# I just learned my wife is a pyromaniac. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 1, 2012, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403 "2012-02-01T08:54:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/1 "2012-02-01T08:54:06Z")
I pit idiots who let their wives almost burn down the neighbor’s eucalyptus grove. Once a month, my wife gets aches and pains. That’s today, so I asked her if she wanted to relax and watch a movie or something. No, she’d rather start a fire. I’m not speaking of a small trash fire, but burning an acre or more of weeds. On a hot day(_). I checked our running water: Not running. But lack of running water doesn’t matter much I guess: even with it, by the time we got a long-enough hose connected and unkinked any fire would be out of control anyway. :smack: (_ - Yes, a hot summer day. We’re in the Northern Hemisphere, but winter lasts for only 2 or 3 weeks here and has been over for a while.) Big flames; fires die down; I’m relieved. No … premature relief: She starts another fire. I give up in annoyance and go back to browsing SDMB. Before long … panicked screaming! I race out. Normally we proceed through the fields with caution after they’ve been burned, as snakes will be about looking for a new home, but this is not the time for caution about snakes. The fire has spread to our property line. “We” started the fire now because neighbor’s sugar has been cut down already, but the fire has gotten to a corner with another neighbor’s eucalyptus grove. This was all part of the “plan,” mind you: my wife thought she could single-handedly protect the eucalyptus grove, but didn’t realize there were enough dry leaves among the sugar stumps to set that field on fire, and had to abandon the eucalyptus to save the sugar stumps. So there I am, trying to hold the fire back from the eucalyptus while she puts out the fires in the other neighbor’s sugarcane field. And if those tall dryish gum-trees ignite I don’t think we’ll be able to stop it. I’m pretty sure the law reads _“You burn it, you buy it.”_ I’m not a country boy and don’t recall ever fighting a threatening fire before. (I doubt if fires were even legal where I lived in California.) But somehow, with me following wife’s instructions, the two of us managed to put out the fires. Besides killing some sugarcane stumps and a dozen teak trees, all ends well. (The teak trees were pretty much in their death throes anyway from all the previous fires.) I didn’t have time to change into “fire-fighting clothes” and am sure Mrs. Septimus will yell at me for wearing nice (but unwashable) beige trousers on “fire day.” :smack: So, I got a little adrenaline throbbing through my veins this afternoon. Any other Dopers whose wives are pyromaniacs? ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/2 "2012-02-01T08:56:07Z")
Thats hot! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/3 "2012-02-01T08:56:57Z")
Pyros can be fun. Just sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/4 "2012-02-01T09:02:33Z")
Wow! I can’t get my wife near an open flame. You are so lucky! ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/5 "2012-02-01T09:04:56Z")
> [@septimus](#): > > I didn’t have time to change into “fire-fighting clothes” and am sure Mrs. Septimus will yell at me for wearing nice (but unwashable) beige trousers on “fire day.” :smack: Dude…no. Wrong answer. This is your ticket to sex on demand, and an endless supply of your favorite meals. Your wife screwed up in a major way, and you fixed it. That is not the kind of thing you can let her forget. EVER. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/6 "2012-02-01T09:42:53Z")
Gotta go with Oak. This landed in your lap like a present from God. You married a psycho? Awesome! Er, I was taught that you shouldn’t put it in the crazy, but DAMN! ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/7 "2012-02-01T09:48:15Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > Er, I was taught that you shouldn’t put it in the crazy, but DAMN! Much like “don’t do drugs” that rule is best broken occasionally 😛 ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/8 "2012-02-01T10:16:21Z")
I’ve had a few “significant others” over the years, and the present (and certainly permanent now) Mrs. Septimus definitely would rank at or near the top for mental health. \One previous SO had Howard Hughes’ disease, owed her psychiatrist more than $100,000 in co-payments and, I think, was written up for a psychology journal. She ended up with a career as marriage counselor. :smack: Writing this now, it seems too unbelievable, but it is true. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_With_The_Golden_Gun)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/9 "2012-02-01T11:07:20Z")
Did you marry her because she was an old flame of yours? ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/10 "2012-02-01T12:57:09Z")
…hunka hunka burnin’ love… ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/11 "2012-02-01T20:21:47Z")
"Smokin!’ ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/12 "2012-02-02T05:44:31Z")
Just a heads up for you. If you are the sort who sometimes has ‘panic dreams’, i.e., cant get to the airport on time, late for school, etc. etc. then this little episode is going to be a recurring dream for you. Trust me. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/13 "2012-02-02T06:02:53Z")
I wish my GF was a pyro… everything is more fun with fire! ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/14 "2012-02-02T13:02:10Z")
My husband loves to burn things and blow things up. (What boy doesn’t?) So, he became a firefighter. He gets to play with fire, without the [sequelae](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sequelae). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/15 "2012-02-02T13:06:13Z")
Pffft. Second World Problems. (I’m so joking! Don’t hate me! Yikes, that must have been terrifying! Glad you’re all okay.) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/16 "2012-02-02T13:48:57Z")
I used to know a girl named Sequelae. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/17 "2012-02-02T13:55:35Z")
I’m going to go out on a limb here – is Mrs. Septimus a redhead? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/18 "2012-02-02T14:58:01Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Pffft. Second World Problems. Second world problems? They had this problem in Soviet Russia and Communist China? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/19 "2012-02-02T15:14:26Z")
> [@Mr.Slant](#): > > Second world problems? > They had this problem in Soviet Russia and Communist China? (I thought tropical island paradises were included in second world…no? I thought it was war torn hovels with no infrastructure that were third world, sorry. I’m probably just an idiot.) ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403/20 "2012-02-02T15:18:40Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > (I thought tropical island paradises were included in second world…no? I thought it was war torn hovels with no infrastructure that were third world, sorry. I’m probably just an idiot.) Nope. 1st world = democracy, and color TV for all, air conditioning for all 2nd world = potatoes, vodka, Borat 3rd world = no color TV and AC for all Cite: [http://www.nationsonline.org/oneworld/third\_world\_countries.htm](http://www.nationsonline.org/oneworld/third_world_countries.htm) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-just-learned-my-wife-is-a-pyromaniac/611403.md?page=2)