# I just ended my relationship with my mentally ill mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 18, 2011, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959 "2011-06-18T19:21:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/41 "2011-06-19T11:07:15Z")
Wow - unanimous agreement on The Dope. It must truly be a sign from the heavens. šŸ˜ƒ Thanks for all your support and insight - I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. This experience has been quite the revelation for me, not only with regard to Momā€™s behavior but with my own. Itā€™s been hard facing those little parts of me that have been afraid to grow up - I want my Mommy, I want to be the good girl - but itā€™s also been liberating to realize the ways she reinforced those feelings and how unhealthy they really are for me. As I was telling someone via PM, this is a time of major transition in my life. I just graduated with my MSW and will be starting my professional career soon. We are going to move by the end of next month closer to my husbandā€™s university. I am going to start a new rather intensive treatment for depression (transcranial magnetic stimulationā€¦ brain zaps 5x a week for 4-6 weeks) and it could have a radical affect on my mental health, for the better. Then there will be moving again, and childrenā€¦ the further we get into the future the less it makes sense to endure this relationship. it just feels like the right time to let go of the old and burdensome and embrace the new and empowering. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/42 "2011-06-19T11:15:20Z")
[QUOTE=Ferret Herder] Good for you. That wasnā€™t a mother-daughter relationship, that was a hostage situation. [/QUOTE] If you donā€™t mind, I think I may steal this and use it as a daily affirmation. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/43 "2011-06-19T11:27:34Z")
Go ahead, Iā€™m sure I stole it from somewhere myself. You could probably turn half the sentences in this thread into decent affirmations without much effort, I think. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/44 "2011-06-19T12:30:16Z")
I really admire you for taking this action! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/45 "2011-06-19T14:02:31Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Itā€™s funny, I think I almost liked being able to hold onto that identity as that long-suffering good girl whose capacity for forgiveness and compassion was limitless. Absolutely brilliant bit of self-analysis there, my dear. šŸ˜‰ Of course you liked it. Who wouldnā€™t? You get sympathy and admiration and validation for your frustration, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow on it. But you know what? Being at peace and knowing you and your family are safe and dramafree feels even better. Not as exciting, though. You may, perversely, find you miss the drama sometimes. Iā€™d suggest finding other accomplishments to be patted on the head for and creating healthy excitement in your life to replace it. Prepare yourself to be awesome in other ways so you donā€™t crave and recreate the pattern, okay? I know you can, 'cause you \*are \*awesome in so many more ways than being a martyr. {{{ **olives** }}} ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/46 "2011-06-19T14:05:34Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I am going to start a new rather intensive treatment for depression (transcranial magnetic stimulationā€¦ brain zaps 5x a week for 4-6 weeks) and it could have a radical affect on my mental health, for the better. Please, _please_ come back and talk about that! ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/47 "2011-06-19T15:02:58Z")
**Olives** , you absolutely did the right thing. I was in a similar situation as **Shayna** and ended my relationship with my sister, who also had borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, and I too am going to steal **Ferret Herder** ā€™s ā€œhostage situationā€ comment for those few remaining idiots who think itā€™s ā€œsuch a shameā€ that I didnā€™t have a better relationship with my sister before she drank herself to death. No, it was such a shame that she was so self-destructive and alienating that none of her family would have anything to do with her ā€“ and I hope your mother decides that treatment is the better alternative. Because it is possible, and it can work. You deserve a healthy relationship with your family. **Olives** , you rock, and **Sr. Olives** rocks too. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/48 "2011-06-19T16:01:19Z")
**Olives** , Iā€™ll add my voice to the support. You did the right thing. Iā€™ve ended contact with relatives for far less. You are a saint for putting up with as much as you did. You are a good person for seeing your limit and sticking to it. You did everything you could to salvage your relationship with your mother. She did exactly zero to salvage her relationship with you. You have to protect yourself, and your husband. With kids coming into the mix, you are one zillion percent correct that this dangerous person must be out of your life, even if she is a relative. Especially if she is a relative. I know this was a very hard decision for you, but in my experience itā€™s the hard decisions that matter, that we look back on with pride. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/49 "2011-06-19T16:31:57Z")
**{{{{{{{Olives}}}}}}}** Just saw this, and read it all the way through. For what itā€™s worth, Iā€™d like to add my support for the decision you had to make. Itā€™s time for you and the **Sr.** to have some ā€œusā€ time. Youā€™ve hung in there much longer than I would have! Hugs! Your pal, Quasi ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/50 "2011-06-19T16:47:46Z")
Just popping in to say what everyone else has saidā€¦good for you. I know itā€™s hard. Think about what **moejoe** said about getting no response. You might be frustrated for a while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have a plan to move on even if there is no closure drama. And in my 10+ years mostly lurking on the SDMB I canā€™t remember a time when anyone was so universally agreed with. It is a sure sign of the rightness of your actions. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/51 "2011-06-19T16:54:36Z")
Good for you. It was indeed a hostage situation, and we absolutely do not negotiate with terrorists, physical or emotional. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/52 "2011-06-19T17:40:24Z")
I posted this link in another thread, but I think you might get something out of it, as well. [How to Deal With Crappy People](http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/06/how-to-deal-with-crappy-people/) > [@](#): > > **Crappy people: People who will do you harm** , no matter what you do, for no reason at all. They never will get it. They will say and do things to you and they will never ever understand how evil they are. > > And you will hate them. HATE THEM. And they knock on the door of your brain at three in the morning and they want to yell at you. And you yell back. And they yell back. And on and on. All day. All afternoon. The ongoing conversation with the shittiest people in the world. They will torture you, kill you, rape your wife and slit the thoughts out of your mind and not even care because they think they are doing the right thing. **You know who Iā€™m talking about.** Because you have a good 20 or 30 of these in your life just like I do. They might even be former friends, relatives, neighbors, bureaucrats, whatever, whoever, whenever. They swoop down on your life and are just plain crappy and they wonā€™t even know it. > > . . . Sending you strength vibes! ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/53 "2011-06-19T17:59:12Z")
When I saw the thread title I double checked the user name and immediately said to myself ā€œThank god!!!ā€ Iā€™m so glad for you. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/54 "2011-06-20T00:38:27Z")
Good for you Olives. Behind you and this decision 100%. Youā€™re very brave. ---
**Author:** ![Ritter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ritter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ritter)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/55 "2011-06-20T07:35:16Z")
You are amazing, **Olives**. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/56 "2011-06-20T09:57:35Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > . I am going to start a new rather intensive treatment for depression (transcranial magnetic stimulationā€¦ brain zaps 5x a week for 4-6 weeks) Iā€™ve heard/read about this, but you are the first I know in ā€˜real lifeā€™ that is doing it. I am very interested in your opinion and thoughts and, naturally, your outcome. Welcome to a new chapter in your life! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/57 "2011-06-20T12:04:01Z")
I just wanted to say ā€œit was a long time coming and I think you did the right thing.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/58 "2011-06-20T14:52:47Z")
Thanks everyone so much for the continued support. Whew, itā€™s been quite a rollercoaster of emotions. Iā€™ve had a lot of sadness, I guess because doing this forces me to accept what I never had and probably wonā€™t ever have. Iā€™ve been able to stay in touch with the grief without feeling too sorry for myself - but itā€™s interesting, I have been a little sad for her, but mostly sad for me. And I havenā€™t cried yet. Iā€™m not sure if I will. Then on the flipside this decision seems to have energized me to let go of all the crap that has been holding me down - both metaphorically and literally. Iā€™ve decided to get rid of a bunch of stuff in my house that Iā€™m tired of hauling around every time we move - including my philosophy and Spanish books, things that Iā€™ve always considered an extension of my identity but just sit there unused for the most part. Thatā€™s a pretty radical decision for me, the book-hoarder, but I feel like I donā€™t need those to validate my identity any more than I need Mom to remind me who I am/where I came from. Iā€™m beginning to feel the liberation of this decision and I imagine that feeling will only grow with time. I feel like Iā€™m clearing away clutter to make space for the stuff I actually want. Today she will most likely receive the letter, so Iā€™m nervous, but Iā€™m also hundreds of miles away, so that helps temper the anxiety. Good things will come of this, even if itā€™s hard at first. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/59 "2011-06-20T14:54:20Z")
Right on, baby. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959/60 "2011-06-20T15:03:59Z")
Prayers and vibes and everything else your way! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-ended-my-relationship-with-my-mentally-ill-mother/585959.md?page=4)