# I might've just broken the scale for offensive limericks! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 3, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302 "2017-03-03T16:01:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/1 "2017-03-03T16:01:36Z")
Limericks. I like 'em. Funny ones that is. Speaking as a connoisseur and a composer of such, let me state that, in my not at all humble opinion here are three kinds of limericks: 1. funny ones 2. clean ones\* 3 failed ones that are both blue and blaah. Bearing that in mind, I’ve come up with perhaps the dirtiest darkest limerick _ever_. I worry about myself that I composed the following, errrrmmmm, poem: Warning probably NSFW: When an impotent middle aged john Had strangled a whore with her thong He exclaimed “What a load Off my mind and my choad! I thought I was doing it wrong!”. That is all. Thank you. \*unless your name is Ogden Nash. If so, you are dead and therefore should not be reading this message. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/2 "2017-03-03T16:06:10Z")
Not bad, but Cecil’s limerick at the bottom of [this column](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/456/how-does-the-limerick-there-was-an-old-man-of-nantucket-conclude) still rules. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/3 "2017-03-03T16:06:22Z")
Not even close. “…if my ear was a cunt I could fuck it!” is a lot higher up the scale. Ninja’d by a dog, even. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/4 "2017-03-03T16:12:53Z")
And on _that_ note, There once was an ill-mannered slut Who was taking it right up the butt When the man, name of Burt Wouldn’t stop with the hurt She turned 'round and bit off a nut. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/5 "2017-03-03T16:17:24Z")
There once was a girl, newly-wed Who, to her new husband, she said: “I’m tired of this stunt They do with my c^&\*, You can go up my a#$ instead!” ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/6 "2017-03-03T16:21:14Z")
Okay, spoiler. A long-dick’ed fucker named Fry Was making a skinny whore cry When she opened her lips To tell him outward to slip He shot his load right in his eye. Not bad, on Oxy… ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/7 "2017-03-03T17:25:31Z")
You want more? You want dirty? Okee dokee, hokey-pokey, let’s get this _on_! When decades of gross overuse Made her pussy distressingly loose She hurried back home Ninety miles north of Nome Where she must have recourse to a moose. In Afghanistan, Private LaRue Attempted a camel to screw But instead of doin’ it It bit off his unit And kicked his ass clear to Kabul. A low life who lived in a bog Was seen honing his bone in a hog. When asked “What the dickens?” He said “It beats chickens, And it’s safer than fucking my dog.” I know, I know, I know, 3 bestialities in a row…dast someone suggest that His Extreme DeLuxness hath cut himself a _rut_? Well, rut on these: A twisted mortician named Fred Gets his kicks with the recently dead. He smears the deceased With warm bacon grease- What follows is best left unsaid. A gayboy of Galveston Bay Sucked 99 dicks in a day He’d have tried for one more But his knees became sore And his uvula got in the way. And, for the win, my magnum opus: An unfortunate pervert named Mertz Whose fetish was frozen desserts Got a frostbitten choad fucking pie a la mode And screamed “Holy SHIT, man, that HURTS!” (Why, yes, I _do_ like the word “choad”, and I think it ought to be brought back into common currency.) ---
**Author:** ![DrCube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a3d4f5/32.png) [@DrCube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrCube)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/8 "2017-03-03T17:51:55Z")
There once was a guy named Dave Who found a dead whore in a cave. She had one tit And looked like shit, But think of the money he’d save! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/9 "2017-03-03T18:07:02Z")
> [@DrCube](#): > > There once was a guy named Dave > Who found a dead whore in a cave. > She had one tit > And looked like shit, > But think of the money he’d save! _There was an old hermit named Dave who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said with a grunt “That’s a mighty cold cunt, but think of the money I save!”_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/10 "2017-03-03T18:09:24Z")
_From the rocks at the cove of St Giles came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the Pope, “Goodness gracious! Has Father Ignatius forgotten the Bishop has piles?!?”_ ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/11 "2017-03-03T19:39:19Z")
If you remember Ted Kennedy, this one applies. _There once was a senator from Mass., Who looked for a nice piece of ass. He lucked up and found her, then fucked up and drowned her. Now she’s just food for the bass._ I’ve always liked this one. _There once was a gentleman from Perth, who was kept from his girlie friend’s skirt. He said, “Do you fear a prick?” She said “Dear, it’s not the prick, it’s the squirt!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/12 "2017-03-03T19:44:41Z")
A mother and her horny young son decided on illicit fun As the son got undressed His mom said, “It’s best we condom that humungous gun!” ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e47774/32.png) [@quiltguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/13 "2017-03-03T20:45:21Z")
A stylish young whore from Manila, When bedecked in her favorite chinchilla, Was called to the zoo, Whilst removing her shoe, Serviced their bachelor gorilla. For your collection, DLuxN8R-13. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/14 "2017-03-03T21:07:21Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was an old hermit named Dave > who kept a dead whore in his cave. > He said with a grunt > “That’s a mighty cold cunt, > but think of the money I save!”_ /win ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/15 "2017-03-03T22:24:52Z")
[The Game Room thread is over here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=748693), folks. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2017, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/16 "2017-03-03T22:35:14Z")
That limerick gave its name to a term sometimes used for [necrophilia in animals](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrophilia#Other_animals). ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/17 "2017-03-04T00:36:26Z")
_There was an old whore from Azores whose cunt was all covered with sores. The dogs wouldn’t eat the hunks of green meat that hung in festoons from her drawers._ ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/18 "2017-03-04T00:42:01Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was an old hermit named Dave > who kept a dead whore in his cave. > He said with a grunt > “That’s a mighty cold cunt, > but think of the money I save!”_ Did he also switch his car insurance to Geico? 😛 I didn’t write this G-rated one, but here it is anyway. There once was a man from Nantucket Who took an IQ test. With luck it Turned out that he Had the brilliance to be A droplet within Mensa’s bucket. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/19 "2017-03-04T00:47:59Z")
_There once was a young man from Uppingham who stood up on a bridge down at Buckingham watching the stunts of the cunts in their punts and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them._ ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/20 "2017-03-04T00:59:41Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was an old hermit named Dave > who kept a dead whore in his cave. > He said with a grunt > “That’s a mighty cold cunt, > but think of the money I save!”_ The version I heard ended: “She’s moldy,” he said “And she’s missing a head but think of the money I save!” The other offensive limerick that most often comes to my mind is: There was a young lady from Devon Who was raped in a garden by seven High Anglican priests – Lascivious beasts! Of such is the kingdom of Heaven. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302.md?page=2)