# I must exploit my ugliness to conquer the world! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624 "2005-01-25T18:35:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/71c47a/32.png) [@Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo_ate_my_hamster)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2005, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/121 "2005-01-30T20:48:52Z")
Count me in. Just make sure that there’s enough room on the bus since I’ve managed to compensate my lack of good looks in the weight department. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2005, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/122 "2005-01-30T20:53:37Z")
> [@Torgo ate my hamster](#): > > Count me in. Just make sure that there’s enough room on the bus since I’ve managed to compensate my lack of good looks in the weight department. Yes, kittens are surprisingly high in calories. I think it’s the sweetness. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/123 "2005-01-30T21:05:16Z")
Where do I sign up? Every Archfiend needs superweapons and gadgets, and as a highly trained and skilled gadget freak I more than qualify. Need an antenna farm to radiate the planet with blipverts? Want to take control of secret Star Wars satellites? I’m your man. Need upgraded lasers for your sharks? Can do. Like Gi Joe, I come equipped with my own weaponry - guns, battle axes, broadswords and flails. In return, my needs are small. [Lex Luthor voice] Australia[/Lex Luthor voice]. Barring that, a cool uniform and a bitching title would be neat. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/124 "2005-01-31T00:27:19Z")
:eek: This thread made Threadspotting! My first Threadspotting thread!!! \ _sob_ Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This moment is so much bigger than me… I’d like to thank the Academy… Then unleash _Catwoman_ on ALL OF MANKIND. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Evil is my name! Hell Actually Lets Lucifer Escape… Because Evil Runs Rampant… Yonder! \ Mua-ha-ha-ha! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/125 "2005-01-31T00:29:30Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Aw! Now I have an image of Godzilla wearing a very big busby over his woodie! :eek: BTW - I’ve been meaning to ask, is that what they mean by a “French tickler”? ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/126 "2005-01-31T01:37:06Z")
Didn’t that get changed to Freedom ticklers? No matter Your Supreme Heinous can change the name when the world is yours. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/127 "2005-01-31T03:12:14Z")
> [@She](#): > > I’d like to thank the Academy… > > Then unleash Catwoman on ALL OF MANKIND. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Evil is my name! Hell Actually Lets Lucifer Escape… Because Evil Runs Rampant… Yonder! Whoa! She really is evil! :: looks around at stylish underground hench-office :: :: notes bridge oyer pirahna-tank just outside lobby entrance :: :: notes also segment in middle of span with slightly-different colour :: :: notes protective shutters over Evil Lady’s office windows :: :: notes lack of protective shutters over own office windows :: :: notes lack of emergency-exit instruction-card on back of office door :: Uh oh. ---
**Author:** ![dontknowmuch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@dontknowmuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dontknowmuch)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/128 "2005-01-31T05:19:07Z")
How bout one of your pics, crayons? im not a full fledged member so I think that’s why I can’t get into your profile. I’ll let you know how your looks are 😉 just a link would work or you can send it to my email ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/129 "2005-01-31T05:27:01Z")
Y’know, much as I hate to concur with a guy named **dontknowmuch** (just kiddin’, **dkm** ), the fact that this thread has grown to three pages without so much as a single picture saddens me somehow. Come on, now, **Crayons**. Humor us. ---
**Author:** ![dontknowmuch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@dontknowmuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dontknowmuch)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/130 "2005-01-31T05:32:54Z")
hey i’m not THAT dumb lol my IQ is 149 according to a uh umm… eh… 😃 online IQ test at [emode.com](http://emode.com) 😊 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/131 "2005-01-31T05:57:51Z")
> [@Roland Orzibal](#): > > Come on, now, **Crayons**. Humor us. She’s not going to humour us because she’s evil. Almost by definition, she likes to have supplicants begging at her feet. :: looks nervously around hench-office :: I can say, having met her in person, that it’s worth it. 😃 > [@dontknowmuch](#): > > hey i’m not THAT dumb lol my IQ is 149 according to a uh umm… eh… online IQ test at [emode.com](http://emode.com) Oh yeah? Mine’s 161 by the same site. [sub]of course, another one of their tests said mine was 109, so I have a few doubts about them[/sub] :: continues twiddling thumbs in hench-office, wondering why the Plant Safety trainer hasn’t shown up :: ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/132 "2005-01-31T12:49:02Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > :: continues twiddling thumbs in hench-office, wondering why the Plant Safety trainer hasn’t shown up :: Was that the guy with the bow tie and clipboard? 'Cause he bumped into me in a dark alley and… uh… …So I should take out a “help wanted” ad for Evil Lair Safety Inspector, huh? Not MY fault the guy saw my face. It’s not like I _tried_ to melt him. ---
**Author:** ![FrostySonofThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@FrostySonofThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrostySonofThunder)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/133 "2005-01-31T14:02:15Z")
Excuse me, Your Most Terrifying Mightiness, the Dread Lady Eats\_Crayons? I’m new to these parts, and I was wondering if you have considered using \*\*Dread Biker Shock Troops \*\* to go into small towns and villages ahead of your vast minions to terrorize women and children, stampede livestock, and create general mayhem? **DBST** would not need much in the way of payment. Just the right to do some looting and pillaging. And beer. Lots and lots of beer. **DBST** require vast quantities of that marvelous elixir that is beer. Lots and lots of beer. If you are considering having **DBST** , I hereby volunteer my services to your dread cause of world domination. I can provide my own bike. Also, I think the **Godzillwang** would look really, really cool with the traditional leather biker regalia(chaps, jacket, steel toed boots, chains). I await your reply. Your must humble servant, **FrostySonofThunder**. Did I mention that I like beer? ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/134 "2005-01-31T15:38:29Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > …So I should take out a “help wanted” ad for Evil Lair Safety Inspector, huh? Sounds like a pretty easy gig, actually. > [@Evil Lair Plant Safety Training Part 1: Evacuation Drills](#): > > In the event of an emergency, a claxon horn will sound. In the event of such an alarm, there are two acceptable actions for minions of Our Dread Lady Eats\_Crayons: You may ignore it and proceed with your normal duties, or you may panic and run around like a chicken with your head cut off. Neither action will contribute to your survival, so choose the option that feels most comforting while you await your inevitable demise. > This concludes Evil Lair Plant Safety Training. Now get back to work. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/135 "2005-01-31T15:41:59Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > BTW - I’ve been meaning to ask, is that what they mean by a “French tickler”? “Ho-ho-ho! Sacre Bleu! Monsieur Godzilla! Alors! Ho-ho-ho! Stop! Eet hurts! Eet hurtAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH” Hm. If _that_ constitutes a French Tickler, then: Yes. It is. So how about that Toady position, then? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/136 "2005-01-31T16:53:29Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > So how about that Toady position, then? Let’s see… Oo! I do have an opening for Table Scum. It’s an easy job. When we’re all sitting around the big, blck table of the Doom Feasting, and I go “Mwah-ha-ha-ha!” and throw a big turkey leg over my shoulder wastefully (having taken only one bite), the Table Scum is the one that gleefully scurries out from under the table to snatch the precious food of the floor. Now, the job means that people will kick you when you’re under the table, but you can eat all the food they throw at you. (Don’t worry, canned goods aren’t allowed, the last Table Scum got a concussion that way.) ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/137 "2005-01-31T17:02:58Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Let’s see… Oo! I do have an opening for Table Scum. It’s an easy job. When we’re all sitting around the big, blck table of the Doom Feasting, and I go “Mwah-ha-ha-ha!” and throw a big turkey leg over my shoulder wastefully (having taken only one bite), the Table Scum is the one that gleefully scurries out from under the table to snatch the precious food of the floor. > > Now, the job means that people will kick you when you’re under the table, but you can eat all the food they throw at you. (Don’t worry, canned goods aren’t allowed, the last Table Scum got a concussion that way.) Oh. My. Og. I am **so** there! I kind of do that at home now, anyway, but I never _dreamed_ I could make an evil career out of it! _gibbers gratefully_ Thank you, Your Wickedness! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/138 "2005-01-31T17:04:29Z")
> [@FrostySonofThunder](#): > > Excuse me, Your Most Terrifying Mightiness, the Dread Lady Eats\_Crayons? _ahem_ Please remember that for the purpose of global conquest and destruction, I am to be known as the wearer of the paper bag: **Dread Lady Eats\_Babies**. > [@FrostySonofThunder](#): > > I’m new to these parts, and I was wondering if you have considered using \*\*Dread Biker Shock Troops \*\* to go into small towns and villages ahead of your vast minions to terrorize women and children, stampede livestock, and create general mayhem? **DBST** would not need much in the way of payment. Just the right to do some looting and pillaging. And beer. Lots and lots of beer. **DBST** require vast quantities of that marvelous elixir that is beer. Lots and lots of beer. [/QUOTE] **Forsty** It sounds like you would be well-placed amoung the Scary-Ass Scary Ass Brigade where you can wear shiny, pointy things on your shoes, lots of black leather and assless chaps. The Filthy Butts of Meat and Hair are free to consume as much beer as they want. But please remove your lizard shaped codpiece _before_ you try to write your name in the snow. The folks in the laundry room have been complaining. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/139 "2005-01-31T17:48:19Z")
> [@Dread Lady Eats\_Babies](#): > > …the Table Scum is the one that gleefully scurries out from under the table to snatch the precious food of the floor. Is that position in competition with **The Dog That Are (Some Of) The Evil** or **The Pug That Sees Two Different Worlds**? And are the aforementioned animals ravenous? If so, I know a few people I would like to get rid of, er, I mean, “recommend the position to”. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624/140 "2005-01-31T19:15:33Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Is that position in competition with **The Dog That Are (Some Of) The Evil** or **The Pug That Sees Two Different Worlds**? And are the aforementioned animals ravenous? If so, I know a few people I would like to get rid of, er, I mean, “recommend the position to”. [sulking] There’s quite a bit of meat on a turkey leg, and I was prepared to share with the compound-eyed pug… [/sulking] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-must-exploit-my-ugliness-to-conquer-the-world/286624.md?page=8)