# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/21 "2005-01-25T20:44:56Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > But sometimes that’s the effect we _want_! I mean, would the Gamorrean Guards have been as imposing\* if they didn’t drool? Fine, but don’t order the soup. I’m not cleaning up after you, dribble-face. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/22 "2005-01-25T20:47:11Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > Hmm…well damn. Are you sure I can’t just get a cool scar? Like around my eye or something?? I mean dang, rubing my face on a bicycle tire…/sigh, the life of a minion is never easy eh? > > You better end up ruling the world!! There’s an alternative solution: intimidating costumery. Get yourself a spooky helmet, maybe shaped like a lizard skull or something, and some jet black armor with spikes all over it. And a flamethrower. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Don’t forget the codpiece. ---
**Author:** ![Lockz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Lockz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lockz)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/23 "2005-01-25T20:50:04Z")
Now, I haven’t seen what you looked like. Perhaps I should get out more? I’m sure that if you put a pic up like people have asked, you’ll be getting the entire Teeming Millions to compliment you. You should realize that Sniffs\_Markers realized how beautiful you were. She knew that you were so beautiful that she just had to let you go and let you be fawned over by so many people. Right? Now, if you go to an OttaDope soon cause I think you’re near here, and if we have another, then I’ll be able to tell you better in person. P.S. Can I be a henchman too? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/24 "2005-01-25T20:50:29Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > Hmm…well damn. Are you sure I can’t just get a cool scar? Like around my eye or something?? I mean dang, rubing my face on a bicycle tire…/sigh, the life of a minion is never easy eh? > > You better end up ruling the world!! You think you have it tough??? She’s taking my left nut! ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/25 "2005-01-25T20:58:23Z")
Codpiece! Of course, how silly!! As a minion facing major damage to my face, thankfully not my nuts, I purpose we eschew all physical disfigurments and simply all wear codpieces! What ya think EC? Can you and your ugliness lead a army of codpiece wearing minons? Who could, or would, resist us?? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/26 "2005-01-25T21:01:53Z")
> [@The Terrible And Beautiful Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Fine, but don’t order the soup. I’m not cleaning up after you, dribble-face. :: shhllpp :: Therzh a reashon we uzh shtrawzh… :: shhllpp :: :: mop with hankie :: ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/27 "2005-01-25T21:06:04Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > You think you have it tough??? She’s taking my left nut! Oh please, small sacrifice. What, are you planning on knocking up your SO anytime soon? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/28 "2005-01-25T21:06:49Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > What ya think EC? Can you and your ugliness lead a army of codpiece wearing minons? Who could, or would, resist us?? Well… okay. But they have to be sculpted all fancy like scary lizards or something. Give new meaning to the term “trouser snake”. And the girl minions have to wear te codpieces too. And I suppose if **Matt** really wants to keep his left nut I could _try_ substituting another ingredient into the Global Chaos potion. Instead of “nut of Matt” maybe I could toss in a puppy or something. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/29 "2005-01-25T21:10:02Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > **Earthworm Jim** - I hereby dub you _Supreme Minion_. Assuming of course you do indeed look like an earthworm but the big scary kind from Dune and not the squashy ones on the sidewalk after it rains. **MWAHAHAHAHAHA** [drums fingers together] Excellent. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/30 "2005-01-25T21:20:46Z")
> [@Earthworm Jim](#): > > **MWAHAHAHAHAHA** > [drums fingers together] > Excellent. Yes, you must recruit more minions, but we must remain _covert_ until the Evil Master Plan of Supreme Uglyship comes into fruition. So until doomsday there will be rules for the minion to guarantee covertness. 1. The first rule of Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club is don’t talk about Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club. 2. The second rule of Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club is don’t talk about Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/31 "2005-01-25T21:24:00Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > … maybe I could toss in a puppy or something. There’s going to be _puppy kicking_ in this revolution? Where can I sign up? Let’s see, I need to be able to contribute somehow … > [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > … can you make the seas boil? Ah, that’s the ticket. I can make the seas boil. Well, not all of them. Not even much of one. Just maybe a square foot, really. And then only after I’ve eaten a big veggie meal. Oh, and I’m ugly too. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/32 "2005-01-25T21:24:39Z")
I allready own a mirrored codpiece, can I join your army? I also have Chain Mail and a long sword. Oh, and is that Llama you mentioned still available, I might need a trusty steed. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/33 "2005-01-25T21:34:34Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > I allready own a mirrored codpiece, can I join your army? I also have Chain Mail and a long sword. Oh, and is that Llama you mentioned still available, I might need a trusty steed. _Mirrored_??? Have ye lost your mind, lad? Would you have my own hideousness used against me? Sure I’ll have my paper baggie over my head when I’m with the troops, but but in the heat of battle I sure wouldn’t want an accidental glimpse of the repugnant mosaic of grotesqueness that is me! No, you must wear the standard issues Trouser Snake like everyone else. The chain mail and long sword are in. The llama spits. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/34 "2005-01-25T21:47:06Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Ah, that’s the ticket. I can make the seas boil. Well, not all of them. Not even much of one. Just maybe a square foot, really. And then only after I’ve eaten a big veggie meal. Well, seeing as my face on all the drink cups will quickly cause the collapse of Taco Bell, there’s sure to be a surplus of Gordita Supremes – there’s gonna be enough fuel for you to at least get Lake Michigan to simmer. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/35 "2005-01-25T22:21:41Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > _Mirrored_??? Have ye lost your mind, lad? Would you have my own hideousness used against me? Sure I’ll have my paper baggie over my head when I’m with the troops, but but in the heat of battle I sure wouldn’t want an accidental glimpse of the repugnant mosaic of grotesqueness that is me! > > No, you must wear the standard issues Trouser Snake like everyone else. The chain mail and long sword are in. The llama spits. There goes my “Hay babe, I can see your face in my crotch” chatup line. Do you have any Llamas that swallow? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/36 "2005-01-25T22:29:31Z")
Well, if ytou’re gonna (try to) rule the world, you’ll need a cool villan name. Imean, Eats\_Crayons is o good name, but it doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of the masses. You need something like: “The Steel Tyrant” or maybe: “The Face of Agony” Plus, when my hoard of Nordic Warriors faces off against you’re minions for complete control of the world, I’ll need I cool name to put into “**[you’re name here] I’ll have you’re head before the day is done!**” ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/37 "2005-01-25T22:52:44Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > Well, if ytou’re gonna (try to) rule the world, you’ll need a cool villan name. Imean, Eats\_Crayons is o good name, but it doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of the masses. You need something like: “The Steel Tyrant” or maybe: “The Face of Agony” How about “Uglier than Chlamydia!” Speaking of Chlamydia, I was thinking… I was going to start my world conquest at a modest scale. First Rhode Island, then maybe Nova Scotia. You know, humble beginings. But then I thought a bit more. To be sure, Chlamydia’s face can sunder mountains. As I must be uglier than she, I may as well start out a bit more amibitously. Should I try the entire northern hemisphere all at once, or just the eastern sea board? ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/38 "2005-01-25T23:02:10Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Should I try the entire northern hemisphere all at once, or just the eastern sea board? If I may, oh high-exalted one, I suggest Canada first. Evil overlords need a forbidding headquarters, and a good old fashioned glacial Fortress of Solitude seems like just the ticket. From there your armies can _cover the world_. ---
**Author:** ![conurepete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@conurepete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/conurepete)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/39 "2005-01-25T23:04:21Z")
Well, I’ll join if I can have the sparkly evening gown. Uhh… do I put this codpiece on over it or under it? If you need more pirates, I brought my own parrot. He types! He is already evil! ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/40 "2005-01-25T23:08:01Z")
You’ll have to consider a user name change, dear. Something like **Eats\_Babies** or **Eats\_Grandma** , perhaps? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=3)