# I love her but....would you risk getting her herpes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 19, 2006, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206 "2006-07-19T18:27:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/61 "2006-07-20T14:44:23Z")
[QUOTE=vetbridge] Um, I normally don’t correct spelling, but there are 2 " **d**"s in butt. 😛 [/QUOTE] (emphasis mine) Am I being whooshed here, or is this Gaudere’s law? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/62 "2006-07-20T14:45:27Z")
(She said gently, not rudely) But, **Anaamika** , chances of what? (As it relates to herpes.) Genital herpes has a very undeserved stigma. If you wouldn’t risk sleeping with someone who has Simplex I, then there is no reason besides ignorance to not sleep with someone with Simplex II. True, it’s better not to have it, but there are many precautions you can take and having a partner with it is no guarantee that you’ll get it. I just think it’s very unfair to the… uh… herp-ee to be so unduly punished for something that is very common and mostly harmless. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/63 "2006-07-20T14:49:45Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] Maybe I just have a terribly insensitive lady area, but a guy wearing a condom doesn’t feel all that different than a guy not wearing a condom. Not down there, at least. I mean, maybe it isn’t as warm or something. . . but yeah, no real difference? [/QUOTE] It feels different for me. Like shoving a balloon animal up in there. Anyway, all those saying herpes is “no big deal” are forgetting that if he contracts it he will be reliant on medication for the rest of his life. Some people, me included, have a real problem with taking drugs and dealing with chronic medical conditions. It would be a very big deal for me to contract this virus, and I would feel extreme guilt if I passed it on, so I’d basically have to be celibate. Maybe that is backwards to feel this way but that’s the way it is. Why expose yourself? Why let yourself develop a chronic disease when it can be a total pain in the ass, and possibly lead to grave psychological (if not physical) problems? I agree that you don’t really seem to love her at all since otherwise you’d have slept with her already and damn the consequences. ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/64 "2006-07-20T15:54:06Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Gaudere’s law? 😃 [/QUOTE] Kinda late to claim a head cold. :o :smack: ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/65 "2006-07-20T16:07:08Z")
[QUOTE=davenportavenger] Anyway, all those saying herpes is “no big deal” are forgetting that if he contracts it he will be reliant on medication for the rest of his life. Some people, me included, have a real problem with taking drugs and dealing with chronic medical conditions. It would be a very big deal for me to contract this virus, and I would feel extreme guilt if I passed it on, so I’d basically have to be celibate. [/QUOTE] Why? Most dudes who have contracted HSV take no drugs at all for it. Nor do they consider it a “chronic medical condition”. For most dudes- it only pops up once in a great while when their immune system is down. Other than that, no problems. ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/66 "2006-07-20T16:21:51Z")
Can someone explain what kind of risk herpes would pose to someone with a suppressed immune system? I’m curious too, why hasn’t **Kenwood** sought out medical advice from his doctor? ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/67 "2006-07-20T16:31:58Z")
Not to be too snarky here, **Kenwood,** but are you really old enough to pursue a sexual relationship? (The arthritis says ‘yes’, but the rest of the OP says ‘no.’) ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/68 "2006-07-20T16:32:26Z")
I think having a suppressed immune system and obviously some kind of associated medical condition is what makes this an atypical situation. It is possible that contracting herpes would be medically very dangerous for **kenwood**. Also, the fact that she is totally unwilling to use condoms is a red flag to me, despite her honesty in disclosing her condition. If I were him, I probably wouldn’t do it. Especially not without talking to my doctor first. FTR I’m HSV+ and have been for about 10 years now. If this were not a special situation I’d probably be saying no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/69 "2006-07-20T16:53:29Z")
[QUOTE=davenportavenger] Anyway, all those saying herpes is “no big deal” are forgetting that if he contracts it he will be reliant on medication for the rest of his life. Some people, me included, have a real problem with taking drugs and dealing with chronic medical conditions. [/QUOTE] I think you’re misinformed. Reliant on medication for the rest of his life? For herpes? What are you talking about? [QUOTE=davenportavenger] It would be a very big deal for me to contract this virus, and I would feel extreme guilt if I passed it on, so I’d basically have to be celibate. Maybe that is backwards to feel this way but that’s the way it is. [/quote] Sure it’s a very big deal to contract the disease, _at first_. I was devastated. And I thought I’d remain celibate for the rest of my life, too, because I just couldn’t run the risk of passing it on to someone else. (Oh, the drama!) But then you educate yourself about it, and you learn what it is to live with it. It’s much more annoying to deal with ignorance and prejudice from people about it than to deal with the actual disease. People get so freaked out by minor STDs, my god, like it’s the end of the world. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/70 "2006-07-20T17:52:47Z")
[QUOTE=lisacurl] I think you’re misinformed. Reliant on medication for the rest of his life? For herpes? What are you talking about? [/QUOTE] I was talking about the Valtrex. I thought you would take it continuously. Even if you only have to take it during outbreaks, you still have to monitor your body and look for signs to know when you’re supposed to take it. And that is more than a lot of people are willing to do for their health. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/71 "2006-07-20T18:18:09Z")
Let’s get back to one VERY VERY important issue. The OP is on medications that suppress his immune system. From this [link](http://www.rxmed.com/b.main/b1.illness/b1.1.illnesses/Genital%20Herpes.html) > [@](#): > > In patients with HIV infection, or other causes of reduced immunity, the lesions may persist for weeks or longer. > [@](#): > > Risk Factors > > \ > > Immuno-compromised individuals, - HIV; immunosuppressive medications or anticancer drugs. > [@](#): > > Possible Complications : > Herpes simplex encephalitis. > > Aseptic meningitis. > > **Generalized disease and death in immunosuppressed patients** (bolding mine). The OP MUST discuss this with his doctor. Herpes infection is a much bigger deal if you are immunosuppressed. Yes it can be treated, but it MAY require lifelong suppressive treatment. However, using condoms and having the infected partner take antiviral medications regularly can reduce the risk of infection greatly (I have heard \>95% although I need to find a cite). Disclaimer: although I am a doctor, the above does not constitute medical advice, and the OP should discuss risks and treatments with his own physician. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/72 "2006-07-20T19:00:04Z")
[QUOTE=davenportavenger] I was talking about the Valtrex. I thought you would take it continuously. Even if you only have to take it during outbreaks, you still have to monitor your body and look for signs to know when you’re supposed to take it. And that is more than a lot of people are willing to do for their health. [/QUOTE] Most dudes that have HSV don’t take Valtrex. They don’t need to; their symptoms are so mild, and outbreaks so few and far between. Most who _do_ take the drug take it only to treat an outbreak. It’s fairly expensive, and has quite a few side-effects. **psychobunny** - yes, you make a good point in the case of the OP. But clearly we are also tlaking about other people, not just the OP. And even in the case of the OP, my question of how he managed to get to adulthood (with the drugs and wahtever condition he has that requires him to take the drugs- perhaps a form of cancer?)- is valid. It is quite possibel that he worries for naught- he already has contracted HSV. However, what I suggest he does is talk to his MD about this. Get tested, etc. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/73 "2006-07-20T19:38:26Z")
Okay, this girl knows she has an STD (a mild one, I know, but still) and she still insists that she doesn’t like condoms? I would say a woman who would say that to you probably said the same thing to every other man she has slept with, some of whom may have had far worse diseases that she hasn’t found out about yet. I think that is very disrespectful to you Ken, especially given your suppressed immune system. I know you love her, but how much can she love you if her response is, “well, I know it would make you sick forever and that your immune system would make this quite a bit worse for you than it has ever been for me, but I would rather expose you to disease than have to deal with the hassle of wearing a condom”? ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/74 "2006-07-20T19:56:53Z")
I haven’t read any of the other responses really because I am short on time. If your immune system is suppressed due to steroids… You will get herpes from her. Take all the precautions you want short of touching her only while wearing a full body rubber… it will happen. Trust me. If your immune system is normal you could probably have a reasonably normal sexlife and remain unscathed. This I know from personal experience. I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman with herpes. We took a lot of precautions and I managed to escape the relationship without that nasty reminder of it. (I’m gotten the blood test multiple times so this isn’t me just never having an outbreak and thinking I’m clear) ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/75 "2006-07-20T19:57:45Z")
[QUOTE=davenportavenger] I was talking about the Valtrex. I thought you would take it continuously. Even if you only have to take it during outbreaks, you still have to monitor your body and look for signs to know when you’re supposed to take it. And that is more than a lot of people are willing to do for their health. [/QUOTE] Seriously, do a little reading on the subject. Most people with herpes do not take medication for it daily. For one thing, the virus tends to “burn out” in the first few years after infection. You may have frequent outbreaks at first, then fewer and fewer, until eventually you are only having them if otherwise stressed or sick. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a full outbreak with sores south of the equator. If I do feel something coming on, I find that conscious relaxation techniques combined with high doses of garlic supplements and tea tree oil on any “hot spot” will ward off an outbreak. (IANAD, please consult your medical professional before attempting any self-care.) I have exponentially more trouble managing my migraines. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2006, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/76 "2006-07-20T20:02:42Z")
I want to emphasize that I am talking about the reaction of a person who is not immuno-suppressed to being infected with herpes. Obviously, \*\*kenwood \*\*has a completely different situation, and I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to risk his health in any manner. I agree that a woman who (a) knows she has a STD, (b) knows her potential lover is immuno-suppressed to whatever degree, and yet still © is not INSISTING upon the usage of condoms… well, something is wrong there. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/77 "2006-07-21T02:34:20Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] Okay, this girl knows she has an STD (a mild one, I know, but still) and she still insists that she doesn’t like condoms? I would say a woman who would say that to you probably said the same thing to every other man she has slept with, some of whom may have had far worse diseases that she hasn’t found out about yet. I think that is very disrespectful to you Ken, especially given your suppressed immune system. I know you love her, but how much can she love you if her response is, “well, I know it would make you sick forever and that your immune system would make this quite a bit worse for you than it has ever been for me, but I would rather expose you to disease than have to deal with the hassle of wearing a condom”? [/QUOTE] Herein lieth wisdom, methinks. I didn’t want to be the first to mention it, because I would have sounded like the boor that I am known to be, but this seems to give the best overview of the problem. Somewhere in this whole relationship there is something even more wrong, and I still can’t place it. You mention something like “she’s perfect,” and something else about what a wonderwoman she is. This strikes me as being in the fatuous mode, which leads to mucho, mucho, MUCHO grief. MUCHO! I also have to concur with the posters that point out that Herpes isn’t a "meh’ thing. Listen, if a person with an extremely good immune system gets so much as a yeast infection, there is more pain and grief than these people that say it isn’t a big deal are letting on. Also, Herpes, as many have mentioned, can last for weeks! NO BIG DEAL!!! It can be extremely painful, it is communicable, it can be embarrassing (yes, I know these are new times, but would you accept a date with MR/MS cold-sore, if you weren’t infected?) and it will most definitely limit your range of options date-wise. If you, a seemingly infatuated guy even asks the question philosophically, ask yourself how much trouble do you think it would be to sell yourself to some babe? Would you even hire somebody that comes to interview with a cold sore? I don’t mean should you, or do you want to think you would, I mean \*would \* you? Also, IMHO, the figures of 25% having Herpes are skewed, and the idea that more than that do are simply incredible. I work with about 1000 people in the building where I work, and I haven’t seen even 1 cold sore, which should present with that large a sample, in the last 4 years. You also have a good take with the permant aspect. I suspect that you have been kissing her previously, and she “finally” fessed up? Hmmmmmm… Death may not separate you two, but I can imagine that plenty else could. You know what to do, but only you can do it. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/78 "2006-07-21T02:36:28Z")
[QUOTE=handsomeharry] You also have a good take with the permant aspect. Best wishes, hh [/QUOTE] In a perfect world, that would be ‘permanent.’ hh ---
**Author:** ![gfloyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d2c977/32.png) [@gfloyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gfloyd)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/79 "2006-07-21T03:19:39Z")
Most people I know get cold sores. Many of them didn’t know what they were and didn’t worry about it. For those of you who say you think the 25% is way off, perhaps you don’t know what to look for. My grandfather is a doctor. One day he and some of this other doctor cronnies were going to a lecture by some famous doctor. He asked the people assembled how many cases of some thing, I think leopersy, that they had seen. One or two said they had seen a case at one point in their practice. He was something of an expert on the matter and said he had seen one or two cases on his way to the hospital. It’s all a matter of knowing what you’re looking for. Not trying to be a pain, just saying don’t assume that a statistic is wrong because it doesn’t match what you thing. As for the actual question, I find the condom thing more sketchy. Speaking as a girl, I find there to be almost no difference. Actually, I kind of prefer sex with a condom, as my boyfriend lasts longer and there is much less mess. ---
**Author:** ![Auntbeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Auntbeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Auntbeast)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206/80 "2006-07-21T04:14:49Z")
HH: You wouldn’t hire someone because of a cold sore? Some days, I wish I was a lawyer. Do you normally kiss your employees? FWIW, my husband gets cold sores on the inside of his mouth, I’ve never seen one in 12 years. Then again, he’s never seen one on me either and he has far more access than, well, darn, I was going to say anyone, except I just gave birth and everyone and their brother hand their hand in me. Valtrex costs about $200 a month if you don’t have health insurance. Most folks with established HSV might only get one outbreak a year, so $2400 for a minor irritation? I think not. I’m with LisaCurl, if I had given the choice of migraines or herpes, I’d have taken herpes. Migraines are a bitch. Can I reiterate how insufferable this woman must be to be in a relationship with someone who is immunosuppressed and won’t wear a condom? Is she of age? She sounds like a child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-love-her-but-would-you-risk-getting-her-herpes/365206.md?page=5)