# I may be single again **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 25, 2005, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391 "2005-09-25T23:07:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/21 "2005-09-28T22:21:05Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > You’re right that the reason someone may not want their SO to hang out with an ex is not necessarily about trust; it could also be about insecurity. And what you describe is about control: _you_ decide how they start a new chapter? _You_ decide when they’re actually over their ex? More bullshit. Of course it’s about control. You say that as if it is a bad thing. Of course you decide when they’re over their ex - if they want to stay with you. They’re free to find the door and not let it hit them in the ass if they aren’t. Throwing up buzzwords like, “Control,” based on our 1990s kneejerk psychology that all control is bad, does not provide an answer. The mere nature of being in a committed relationship is about exerting control. If you were not exerting control, then you would expect to have no say in who the person sees, what they do, when they come home at night, etc. Most people expect some say in those areas of their significant other’s lives. Having that say is a form of control. > [@Misnomer](#): > > But some people _could_ be trusted in that situation, while others could not. It’s perfectly valid to say, “You know what? I _don’t_ trust you.” However, if my SO made that kind of request and I didn’t trust him, I’d seriously reevaluate his status as my SO. I am a realist. I believe I understand human nature, and I also believe I can generally recognize bullshit when I see it. You may be perfectly fine with that request if you trust your SO. If my SO made that kind of request, I’d seriously reevaluate her status as my SO regardless of whether I trusted her or not. I would expect her to do the same for me. I would hope that she would expect a greater level of commitment from me to our current relationship, and have the sense to be somewhat dubious about the propriety of the situation. > [@Misnomer](#): > > The last guy I dated was very close to his ex-wife: he told me up front that they still spent a lot of time together (alone), and that they were still each other’s best friend. I said, “If you can honestly tell me that you’re not hoping to get back together with her, and that there is no longer a physical relationship, I will believe you.” He did, and I did. Was I supposed to not trust him, and either demand that he stop seeing his ex or break up with him? That’s up to you. I would have. > [@Misnomer](#): > > But I don’t see what jealousy has to do with your question. I do see relationships as intimate, and I don’t believe that the level of intimacy I prefer is possible when more than two of us are involved. However, I’m not going to ask anyone to change his behaviour or who he spends time with: I trust him to respect the agreed-upon terms of our relationship, but how he does it is up to him. When someone cheats on me I am not hurt because I’m jealous, I’m hurt because he didn’t respect me or our relationship. Why did he not respect you? Did you expect to have some level of control over who he sleeps with? Why do you want that level of control; why does it matter to you if he nails someone on a regular basis, if it only takes 10 minutes out of his day? > [@Priceguy](#): > > I agree, but be straight out and up front about it. Don’t play games. If you don’t like it, just say so. Oh, we’re on the same page there. I think, however, that people are so concerned about not being “suffocating” and Misnomer’s control issues, that they do not feel like they can simply come out and say it, or they’ll somehow be a bad person. Either that, or they’re afraid of the emotional issues that are there with the ex, and the same realistic concerns that are leading to the jealousy will lead the SO to call the bluff and say, “No, I’m going to do it anyway.” Rather than risk that, we dance around the issue with games. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/22 "2005-09-29T00:41:13Z")
> [@SlyFrog](#): > > Of course it’s about control. You say that as if it is a bad thing. Of course you decide when they’re over their ex - if they want to stay with you. They’re free to find the door and not let it hit them in the ass if they aren’t. Do you even realize what you’re saying? Maybe _I_ don’t realize what you’re saying, because it seems like you’re saying that unless the person you’re dating meets _your_ criteria for them being over their ex, they’re free to leave. Why isn’t their word good enough? Why would you date someone whose word you couldn’t accept? > [@](#): > > Throwing up buzzwords like, “Control,” based on our 1990s kneejerk psychology that all control is bad, does not provide an answer. No one said that all control is bad, and it’s not a “buzzword.” It’s a _word_. And the right one for the situation you describe, which just happens to be negative. > [@](#): > > The mere nature of being in a committed relationship is about exerting control. Wow, I _so_ disagree. > [@](#): > > If you were not exerting control, then you would expect to have no say in who the person sees, what they do, when they come home at night, etc. Most people expect some say in those areas of their significant other’s lives. “Control” and “influence” are not the same thing: I will have input in how my SO spends his spare time (in the hope that he’ll spend at least some of it with me), but I would never – EVER – expect to _control_ it. If you don’t see the distinction, I really don’t think I can explain it to you. I have _never_ expected to have any control over who my SO sees. That’s one tiny step away from telling him who he can and can’t be friends with, which any domestic violence counselor will tell you is a big no-no. > [@](#): > > That’s up to you. I would have. I can’t imagine living that way. > [@](#): > > Why did he not respect you? Did you expect to have some level of control over who he sleeps with? Why do you want that level of control; why does it matter to you if he nails someone on a regular basis, if it only takes 10 minutes out of his day? Just like with the jealousy thing, I think you aren’t really paying attention to what I write: did the part about “I expect him to respect the agreed-upon terms of our relationship” go right over your head? He didn’t respect me in that _he broke a promise to me_. I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. Maybe yelling will work: I DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. I DON’T _WANT_ TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. But at the start of the relationship we agreed to be monogomous, and I _do_ expect him to keep his word. > [@](#): > > Misnomer’s control issues Nice try, but _you’re_ the one preaching control and jealousy. I love how they become my issues just because I named them. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/23 "2005-09-29T01:17:13Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Do you even realize what you’re saying? Maybe _I_ don’t realize what you’re saying, because it seems like you’re saying that unless the person you’re dating meets _your_ criteria for them being over their ex, they’re free to leave. Why isn’t their word good enough? Why would you date someone whose word you couldn’t accept? Well of course it’s my criteria. By definition it’s my criteria whether the persons actions are acceptable to me or not. I’m not going to use someone else’s criteria to determine what is acceptable for me. > [@Misnomer](#): > > “Control” and “influence” are not the same thing: I will have input in how my SO spends his spare time (in the hope that he’ll spend at least some of it with me), but I would never – EVER – expect to _control_ it. If you don’t see the distinction, I really don’t think I can explain it to you. You exert control by stating that if he has sex with other people, you will leave. You are attempting to exert control over his actions. Whether he does or not is his decision. I think your control and influence distinction is meaningless, and is a failed attempt to avoid the fact that you seek to exert control on people whenever you tell them, “If you do this, I will leave.” And believe me, nearly everyone has certain things that will end the relationship if their SO does them. > [@Misnomer](#): > > I have _never_ expected to have any control over who my SO sees. That’s one tiny step away from telling him who he can and can’t be friends with, which any domestic violence counselor will tell you is a big no-no. That may be up there in the list of most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. What are you talking about? God forbid I tell my wife I don’t want her associating with convicted felons, or known heroin users. What if she wants to bring said heroin users into the house with my kids? Am I a domestic abuser by saying, “No?” > [@Misnomer](#): > > Just like with the jealousy thing, I think you aren’t really paying attention to what I write: did the part about “I expect him to respect the agreed-upon terms of our relationship” go right over your head? He didn’t respect me in that _he broke a promise to me_. No, he didn’t do what you wanted him to. He didn’t move in the direction you told him he had to if he wanted to have a relationship with you. You attempted to control him, and you failed. > [@Misnomer](#): > > I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. Maybe yelling will work: I DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. I DON’T _WANT_ TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. But at the start of the relationship we agreed to be monogomous, and I _do_ expect him to keep his word. I DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. BUT IF HE DOES X, HE KNOWS I’M LEAVING. Your definition of control is interesting. Have you limited it to actually physically grabbing his appendages and moving them; anything short of that is, “influence?” ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/24 "2005-09-29T02:02:26Z")
I give up, **SlyFrog**. You insist on putting words in my mouth, taking things out of context, changing the definition of words when it suits you, and deliberately missing nearly all of my points (I say “deliberately” because I don’t want to believe that you are _that_ obtuse). I never – _never_ – said anything like “if he does/doesn’t do X I will leave” (in what universe does “I’ll be hurt” equal “I’ll leave”???), because I have never made such a threat in my entire life. Yet that exact perceived threat is what nearly your entire response hinges on. So I give up. I can’t reason with the unreasonable. Claim victory if you want to, I just don’t care enough anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Large\_Marge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/50afbb/32.png) [@Large\_Marge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Large_Marge)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/25 "2005-09-29T09:09:35Z")
> [@MannyL](#): > > I needed some time to respond to your suggestions. > > I agree that tests are bullshit which is why I don’t play into them. Either you are happy with me or you are not. I’m sorry but anyone who plays relationship games with me wastes my time. Which is one reason I posted. I wasn’t sure if she was playing games or is there was something deeper. > > I told her that I would not make excuses to my friends about why she is not someplace. If she agreed to go then changes her mind she needs to tell them why. If she wants to lie and tell them she had to work when she was originally going to be off thats her decision. I’ll just reply with thats what she told me too. > > You are not either of us in this relationship so I’m just going to say I feel that I am honestly in love with her and I get the same feeling back. I will grant there are different types of love (ie I love some of my coworkers but not the same way I love my parents which is different than how I love my friends). At this point if our relationsip was to end. I would be saddened but I would recover quickly. Manny, how can you be in love with her and yet be able to “recover quickly” should you two break up? ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/26 "2005-09-29T14:15:06Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Claim victory if you want to, I just don’t care enough anymore. This isn’t a fight, and I’m not writing to win a “victory.” I just do not agree with what you are saying. I think that you are trying very hard not to admit a fundamental truth; that the nature of a monogamous relationship involves varying levels of control, and saying that one should not “control” an SO is psychotherapist double-talk. ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391/27 "2005-09-29T22:00:36Z")
> [@Large Marge](#): > > Manny, how can you be in love with her and yet be able to “recover quickly” should you two break up? I can “recover quickly” because I have the (possibly conflicting) attitude that people are brought together by fate and no matter how much two people want to be together or not be together if fate wants them to be together things will happen to make it so. I would be saddened by the loss of the relationship but I would also be able to go on. I wouldn’t be able to date for a while but I would date again. My previous relationship was over long before I admitted it to be over so I had already done the “greiving” process. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-may-be-single-again/323391.md?page=1)