# I need a few good men... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 29, 2002, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184 "2002-08-29T22:46:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/1 "2002-08-29T22:46:07Z")
…to join my harem. Okay boys, here’s your chance. I’m looking for some willing vict – uh, _volunteers_ to join my Harem of Many Unimaginable Pleasures. If you have ever dreamed of being a slave of love, and if you enjoy beauty, sensuality, bonda – uh, _devotion_, and kinky se – uh, _gentle caresses_, then this is the harem for you! Just leave me your name and list your qualifications, so I can select the best and brightest to be my scantily clad boyto – uh, _dearly beloved and cherished objects of desire._ 😃 .:Nichol:. ---
**Author:** ![Godfrey\_Daniels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Godfrey\_Daniels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Godfrey_Daniels)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/2 "2002-08-29T22:54:16Z")
G.D. here…better known in certain circles as Godfrey the Impaler… ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/3 "2002-08-30T00:42:27Z")
My name is Vy. Vy Brader. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/4 "2002-08-30T09:25:42Z")
[::flexes::](http://angelfire.com/va2/iampunha1/pics.html) ---
**Author:** ![Frank\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Frank\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank_2)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/5 "2002-08-30T13:22:54Z")
Sound like my kind of – um, _club_. 🙂 Name: see username \<------ Qualifications: very articulate tongue, high pain threshold, adventurous outlook (I just can’t say no), always thinking others (I like to make people happy), oh yeah…I’m single. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/6 "2002-08-30T13:49:22Z")
:eek: Sorry, **Nichol** , But I think I’ll have to hijack **iampunha** now. _fans herself_ ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/7 "2002-08-30T14:04:04Z")
Name: Meatros Physical Appearance: 5’ 2 600 lbs Physical Member: 1" long 1/2" wide while engorged Physical Smell: A bad combination between putrid genital odor, unwashed undies, and urine. Sweat eminates from my pores even in a below artic room. Facial Features: Buzz cut, brown hair, blue eyes, triple chin, no cheek bones to speak of, and a hideous arrangement of teeth which remain yellow and crusty even after several brushes with actual bleach. Sexual characteristics: Explodes upon impact, unless of course I can not contain myself-then I explode upon front of jeans. Can not support my own weight, so crushing asphixiation awaits partner on the bottom (but only for about 15 seconds). Tends to cry after sex. Does not like to be touched. Has been known to frequently _wet_ partner on accident. Has horrible hemorroids that make anal play a thing of nightmares. Perfers living partners, as rubber playmates tend to collect remanents. Oral abilities: Long thick tongue, but tend to puke on first or second lick. Jaw can not maintain openness for long without sudden snapping because of pavlovian response to desired filling with food. Breathe tends to stay on the affected body parts that mouth comes in contact with. Ability to please: If woman is please it is miracle and stars fall from sky, little girls from fatima will write predictions, and the guinness people will contact woman. After the event: Forces snuggling with disgusted female after the “event”. Buys ring and stalks woman for several months afterword. Creates elaborate fantasies about how good i was. Um…Do I qualify? ---
**Author:** ![fizzestothetop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e79b87/32.png) [@fizzestothetop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizzestothetop)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/8 "2002-08-31T17:22:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > \*\*:eek: > > Sorry, **Nichol** , But I think I’ll have to hijack **iampunha** now. _fans herself_ \*\* You and me both. _Dayum._ ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/9 "2002-08-31T17:30:22Z")
Heh! Take him, ladies! Then that’ll get him out of the way, and we can concentrate on **Nichol**. 🙂 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/10 "2002-08-31T17:58:47Z")
::walks into thread:: Well then… I coulda sworn, though, that I remember a reference to you, **Daerlyn** , that intimated that you had a fondness for women that most women reserve for men. But maybe I’m mis-remembering… ::tries to keep this away from being the flirt thread it could easily be:: ---
**Author:** ![Purd\_Werfect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47c2d/32.png) [@Purd\_Werfect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Purd_Werfect)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/11 "2002-08-31T18:19:31Z")
The HMUP? I suggest you substitute “Many Unimaginable” with “Unimaginable Mysterious” and change your organization’s name to HUMP. Then, aside from innuendo, you could set off to do battle with secret agents when not involved in tawdry liasons. ---
**Author:** ![loupdebois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e495f1/32.png) [@loupdebois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/loupdebois)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/12 "2002-08-31T18:46:02Z")
6 foot tall massotherapist, lean, schooled in many sensual arts, well-endowed, experienced in BDSM, available with the condition that I be allowed to leave if necessary as I am on call for one person (who shall never be denied) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/13 "2002-08-31T18:49:12Z")
**iampunha** : actually, I reserve that for members of both sexes. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/14 "2002-08-31T19:02:28Z")
**Nichol** , you’re in Mississippi, right? It’s not all that far. Unlike some of the others, I can get there right away, if you’re in a hurry or somethin’…😃 ---
**Author:** ![loupdebois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e495f1/32.png) [@loupdebois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/loupdebois)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/15 "2002-08-31T21:52:14Z")
::sulk:: ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/16 "2002-08-31T22:23:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > \*\*:eek: > > Sorry, **Nichol** , But I think I’ll have to hijack **iampunha** now. _fans herself_ \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by fizzestothetop \* > **You and me both. _Dayum._** Oh, my… let’s just say I’m thinking certain thoughts here… 😃 F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2002, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/17 "2002-09-01T02:49:48Z")
Hmmm. **Godfrey** , your nickname has…_potential_. I hereby designate **Meatros** the official Harem Monstrosity. He shall cook, clean, and perform amusing tricks for my benefit. However, he will be required to wear a bag over his head at all times, and maintain a distant of at least twenty feet from me. Also, I hereby proclaim **Yojimboguy, GopherGod72, Godfrey the Impaler, Vy Brader (Jack Batty), iampunha, Frank #2, dantheman, loupdebois, and John Carter of Mars** my pretty love slave harem boys. Your official uniforms consist of a gold-lamé G-string and a leather mask. I recommend oiling yourself well and eating lots of fresh fruit to give you stamina before reporting to duty each day. Medical supplies will be provided in the event of stubbed toes, papercuts, strained backs, slipped disks, lacerations, bite marks, carpet burn, and fingernail scratches. Anyone found suffering from exhaustion will be airlifted to the nearest hospital. **Purd Werfect** , your suggestion has been noted and is being considered. .:Nichol:. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2002, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/18 "2002-09-01T02:57:19Z")
:: commences tongue exercises … ready, begin, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… :: ---
**Author:** ![stofsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@stofsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stofsky)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2002, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/19 "2002-09-01T03:13:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Meatros \* > \*\*Name: Meatros > > Physical Appearance: 5’ 2 600 lbs > > Physical Member: 1" long 1/2" wide while engorged > > Physical Smell: A bad combination between putrid genital odor, unwashed undies, and urine. Sweat eminates from my pores even in a below artic room. > > Facial Features: Buzz cut, brown hair, blue eyes, triple chin, no cheek bones to speak of, and a hideous arrangement of teeth which remain yellow and crusty even after several brushes with actual bleach. > > Sexual characteristics: Explodes upon impact, unless of course I can not contain myself-then I explode upon front of jeans. Can not support my own weight, so crushing asphixiation awaits partner on the bottom (but only for about 15 seconds). Tends to cry after sex. Does not like to be touched. Has been known to frequently _wet_ partner on accident. Has horrible hemorroids that make anal play a thing of nightmares. Perfers living partners, as rubber playmates tend to collect remanents. > > Oral abilities: Long thick tongue, but tend to puke on first or second lick. Jaw can not maintain openness for long without sudden snapping because of pavlovian response to desired filling with food. Breathe tends to stay on the affected body parts that mouth comes in contact with. > > Ability to please: If woman is please it is miracle and stars fall from sky, little girls from fatima will write predictions, and the guinness people will contact woman. > > After the event: Forces snuggling with disgusted female after the “event”. Buys ring and stalks woman for several months afterword. Creates elaborate fantasies about how good i was. > > Um…Do I qualify? \*\* Drew Carey? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2002, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184/20 "2002-09-01T04:06:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > **iampunha** : actually, I reserve that for members of both sexes. 😉 Welcome to the club:) Always glad to have new membership. [sub]No, I’m not going to start my own harem. A bunch of men pleasing a woman? Sure! A bunch of women TO please? I’m not made of titanium OR platinum…[/sub] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-few-good-men/126184.md?page=2)