# I might've just broken the scale for offensive limericks! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 3, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302 "2017-03-03T16:01:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/21 "2017-03-04T03:17:27Z")
I woman uncommonly fat Tried to masturbate with a rat But when she got bit On her ginormous clit She fed the poor thing to the cat. ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/22 "2017-03-04T08:05:13Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _From the rocks at the cove of St Giles > came a scream that resounded for miles. > Said the Pope, > “Goodness gracious! Has Father Ignatius > forgotten the Bishop has piles?!?”_ HaahahaHAHAhaaaaa! Good one, **terentii**. ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/23 "2017-03-04T08:15:25Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was an old whore from Azores > whose cunt was all covered with sores. > The dogs wouldn’t eat > the hunks of green meat > that hung in festoons from her drawers._ Haw Haw Haw and _eeeeewwww_! Another gut-cracker from **terentii** , gloriously gross and viciously vivid. Dear sir or madam, is this gem of your own creation? {The DeLux One ponders the possibility of being forced to make with the thermonuclear option before daybreak} ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/24 "2017-03-04T08:24:46Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > The version I heard ended: > > “She’s moldy,” he said > “And she’s missing a head > but think of the money I save!” > > The other offensive limerick that most often comes to my mind is: > > There was a young lady from Devon > Who was raped in a garden by seven > High Anglican priests – > Lascivious beasts! > Of such is the kingdom of Heaven. There’ve got to be a half dozen versions of the story of tightwad Dave and his putrid puta in circulation. The first time I heard it was from an old freight-train tramp up in Eugene, or was it Spokane? back when I was young and feetloose. But the version quoted above is about the best I’ve encountered. I’ve never heard or read the second one before just now. The last couple of lines just fuckin’ _make_ it. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/25 "2017-03-04T13:40:00Z")
I like this one from Andrew Dice Clay: Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was suckin’ my cock The clock struck two I dropped my goo And dumped the bitch off on the next block ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/26 "2017-03-04T14:07:19Z")
Room for a joke about limericks? So, there’s this man, chuckling to himself. And his wife asks him, “What’s so funny?”. He says “Oh, I was just recalling this really funny limerick I heard earlier today. But it’s really offensive.” “Honey, you know me, I’m not offended by anything. You can tell me.” “But it’s _really_ offensive. I don’t think even you would appreciate it.” “OK, how about you just tell me, but bleep out the offensive parts?” “Well, OK. It goes like this: Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep fuck.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/27 "2017-03-04T14:46:43Z")
> [@DLuxN8R-13](#): > > Haw Haw Haw and _eeeeewwww_! Another gut-cracker from **terentii** , gloriously gross and viciously vivid. Dear sir or madam, is this gem of your own creation? I wish it were mine. In fact, I think goes back to at least 1942 (I was once given a thick book full of dirty limericks, dated wherever possible, for my birthday). Here’s one from a toilet stall in Cambridge, England: _There was a young man from Bombay who fashioned a cunt out of clay. But the heat from his prick turned it into a brick and it chafed all his foreskin away!_ From one of my grad school instructors: \*There was a young man from Madras whose testes were fashioned of brass. When he clanged them together, they played “Stormy Weather” and lightning shot out of his ass. \* Another that goes back at least to WWII: _When asked by the Duchess at tea if ever I fart when I pee, I replied with some wit “Do you belch when you shit?” and thought that was one up for me!_ One from _ **Playboy** _: _I’ll tell you, said prom chairman Rose,_ why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose: She’s delightfully free as the wind on the sea, and besides, like the wind, Peggy blows.\* One from a toilet stall at the University of Minnesota: _There once was a young man named Lud_ whose girlfriend was kind of a prude. He got her to eat it o’er repulsion deep-seated by saying “Pretend that it’s food!”\* And finally, the ever popular _There was a young man from Racine who invented a screwing machine. Concave and convex, it could serve either sex and anything else in between!_ \*Surname. 😉 \*\*Diminutive of “Ludwig.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/28 "2017-03-04T19:26:08Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > Ninja’d by a dog, even. :smack: The _worst_ way to get Ninja’d! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2017, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/29 "2017-03-04T23:56:55Z")
> [@DLuxN8R-13](#): > > Haw Haw Haw and _eeeeewwww_! Another gut-cracker from **terentii** , gloriously gross and viciously vivid. I’m guessing you’d like to hear the story of Sandpaper Sally? All the guys said Sandpaper Sally was really, \*really \*rough, until one day… **WARNING: HIGHLY NSFW! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!** …she picked the scabs and let the pus run out. :eek: **DON"T BLAME ME; YOU WERE WARNED!** :smack: Believe it or not, I was told that one by one of my high school music teachers … who later fled to Paris to escape prosecution for sex crimes. (I am \*\*not \*\*making this up!) ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2017, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/30 "2017-03-05T17:26:54Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _When asked by the Duchess at tea > if ever I fart when I pee, > I replied with some wit > “Do you belch when you shit?” > and thought that was one up for me!_ . . . Somewhat of a variant: When asked by the Duchess at tea If an eggplant I ever did see I said, ‘Yes,’ rather bored She said ‘Sir, you’ve explored Up a hen’s arse much farther than me.’ Neil Gaiman came up with a really filthy one, although really it’s just a collection of naughty words. I can only remember the line “brown nugget, beef curtain.” Nothing pops up on Google, alas. ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2017, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/31 "2017-03-05T21:53:09Z")
_There once was a lady from France Who loved to put mice down her pants The rodents it seems Were really obscene And crawled up her ass to romance_ ---
**Author:** ![Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/half_man_half_wit/32/21766_2.png) [@Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Half_Man_Half_Wit)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2017, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/32 "2017-03-05T22:23:36Z")
How’s this thread gone on for so long without a mention of \*The Good Ship Venus \*, also known as _Friggin’ in the Riggin’_? There’s a couple different versions, including one by the Sex Pistols, but to me, the definitive one is by Loudon Wainwright III: [(The Good Ship Venus) - YouTube](https://youtu.be/KLotX3HE-4c) Gesendet von meinem SM-A510F mit Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2017, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/33 "2017-03-05T23:51:14Z")
Limericks are fine, but the gold standard for dirty poems is _The Ballad of Eskimo Nell_ .[The Ballad of Eskimo Nell](http://www.sbwave.com/herbase/eskimo.html) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/34 "2017-03-06T22:51:23Z")
This one was told to us by my high school Latin teacher (who was, of course, a priest): \*There once were two ladies from Birmingham And this is a story concerning 'em They reached under the frock And fondled the cock of the bishop engaged in confirming 'em The bishop was nobody’s fool He had been to a large public school So he dropped down his britches And diddled those bitches With his eight-inch episcopal tool But that didn’t deter these two They said as the bishop withdrew: “The vicar is quicker, and thicker and slicker, and longer and stronger than you”\* ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/35 "2017-03-06T23:05:57Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Limericks are fine, but the gold standard for dirty poems is _The Ballad of Eskimo Nell_ > > .[The Ballad of Eskimo Nell](http://www.sbwave.com/herbase/eskimo.html) I’ve always liked _ **The Ball of Ballynoor** _: [http://theweebsite.com/bawdysongs/songs/ball\_of\_ballynoor.html](http://theweebsite.com/bawdysongs/songs/ball_of_ballynoor.html) The melody can be heard **here** : [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcpBkOyedew](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcpBkOyedew) The chorus I know is _“Singin’ who’ll do ye next time, who’ll do ye noo? The man who did ye last nicht, he no can do ye noo.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/36 "2017-03-06T23:08:46Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Somewhat of a variant: > > When asked by the Duchess at tea > If an eggplant I ever did see > I said, ‘Yes,’ rather bored > She said ‘Sir, you’ve explored > Up a hen’s arse much farther than me.’ I also heard one about the Duchess at tea, but it was about farts, and clean enough to appear in a Bathroom Reader. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/37 "2017-03-06T23:09:40Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > This one was told to us by my high school Latin teacher (who was, of course, a priest): Did his hijinx involve a home video camera and a number of his male students? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/38 "2017-03-06T23:14:05Z")
Another from _Playboy_: “Though you paid me up front,” hooker Flo told her client, “I’m still due some dough. I felt in gradations, eleven pulsations, and I quoted you ten bucks a throw.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2017, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/39 "2017-03-06T23:33:19Z")
\*There was a young harlot from Hew who filled her vagina with glue. They paid to get in where the others had been, and they paid to get \*\*outta \*_there too!_ \*There once was a young girl named Jill— used a dynamite stick for a thrill! They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil. \* For a change of pace, the only one I ever read in \*\*\*Mayfair \*\*\*that I thought worth repeating: _A knight named Sir Christopher Palmer sold his gear to a young Chinese farmer. When he heard about this, King Arthur said “Chris, I hear there’s a Chink in your armor!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Thing\_Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@Thing\_Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing_Fish)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2017, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/40 "2017-03-07T23:29:11Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was a young man from Racine > who invented a screwing machine. > Concave and convex, > it could serve either sex > and anything else in between!_ Alternative last line: “But oh, what a bastard to clean!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302.md?page=3)