# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/61 "2005-01-26T05:57:36Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Eats, maybe Sniffs has realized what a idiot she was to dump you and is punishing herself for her stupidity. Yes, but you’d think some simple self-flagellation would – no, I said _“flagellate”_, gutterbrain! “Flage–” forget it! You’d think some self-flogging would be more appealing than Chlamydia. > [@andygirl](#): > > Darling, you could make a good dog break a leash. Perfect! We got the pooch for the Global Chaos potion! ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/62 "2005-01-26T06:10:31Z")
Oh poor Crayons ![If only you had stayed off the meth!](http://www.flamegrilled.net/albums/bizarre/methuse.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Headspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8491ac/32.png) [@Headspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Headspace)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/63 "2005-01-26T06:46:36Z")
In sooth Eats, your barbarous and venemous plans are developing nicely. A commendable effort to date. But before acquiring fullmembership to the Super Villain Rotary Club of Evil there a few things you need to address. 1. Who is your arch enemy/nemesis? Sure, Sniffs\_Markers and Chlamydia forced you into super-villaindom, and may well be your initial victims-de-jour, but no villain exists without an opposite. Where and who is your foe of foes? 2. What is you (hopefully ironical) weakness? Just as Superman had Kryptonite, Eats has what? Does the sight of hairspray/soapie star/Hollywood plastic surgeon immediately nullify your power leaving you weak and helpless? 3. Your mode of transport? An oversized nose shaped car complete with wart and hairy exhaust? 4. Your credo or catchcry? Shazzam, It’s clobbering time, Up Up and away having been already taken what will you call out as you leap fearlessly into battle? 5. Finally before membership is granted we will need to see passing grades from the Peter Parker Institute for Witty Rejoinder and Repartee in the following classes: How to explain your fiendish plan to captive superheroes before destroying them. Zingy rejoinders or how to defeat enemies with words of 2 syllables or more Suffering Sucotash or the relevance of alliteration to modern villainy Wishing you all the worst with you fiendishly malevolent plans on behalf of the membership of the SVRCE Lex Luthor ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/64 "2005-01-26T12:07:23Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > **Inigo** - Your oddly alluring facial scars look both tough and determined, and at the same time are disturbing enough to make pre-schoolers cry… Hm… See **Dob** about getting a codpiece then use the bicycle to sharpen your nose, I think you can be the Minister of Facism. You’ll like it, you get cool boots. Boots are good. But codpieces are for sissies. Besides, it would hide some of my ugliest ugliness! I was thinking about just the boots and maybe some studded black leather chapps. And an SS cap for that evil Nazi look–nothing says “Fascist” like a well-coordinated 3-piece ensemble. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/65 "2005-01-26T13:33:39Z")
> [@Headspace](#): > > 1. Who is your arch enemy/nemesis? Sure, Sniffs\_Markers and Chlamydia forced you into super-villaindom, and may well be your initial victims-de-jour, but no villain exists without an opposite. Where and who is your foe of foes? Unlike super_heroes_ there is no requisite for Evil Overlords to have a single nemesis. So I’m going to say that my arch enemy is New Zealand. > [@](#): > > What is you (hopefully ironical) weakness? I can not reveal my weakness online! The New Zealanders may see it, and then what would I do? But dang it, I have got to do something about those pesky blind people. They just don’t get knocked on their arses by my ugliness. I keep having to trip them instead. > [@](#): > > Your mode of transport? An oversized nose shaped car complete with wart and hairy exhaust? For the most part, I shall be chauffered in the Baby Killing Mobile. But what I really want to have eventually is one of theose glass boxes like the Pope’s got, so my ugliness on display for all to see as I coast along. It will bring traffic to a grinding halt and birds will drop dead from the sky, littering the streets with their plumed cadavres. Only, _my_ glass Pope box will have a turbo boost engine, it will be able to drive itself, the windows can tint really dark when I want them too, and there will be an onboard computer that talks to me in a snooty voice. > [@](#): > > Your credo or catchcry? Shazzam, It’s clobbering time, Up Up and away having been already taken what will you call out as you leap fearlessly into battle? _“Menudo!”_… Yeah, that sounds mystical. Exotic. What? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/66 "2005-01-26T16:48:33Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Boots are good. But codpieces are for sissies. Besides, it would hide some of my ugliest ugliness! I was thinking about just the boots and maybe some studded black leather chapps. And an SS cap for that evil Nazi look–nothing says “Fascist” like a well-coordinated 3-piece ensemble. I’m afraid the Trouser Snake codpieces are mandatory for all henchmen and minions. However, to show that I treat my minions well, I your chaps may be assless if you feel your butt is ugly (or hairy) enough for the “shock and awe” effect, and you may have the fire-breathing Godzillawang codpiece to match **Tenar**. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/67 "2005-01-26T17:13:54Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > …if you feel your butt is ugly (or hairy) enough for the “shock and awe” effect Yay! Another way in which I may contribute toward your eventual, nay, inevitable global reign of terror! I excel in this area. Especially the hairy part. Verily, when people see my butt they know fear. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/68 "2005-01-26T17:46:39Z")
Paging **Chewie** er I mean **Scylla** Lord of Hairy Butts, master of Blimps, and keeper of the sacred Goat. ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/69 "2005-01-26T17:53:06Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > Paging **Chewie** er I mean **Scylla** Lord of Hairy Butts, master of Blimps, and keeper of the sacred Goat. No, you don’t. **Chew…Scylla** I mean, will try to wrest control of the World Domination[sup]TM[/sup] from Her Supreme Ugliness\* **Eats\_Crayons** hands. \*Catering to Her Supreme Ugliness delusion that she is ugly ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/70 "2005-01-26T18:07:49Z")
I, for one, would like to welcome our new Ugly-Ass Master. Mistress? Mastress? Oh, hell. Sign me up as a henchman. Or do you have a position available as Unctious Toady? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/71 "2005-01-26T18:28:02Z")
So, we’re going to flood Canada by melting the polar ice caps with my hideousness that can wilt the stars. The we’ll wrest control of the U.S. out of the iron fist of conquering Canadians – but how? I’m thinking of sending an **Eats\_Babies** Bobble Head recreation of my own unmasked wrtechedness to every household. It must be a co-ordinated campaign, or else word of mouth will spread and people will be too afraid to open the box. If we set it up jack-in-the-box style, it might not matter. We could have the _Fearsome Hairy Butt Corp_ parade throught the main streets of every town. People will tremble in fear… or they might just think it’s an impromptu Bear Pride event and not give it a second thought. Except in Arkansas where such displays are typically met with angry, torch-carrying mobs swinging pitchforks and rakes. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/72 "2005-01-26T18:46:28Z")
Of course the answer is obvious. After your relationship ended, your ex just wanted to try being the pretty one. But if you are still set on Evil World Domination, I have a cooler you might be interested in. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/73 "2005-01-26T18:54:26Z")
I am rather busy but I feel compelled to apply for a postion because I am truly hideous and scarred. I am also old and bitter and that is a powerful mix. I should very much like to serve as your mentor. You could learn much from me. I am a charter member of the Cult of Uniquely Nasty Tiara Schleppers and might even be persuaded to sponsor you, if that is your wish. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/74 "2005-01-26T18:55:16Z")
> [@Velma](#): > > …if you are still set on Evil World Domination, I have a cooler you might be interested in. :eek: :eek: Nnnnoooo!!! :: frantically tries to hide :: Er, sorry about that, Your Most Awful Terribleness, **Eats\_Crayons** , Ma’am. :: grovels :: :: straightens hench-tie and surreptitiously wipes scuff from hench-boots :: I think this ‘cooler’ would be an Artifact of Power most worthy of the Dread Lady **Eats\_Crayons** … ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/75 "2005-01-26T19:14:11Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I think this ‘cooler’ would be an Artifact of Power most worthy of the Dread Lady **Eats\_Crayons** … _GASP_ You mean theCOoler exists??? I thought 'twas but a _legend_. Yet, you assure me the Grail of Terror does indeed exist and is not a tale passed down in gerenations of posts? I must have this tool of darkness, the One Cooler. My precious. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/76 "2005-01-26T19:25:24Z")
Verily, the events surrounding The Cooler’s appearance in This World have been [recounted](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177712&highlight=Cooler+Death) before, but we believed that all trace of it had been lost, rolled down the storm drains to the St Lawrence and out to sea long ago. Yet if this news is true, it may still exist. ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/77 "2005-01-26T23:27:59Z")
Well, we earlier established that Chlamydia is Gollum’s uglier step-sister. They live near that extension of the Appalachian Mountains (quite “misty” during the spring and fall) that extends into the Gaspe Penninsula. You do the math. Now we just have to figure out where the hobbits have stashed it. I’m sure **Eats** is assembling the Nine right now. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/78 "2005-01-27T00:16:18Z")
> [@paperbackwriter](#): > > Now we just have to figure out where the hobbits have stashed it. I’m sure **Eats** is assembling the Nine right now. “Nine?” Oh. I got “The Fourteen”. **Paperbackwriter**? Pfeh. You’re really an editor, aren’t you? Man, I hate editors. Always trying to cut, cut, cut! _muttering_ Can’t have The Fourteen, nooooo. Must assemble the “Nine.” Can’t have an Evil Conquest with Fourtee-ee-een, no siree, Bob. If I could at least have twelve it could be a conquest of Biblical proportions. Like anyone ever had a good tale to tell with “nine”! ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/79 "2005-01-27T00:33:39Z")
Y’see, “fourteen” just doesn’t have any mystical resonances. I could accept 11, 13, 17, or even 666, although that would be a lot of Riders. Anything over 50 gets really unwieldy. Best to stick with the lower numbers. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/80 "2005-01-27T01:42:32Z")
All I said was “codpiece”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=5)