# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/101 "2005-01-28T04:14:13Z")
> [@Our Dark Mistress And Overlord](#): > > Ah, as the only drinker of the Elixir of DoomCooler, it would be far more appropriate for her to be worshipped. She shall live on a pesdestal in the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom, which is in Chicago. > > Her likeness will be carved out of gold. And she will appear on our currency. Sounds Darkly Inspiring to me! I can see the recruitment posters already: **Her Most Terrifying Mightiness, the Dread Lady Eats\_Crayons** strides out of the centre of the image, cape billowing to reveal hints of her Tragically-Scarred Beauty. The **Dog That Ate (Some Of) The Evil** is at her side, flames in her eyes and all. **Minions** and **fighters** , led by the **Fiendish Fourteen** , crowd behind. In the distance, a city of green hills and white towers is burning. The sun is setting. Good may be more virtuous, but Evil has **style** , baby! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/102 "2005-01-28T07:02:46Z")
**Eats** , I’ve seen your photo here on the board, and it absolutely boggles my mind how Sniffs could possibly not be attracted to you. Uncovering your face is sure to have a profound effect on those you wish to conquer, but certainly _not_ due to hideousness. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/103 "2005-01-28T12:55:01Z")
\*\* [quote] Gozillawang [/qoute\*\* Band name & User name! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/104 "2005-01-28T13:04:08Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > \*\*Gozillawang \*\* Band name & User name! Do not make fun of the Godzillawang. Sure it’s more of a ceremonial codpiece, something so big would be difficult in battle. But as part of the dress uniform for the teeming minions it must still be treated with dignity and respect. It is part of a distinguihsed uniform – kinda like the big, tall, fuzzy, black q-tip hats you see on those English guys. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/105 "2005-01-28T13:19:49Z")
Speaking of the Enlgish and their poofy hats, while I seem to have a solid plan for the unglification of North America: let Canada invade the U.S., flood Canada, move into U.S. my Baby Killer Mobile, have the Hairy Butt Corps render cities to rubble, stop at Starbucks for a latte, continue south, something I’ll figure out when I get there, and – presto! – North America is mine. They will tremble when they hear my name! I will be the lead on the news (except Fox which will be too busy covering Michael Jackson’s trial in a fair and balanced way). But I need a plan for expanding the Conquest of Doom franchise into Europe. If I plunge my uncovered face into the ocean, enough aquatic life should perish from the sight and float to the surface, that we probably could just walk across, but once there where to begin? England? Well, with their dentistry being was it is, our troops may face some serious counter-ugly when we arrive. Decisions, decisions… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/106 "2005-01-28T15:14:06Z")
> [@She](#): > > England? Well, with their dentistry being was it is, our troops may face some serious counter-ugly when we arrive. Decisions, decisions… Well, since I am of English descent and I have a bite pattern that looks like a train wreck, I think we can do some pre-emptive counter-counter-dental-uglification in return! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/107 "2005-01-28T15:17:31Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > It is part of a distinguihsed uniform – kinda like the big, tall, fuzzy, black q-tip hats you see on those English guys. That would be **Busby** Hats. Now I have the image of Godzilla sportin’ a woodie and wearing a Busby. A very big Busby. You truly are evil. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/108 "2005-01-28T18:15:12Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > That would be **Busby** Hats. Now I have the image of Godzilla sportin’ a woodie and wearing a Busby. A very big Busby. Aw! Now I have an image of Godzilla wearing a very big busby over his woodie! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/109 "2005-01-28T19:08:24Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Only if you can, at will, **make your eyeballs look in two different directions at the same time, and you have hair growing out of your ears and nostrils.** Heh. **Athena** already owns the [perfect minion](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=299341) for you. He’s even on his way to being well-trained. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/110 "2005-01-28T19:20:47Z")
So, does that mean I should add **The Pug That Sees Two Different Worlds** to the recruiting poster, or what? ---
**Author:** ![Tenar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@Tenar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenar)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/111 "2005-01-28T23:39:13Z")
Wow! That’s some dog. How about “Butt-Pug”? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/112 "2005-01-29T00:14:23Z")
Ah, yes, little butt-pugly Frodo, in all his heinous glory. The real-life inspiration for the _Hound of the Baskervilles_! However he is too young and inexperienced to joing the ranks of the teeming minions. He has mastered the art of “Sit”, but we must wait until he learned “Menace”, “Devour”, “Maul” and “Don’t Pee on the Rug.” ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/113 "2005-01-29T00:36:12Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > we must wait until he learned “Menace”, “Devour”, “Maul” Then the situation calls for a kitten. Of course, it would have to be a very big kitten since the targets of its hellionism aren’t mouse sized. Oh, except kittens are cute. Hmm, well that’s okay, just put a bag over its head. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/114 "2005-01-29T00:52:59Z")
> [@umop ap!sdn](#): > > Oh, except kittens are cute. Hmm, well that’s okay, just put a bag over its head. 😃 I’m the only one allowed to have a bag over my head. But with some hair gel, spray paint, crazy glue, and foam rubber we can probably make it look like that Fizgig thing from _The Dark Crystal_. But natural hideousness would be preferred. We should find a _mutated kitten_ with two heads or something. We should look around Cleveland, or maybe Buffalo. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/115 "2005-01-29T02:28:15Z")
Actually, if you’re looking for mutants, wouldn’t the corner of Church and Dundas do? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/116 "2005-01-29T02:46:37Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Actually, if you’re looking for mutants, wouldn’t the corner of Church and Dundas do? Mutant _kitten_, Sunspace. The Church and Dundas mutants are a dime a dozen. Heck, I’m within walking distance you should see what walks past my apartment late at night. Hint: _“Brrrraaaaaaiiiins…”_ ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/117 "2005-01-29T06:39:45Z")
> [@She Who Must Be Admired From Afar Because She's Lethal Close Up](#): > > Mutant _kitten_, **Sunspace**. The Church and Dundas mutants are a dime a dozen. Heck, I’m within walking distance you should see what walks past my apartment late at night. > > Hint: _“Brrrraaaaaaiiiins…”_ You have a talk radio infestation? How do you know that there are _not_ mutant kittens near the corner of Church and Dundas? They can’t _all_ be robust specimens of _Rattus norvegicus_. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/118 "2005-01-29T14:33:15Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > How do you know that there are _not_ mutant kittens near the corner of Church and Dundas? They can’t _all_ be robust specimens of _Rattus norvegicus_. Those are rats? Oh. I thought they were Shetland ponies. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/71c47a/32.png) [@Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo_ate_my_hamster)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2005, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/119 "2005-01-30T19:59:59Z")
::wanders in the thread by accident and hears the word _minions_ repeated a lot:: mmmmmmmmmm, mignons … ::drools:: What? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/120 "2005-01-30T20:23:19Z")
> [@Torgo ate my hamster](#): > > mmmmmmmmmm, mignons … ::drools:: > > What? “Mignon” means “small” or “cute”. (As in a filet mignon which is literally a “small boneless meat” or “le chiot est très mignon” meaning the “puppy is very cute”). So if you’re saying small, cute things are yummy, then I shall dub you Devourer of Kittens and you can board the black minion bus with all the cool kids. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=7)