# I like her -- a lot. She likes me. She's taken. Should I stop seeing her? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 14, 2009, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225 "2009-01-14T06:37:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/81 "2009-02-04T16:06:48Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > Actually, I do have an idea. A very good idea. I take it you’ve never done cognitive behavioral therapy, then? I’m picturing taking this situation to my old C-B therapist in England, and thinking of him getting a good laugh out of the situation. He’d probably muse a bit about the nature of the internet and relationships, admonish me for thinking too much about picking up bisexual girls in coffee shops, and ask me what I thought I’d learned about myself from this. Honestly, **JETGIRL** , you’re taking this even more seriously than the OP. Dhaneesh, my old CBT guy, would have said he’s showing signs of learning from this, which is good, and he’s extricated himself from the situation, which is better. And as **Hi, Neighbor!** says, better to talk about it here than to replay it constantly in his own mind, or to bore his friends with it. All in all I’d say he’s starting to handle this pretty well. Now, what about you? ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/82 "2009-02-04T16:37:19Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > Dhaneesh, my old CBT guy, would have said he’s showing signs of learning from this, which is good, and he’s extricated himself from the situation, which is better. And as **Hi, Neighbor!** says, better to talk about it here than to replay it constantly in his own mind, or to bore his friends with it. All in all I’d say he’s starting to handle this pretty well. Now, what about you? Yeah, you’re right. Even though he [attempted suicide](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=10739952&postcount=168) just a couple weeks ago, he’s just fine. Talking to people on the internet is just what he needs. Look, I’m really not invested in this much one way or the other, but I was involved in the thread I linked to and ever since I can’t help but keep stumbling over **Reply’s** threads or posts about his unhealthy behavior. But whatever. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/83 "2009-02-04T17:00:25Z")
Holy shit, I had no idea of that. Maybe if you’d linked that in the first place, we would have known. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be cryptic. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/84 "2009-02-04T17:27:55Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > Holy shit, I had no idea of that. > > Maybe if you’d linked that in the first place, we would have known. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be cryptic. I wasn’t being cryptic at all. If you’ll notice upthread I posted that he’s admitted to being diagnosed with BPD, which arguably skews his perspective on, well, everything. Suicide attempt or not, considering his situation I don’t think that ranting on a message board will get him much of anywhere. I think those who respond to him in a good faith attempt to impart some wisdom or advice deserve to know that. ---
**Author:** ![Hi\_Neighbor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hi_neighbor/32/494_2.png) [@Hi\_Neighbor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hi_Neighbor)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/85 "2009-02-04T17:48:08Z")
Slight hijack: Upon further consideration, I agree with **XJETGIRLX**. If \*\*Reply \*\*is turning to the boards solely as an alternative to professional help, he’s not making a smart choice. Ranting is fine if you want to vent, but it won’t treat your disorders. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/86 "2009-02-04T17:55:15Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > I wasn’t being cryptic at all. If you’ll notice upthread I posted that he’s admitted to being diagnosed with BPD, which arguably skews his perspective on, well, everything. Well, yeah, but that’s a long way from a suicide attempt. Having been down this road myself, I’ve got to agree with you. I’m not sure what I would have done differently, though. Not that I’m the best at knowing what’s right, though. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/87 "2009-02-04T18:46:49Z")
Grar. I don’t want to turn this into another thread about BPD, but really, I’m just ranting here, not using it as an alternative to professional care. I have no close friends in real life (surprise, surprise, eh?) and this is certainly one of the few outlets I do have access to. And I do learn a bit after each time. If you want to read every little thing I say and flame me afterward, by all means go ahead, but I don’t really understand the “stop posting here” attitude. It’s not like I force anyone to read my posts. I think this “slice of a person” that you see over the SDMB is hardly sufficient to make a complete judgment about somebody’s personality or overall well-being. That’s not to say I don’t have my share of issues, but I mean you’d never see me as I normally am, the other 90% of the time, just because I’d never come in here and post “Oh, so today was another ordinary day. I hung out with the friends I do have, ate a few healthy meals, participated in several healthy activities…”. It’s like Hollywood; you only see a limited, drama-filled slice of my life because that’s the only stuff interesting/harrowing/conflicting enough to share. Extrapolating that too far might not be a good idea. I’ve discussed CBT at length with the (substantial, I might add) variety of mental health professionals I’ve been in contact with over the last couple of months… you wanna know the funny thing? Not a single one of them thinks the BPD diagnosis is accurate. Not one. They think it was an overhasty diagnosis thrown on me when I was 15. I had to argue with them to convince them that people think I’m fucked up, that I know I’m fucked up, that the DSM thinks I’m fucked up… and still they all go nope, nope, nope. You’re not the nightmare BPDs typically are. And I subsequently get stuck with whatever condition-do-jour that particular therapist cares to tack on. Until I see the next guy, then rinse and repeat. That’s why I have such little faith in the system. That said, I’ve been looking for a CBT/DBT therapist this whole time since somebody mentioned it in the other thread; time and finances permitting, I’m certainly willing (even excited) to give it a try. It will happen sooner rather than later if I can help it. Now, back on topic… I met a girl that I happened to really like. Yes, it was a complicated situation, but not everything happens with fairy-tale purity. I tried my best to find a compromise between what I wanted and what she wanted without hurting anyone and without completely compromising my value system. I think I did ok considering the messiness of the whole thing, and while you’re certainly free to disagree, I would only urge you not to read too much into the whole situation. It was embarrassing for sure, but not the holyshitomygodwhatthefuckishedoingthisiscrazytheworldsgonnablowup situation some have painted it to be. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/88 "2009-02-04T18:58:53Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > That said, I’ve been looking for a CBT/DBT therapist this whole time since somebody mentioned it in the other thread; time and finances permitting, I’m certainly willing (even excited) to give it a try. It will happen sooner rather than later if I can help it. That’s awesome and I really hope it works out for you. Just also realize that a lot of the drama and “interesting stuff” you find entertaining enough to post about doesn’t always paint you in the best light, and tends to play up your unhealthy issues. I dare say most of us don’t generate or have to deal with the sheer amount of drama that you do, so be prepared for people to see you that way whether you like it or not. Good luck to you, seriously man. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/89 "2009-02-04T19:04:20Z")
I didn’t read all the replies, so if someone already said this then I admit I’m slow and I apologise. She wants to have sex with you. She doesn’t necessarily want a ‘relationship’ with you, she already has one of those with her husband. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/90 "2009-02-04T19:06:45Z")
eek, just scrolled up to look at the other posts. forget I was here… I’m staying out of this one ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/91 "2009-02-04T19:46:47Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > Well, yeah, but that’s a long way from a suicide attempt. Well, impulsive behaviors like suicide attempts are pretty much a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder. Although certainly by itself it’s not enough for a BPD diagnosis. A person can have Borderline tendencies without having a full-blown personality disorder, FWIW. > [@Reply](#): > > That said, I’ve been looking for a CBT/DBT therapist this whole time since somebody mentioned it in the other thread; time and finances permitting, I’m certainly willing (even excited) to give it a try. It will happen sooner rather than later if I can help it. Recently having been down this road myself… no I don’t have BPD, although I have a well-meaning godmother who likes to diagnose me long-distance with a variety of things based on hearsay. (As in, not even talking to me about my symptoms. It would be amusing if it weren’t so annoying. So far she’s suggested I get treatment for bipolar and BPD, neither of which I have, according to trained professionals who have actually seen me). Anyway, DBT isn’t just for Borderlines anymore. And, since you seem to indicate that impulsivity is an issue, my layman’s opinion, having been through the DBT course myself, is that you could probably benefit from the mindfulness and emotion regulation modules, at least. Another thought: labels can be useful, but only up to a point. Luckily I have a therapist with this viewpoint, as well. A DSM-approved diagnosis can be useful to the extent that it can suggest an approach to treatment; but if you’re having a hard time finding a single (or even a couple) diagnoses that fit, try focusing more on dealing with specific symptoms or areas of your life that are causing you problems, one at a time if necessary, rather than trying to glob them all together under a single label. Just my opinion/experience. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/92 "2009-02-04T19:48:22Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > That’s awesome and I really hope it works out for you. Just also realize that a lot of the drama and “interesting stuff” you find entertaining enough to post about doesn’t always paint you in the best light, and tends to play up your unhealthy issues. I dare say most of us don’t generate or have to deal with the sheer amount of drama that you do, so be prepared for people to see you that way whether you like it or not. > > Good luck to you, seriously man. That’s more than fair and I’m prepared to accept that. Life’s a journey, they say, and I guess I just prefer (or am destined for, perhaps) more drama and danger/adventure/utter stupidity in mine than most. I try to take it in stride and treat everything as a learning experience. Who knows, perhaps one day I’ll have my share of “Back when I was a kid…” tales of idiocy to share with some hapless youngin’. And thank you 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/93 "2009-02-04T20:27:49Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > There are probably dozens of guys. It’s a semi-open relationship with hubby, apparently. > > I dunno. Usually the drama in my life is just me versus myself. It’s nice to have a different kind for once. I’m young. Stupid. And just ever so slightly impulsive. Heh. > > And I really like her. _shrug_ Works for me. Um, it obviously doesn’t. (Upon edit, I realize you mean ‘Works for me, to each her own’ rather than ‘Works for me, I still want to date her.’) > [@Reply](#): > > Yep. It’s all I want. Proof that there’s something there. I’m not sure a kiss is proof of anything. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/94 "2009-02-04T23:19:43Z")
I have one piece of advice/rule-of-thumb for you, **Reply** - do not disrespect yourself, and do not associate with people who disrespect you. You meet a girl you like, you ask her out; if she says no, respect her and respect yourself and move on. If she says yes, have a nice time. If she says anything but yes or no, thank her for her time and forget her. Anything else is playing with you, and it’s disrespectful. If you had followed this rule in this situation, you would have eliminated all of the drama. As a bonus, women respect men who respect themselves. Stupid little girls don’t, but women do. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/95 "2009-02-06T02:35:06Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I’m not sure a kiss is proof of anything. Not to you, maybe. It meant something to me. It was my first. And, finally, today I did the right thing. I brought everything into the open. We both acknowledged what was there. And what could’ve been, were circumstances different. And we both smiled. And I thanked her. And walked away. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2009, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/96 "2009-02-06T02:53:52Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > I brought everything into the open. Didn’t you already do this when you showed her this thread? Even the thread title would pretty much put it all out there, right? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2009, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/97 "2009-02-06T03:02:30Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Meh. I was too embarrassed to revisit this thread until now. > > In hindsight (yes, just a day or two later), I can’t believe how **pathetic** this has been… maybe if I was drunk that’d be excusable, but I wasn’t. I was just… dumb… for writing (and thinking) all that. > > At least I’m glad the embarrassment was just on the SDMB (where I’ve embarrassed myself enough, lord knows) and not IRL. Lacking friends and mentors in real life, I guess this is where I go to grow up – and it happens, if only a little every time. > > Anyway, I have nothing more to say about this topic. Yes, I’m a loser. Case closed. Brother, I wish I had the good sense to ask for advice, recognize the good advice, and _take it_, that you have. Everyone has stupid thoughts - it’s recognizing, analyzing, and resisting the stupidity that makes you smart. 🙂 You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225/98 "2009-02-06T03:38:03Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > Didn’t you already do this when you showed her this thread? Even the thread title would pretty much put it all out there, right? _shrug_ She only read the OP. If she read the rest on her own, she didn’t tell me. > [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > Brother, I wish I had the good sense to ask for advice, recognize the good advice, and _take it_, that you have. Everyone has stupid thoughts - it’s recognizing, analyzing, and resisting the stupidity that makes you smart. 🙂 You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. Thanks, but heh, if you read the rest of the thread… Nonetheless, I took the advice as best as I could and everything ultimately ended up ok. I’m glad. Thank y’all for that, by the way. I owe the SDMB another beer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-like-her-a-lot-she-likes-me-shes-taken-should-i-stop-seeing-her/481225.md?page=4)