# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/1 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")
So my replacement, Sniffs\_Markers’s new SO – I shall call her Chlamydia – looks like a cross between Gollum and an airedale terrier. And I was thinking to myself: “Crayons…” mused I, “what does that say about _your_ appeal? That a mummified troll with Greg Brady’s hair was chosen after you were dumped, since Sniffs wasn’t attracted to you?” “Well,” answered the little voice that sometimes tells me to do bad things, "it suggests that you are in fact uglier than an inbred Ewok with severe genetic mutations.” This saddens me. I get some comfort knowing that Sniffs undoubtedly wakes up and, in the darkenss and haze of sleepiness, screams at the sight of the pod creature next to her, forgetting that, y’know, it’s just Chalmydia. But I’m afraid that just does not bolster my wounded self-image at this time. What to do? What do to? First I thought I should become a Crazy Cat Lady. I would be well-suited to that I think. I have two cats already, I would just need to start taking in the neighbourhood strays. I’m still young, not quite 33, but I could start on the Crazy Cat Lady thing early and perhaps perfect the technique of a demented laugh while I’m young. By the time I’m older than dirt, and residents of the neighbourhood say “Oh, she’s _always_ been here”, my deranged cackle will be so finely tuned that children will be too afraid to trick-or-treat at my door on Hallowe’en. Then I thought, perhaps I should start a buiness: “Hiccups Cured or Your Money Back”. I’ll pop out from behind a red vevlet curtain thus scaring the hiccups sufferer so severely his hiccups, and quite possibly his heart, will immidiately stop. But no, I have decided that the only true course for one as repugnant as me… is world domination! No wait, not fancy enough, it requires capitalization: Wolrd Domination! (Much better). I may be the missing link between humans and our primate cousins. The very sight of me will surely make children cry and adults run screaming into the night. So tell me dear friends, tell me… What can I do to exploit my hideousness and take over the world? If necessary, I am willing to become an Evil Master Mind, the new arch-nemesis of Batman perhaps, but only if I get henchment. Or minions! Minions would be cool. ---
**Author:** ![cards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecd19e/32.png) [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/2 "2005-01-25T18:45:22Z")
Well, I need pictures of your horribleness before I can say how best to be a henchman. I mean are you Medusa ugly, turning people to stone? If so, I’ll be sure not to look at you as I lead others into your sight after tricking them to come into your presence. ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/3 "2005-01-25T18:51:33Z")
Ha! I went through that with my ex-wife (soon to be). She is currently shacking up with a guy that is twenty years older than either one of us, short as hell (I am 6’, she is 5’8", here is about her height) and ugly as sin. I thought to myself, “She wasn’t attracted to me anymore but she’s attracted to that?” Then I realized she is just a freaking nut job (yes it helps me sleep at night) and decided that love is blind. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/4 "2005-01-25T18:58:04Z")
Well, I’ve _met_ you, and you look like Ashley Judd and Liv Tyler had a baby. So, obviously, your ex had to drop you for Chlamydia , because she’s a hag hag. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/5 "2005-01-25T19:20:18Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Well, I’ve _met_ you, and you look like Ashley Judd and Liv Tyler had a baby. Well no wonder. I mean, that kind of genetic manipulation is bound to leave its mark… I can be a minion!! Really, I’m hideous & evil, I swear! In order to achieve your goal of world domination, your face will have to be instantly recognizable. I suggest you create a number of flimsy 8.5x11 pinups, with your picture and a caption that says “Have you seen me?” Then, nail them up on fences, doors, walls, mailbox posts, and telephone poles around your neighborhood. Once you’ve collected some minions, mail them out. The word will spread, and you’ll be on your way! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/6 "2005-01-25T19:23:54Z")
**Eats\_Crayons** , if _you’re_ ugly, I’m bloody Adonis. 😉 Mind you, if you have any positions available for henchmen, I could overlook your non-ugliness. I specialise in electronics, propaganda, and bizarre world-girdling architecure… ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/7 "2005-01-25T19:37:02Z")
Excuse me, what? Okay. I have told people in the throes of bad self esteem that they’re good looking, just to let them know that, contrary to said throes, they’re actually presentable and have a reasonable chance of people finding them attractive. You, on the other hand, are _stunning._ I mean, _really_ gorgeous. I would give my left _nut_ to look like you (well, as attractive as you except of the boy-type variety). This is the aesthetic judgment not only of a gay man, but also of a certified dyke tyke, and is therefore incontrovertible. So just stop that right now, missy. Obviously she dumped you because she has an ugly-person fetish. Hell, Gollum-Ewoks need love too. The opinion of an obviously insane person ought not to matter to you. Naturally, however, world domination remains a possibility I encourage you to explore. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/8 "2005-01-25T19:43:25Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Well, I’ve _met_ you, and you look like Ashley Judd and Liv Tyler had a baby. Rubbish! Although the mental image of Ashley Judd and Liv Tyler making babies is… But wait! You distract me from my plans of conquest! Why, you think you can trick me? _shakes fist_ Never! My resolve is unwavering! **Earthworm Jim** - I hereby dub you _Supreme Minion_. Assuming of course you do indeed look like an earthworm but the big scary kind from Dune and not the squashy ones on the sidewalk after it rains. **cards** - Alas, no. As a possible ally I could not inflict you with the hideousness that is my disfigured countenance. I may look into getting myself an iron mask – or maybe just a paper baggie with eyeholes – when I am making personal appearances amoung allies. **Sunspace** - Electronics and propoganda, eh? Okay, I must have my face printed on on the wax cups they use at Taco Bell, Burger King and McDonalds. So will I turn the stomachs of the “billions served” that I will start collapsing world markets for cheeseburgers and taco supremes. The stock exchange will collapse! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/9 "2005-01-25T19:51:49Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > I would give my left _nut_ to look like you (well, as attractive as you except of the boy-type variety). This is the aesthetic judgment not only of a gay man, but also of a certified dyke tyke, and is therefore incontrovertible. Ah, you’ll not dissuade me! Although I’ll take that left nut because, coincidentally, the conjuring potion for Global Chaos calls for “eye of newt, tongue of frog, nut of Matt, and ear of dog.” Who knew? ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/10 "2005-01-25T19:52:43Z")
Can I be a minion, too? Huh huh can I? I’m already kinda pirate-y! I could do… Uhm… Pirate-y… Things… For ya… If ya need stuff like that… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/11 "2005-01-25T19:53:18Z")
Well **Eat’s Crayons** the pictures I have seen of you look gorgeous, I think you are non the less over grading beauty amongst other assets. Maybe the ex’s she-troll is extremly generous, or has a very long tongue or something that makes up for her looks? ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/12 "2005-01-25T19:57:19Z")
You’re making a self-assessment based on the decision making of someone who huffs markers? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/13 "2005-01-25T20:00:52Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > Can I be a minion, too? Huh huh can I? I’m already kinda pirate-y! I could do… Uhm… Pirate-y… Things… For ya… If ya need stuff like that… ☹ But can you make the seas _boil_? See that’s what I need. Boiling seas. Real Armageddon like. (But not like the movie. I mean, I want to flay the world and all, but I wouldn’t unleash Ben Affleck on anyone. I mean that’s just _cruel_.) **Bippy** - That’s true. I mean she could be rich. But really, would you make love to a scurvy-plagued llama for a million bucks? (Please, don’t answer that.) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/14 "2005-01-25T20:03:40Z")
OK, if you’re going to be an evil overlord and rule the world, you have to memorize the following and dramatically recite it in a Bela Lugosi accent: > [@](#): > > Home . . . I haff no home. Hanted . . . despised . . . liffing like an animal—the jongle is my home! But I vill show the vorld that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own rice of pipple—a rice of atomic supermen vhich vill _conquer the vorld!_ ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/15 "2005-01-25T20:10:21Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > OK, if you’re going to be an evil overlord and rule the world, you have to memorize the following and dramatically recite it in a Bela Lugosi accent: Home . . . I have no home. Hanted . . . despised . . . being vewwy vewwy quiet and wivving wike an animaw—the jungle is my home! But I will show the woowd that I can be its mastuw. I shall puwfect my own wace of peepaw—a wace of atomic supuwmen which will conquw the woowd! Darn, comes out more like Elmer Fudd when I do it. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/16 "2005-01-25T20:18:36Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Home . . . I have no home. Hanted . . . despised . . . being vewwy vewwy quiet and wivving wike an animaw—the jungle is my home! But I will show the woowd that I can be its mastuw. I shall puwfect my own wace of peepaw—a wace of atomic supuwmen which will conquw the woowd! If you pluck your eyebrows and wear a sparkly evening gown, it might pass as Marlene Dietrich . . . ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/17 "2005-01-25T20:25:43Z")
Do I have to be ugly to join the crusade? In my all my humbleness I must admit I am a good looking guy…not that I cant be evil! But if it helps I can scar myself or something. Just dont leave us pretty ones out!! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/18 "2005-01-25T20:31:37Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > But if it helps I can scar myself or something. Just dont leave us pretty ones out!! When I was akid my freinds and I took a Princess Leia action figure and ground down her plastic face on a bicycle tire. Not advocating self-mutilation or anything, I’m just sayin’… Just make sure you don’t use the tires with the really knobby treads 'cause they make your lips go bubububububu! ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/19 "2005-01-25T20:36:08Z")
> [@](#): > > …ground down her plastic face on a bicycle tire. Hmm…well damn. Are you sure I can’t just get a cool scar? Like around my eye or something?? I mean dang, rubing my face on a bicycle tire…/sigh, the life of a minion is never easy eh? You better end up ruling the world!! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/20 "2005-01-25T20:40:48Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Just make sure you don’t use the tires with the really knobby treads 'cause they make your lips go bubububububu! But sometimes that’s the effect we _want_! I mean, would the Gamorrean Guards have been as imposing\* if they didn’t drool? [sub]\*I said _imposing_, not effective. Some henchpersonnel have a different value than others.[/sub] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=2)