# I just found the worst fantasy novel ever **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 7, 2003, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849 "2003-07-07T20:26:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/41 "2003-07-08T23:56:23Z")
Whew! If there’s one thing worse than [godawful fanfiction](http://go.to/godawful), it’s godawful published fiction. If a hack like Newcomb can get this tripe printed, there’s hope for all the other misogynistic, perverted, bad writers out there. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/42 "2003-07-09T00:17:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Avalonian \* > \*\*I just found it interesting (though not very surprising) that she also liked V.C. Andrews, the author who continues to publish from the grave (she’s that good!). \*\* She’s the Tupac Shakur of writing! ---
**Author:** ![Balduran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cc9497/32.png) [@Balduran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balduran)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/43 "2003-07-09T11:35:28Z")
After this thread, curiosity got the best of me and I read some of the amazon reviews, which seem very polarized. However, the negative reviews are better written. But I have a question, many of the reviewers, positive and negative hail his new form of magic. Care to spoil it for us with a little summary **ITR**? ---
**Author:** ![Fibber\_McGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a6a055/32.png) [@Fibber\_McGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fibber_McGee)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/44 "2003-07-09T11:53:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SpazCat \* > \*\*She’s the Tupac Shakur of writing! \*\* Apparently, neither you nor Avalonian have ever heard of L. Ron Hubbard . . . ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/45 "2003-07-09T12:35:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RikWriter \* > \*\*Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out that way. Dreck like the above book gets published because the author has connections. \*\* Absolute nonsense. Dreck like this gets published because there’s a market for it. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/46 "2003-07-09T14:08:39Z")
Actually, its a reasonable question as to how an unknown like Robert Newcomb gets his debut put out in hardcover by DelRey – an imprint of the mighty Random House, which in turn is owned by the megaconglomerate Bertelsmann Group. None of which are known for taking chances on the little guy. I mean sure, an original paperback I could see… but a 3-book hardcover deal? There has to be more to the story. ---
**Author:** ![Neidhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Neidhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neidhart)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/47 "2003-07-09T14:22:00Z")
When you see a new Xanth novel on the shelves, the correct response is **"HULK SMASH!!!** ---
**Author:** ![Neidhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Neidhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neidhart)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/48 "2003-07-09T14:23:01Z")
**"** ---
**Author:** ![Avalonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@Avalonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avalonian)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/49 "2003-07-09T14:31:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fibber McGee \* > \*\*Apparently, neither you nor Avalonian have ever heard of L. Ron Hubbard . . . \*\* Of course I know about L.Ron… I was reading _Mission Earth_ when he died (I was a kid at the time, give me a break. I’ve grown into better taste). However, V.C. Andrews is much more [prolific](http://www.completevca.com/art_galeneider1999.htm) post-mortem, writing some 15 books after her death in 1986. OK, and I’m just going to stop looking this stuff up, because it’s really getting to me. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/50 "2003-07-09T17:33:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Balduran \* > \*\*After this thread, curiosity got the best of me and I read some of the amazon reviews, which seem very polarized. However, the negative reviews are better written. But I have a question, many of the reviewers, positive and negative hail his new form of magic. Care to spoil it for us with a little summary **ITR**? \*\* It’s a standard white magic and black magic system with the names changed. The magic that the good guys used is called “The Vigors” (The Vigors?) and the magic used by the sorceresses is called “The Vagaries”. The only unusual part is that only people born with “endowed” blood are capable of practicing magic. At one point the bearded wizard mentor explains that when people have endowed blood, their blood is actually alive. Maybe it has mitochlorians or something. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/51 "2003-07-10T14:19:15Z")
If anyone is up for more punishment, I have not one but two copies of the second book in the series _The Gates of Dawn_ to give away absolutely free. The only thing I ask is that you don’t sell them for profit. (Give em away, burn 'em in effigy, donate to an unsuspecting library, cherish in secret, I don’t care) email me if you want one. ---
**Author:** ![RobuSensei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/919ad9/32.png) [@RobuSensei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobuSensei)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/52 "2003-07-10T16:27:59Z")
I’d like to add some more candidates for this “honor:” Anything by **Robert Stanek**. I’ve never read his stuff, but I find it intriguing that his publicity campaign seemed to be nothing more than the carpet-bombing of [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) with five-star reviews. If you do a search for his stuff, you’ll find that he has a ton of wonderful reviews, interspersed with the occasional “I bought this based on the reviews, and man, did it suck” comment. A lot of the reviewers (Mr. Stanek’s buddies?) would also do brief reviews of Tolkien, Brooks, Martin, Pullman, etc., which would invariably say something like “On par with the works of Robert Stanek,” or even “almost at the level of Stanek.” Amazon has apparently pulled/edited most of those. Another author which leaps to mind is **David Eddings**. He writes good characters, but nothing bad ever happens to them unless it’s forshadowed at least two or three books before, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Oh, and it has to be quickly reversed, preferrably within a chapter or two. (“man with two lives,” my ass…) As far as I can tell, Eddings’ body of work consists of the same story told three or four times over. And finally, another one that’s fun to look up on Amazon: **“The Legend of Rah and the Muggles,”** by **Nancy Stouffer**. Oh, I’m sorry – that’s “N.K. Stouffer.” This book is notable because a) Ms. Stouffer actually had the nerve to sue J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers for plagiarism (what do the books have in common? The word muggle) and b) it’s incredibly bad. Take note of the fact that this book’s alleged intended audience is 4-8 year old children, and then read this paragraph: > [@](#): > > On the far side of the earth Aura citizens fought great wars with other nations. They had lived a relatively peaceful coexistence until government representatives became restless and greedy. The need for power and control seemed to spread throughout the Congress of United People, C.O.U.P., like a disease out of control. The discord caused great unrest within the colonies. Absent any real or decisive leadership, citizens gathered arms and formed militia groups. These splinter revolutionaries were determined to reclaim democracy, and preserve the legacy their forefather’s had given their lives to make possible. The rest of the introduction, if you care to read it, can be found at [http://www.realmuggles.com](http://www.realmuggles.com) ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/53 "2003-07-10T17:10:08Z")
I was at the bookstore yesterday, and noticed _The Gates of Dawn_ on one of the front tables. I opened it at random and read just enough to see that it really is badly written, and many hundreds of pages long. In a way this gives me hope for getting published myself. Instead of reading _Gates of Dawn_, just read the chapter “The Piper at the Gates of Dawn” from _The Wind in the Willows_. That probably has more effective fantasy than Newcomb’s entire body of work. ---
**Author:** ![Quantum\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e79b87/32.png) [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/54 "2003-07-10T20:20:02Z")
Dunno if this counts as fantasy, but has anyone else read the original Tarzan and the Apes? One wonders how Burroughs ever got it published. Gag, gag. AND I saw at least ten sequels on the shelf at the used bookstore! ::shakes head:: I reluctantly agree with the prevailing opinion of Mr. Jordan’s work. The first three books or so were pretty good, but he doesn’t know where to quit with the details and sub-plots! I bought Crossroads this last winter, discovered that I had completely forgotten who half the characters were, and the book’s been gathering dust on my shelf ever since. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/55 "2003-07-10T21:04:21Z")
> [@](#): > > I challenge you with Piers Anthonys second Incarnations book “Holding an Hourglass” I think, about the Incarnation of time. Good sweet jeebus, that was awful. Hey, I resent that remark! But I’ll certainly agree that Anthony is a hack, and that most of his stuff is total dreck. Having never read the book the OP is complaining about, I can’t exactly make a fair comparison, but I have read _Mercycle_, _Macroscope_, and _Race Against Time_ (no, I’m not sure why I read all three… I’ll plead youthful bad taste, here). I find it very difficult to believe that any other work of so-called literature can remotely approach any of those three in sheer stinkitude. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/56 "2003-07-10T21:35:18Z")
gotta add in another “exactly!” to **godzillatemple’s** remark on the magic of xanth series… ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849/57 "2003-07-10T22:19:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RobuSensei \* > The rest of the introduction, if you care to read it, can be found at [http://www.realmuggles.com](http://www.realmuggles.com) \*\* Oh, yeah! I’d forgotten about this one, or I too would have suggested it. I’ve actually read the entire book (what can I say–I’m a masochist Harry Potter fan, but we did have fun giving it the MST3K treatment while reading it aloud). If you don’t want to inflict the book on yourself but want to know what the book whose author sued J. K. Rowling and lost is all about, check out this [summary](http://www.magespace.net/mugrev.html) I wrote after I finished reading it. It is a truly appalling book. :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-found-the-worst-fantasy-novel-ever/186849.md?page=2)