# I laugh at the faux culture warriors. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 21, 2013, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892 "2013-12-21T12:15:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Askthepizzaguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askthepizzaguy/32/9405_2.png) [@Askthepizzaguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askthepizzaguy)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/1 "2013-12-21T12:15:15Z")
I am not sure there’s really any way to take the piss out of the war-on-traditional-values people any more than they already have been by professional satirists. But the most amusing thing to me is the outrage at the supposed injustices they have to face, being white and Christian and middle-class in America in December, right around Christmas time. Stores saying “Happy Holidays” and decorating festive yet non-denominational or outright secular trees. People having the gall to say X-mas instead of Christmas. What [secular weirdo](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas) ever came up with the idea of censoring G\_d’s name in the first place? Ah, a thousand year old tradition originating from Christians themselves. What’s that? Christians not even understanding the origins and/or funny little details about the very religion and/or tradition they so cherish? Talking out of their ass at every conceivable opportunity? Color me red and green… with surprise! But yes, a public school for everyone, including people who are neither Christian nor religious, being inclusive by not making the Hindu or Jewish or Muslim or atheeeeeeeist kid feel unwelcome or unimportant by celebrating the “holidays”, that, my friends, is the absolute height of religious persecution. Oh the horrors of being middle-class white christian people in America around December 25th. It’s almost as though you couldn’t travel 25 feet without running into tinsel or shiny flickering lights adoring trees, bushes, houses, and an otherwise nude Mrs Claus when she’s feeling \*particularly \*jolly. Manger scenes in every other yard. Churches somehow still prominently displaying crosses adorned with snow, somehow not burnt to the ground in this ever-damned post-Christian hellscape. The rapture, of course, being nigh. These are the end times. I read about it in a book written by a person with actual Biblical training, therefore it must be the word of G\_d. Who keeps censoring that word? Must be those thrice-damned \*\*atheists \*\*again! But yes, the suffering, the unimaginable horror of being a Christian in a predominantly Christian country, with legal protections for religious freedom, speech, and private display (private as in, in \*\*public \*\*view on your \*\*private \*\*property). It is as though you couldn’t walk into any store with shelves in America and buy several different flavors of candied cane. I weep for the plight of the harried and noble Christian culture warrior, whose very existence is being threatened by the political might of all those great many atheists holding publicly elected office, whose campaign war chests surely dwarf the meager pockets of the few, the proud, the churchgoing. I sadly drip tears of unimaginable sorrow when I think of all those state constitutions that require people to swear their non-belief in G\_d in order to even legally hold public office. Thank goodness the Constitution of the United States overrides that insidious attempt by the power-hungry non-believers out there to prevent good and noble Christians from serving the country that they love, in spite of the fact that no politician would ever pander to them disingenuously by saying how much they support traditional family values while boinking mistresses, prostitutes, and the occasional bathroom stall buddy or rent-a-boy. Woe! Woe and lamentation for those poor, poor children unable to find the word of Christ anywhere but at their home, at their friend’s houses, and at church, and literally everywhere else but the few schools who have decided on a more secular path! Why, the fact that a few schools have gone all the way toward acknowledging that Christians are not, in fact, the entire demographic of America, nor the triumphant and benevolent shepherds and overlords of civilized history, means that Christians now fully understand what it is to be oppressed. It is slavery. It is apartheid. It is the end of Christendom itself! Now, the white Christian middle-class American has tasted true oppression, and can now hang out in clubs reciting poetry which reveals in detail the pain and anguish they have suffered under the crushing foot of almighty Atheismo. The shoe now on the other foot, they can now put their hand on the shoulder of struggling and oppressed minorities and say, “I feel your pain”. They can now look into the eyes of those children who are homeless because their parents disowned them for being gay and tell them, without any hint of sarcasm, that their children are suffering as well, for not being able to spend a few hours on weekdays not hearing the name of Christ in publicly-funded song which everyone is either required to sing or stand aside, awkwardly, on stage, saying nothing and being the obvious sore thumb. Children are REALLY understanding about that whole odd-person-out thing, and would \*\*never \*\*be insulting or violent toward a child who is different. Yes, Christmas warriors, as you sit with your families next to your Christmas tree adorned with festive lights, with a yule log in the fireplace, carefully wrapped gifts which you can easily afford to buy with your middle-class salaries, in your safe, privately-owned home on your privately-owned plot of land, with your house a veritable Las Vegas of Christendom, and the ever-present mass-produced jesus statue right there in his manger on your front lawn, in your safe neighborhood full of ethnically un-diverse and affluent people who all agree with your general belief system, in a rich and powerful nation that ferociously protects your rights of freedom and property, without worry of invasion or coup or rocket-propelled grenade, you have clearly tasted the hell of persecution. You are losing the war on Christmas, and indeed, the war on America herself, unless you make certain that everyone is required by law or by threat of boycott to pledge allegiance to republic of an America under G\_d, while wearing their patriotic flag pins, and say Merry Christmas instead of Happy holidays! Because let me tell you something brother, you haven’t tasted persecution until you’ve felt the pulsating, throbbing fear deep inside the heart of red state America, (also known as Real 'Merica) that one day, sometime in the distant future, they will not hold the utter monopoly on wealth, power, status, and thought in a multicultural and religiously diverse melting pot of America. It’s fine that we have your tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free, as long as they only exhale the words “Merry Christmas” with those breaths. You see, those other people in our melting pot are more than welcome, as long as they speak flawless English, and believe in the same god, and are of the same cultural and ethnic background as we are, or are \*courteous \*enough to live in some impoverished ghetto which is N.I.M.B.Y. and never once accept government assistance, such as, say, tax reductions for having a child or a mortgage. Or a deduction for that fact-finding business trip to Las Vegas where, by the way, your gambling losses were also tax write-offs. Those ungrateful minorities, always suckling at the government’s teat without having to pay their own fair share! That’s \*OUR THING! \* Here’s to you, “oppressed” white middle-class Christian-American on Christmas: I wish you a sincere **Happy Holidays** during this time of year which I know is _particularly hard_ on pretentious pampered ignorant blowhards who have always had everything in their lives go exactly their own very privileged way, as the _mere acknowledgement_ of there being other people in this country not exactly like yourselves is just too much stress for your sheltered fucking little weeping hearts to bear. If only you could just tear yourselves away from your blogs freely explaining in horrid, ignorant detail how much your God hates the queers, whilst simultaneously decrying your loss of religious freedom at the expense of others’ intolerance, while wondering aloud (with a straight face) just who in the hell it was who took the Christ out of Christmas, and realize how much of a tool you are, it would \*truly \*be a Christmas miracle. Also, that Duck Dynasty guy is pretty much the conservative’s idea of Jesus. He just tried to explain how he never met a black person who suffered under Jim Crow laws, and how awful gay people are, which I’m pretty sure is the message Jesus died on a cross for, and all those people with thoughts in their heads got all pissy. What’s their deal anyway? Freedom of speech means never having to hear other people tell you how much of a fucking blowhard you are, right? Right??? …oh… ---
**Author:** ![Doughbag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Doughbag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doughbag)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/2 "2013-12-21T12:46:08Z")
Santa Claus lives on the North Pole, delivers his presents, which are produced by Elves, magically with a flying sleight, that’s being pulled by Rudolf the red nosed reindeer and his cohorts. Slips down the chimney and drinks Milk and chocolate cookies, all over the world – at the same time (well…) It says so in the Bible – it’s all true. The Earth is 6000 years old and flat. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/3 "2013-12-21T12:53:31Z")
I wish you all a savage Christmas and a violent New Year. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/4 "2013-12-21T13:32:58Z")
> [@](#): > > If only you could just tear yourselves away from your blogs freely explaining in horrid, ignorant detail how much your God hates the queers, whilst simultaneously decrying your loss of religious freedom at the expense of others’ intolerance, while wondering aloud (with a straight face) just who in the hell it was who took the Christ out of Christmas, and realize how much of a tool you are, it would truly be a Christmas miracle. This was my favorite. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/5 "2013-12-21T14:05:14Z")
The title promised a “laugh”… _[montypython] “I came here for a laugh!” “No you didn’t.” [/mp]_ ETA: I still enjoyed it. Can you somehow get it read in a Paul Harvey voice on rightie talk radio? ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Jocko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncle_jocko/32/2932_2.png) [@Uncle\_Jocko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Jocko)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/6 "2013-12-21T14:19:15Z")
> [@Askthepizzaguy](#): > > Freedom of speech means never having to hear other people tell you how much of a fucking blowhard you are, right? Unfortunately there appears to be a large contingent of Americans whom, if pressed, would claim this is the exact wording of the First Amendment. When will this relentless persecution of American Christians end? When will the true theocracy foretold to us by Jesus and the saints (St. Robertsons Pat and Phil, St. Falwell, St. Phelps of Westboro) finally come to pass? Oh, the huge manatee! ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Jocko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncle_jocko/32/2932_2.png) [@Uncle\_Jocko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Jocko)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/7 "2013-12-21T14:21:04Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Can you somehow get it read in a Paul Harvey voice on rightie talk radio? _ **That** _ would be hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/8 "2013-12-21T14:30:35Z")
That was swell, **pizzaguy**. Good to see that you are still one of our finest ranters. And **Uncle Jocko** , I am totally stealing “the huge manatee”. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/9 "2013-12-21T14:47:28Z")
“My Illusion of the World is superior to your Illusion of the World.” And then I go listen to Peter Gabriel’s “Not One of Us” ---
**Author:** ![Fluffy\_PickleSniffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/77aa72/32.png) [@Fluffy\_PickleSniffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fluffy_PickleSniffer)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/10 "2013-12-21T14:51:58Z")
You’ve got the best rants in the place - I love you, Pizza Guy! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/11 "2013-12-21T15:08:33Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I wish you all a savage Christmas and a violent New Year. Now this made me laugh. Mostly because of the weird images of “A Mad Max Christmas” or “The Road Warrior’s Holiday Special” that came uninvited into my mind. ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/12 "2013-12-21T15:13:08Z")
The invisible green dragon in my garage approves this message. 🙂 He told me so. Well he didn’t really say so ,but I felt his love for it. ---
**Author:** ![DMC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dmc/32/18049_2.png) [@DMC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMC)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/13 "2013-12-21T22:08:19Z")
And now you know the rest of the story. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2013, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/14 "2013-12-21T22:13:25Z")
I’ll have a large pizza with tomatoes and green peppers, please. Good Yule!! ---
**Author:** ![sinjin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@sinjin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinjin)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/15 "2013-12-22T01:05:46Z")
Can I be on your mafia team, please 🙂 We could rant all night long. Oh and kill players too. Win, win. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/16 "2013-12-22T01:42:45Z")
So. . .that was satire, right? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/17 "2013-12-22T05:10:38Z")
That was fucking brilliant **Askthepizzaguy**. Truly a piece worth keeping. Just the other day some mouth-breathing cretins got on talk-back radio here in Melbourne, whingeing and moaning like mad about Xmas being stolen or some such shit. Had I had your OP on hand then, t’would have been just wonderful to read it back to them (swapping Aus for the US of course). Alas, most of it would have sailed right over their heads, but anyway…😃 Get it published man, it is freakin’ _ **awesome**._ ---
**Author:** ![all\_timestamps\_displayed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/958977/32.png) [@all\_timestamps\_displayed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/all_timestamps_displayed)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/18 "2013-12-22T06:22:07Z")
Don’t hate on the Christian right morons, they’re just morons. Hate on the fuck heads at the top who are manipulating them into acting like such morons - they’re also manipulating “your” side into pointing, laughing, and feeling superior in nice neat predictable ways. Then ask for whose profit you’re being pitted against each other - it’s not yours. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/19 "2013-12-22T18:31:05Z")
> [@all\_timestamps\_displayed](#): > > Don’t hate on the Christian right morons, they’re just morons. > > Hate on the fuck heads at the top who are manipulating them into acting like such morons - they’re also manipulating “your” side into pointing, laughing, and feeling superior in nice neat predictable ways. Then ask for whose profit you’re being pitted against each other - it’s not yours. Yes, this. It seems to me that whenever you find a conflict, you’ll see that there is a group who has an interst in that conflict continuing. The groups ostensibly on different sides of the conflct are being used. So, here in the US, you’ve got a small, but vocal, group of fundamentalist Christians ranting about the “war on Christmas” and the coming imposition of Sharia law on the United States. And you’ve got a small but vocal group of militant atheists who are more than happy to give the fundies something to rant about. And the Koch brothers are laughing at both of them, while their stooges (O’Reilly, Hannity, et al.) keep on stirring the pot. ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892/20 "2013-12-22T22:19:00Z")
> [@Doughbag](#): > > Santa Claus lives on the North Pole, delivers his presents, which are produced by Elves, magically with a flying sleight, that’s being pulled by Rudolf the red nosed reindeer and his cohorts. Slips down the chimney and drinks Milk and chocolate cookies, all over the world – at the same time (well…) > > It says so in the Bible – it’s all true. The Earth is 6000 years old and flat. Wrong on so many counts… Santa lives in Lappland. The reindeer who pull his sleigh are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. After coming down the chimney Santa drinks a glass of sherry and eats a mince pie. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-laugh-at-the-faux-culture-warriors/676892.md?page=2)