# I might've just broken the scale for offensive limericks!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302>\
**Category:** Cafe Society\
**Created:** [March 3, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302 "2017-03-03T16:01:36Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 5\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\
**Post date:** [March 7, 2017, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/41 "2017-03-07T23:42:58Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> Quoth **terentii** :
> 
> There once was a young girl named Jill—  
> used a dynamite stick for a thrill!  
> They found her vagina in North Carolina,  
> and bits of her tits in Brazil.

The version of this I heard was

_Nymphomaniacal Alice  
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus  
They found her vagina  
in North Carolina  
and her asshole was somewhere near Dallas_

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**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/42 "2017-03-08T00:02:40Z")

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I found the one I was looking for, or at least a close approximation.

There once was a man from nantucket  
Clusterfuck, jizzmark, brown nugget  
Beef curtains, pork truncheon  
pink cumstain, fish luncheon  
Now show us your dick and I’ll tug it.

It isn’t very limerick-y, but it follows the meter, and, dawgone, it’s dirty.

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**Author:** ![BuckChongo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@BuckChongo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckChongo)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/43 "2017-03-08T02:24:15Z")

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The Complete Immortalia by Harold H. Hart is the best collection of dirty limericks ever. I used to work nights at the U Texas library and found a copy of it on the shelves. Idiots cramming for finals at midnight used to look up all annoyed at the geek up at the desk who kept choking on stifled laughter. One of my favorites was repeated by Vonnegut:  
There was a young man of Stamboul  
Who soliloquized thus to his tool;  
'You took away my health,  
stole all my wealth,  
And now you won’t pee  
You old fool!

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**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2017, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/44 "2017-03-08T02:36:44Z")

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There once was an old boy named Ned  
Who should have stayed home. Instead  
He went canoeing  
Didn’t know what he was doing  
And wound up getting butt fucked instead.

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**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\
**Post date:** [March 9, 2017, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-mightve-just-broken-the-scale-for-offensive-limericks/781302/45 "2017-03-09T01:06:02Z")

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Here’s one I composed for a spanking-enthusiast web site:

Private Peach was preparing for battle  
But professed she’d prefer to skedaddle  
Sergeant Cherry O’Hare  
Bent her over a chair  
And painted Peach plum with a paddle

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