# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/81 "2005-01-27T05:42:42Z")
Okay… now than about forty people have chimed in with, “I’ve _seen_ you and you’re lovely” and all that can we get some pictures so the rest of us can help prop up your self esteem? Lingerie preferred, nekkid- just as good 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cerowyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/82dd89/32.png) [@Cerowyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerowyn)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/82 "2005-01-27T06:35:13Z")
Pictures of **Eats** have been posted here before, in the form of Toronto Dopefest pix. In the spirit of not coddling Dopers\*, I’ll leave searching for them as an exercise for the reader. Does participating in this plan for world domination require any special form of ugliness? Or will run-of-the-mill aging tubby white-guy homeliness do? - Having nothing, of course, to do with the fact that I’m lazy. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/83 "2005-01-27T13:19:04Z")
> [@Cerowyn](#): > > Does participating in this plan for world domination require any special form of ugliness? Or will run-of-the-mill aging tubby white-guy homeliness do? Well, run-of-the-mill aging _Teletubby_ homeliness would actually be more effective particularly as our Troops of Repugnancy move through the southern states. Right-wingers will mistake you for Tinky Winky and think that the Gay Agenda has come to fruition. This will cause much needed panic and chaos (without the Matt’s Nut potion, even) and pandemonium will be rampant the streets. All the easier for the Hairy Butts of Doom Corp to follow through with mass mooning, weaken all resistance so they will crumble before my debagged face. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/84 "2005-01-27T14:19:44Z")
Ah. Taking over the world with Her Teeming Minions (aka “The Fourteen”) and the Cooler of Death. Sniff. **Eats\_Crayons** , I think I love you. In an evil way, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/85 "2005-01-27T14:20:02Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Verily, the events surrounding The Cooler’s appearance in This World have been [recounted](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177712&highlight=Cooler+Death) before, but we believed that all trace of it had been lost, rolled down the storm drains to the St Lawrence and out to sea long ago. Yet if this news is true, it may still exist. I also have reason to believe part of The Essence lives on within my dog. Perhaps **Crayons** would like a sidekick? Usually cats are better for evil, but in this case I think an exception could be made. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/86 "2005-01-27T14:56:15Z")
> [@Velma](#): > > I also have reason to believe part of The Essence lives on within my dog. Perhaps **Crayons** would like a sidekick? Usually cats are better for evil, but in this case I think an exception could be made. Depends entirely on the appearance of the dog. Essence of Evil though it may have, a poodle may not produce the requisite trembling fear. A _horde_ of poodles all wearing cute little outfits and tutus, may however produce enough general disgust too cause nausea and vomiting (and would be considered if they are also annoyingly yappy). If the Black Hound of Death is a boot-faced mutt, with torn ears, one eye, too many teeth to fit in its muzzle, and a habit of soiling only the best in patent leather shoes, then it may fit well at my side. Of course the dog will have to wear the Trouser Snake codpiece like the rest of the troops. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/87 "2005-01-27T15:16:21Z")
> [@Her Terrible Mightiness](#): > > Of course the dog will have to wear the Trouser Snake codpiece like the rest of the troops. Oh, now _that’s_ evil. ---
**Author:** ![Gadfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@Gadfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadfly)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/88 "2005-01-27T15:16:37Z")
Okay, I’ve been persuaded to join the movement. Is tall, scraggly, angular, and general-odd-looking-ness enough for certification ---
**Author:** ![Gadfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@Gadfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadfly)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/89 "2005-01-27T15:27:09Z")
And a peculiar lack of question marks ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/90 "2005-01-27T15:45:22Z")
> [@Gadfly](#): > > Is tall, scraggly, angular, and general-odd-looking-ness enough for certification Only if you can, at will, make your eyeballs look in two different directions at the same time, and you have hair growing out of your ears and nostrils. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/91 "2005-01-27T16:09:01Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > If necessary, I am willing to become an Evil Master Mind, the new arch-nemesis of Batman perhaps, but only if I get henchment. Or minions! Minions would be cool. Before I become a minion, I need to know about your benefit plans, specifically death benefits, and whether or not said death benefits include being killed by the EMM in addition to the swashbuckling hero. You can skip major medical; we minions either die or are captured and the hero ends up picking up hospital tabs. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/92 "2005-01-27T16:59:09Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > Before I become a minion, I need to know about your benefit plans, specifically death benefits, and whether or not said death benefits include being killed by the EMM in addition to the swashbuckling hero. You can skip major medical; we minions either die or are captured and the hero ends up picking up hospital tabs. Well, I’ll tell you straight up that there is no dental plan. You think Gollum had a dental plan? I don’t think so. Chlamydia does seem to have a dental plan, but due to fear of infection, her dentist won’t come hear her with a ten foot pole that’s wrapped in a condom. (That’s not a metaphorical comment on the dentist’s endowment, it was meant literally-- he usually beats her away with a stick.) For injuries causing disfigurment, there is a 40% increase in pay, painkillers are covered for free (whether you need them or not), although it is preferred that, when in public, you “lurch” as if bent over wracked with pain for the “zombie look”. Upon death, there is a flat rate payment of 70,000 dollars to your next of kin, but only if they are ugly. If they are “average looking” the rate drops to $45,000 (unless you take them to the bicycle.) Death is no excuse to miss work, you are expected to return to the lines as the Walking Dead. (Yes, the powers of my hideousness reach far beyond the grave in scope.) Putrification that enhances an unruly appearance results in a 30% increase in pay unless things fall off so your codpiece won’t stay in place. The pension is competitive, and you can opt to have a portion of your wages invested in the Pestilent Mutual Fund. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/93 "2005-01-27T17:14:23Z")
> [@Her Awful Terribleness](#): > > For injuries causing disfigurment, there is a 40% increase in pay, painkillers are covered for free (whether you need them or not), although it is preferred that, when in public, you “lurch” as if bent over wracked with pain for the “zombie look”. Yer Most Terrible Awfulmess, Ma’am, what are the policies with regard to miasmas and Unclean Influences? I believe I exude an influence that causes odd air currents, curdles milk, repels Beautiful Young Women, and causes low-level alerts at the airport. However, it does not seem to have any effect on my physical health. Do I get a pay credit for this as contributing to the cause? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/94 "2005-01-27T17:29:36Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I believe I exude an influence that causes odd air currents, curdles milk, repels Beautiful Young Women, and causes low-level alerts at the airport. However, it does not seem to have any effect on my physical health. Do I get a pay credit for this as contributing to the cause? Exactly what kind of soup are you eating? If you have a “demonstrated ability” (e.g./ emissions that can strip the paint from walls and cause Niagara Falls to recoil and flow backwards), you are elligible for a weekly bonus and the first born of the celebrity pairing of your choosing. Fear not, we all know that two gorgeous people produce troll-babies, so you can raise him as your own and he will live to follow in the footsteps of your repugnance. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/95 "2005-01-27T17:35:47Z")
The dog can wear a codpiece, but she is a girl. She has never expressed any aversion to cross-dressing before, though, so it should be ok. Also one Halloween I bought her her own Devil ears, so she comes with those. She is a rather cross-looking dog when she wants to be. A mutt, she is. Made of some sort of shepherd (maybe German - there’s evil right there) and various other things, possibly evil things. And, when she was a pup one of her ears fell so now she has one ear that stands up and one that flops. The horror! The horror! She is the only being that has directly consumed any of The Evil That Was In The Cooler, so that’s an impressive note on her resume. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/96 "2005-01-27T17:39:42Z")
> [@You Know Who](#): > > Exactly what kind of soup are you eating? Campbell’s Cream of Demonic Chicken. Why? ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/97 "2005-01-27T17:47:55Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Campbell’s Cream of Demonic Chicken. Pah! Try Progresso’s Black Hearted Bean Soup. Oh no! I’ve said too much! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/98 "2005-01-27T17:51:34Z")
> [@Velma](#): > > She is the only being that has directly consumed any of The Evil That Was In The Cooler, so that’s an impressive note on her resume. Ah, as the only drinker of the Elixir of DoomCooler, it would be far more appropriate for her to be worshipped. She shall live on a pesdestal in the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom, which is in Chicago. Her likeness will be carved out of gold. And she will appear on our currency. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/99 "2005-01-27T17:53:30Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Pah! Try Progresso’s Black Hearted Bean Soup. But make sure you get it with the hearts still beating. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/100 "2005-01-27T17:58:28Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Ah, as the only drinker of the Elixir of DoomCooler, it would be far more appropriate for her to be worshipped. She shall live on a pesdestal in the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom, which is in Chicago. > > Her likeness will be carved out of gold. And she will appear on our currency. Great. She’s uppity enough as it is. Now there will just be no living with her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=6)