# I’m shocked and don’t know what to do \[kids and internet activity\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2018, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329 "2018-06-02T19:41:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/41 "2018-06-04T03:45:40Z")
I don’t about legality or autonomous rights. My kids heard from an early age they had no rights unless I felt like granting them. And I could damn sure remove a right if I felt like it. I was always or tried to be fair. My older 2 are fond of saying I lost my edge with the baby. I have told them repeatedly she is a good girl, I have rarely had to discipline her. She wasn’t mouthy or rude. She was a good student. My older 2 were a mini pack and I had to be stricter. But they weren’t really bad. I was lucky with all 3. And I do classify it as a lot of luck. I did the work, but so do a bunch of parents and they have poor results. Sometimes kids are just trainwrecks no matter what you do. I don’t want to come off as bragging, but I am happy so far with how my kids turned out. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/42 "2018-06-04T04:02:16Z")
> [@Telli](#): > > I feel like I’m just so naive. I trusted him and like to give him his privacy and then I see this and I got shocked. > Thanks for the replies. I have no idea how teenage boys think these days. The way they thought when you were a teenage girl. All that’s changed is the communication tools. FTR, I used to be a teenage girl way before ICQ (remember ICQ?) was invented, and shortly after I started High School my Dad complained that he had sent me to the Jesuits “to be taught, yes - but not dirty language!” My vocabulary hadn’t so much widened as done a split, no need for social media. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/43 "2018-06-04T04:10:31Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > Here’s a real life example of “boys will be boys” and feigning ignorance gone wrong. > > One my middle school’s music teacher (not mine) would “coincidentally” leave a copy of Playboy or Penthouse in the teacher’s drawer. At first some of the boys would just look at it, but soon discovered that if they left money in the drawer, additional copies would magically appear. It’s not as of the other music teacher or other teachers weren’t aware of it since there was only one music class. Again, I never participated in the exchange process. > > Years later, I read a newspaper article that the teacher was found showing porn movies to some students in the room’s closet. It didn’t mention that anything else occurred, but the likelihood seems high. That’s more like “massive boundary violations”. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/44 "2018-06-04T04:39:26Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I don’t about legality or autonomous rights. My kids heard from an early age they had no rights unless I felt like granting them. The fact that you say this, and the fact that you’re rightly proud of your kids (and BTW sincere congratulations on your great kids), doesn’t change the other fact - that the opinion you expressed right there is absolute bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/45 "2018-06-04T04:59:31Z")
Kids! What’s the matter with kids today? Why can’t they be like we were, Perfect in every way? What’s the matter with kids today? ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/46 "2018-06-04T05:10:23Z")
Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just pulling up a chair here with some popcorn and weiners and a stack of Hustlers and a pack of someone’s dad’s Black & Mild cigarillos and a bottle of Boone’s Farm that someone stuck up his pant leg, and some Nirvana cassette tapes ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/47 "2018-06-04T06:01:29Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > When I was young, I brought up the title of a child rearing book he had on his headboard during an argument and he told me that was his prerogative as an adult to read what he wants. Then as now, I didn’t see any “right” to read what he was just because he monitored what I was reading. If you were my kid I would have handed you that book to make you think. (Unless the book was about how whipping kids was good for their moral development or something.) It would help a kid in self-examination while improving reading skills. Do you have kids? It doesn’t sound like it. If you did you might find that pervasive monitoring is a kind of helicopter parenting. If a kid never makes a mistake, never goes beyond the boundaries, is penned in, they will fall apart when they go to college or move out to work. Penalties for kids are less than penalties for adults for a reason. It helps a lot for a kid to know why something is considered wrong instead of just being told it is wrong. Consider swearing. (I feel so quaint using that term.) It is far more important for a kid to know when such words are inappropriate than to be told to never, ever (well, hardly ever) use them. In the right company - or when hitting your thumb with a hammer - they don’t hurt anyone. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/48 "2018-06-04T08:11:01Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > When I was young, I brought up the title of a child rearing book he had on his headboard during an argument and he told me that was his prerogative as an adult to read what he wants. Then as now, I didn’t see any “right” to read what he was just because he monitored what I was reading. Back for clarity. The book was “Children, The Challenge” “Children: The Challenge gives the key to parents who seek to build trust and love in their families, and raise happier, healthier, and better behaved children. Based on a lifetime of experience with children—their problems, their delights, their challenges—Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America’s foremost child psychiatrists presents an easy to follow program that teaches parents how to cope with the common childhood problems that occur from toddler through preteen years. This warm and reassuring reference helps parents to understand their children’s actions better, giving them the guidance necessary to discipline lovingly and effectively.” Carry on! ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/49 "2018-06-04T08:54:49Z")
I’m not afraid I’ll find porn on my son’s computer. I’m afraid my son will find the porn on \*my \*computer. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/50 "2018-06-04T11:39:45Z")
> [@Lasciel](#): > > The discord app isn’t a problem - its just a chat app. No big thing. > > The swearing isn’t a problem - mostly. If he’s using SLURS like the n-word, or the c-word, then I would focus my attention on that, especially if he’s using those words directly at or to describe other players/people. That’s gross and racist and sexist and he needs to be better than that. > > Otherwise it’s perfectly appropriate for him to use ‘language’ when he’s hanging with his friends than he would when you’re around. It means he understands code-switching and appropriate contexts for using swears and casual language. > > The inappropriate conversation with girls needs unpacking and dealing with. > > First, accept that he’s a teen, most likely he’s gonna have sexy thoughts about somebody. Sounds like it’s girls. That’s ok. You gotta be ok with it existing. > > Your concerns as mom are > > 1. safety (ie, legality) > 2. consent > > Mom, do you know what sexting is? D you know that snapchat can be used to send naked pictures of one’s self or of specific naked body parts? Do you know it’s possible and easy for those pictures to be saved and then shared around? Do you know (and does your boy know) that any such pics of his classmates and or his friends’ (or his online friends’) classmates are legally considered child porn and that he can go to jail for having them stored on his phone or computer, or sending them on to other people? Maybe have a reminder or ‘just fyi’ chat about those facts with him. > > Does he know that most ‘girls’ online in multiplayer games either aren’t girls at all, or are lying about their age (which i would bet he is doing also but somehow they never think about other people doing it too) and that any sexual interactions with them MIGHT be illegal if they’re younger than they say, or if he offers them things in return for pics or them doing sexual things for/with him? > > Does he know about safe sex methods and which STIs you can get from getting (or giving, but he’s a teen boy so that’s less likely) oral sex (it’s everything except HIV) and how shitty child support payments are? > > Does he know to ASK for things, and to respect and stop pushing when someone says NO (even when it’s phrased as ‘not right now’ or ‘maybe some other time’ or ‘i have a boyfriend’) and that he doesn’t DESERVE sex or a girlfriend just for existing? > > Make sure he’s clear on all that, and then just keep an eye on him and trust your previous parenting. Great post. I have a seven-year-old son, and I’m saving this to consult someday. Though a few of the technical details might be different by the time he’s fourteen, I think you covered the basics as pithily as anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/51 "2018-06-04T12:20:14Z")
> [@Telli](#): > > Thanks Tripolar I appreciate being judged. I came on here as a concerned mother looking for feedback not to be basically told that I’m a horrible person. **Tripolar** wasn’t judging you, he was giving you some rock solid insight. Don’t make this about you, your son needs a parent. Pull your head out of the sand and parent him. That doesn’t mean ‘control’ him. It means work with him to ensure he is aware of potential outcomes of his actions. In short, prepare him to behave like an adult. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/52 "2018-06-04T14:41:09Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > When I was 15 looking at porn (or at least dirty pictures) took a lot more effort than it does today. Yeah, for all the airy “Oh, that’s just teenage boys!” it has become different than “back in the day”. When I was a teenager, looking at naked women meant sneaking a Playboy or Penthouse. These days it’s everything from similar photos to rape/torture porn to revenge porn to pedophilia and bestiality. I’ve nothing against nudie pics but I wouldn’t want my kid’s perception and expectations on what sex is like based on girls tied up with five guys doing shit to them. But that stuff is out there, linked to the same sites with “pretty girl with nice boobs in lingerie”. You didn’t have people pretending to be a 15 year old girl from Montana trying to convince you to jerk off on camera so they could threaten or blackmail you with the video later. When I was a teenager, I hung around with other like-aged people and we swore and said dumb shit. But we weren’t in an internet channel with a bunch of people trying to one-up on who could be the biggest troll/asshole and aggressively stalk people or ruin their lives. I didn’t have 50 year old dudes hanging around saying shit or feeding me lines like you get in internet communities today. If you had someone with dumbshit ideas, he was just the local dumbshit. These days, the 0.5% of the national community with those dumbshit ideas get together and make it sound as though those ideas are the majority opinion because you’re surrounded by people saying them even if it’s only one guy from each state in the union. I don’t know what the answers are. Communication, obviously. And I don’t think it’s a mistake to have an open search policy on computer devices. It’s tougher when you’re a single parent, especially if your kids are a different gender. A son might feel differently about his dad seeing that he was visiting [shady porn site] than his mom. But you need to work with the hand you’ve got so communication about what he’s up to, talk about sex, etc as mentioned upthread. I just can’t get behind the blithe “Heh, teenagers am I right?” attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/53 "2018-06-04T18:49:47Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > Yeah, for all the airy “Oh, that’s just teenage boys!” it has become different than “back in the day”. > > When I was a teenager, looking at naked women meant sneaking a Playboy or Penthouse. These days it’s everything from similar photos to rape/torture porn to revenge porn to pedophilia and bestiality. I’ve nothing against nudie pics but I wouldn’t want my kid’s perception and expectations on what sex is like based on girls tied up with five guys doing shit to them. But that stuff is out there, linked to the same sites with “pretty girl with nice boobs in lingerie”. You didn’t have people pretending to be a 15 year old girl from Montana trying to convince you to jerk off on camera so they could threaten or blackmail you with the video later. That’s why I said in the next line > [@me](#): > > Make sure he knows why real life is different from porn. I’d be worried if he was looking at the weirder stuff out there. And better porn than sex. The lesson should be that posting (rather than watching) can screw up your life. Where I worked the criteria for NSFW was “would you mind your boss or a coworker looking over your shoulder at what you are viewing?” If not, it is okay. That bad stuff doesn’t get any better when a kid turns 18 and goes away to college. Best for them to know why it is unacceptable sooner rather than later. And virtual stuff is still safer than real stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/54 "2018-06-04T18:54:07Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > Back for clarity. The book was “Children, The Challenge” > > “Children: The Challenge gives the key to parents who seek to build trust and love in their families, and raise happier, healthier, and better behaved children. Based on a lifetime of experience with children—their problems, their delights, their challenges—Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America’s foremost child psychiatrists presents an easy to follow program that teaches parents how to cope with the common childhood problems that occur from toddler through preteen years. This warm and reassuring reference helps parents to understand their children’s actions better, giving them the guidance necessary to discipline lovingly and effectively.” > > Carry on! Okay. Was your dad just saying “nyah, nyah, I get to control what you read,” or did he have a problem reading that particular book, which sounds fine to me. For my parents anything in the public library was okay to read. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2018, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/55 "2018-06-04T23:35:14Z")
> [@DavidwithanR](#): > > The fact that you say this, and the fact that you’re rightly proud of your kids (and BTW sincere congratulations on your great kids), doesn’t change the other fact - that the opinion you expressed right there is absolute bullshit. Why do you say it’s bullshit? That’s exactly what we did. And low and behold it worked. I was talking about cell phone and computer privileges, specifically. But other things like driving and going out with friends fell into it too. We live in a very small rural place, My husband knows everybody. They couldn’t do anything that we would’ve found out about, or so we believed. I am sure they got up to occasional mischief. Nothing serious. I was on them like a tight pair of jeans. Now early adulthood was hairy a time or two. But that was on them. I had done my job. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2018, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/56 "2018-06-05T00:00:56Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just pulling up a chair here with some popcorn and weiners and a stack of Hustlers and a pack of someone’s dad’s Black & Mild cigarillos and a bottle of Boone’s Farm that someone stuck up his pant leg, and some Nirvana cassette tapes Saturday night in 1994 lol ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2018, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/57 "2018-06-05T03:57:40Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Okay. Was your dad just saying “nyah, nyah, I get to control what you read,” or did he have a problem reading that particular book, which sounds fine to me. > For my parents anything in the public library was okay to read. In a mature sense. I took his statement then and now as “I’m an adult and you’re a child (my child)”, our relationship is not as peers. BTW, I brought up the book as a sarcastic way to say: “You’re reading how to deal with me, fix it!”. Carry on… ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2018, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/58 "2018-06-05T13:59:05Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Why do you say it’s bullshit? That’s exactly what we did. And low and behold it worked. I was talking about cell phone and computer privileges, specifically. But other things like driving and going out with friends fell into it too. We live in a very small rural place, My husband knows everybody. They couldn’t do anything that we would’ve found out about, or so we believed. I am sure they got up to occasional mischief. Nothing serious. **I was on them like a tight pair of jeans. Now early adulthood was hairy a time or two. But that was on them. I had done my job.** That’s the problem with controlling them so much when they’re kids - they don’t learn to test boundaries and limits. Then, when you finally let them out from under your thumb, they go hog wild and do really stupid and dangerous things. ---
**Author:** ![squidfood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a87d85/32.png) [@squidfood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squidfood)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2018, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/59 "2018-06-05T19:00:47Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > The lesson should be that posting (rather than watching) can screw up your life. I think there needs to be acknowledgement in this thread that the online world (not just porn, but gaming or just participating in facebook or forums) can be highly addictive and is not just “what kids have always done.” Sure, they’ve always had the same general needs and deserve respect and privacy, but there’s a level of concern that’s much higher than it used to be. This is an anecdote, but my cousin had a troubled teenagehood (got messed up about coming out gay among other things) and retreated pretty hard into porn as well as other online activities, some questionable - racked up some big bills but more importantly it just messed him up a lot and was an unhealthy environment - when he finally got a good counselor a #1 recommendation was banning his internet use to break the addictive patterns. This is not to panic the OP certainly - this is likely a rare case - but we also can’t pretend that the fears are unfounded - the temptations are not the same as they always were as many internet sites are designed to keep the clicks coming. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2018, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329/60 "2018-06-05T19:43:08Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > To those who speak of a child’s Right to Privacy, where does that fit into your obligation as a parent to strive to prevent your child from engaging in potentially illegal activity? If I felt that his/her activity required monitoring, I would make that a condition of the privilege and/or set that as a rule going forward. I would not retroactively monitor conversations that were made under the expectation of privacy unless there was reason to suspect the child’s safety or welfare was at risk. “Bad language” doesn’t fit requirement IMO. But I don’t see an issue with saying, "Here is a computer, a smart phone, and internet. You can use it all that you want, but understand that I am monitoring all of your conversations and browsing activity, so don’t say anything or view anything you wouldn’t want me aware of. I don’t necessarily think that a child NEEDS to be granted privacy. But I think it is messed up for a parent to give the child a certain expectation of privacy, and then betray it. Regardless of where I parent decides to set the privacy boundaries, the child should know where those boundaries are. Demanding to view conversations that were made when the child thought they were made in secret–that’s messed up. Setting a rule that all conversations and chat accounts are going to be monitored–that’s different. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-m-shocked-and-don-t-know-what-to-do-kids-and-internet-activity/815329.md?page=4)