# I like her -- a lot. She likes me. She's taken. Should I stop seeing her? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 14, 2009, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225 "2009-01-14T06:37:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/41 "2009-01-14T22:23:22Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > This does make me wonder, though. Do women ever approach people like me actually believing a platonic friendship is possible?\ I mean, are they really that clueless? Or do they simply get off on being cruel? šŸ˜• Are men so clueless as to believe that **every** woman who talks to them for a short while is both available and interested? šŸ˜• ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/42 "2009-01-14T22:25:31Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Are men so clueless as to believe that **every** woman who talks to them for a short while is both available and interested? šŸ˜• Many are, yes. Countless rejections will do that to you. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/43 "2009-01-14T22:41:00Z")
Fuck it. Pursue her. Life is short. Have fun. ---
**Author:** ![Hippy\_Hollow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hippy_hollow/32/4841_2.png) [@Hippy\_Hollow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hippy_Hollow)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/44 "2009-01-14T23:05:04Z")
As others have said leave it alone. My work draws me into a lot of social situations with single women, and some Iā€™m sure are testing the flirting waters. Iā€™m married, so itā€™s no go with me. But without knowing people, thereā€™s no way of knowing if sheā€™s just striking up a friendly conversation or wants you to sweep her (and her kid) off her feet. Nobodyā€™s mentioned the fact that she has an S.O., and if theyā€™re having problems and heā€™s the unstable type, you might find yourself much deeper in this than youā€™d like. IME, when Iā€™ve had those encounters with flirty-type women - who are also objectively attractive - their boyfriends/husbands know it, and they often donā€™t take it well. It wouldnā€™t be good for you, or her, or him, if that e-mail somehow ended up in his hands. ā€¦which you decided not to send, thank God! Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/45 "2009-01-14T23:25:37Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Are men so clueless as to believe that **every** woman who talks to them for a short while is both available and interested? šŸ˜• Pretty much, yes. Of course, given that most women assume that the extremely subtle, mixed, and often wildly inconsistent signals of attraction they give off will somehow be correctly interpreted by men, what, really, do you expect? Conversely, a man will make a simple and meaningless offhand comment that a woman will take back to her girlfriends as fodder for an hours long deconstruction. As for the o.p., I quote from David Mamet, ā€œWhenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.ā€ Find another venue and another girl. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/46 "2009-01-14T23:30:02Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Are men so clueless as to believe that **every** woman who talks to them for a short while is both available and interested? šŸ˜• I donā€™t know that Iā€™d go that far. However, 1. Married women are _much much_ easier to talk to, because you take the guessing game out of the conversation. I can just assume sheā€™s not interested and be myself. (If only I could learn to speak so freely to _single_ women, damn it.) 2. If **Reply** wants her all for himself, heā€™s going to have to repeat to himself: _theyā€™re having trouble staying monogamous._ Thatā€™s whatcha call a Big Red Flag. 3. If **Reply** is anything like me, women simply _do not_ come up to talk to me out of the blue. Ever. Anywhere. For any reason.\* What am I _supposed_ to think? \*And if women _are_ flirting with me, theyā€™re too damned subtle about it. Weā€™ve had this conversation before, too. When a woman says ā€œHi! I havenā€™t seen you in a while!ā€ itā€™s supposed to mean either ā€œI remember you vaguelyā€ or ā€œIā€™m secretly interested in youā€ but I never know which. ---
**Author:** ![Pollux\_Oil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/858c86/32.png) [@Pollux\_Oil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pollux_Oil)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/47 "2009-01-15T00:50:18Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > Dude, no. No correspondence. Sheā€™s got a kid in diapers for Christā€™s sake. Seek coffee and company elsewhere. I donā€™t see why no correspondence is being pushed in this situation. Weā€™re getting his side of the story and how heā€™s feeling. We have NO idea what sheā€™s thinking. For all we know, she thinks sheā€™s made a new friend and nothing more. Sheā€™s given him her e-mail. If he drops off the face of the earth with no word, she might end up sending HIM an e-mail. Iā€™m all for saying donā€™t go to the coffee shop again, but cutting off correspondence cold turkey is, in my opinion, a bad idea. Iā€™ve been on the giving and receiving end of sudden ending of communication and itā€™s not a good feeling when somebody just stops talking to you and you donā€™t know why. ---
**Author:** ![jessesheeran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ccd318/32.png) [@jessesheeran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jessesheeran)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/48 "2009-01-15T08:45:17Z")
just write her an email that says just a little more that ā€œhiā€ and see what happens ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/49 "2009-01-15T14:16:05Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Are men so clueless as to believe that **every** woman who talks to them for a short while is both available and interested? šŸ˜• Hmmm? She talked to him for quite a while about every issue under the sun, including sexuality. Youā€™re right that not every encounter is like this, but in this case I could see him thinking itā€™s more than a chat about the weather. ---
**Author:** ![Rachael\_Rage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@Rachael\_Rage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachael_Rage)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/50 "2009-01-15T15:21:47Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > When a woman says ā€œHi! I havenā€™t seen you in a while!ā€ itā€™s supposed to mean either ā€œI remember you vaguelyā€ or ā€œIā€™m secretly interested in youā€ but I never know which. Why canā€™t it mean ā€œI havenā€™t seen you in a whileā€? I too am baffled by the general assumption that when a conversation occurs between two strangers it means that one of them wants to have sex with the other. Are committed people _never_ allowed to meet or chat with new people without being accused of cheating or being teases? Is it impossible for a conversation to have no mysterious sexual agenda? It drives me batshit insane when I tell my SO that ā€œI was talking with so-and-so todayā€¦ā€ and if so-and-so is male (whether a co-worker, friend or stranger) he always asks if the guy was hitting on me and/or if I want to have sex with him. Itā€™s become a joke now (Me: ā€œI was talking with so-and-so todayā€¦ā€ SO: ā€œGo to him.ā€), but is so ridiculous to be accused of cheating/flirting - or to be the unwitting recipient of flirting - in _every single fucking conversation_ with the opposite gender. That attitude is really insulting and disrespectful to all involved, and I see it so much on this board I just have to wonder if men here are happy presenting themselves as sex-mad and paranoid to boot. [/rant] Anyway, I still canā€™t get over the Bizarro-world of the OP where people go to coffee houses to take naps and change their contacts. It sounds more like a dorm. I guess thatā€™s where Arcata and NYC differ. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/51 "2009-01-15T15:28:19Z")
> [@Rachael\_Rage](#): > > Is it impossible for a conversation to have no mysterious sexual agenda? I agree in general but: > [@Reply](#): > > I make a joke about those darned masochists. She chuckles. ā€œActuallyā€¦ā€ And before ya know it, the conversation gets more intense and soon weā€™re talking about odd sex acts. She reveals that sheā€™s bi and it gets more explicit from there. Not the conversation I usually have with someone Iā€™m just chatting with. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/52 "2009-01-15T16:44:45Z")
> [@Rachael\_Rage](#): > > Why canā€™t it mean ā€œI havenā€™t seen you in a whileā€? It can and it often does! Thatā€™s the problem. There was a recent thread on the board bewailing one posterā€™s clueless teenage son: didnā€™t he know that girl was flirting with him? Will he ever get it? What did the girl say? She said, ā€œArenā€™t you in one of my classes?ā€ or something similarly innocuous. And all the guys in the thread went, ā€œHuh? How the hell are we supposed to know _that_ was flirting?ā€ Guys wouldnā€™t be over-analyzing every word or second-guessing every sentence if women werenā€™t so darn mysterious. šŸ™‚ She says: Arenā€™t you in one of my classes? She means: I want to fuck you, and Iā€™m trying to engage you in conversation to show my interest. He says: I want to fuck you. He means: I want to fuck you, and I may have had too much to drink. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/53 "2009-01-15T17:09:35Z")
The OP has revealed in another thread that he was diagnosed with BPD, so I imagine that plays a huge part in his perception of this womanā€™s intentions. I think that no good can come from future involvement with this woman, fwiw. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/54 "2009-01-15T21:02:36Z")
> [@Rachael\_Rage](#): > > Why canā€™t it mean ā€œI havenā€™t seen you in a whileā€? > > [snip] > but is so ridiculous to be accused of cheating/flirting - or to be the unwitting recipient of flirting - in _every single fucking conversation_ with the opposite gender. That attitude is really insulting and disrespectful to all involved, and I see it so much on this board I just have to wonder if men here are happy presenting themselves as sex-mad and paranoid to boot. > > [/rant] > > Anyway, I still canā€™t get over the Bizarro-world of the OP where people go to coffee houses to take naps and change their contacts. It sounds more like a dorm. I guess thatā€™s where Arcata and NYC differ. ā€œNo, no, no, it ainā€™t me, babeā€ but Iā€™ve noticed the phenomenon. Maybe I came to my way of thinking on this subject because of my average looks. If a woman chooses to converse with me, I certainly donā€™t equate that with flirtation. itā€™s much more likely sheā€™s bored or needs to ask me a question. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/55 "2009-01-15T21:11:35Z")
> [@Pollux\_Oil](#): > > Iā€™m all for saying donā€™t go to the coffee shop again, but cutting off correspondence cold turkey is, in my opinion, a bad idea. Iā€™ve been on the giving and receiving end of sudden ending of communication and itā€™s not a good feeling when somebody just stops talking to you and you donā€™t know why. Cold turkey, IMO, refers to relationships/situations that are more than 4 days old. [QUOTE=Rachael Rage] Anyway, I still canā€™t get over the Bizarro-world of the OP where people go to coffee houses to take naps and change their contacts. It sounds more like a dorm. I guess thatā€™s where Arcata and NYC differ. [/QUOTE] And talk explicitly about sex while hauling their children around. I think Iā€™ve **really** aged out of the coffee-house demographic. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2009, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/56 "2009-01-16T01:26:40Z")
Meh. I was too embarrassed to revisit this thread until now. In hindsight (yes, just a day or two later), I canā€™t believe how **pathetic** this has beenā€¦ maybe if I was drunk thatā€™d be excusable, but I wasnā€™t. I was justā€¦ dumbā€¦ for writing (and thinking) all that. At least Iā€™m glad the embarrassment was just on the SDMB (where Iā€™ve embarrassed myself enough, lord knows) and not IRL. Lacking friends and mentors in real life, I guess this is where I go to grow up ā€“ and it happens, if only a little every time. Anyway, I have nothing more to say about this topic. Yes, Iā€™m a loser. Case closed. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2009, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/57 "2009-01-16T01:31:36Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Yes, Iā€™m a loser. Case closed. Pssstā€¦real life isnā€™t so black and white. Youā€™re not either a genius or an idiot, Mr. Popularity or a loser. Itā€™s OK to be swept up in emotion, as long as you think your actions through (which you have, with the help of some folks here) and that, as you said, is how you/we grow and learn. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2009, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/58 "2009-01-16T02:08:34Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > I see your point, and I guess my gripe is more about really attractive people going up to total losers (believe me, if you saw me youā€™d know) and not just starting a conversation but going into an extended one lasting several days and either cluelessly missing or purposely ignoring (or worse, playing with) obvious signs of attraction. This applies both ways, to both sexes. Itā€™s a gray area for sure, not a black and white thing, and every situationā€™s differentā€¦ but at some point, IMHO, people should realize ā€œI think I might be leading this person onā€¦ā€. I donā€™t get it. How was she leading you on? She explicitly told you she was in a non-monogamous relationship with her fiance. It seemed clear to me that she was sizing you up as a potential secondary partner. If youā€™re not content with being a secondary (or perhaps more likely, given what she told you, an escape from actually dealing with her relationship problems), thatā€™s perfectly cool, and reasonable, and admirable, and good on you for looking out for yourself and avoiding the drama, but I donā€™t think she was being misleading in any way. She was totally upfront about her deal. Also, huge pet peeve of mine, but take a good hard look at yourself, and if you really mean ā€œ **I** canā€™t handle non-monogamous relationships,ā€ do not tell her youā€™re doing this to save **her** existing relationship. You donā€™t get to make decisions about her relationship for her, thatā€™s her and her fianceā€™s purview. Make decisions for yourself, and own them. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/59 "2009-01-16T17:47:05Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Anyway, I have nothing more to say about this topic. Yes, Iā€™m a loser. Case closed. Not at allā€“you learned something and know that you can talk things out and maybe have a different perspective next time. Or notā€“as mentioned, following your emotions can be an adventure. ---
**Author:** ![criminey.jicket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@criminey.jicket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/criminey.jicket)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/60 "2009-01-16T19:04:38Z")
Youā€™re the winner here, **Reply**. Please donā€™t let yourself think otherwise. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225.md?page=4)