risk of derailing a perfectly good Joke Pit Thread 🙂 :eek: I feel I should mention that while the main thrust of your Pitting – against the current crop of “Creationists” – is well-earned, the lead-in paragraph is a really bad argument. 'Cos, you know, the source of the bible (at least the Old Testament) is perfectly available to you. What’s that? You can’t read Hebrew? Call yourself well educated… even I can read it…😛 ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/8 "2006-08-24T11:49:21Z")
> [@Noone Special](#): > > …the lead-in paragraph is a really bad argument. You mean, as opposed to creationists demanding that we show them examples of transitional fishpigs? ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/9 "2006-08-24T11:52:35Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > You mean, as opposed to creationists demanding that we show them examples of transitional fishpigs? So, not only is your Pitting a Joke Thread, it’s also an unacknoledged parody of someone else’s style? Dude, you are so going to be in trouble with the Mods here… Oh… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/10 "2006-08-24T11:52:39Z")
> [@Noone Special](#): > > At the risk of derailing a perfectly good Joke Pit Thread 🙂 :eek: I feel I should mention that while the main thrust of your Pitting – against the current crop of “Creationists” – is well-earned, the lead-in paragraph is a really bad argument. 'Cos, you know, the source of the bible (at least the Old Testament) is perfectly available to you. > > What’s that? You can’t read Hebrew? Call yourself well educated… even I can read it…😛 Ah, but can you read Aramaic and Greek? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/11 "2006-08-24T12:05:30Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > Also, it’s full of contradictions–like, how can you have a LAKE of fire?!? A lake is made of WATER–water PUTS OUT fire. It is possible to have a lake of fire, and if you don’t agree, he’ll throw you in it. See? ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/12 "2006-08-24T12:11:24Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > Ah, but can you read Aramaic and Greek? Yup. Not that I **understand** the Greek, mind you (it’s all Hebrew… er I mean Greek to me!), that part is just phonetic. Aramaic I can understand pretty well, though (it’s relatively close to Hebrew) ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/13 "2006-08-24T12:24:19Z")
You have to admit, though, a missing link between fish and pigs would be pretty cool. Evolution really should have thought of that. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/14 "2006-08-24T12:55:29Z")
Perhaps these stupid arguments are a good sign; maybe the folks intelligent enough to put forth a non-retarded anti-evolution argument have to brains to eventually see the truth about their arguments. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/15 "2006-08-24T13:24:50Z")
Mmmm… Pigfish. The other white meat. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/16 "2006-08-24T13:42:37Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > First of all, it’s in Old English, like Shakespeare or Beowulf or something–“thou shalt” this and “thou shalt not” that–but it’s actually supposed to be way older than Shakespeare–shouldn’t it be in Babylonian or something like that? I don’t believe in any of it. I think King James just made the whole thing up so he could go around talking about the “Divine Right of Kings”. Well, you’re correct to not believe in it. However, King James didn’t make it up. He simply had a translation done of much older versions that were Greek and Latin translations of even older versions written in Hebrew. Those original documents were the ones that were made up. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/17 "2006-08-24T13:50:34Z")
Way to go. _This’ll_ convert the heathens. You’re laying it on with a trowel, friend **MEBuckner**. I sympathize, but this pitting, I’m afraid, hurts as much as it helps. The problem is that sarcasm and irony and analogy are weapons requiring tools of perception not in the shed of those at whom you’re aiming: if someone hasn’t the synaptical connections required to understand the concepts you’re promoting, they’re invulnerable to the rhetorical devices you’re using. So you’re preaching to the long-converted. Others will recognize your OP as derisive, but they’ll get nothing else out of it. This plays into a common problem – the tendency of people to dismiss the things they don’t understand, the mental leaps they can’t quite make, as mere tricks played on them by people who want to feel superior. The more you press forward with the superiority (they can understand _that_ – they’ve had more of it than anyone needs), the quicker they’ll learn to hate the message. But if all you want to do is express your contempt and make enemies who will teach their children to hate evolution and secular education too, have at it. Everyone needs an outlet. As for lakes of fire, you’re old enough to remember this: [Lake Erie - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Erie) Best regards and wishes, but the people who successfully taught these folks the wrong way didn’t do it by abusing and mocking them. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/18 "2006-08-24T13:54:06Z")
BWA HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! ROTFLMAO just isn’t going to cut it. Fucking brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/19 "2006-08-24T13:58:17Z")
> [@Nic2004](#): > > Mmmm… Pigfish. The other white meat. Omega3-rich bacon! Suddenly the BLT is health food. Damn. Somebody really should have thought of this before. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2006, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012/20 "2006-08-24T13:58:45Z")
_of ever-ever land i speak sweet morons, gather round who does not dare to stand or sit may take it lying down_ [sub]Folks, it’s a parody thread, with the first two paragraphs as a parody of the lame arguments against Creationism, and the requisite links appearing in the final paragraph.[/sub] Daniel [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-dont-believe-in-no-darned-bible/370012.md?page=2)