# I Made My Kid Go To His Own Parent-Teacher Conference Yesterday **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 14, 2008, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720 "2008-11-14T16:17:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/21 "2008-11-14T19:09:49Z")
I haven’t read beyond the OP yet, but I wanted to jump in. My God, your kid could be me 30 + years ago. If it wasn’t music, I didn’t give a f(\*#, didn’t put forth the effort, didn’t turn in the assignments, and didn’t care when the Fs poured in. For me, it was my Grade 12 English teacher who read me the riot act in early June - he made me stay behind after class and said “Your present mark is 48. I can arrange a discretional pass for someone who is doing close to 50 but not quite; in fact, I’m doing that for somebody else. I’m not going to do that for you. You owe me 8 assignments - you need to hand in at least 3 at an 85% or better to get out of here, or I’m making you repeat the grade. You won’t graduate, and you won’t be studying with me, either, because I’m sick of the sight of you.” He then launched into a tirade about how much he hated people who had the brains and couldn’t be bothered. I can’t remember much of the tirade because I felt like I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. I did the assignments, graduated English with a 52% and made it out of high school. Hard though that day was, I wish someone had done that to me years before - the organizational and study habits you establish early on are really hard to change. I’ve managed, (got a 98 in Introductory Russian when I went back to college to finish my degree in 2004), but it has been a long hard slog. I hope it has helped Kyle get his shit together - tell him I said it can be done if you think it’ll do any good. Good on you for bringing him along, I say. Sometimes it helps to hear directly what people really think about how you’re doing. ---
**Author:** ![howye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9adbd/32.png) [@howye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/howye)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/22 "2008-11-14T19:20:22Z")
I am filing this away in case my kids are this way they get older (if I know their father, and I think I do, they will go through this too.) ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/23 "2008-11-14T19:27:06Z")
He’s not lazy, he’s bored. Okay, maybe lazy, too. But that Spanish homework assignment you point out is a prime example. What a lazy teacher! Write down every word twice and the English once. NO ONE will learn Spanish that way. You learn languages by using them. Given the crappy state of schools I wouldn’t be surprised to find most of his homework is that way. If it were my kid I’d push him/her into a level that challenges them. If they understand the concepts well enough to own them then move on to the next lesson. Lazy teachers and teaching to the middle of the curve is exactly why homeschooling and other schooling alternatives have started to pop up. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/24 "2008-11-14T19:41:55Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > He’s not lazy, he’s bored. Okay, maybe lazy, too. Bored and lazy go together like peanut butter and jelly. Boredom begets laziness which begets boredom until you have a 100lb blob of ennui dragging itself from class to class all day, unable to see the point. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/25 "2008-11-14T19:42:40Z")
**WhyNot** , I think you did the right thing. At some point, you have to make them realize that 1) they have to take responsibility for it themselves, and 2) there are worse, longer-term consequences than just getting a D on a report card. My mom told me when I was in late HS (not sure if it was Jr or Sr year) that she wasn’t going to ask me again about my report card, or look at it, that I was going to have to figure out what I had to do or deal with the consequences. I was starting to catch on that I had most likely blown my chance to get into my school of choice (which wasn’t exactly Harvard…it was just a normal state university), and that I was going to have to figure out how to fix that situation if I wanted to graduate from there. With some kids, that might not work, but if he really does want to go to college and has an ambition, I think there’s no time like the present to make him realize that he’s the one who holds those cards in his hand…it’s not about you nagging him anymore. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/26 "2008-11-14T20:10:44Z")
Hallboy has gone to every single parent teacher conference since he started school. This year, I decided I’d done enough of them and elected not to go. After all, Hallboy is now a freshman and not only am I sick and tired of ME stressing out over his grades, they’re really his responsibility. He recently got his first report card, complete with two Ds and one F. He was freaking out, especially when he gave it to me. “Wow, dude, that sucks,” I said. “Am I grounded?” he asked. “Why?” I asked him. “They’re YOUR grades. You don’t want to study, then that’s on you.” I reminded him that any flunked classes would require extended lengths of his time in summer school, and oh, I’m not paying for it. Which means, the job at the local grocery store he’ll be eligible to get in May when he turns 15 will be funding his summer school. We’ll see how it pans out, but me, I’ve had it being more concerned with his grades than he is. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/27 "2008-11-14T20:18:05Z")
My parents spent my whole school career drilling into my head that grades were money. I would not be getting any college money from them so if I intended to go to college, good grades were required. If they hadn’t done that, I may have been the same as your son. I hated homework. Still do. One of my kids had a kindergarten teacher that would send home a note for me to sign saying he did his home work. Only it would say “We” did “our” homework. Every time I would scratch out the “We” and write “he.” I’m done with school. That’s not my homework. Oldest daughter is really bad about class work and home work. We’ve been working and this year is the first time in 4 years she’s managed to bring home a grade report without a D or F on it somewhere. She even managed to avoid a C on the quarter report. We celebrated and praised much. I’m secretly worried that she’ll start sliding again, though. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/28 "2008-11-14T20:25:53Z")
I was obnoxious about homework as well. Fortunately I went to a big public school for undergrad where we didn’t have daily assignments etc… I was also really good at tests (standardised, school) etc… But I swear to gods, if I have kids anything like me I will hang myself. Looking back I have so much sympathy for my mother and father it’s not even funny. I’m _praying_ my brats take after my younger sister. The only thing that changed my attitude? Was working as an admin after college when I’d been laid off my overpaid dot com job. I took law school very seriously. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/29 "2008-11-14T20:29:33Z")
Good luck. It took Ivyboy having to withdraw from university and enroll in a community college (which he paid for All By Himself) to get it through it head that yes, mom and dad was right and he was six kinds of stupid. I swear, I never understood that mindset. I was such a nerd in school…A’s and B’s, honor roll, turning in homework, that my son was a foreign language to me. I just could not relate to WHY he didn’t want to do well in school. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/30 "2008-11-14T20:58:44Z")
Best. Parenting. Ever . (seriously) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2008, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/31 "2008-11-14T21:04:24Z")
fessie’s college idea is good. Even if you are enrolling him in a single night class, but I think most states now have some cooperative education program. Teach him this trick to “the lazy man’s way to good grades in college.” Right now he is doing ALL his work to bring up his grades at the end of the semester. Switch it around - front load your grades - if you can walk into class and by the results of midterm #1 have the teacher eating out of your hand for being bright and attentive, and have 40% of the points required to get an A, the rest of the semester will be a breeze. And what you are likely to discover is now you don’t want to risk your “probable A” by blowing off easy stuff. I’d keep little histograms in the front of my notebook on how many points I acquired and how close I was to achieving each grade. Plus, the stress is less at the end of the semester, and if something comes up and you do need to blow off studying for the final, isn’t it nice to know that you really only need about 10% to get a C (and usually I was going in needing 60% to get an A). ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/32 "2008-11-15T07:35:35Z")
Around here most schools have two parent-teacher conference sessions per school year. I’ve noticed a trend. With the younger kids, the autumn session is for the parents only, but the children are invited or expected to come to the spring session. As the kids turn to teens, the schools start expecting that all parent-teacher conferences will include both parent(s) and student. We recently had one with flodjunior, and his main teacher praised him for what he was doing well and told him off about some bad habits he needs to fix. This was a near perfect match with what we’ve been trying to tell the kid, good and bad. I like the feeling that we’re all working together to help this young man grow and get a good education. Also I like that he knows that home and school are conspiring against him 😛 ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/33 "2008-11-15T08:12:17Z")
Goodness, I don’t think there were any parent-teacher conferences at my schools after 6th grade. Good job, **WhyNot**! You done good. My question for the day is: I don’t know if he likes to read at all, but does he get any non-fiction to read? Most teens don’t read any, and yet non-fiction is an important writing method which often appeals more to certain kinds of kids and helps people understand real-life applications of principles. Would he be interested in, say, a book about physics written for the layperson? Some history that _isn’t_ in a textbook or a historical fiction novel about a girl who rebels against the norms of her time? The current cultural state of Japan? The story of a guy who hitchhikes around Soviet Russia, whatever? Just a random thought. Meanwhile, here’s hoping it sticks this time around. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/34 "2008-11-15T08:21:31Z")
Good job! I think parents of teenagers should rent the first season of [“30 Days”](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437696/) with Morgan Spurlock and make them watch the first episode. In it, Morgan and his fiance work at minimum wage jobs and have to rent an apartment and survive on that money. I know it isn’t going to cure all kids, but maybe giving them a look at what their lives could end up like if they don’t apply themselves might help on a few of them. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/35 "2008-11-15T08:30:21Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > He’s 15 now, a sophomore in high school. And for 11 years, give or take, I’ve had the same PT conference discussion twice a year. There’s a script, shall I share it with you? I shall: > > Me: Hello! I’m Mrs. Not, Kyle’s mother. > Teacher: Oh! Hello! Kyle…Kyle’s such a delightful person. He’s so intelligent and sweet…but… > Me: But he’s a lazy little cuss? > Teacher (relieved): Oh! Well, yes. He just doesn’t do the work! I don’t know why not - it’s not too hard for him. In fact, I’d love to see him in honors or even skip a grade, but with scores like this, I just can’t justify it. If he would just turn in the homework, he’d be at the top of his class! He’s actually the smartest kid in the whole school, he just…doesn’t do his work! > > I’m a little sick of this conversation, to be honest. We’ve tried every strategy offered, and they all work…for about two weeks. Mostly what happens is he gets F’s at the quarter period (in the classes he doesn’t like - the others are A’s), and pulls them up to a C or B or even A for the Semester grade, which is the official one. He’s managed to be 15th in his class with this technique, but it’s fucking exhausting, and sooner or later, it’s not going to work anymore. > > So yesterday, on a whim, I decided that I was so sick of having this discussion, I wasn’t willing to do it again. So he came with me to the PT conferences, and he sat down and talked to the teacher. I listened, and made it clear that I was willing to facilitate things, but this was his issue. He had, as you can imagine, No Fun At All. > > The first one, he tried some beautiful psychobabble bullshit about not having Foresight and the lack of Rewards for Diligent work. (I swear, you could hear the Pooh Capitalisation coming out of his mouth.) Luckily, his Lit teacher is way too smart for that. “Two weeks ago, I gave you a sheet of paper with 11 missing assignments and gave you until Friday to turn them in. You gave me 3. Where does Foresight come into it?” Oh, snap! > > By the third teacher, he was both humbled and calmer: “I didn’t do it 'cause I didn’t do it.” he said, “I have no good answer.” > > It was really hard to watch a 15 year old boy stammer and turn red and wipe away the stray tear when he thought no one could see. I simultaneously feel bad that I ambushed him and yet glad that HE had to face the consequences of his actions, and HE got to see what I’ve been going through all these years, sitting in front of disappointed teachers with expectant looks, waiting for someone to come up with answers for why he’s not doing his work. > > He came home and did his Spanish homework and showed it to me. Here’s hoping he actually turns it in today. This post literally could have been written about me when I was younger. The only differences are that my name isn’t Kyle, and by the time I was in high school there were no parent-teacher conferences. If you failed you failed and the teachers could not have possibly cared less. They didn’t even mention it. I wish I could give you some sort of advice, but the truth is, I’ve spent years introspecting and analyzing and trying to figure out why I was like that and I just don’t fuckin’ know. I think it was all rooted in things that happened when I was younger; teachers praising me and passing me even though I didn’t do any of the work because they knew I was smart, and total lack of help, encouragement, and positive reinforcement at home. My parents never cared what was going on in school unless I was in trouble, and then they didn’t try to set me straight, they just got really angry. I think these two things combined produced a teenager so apathetic that literally no incentive would’ve gotten me to do good in high school. I’m not being accusatory at all, but does any of that sound familiar, or did Kyle and I arrive at a similar destination on different paths? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/36 "2008-11-15T09:21:51Z")
**Cisco** , I used to be a “bare-pass or supergrade” student due mostly to boredom and parents who didn’t seem to value one more than the other (they were never, ever, satisfied). The difference between “fail” and “pass” was the look in my teachers’ faces, not my parents. Middlebro, same parental units, added to that problems concentrating and dyslexia. Yes, he had worse grades, why do you ask? But if there’s one thing I don’t think **WhyNot?** is, it’s a parent who treats an F, a C and an A the same. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/37 "2008-11-15T14:57:22Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Good job! > > I think parents of teenagers should rent the first season of [“30 Days”](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437696/) with Morgan Spurlock and make them watch the first episode. In it, Morgan and his fiance work at minimum wage jobs and have to rent an apartment and survive on that money. > > I know it isn’t going to cure all kids, but maybe giving them a look at what their lives could end up like if they don’t apply themselves might help on a few of them. Yeah, it will warn them off of marrying Morgan Spurlock’s evil harpy bitch wife. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/38 "2008-11-15T15:12:09Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > My question for the day is: I don’t know if he likes to read at all, but does he get any non-fiction to read? He likes some non-fiction, more than I do. He loved _Blink_, and went around quoting bits of it for more than a year afterwards. Liked _Guns, Germs and Steel_, 'though I’m not sure he finished it, and just finished _Omnivore’s Dilemma_ (and lists to us the number of corn-derived products in our nightly meal. He missed the corn-on-the-cob one night! :D) He loves anything to do with the military and weapons, so The History Channel is a big one, but the jokes about it being The Hitler Channel aren’t far off - it’s hugely overbalanced with WWII stuff. (The military, unfortunately, isn’t a career option for him as he has rods in his spine.) I did just pick up an old Physics text by Asimov at a book give away to give to him at Christmas; he likes Asimov’s fiction, so maybe he’ll like the this and get educated at the same time. I think he’ll take Physics in two years. But he’s interested in a pretty narrow niche of nonfiction, sort of the “plausible conspiracy theory” genre. Not moon hoax or Roswell stuff, but stuff which shows connections between previously unconnected things. That sort of sums him up: whether it’s disassembling and “modding” Nerf Guns or reading, he wants to know how stuff is connected and effects are far reaching. The level of US history you get in 10th grade just isn’t interesting to him in the slightest, because it’s so narrow in scope. > [@Cisco](#): > > I think it was all rooted in things that happened when I was younger; teachers praising me and passing me even though I didn’t do any of the work because they knew I was smart, and total lack of help, encouragement, and positive reinforcement at home. My parents never cared what was going on in school unless I was in trouble, and then they didn’t try to set me straight, they just got really angry. I think these two things combined produced a teenager so apathetic that literally no incentive would’ve gotten me to do good in high school. > > I’m not being accusatory at all, but does any of that sound familiar, or did Kyle and I arrive at a similar destination on different paths? It’s not entirely unfamiliar. He doesn’t share much, even when asked, so we often don’t know what’s going on in school until we get a bad report card. It’s hard to praise for the good when he won’t tell us the good things that are happening. And when three good grades come home with three bad grades, the bad grades, of course, pull our focus. If/when he gets everything up to a C or better, we praise him both for pulling grades up and for the high grades; call grandma, put the report card on the fridge, that sort of thing. But he’d rather stay silent or grunt than respond with an anecdote when asked what he’s doing in class right now. So we mostly leave him alone about school stuff, with daily, “I’m trusting that you’ve got this handled.” or “If you need anything, I’m here,” instead of torturing some news out of him. We (he and his teachers and I) decided we need to go back to his showing us his completed assignments nightly for a while, so hopefully that will provide me with more opportunities for frequent praise. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/39 "2008-11-15T18:31:49Z")
A great Onion article: [School ‘Fine’, U.S. Teens Report.](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/school_fine_u_s_teens_report) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720/40 "2008-11-15T18:50:34Z")
I’m surprised at so many people not grasping that the lazy way to get through school is do the work right the first time and never have anyone fuss at you. Never struggle, never cram. Just do it right away, get extra credit if it’s available. All the teachers then love you and you never get screamed at or dumped on or otherwise jerked around. Laziness should be about the least effort. I know from lazy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-made-my-kid-go-to-his-own-parent-teacher-conference-yesterday/472720.md?page=3)