My life is currently pretty good, really. I enjoy my job. I’m getting paid well. I like where I live. The weather is nice. My evenings are pleasant. I spend my time doing things I like to do. I’ve got a few cool possessions that I treasure.
Not all is beer and skittles, however: I’m alone and lonely. I’m starting to feel old. My body is beginning to seriously fall apart, most particularly my teeth. Stupid little things, that shouldn’t matter, now annoy me.
But compared to some people’s lives, those things are insignificant. I really have little to complain about.
So why is it that I keep thinking that I’ll be dead within a few years? I have these thoughts every so often that all my worries won’t matter, because I’ll probably be dead soon anyway.
Now, I’m not depressed. Far from it. And I’m certainly not suicidal - I don’t want to end my life by doing it myself. But I am introspective (because I’m alone most of the time) and I also know I have nothing and nobody to live for - it’s just me, with no expectations of things improving any.
So what I want to know is if this is a really bad sign - in which case I should seriously do something about it, or is it just a natural sign given my circumstances - so I should stop worrying, and these thoughts will eventually pass?
Hey Guano. I think perhaps you do wan to get hold of this fairly soon. it could become depression, if it is not already. Perhaps a visit to a GP might be a start. What seems now like a little introspection can quickly become more, and you may not even be aware of it happening.
Other than that, I see you are in Melbourne, want to go grab beer sometime?
I agree that you should visit a doctor and have a talk about your life. He/she may be able to put 2 and 2 together and tell you how likely it is you really are depressed. It could be nothing–but OTOH it could be something you want to nip on the bud or at least be watching for.
In the meantime, do what you like to do. Enjoy your evenings, your fun times, your possessions; get drunk, get strung out if that’s your thing; have fun with life. You know what? A lot of people don’t realize how good life really is. It’s a beautiful thing that you do.
Good luck, and here’s hoping it’s nothing to worry about!
I know just what you mean and I don’t think it’s depression. I’m divorced and live alone but wouldn’t say I’m lonely other than the fact that I’d like to see more of my kids. Really my life is a lot like yours - I like work (and only do 4 days a week now), I have money in the bank, I do pretty much whatever I want whenever I want, I’ve got fuck all possessions to worry about except books, CDs and a new PC. But once in a while I have the same fleeting thoughts that you do, but so did my parents and they have done for 20 odd years (it’s just hard to believe you’ll ever be in your 70s) and they still have a fine time.
I think what lets this stuff happen is focus or lack of it. When we’re just cruising along, same old same old, we aren’t really living in the present we are clinging to the predictable past which is secure and consistent. Thoughts of death are really about how if things don’t change we will die unfulfilled. I think it’s just a little reminder. Some people even have suicide thoughts they can’t explain because they have no intention of doing it. My mother stopped thinking about death when she acquired a chronic illness that seems to have left her less able but much happier.
Two things can help you slough of these feelings if they are only transitory. Get a goal, a new goal, and start working towards it. Get a pilot’s licence, get an inshore skipper’s qualification, write a novel, do an adult education course, volunteer for something. Pick one you will genuinely look forward to. Do anb inventory each day. Before you go to bed work out what you did today - what was good, what was bad, what you learned - and close the books on it. It’s surprising how full your life is if you start paying attention.
You can enhance this feeling too by observation - pay attention to how you do things and change how you do things each day. Just observe how you do some things - answer the phone, pour your coffee, put on your shoes and change others - move your alarm clock, drink with the other hand, order something you’ve never eaten for lunch, wear your watch on the wrong wrist.
See a doctor if you’re worried but either way go grab that beer.
Don’t ask I think you’ve nailed it exactly. The biggest relief I’m feeling right now is that it’s not as unusual as I feared, and is as common as I hoped.
And your advice is damned good too. Apart from the beer, as I don’t drink, but I’ll find an equivalent.
I have many things that I have started and never finished. maybe it’s time I worked my way towards finishing one, and giving my evenings and weekends purpose. That not only makes a lot of sense, but it would be a good thing even if I wasn’t feeling this introspective.