# I need a funny name to use on my supermarket discount card
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 11, 2000, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853 "2000-04-11T04:52:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@ralphredan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralphredan)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/1 "2000-04-11T04:52:00Z")
I need a funny name to use on my supermarket discount card.
The people at Safeway have decreed that all personnel greet you by name and grin.
They have been sued by the clerks because complaints that customers think they are being hit on and try to reciprocate. Well that’s not my problem.
I’m just a grump and don’t want new phoney friends. I’m rolling out the door and they cling to the receipt saying “How do you pronounce your name…Rafflon? Raphadden? I don’t know how that’s pronounced.”
I used to tell them “I don’t know, it’s not my own card.”
Then I switched to “Why? What’s your last name?” This always elicits “I’m not going to tell you that!” So at least we’ve dispensed with the pretense of it all. But, since I never see the same person twice, I’m always starting over.
Now I realize I just need a new name on the card.
Sure, an alias of Smith or Jones would get me done with the process quickly, but I’m a grump.
I want them to know they’ve been had.
Any suggestions?
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### Author:  [@Louie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Louie)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/2 "2000-04-11T04:56:00Z")
Ralph Redrum
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### Author:  [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/3 "2000-04-11T05:03:00Z")
My next card will have the last name “Jingleheimerschmidtt” just because I want to hear them say it. (Diabolical laughter!) 😃
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“Satan – I’ve had enough of your two cents!” – The hilarious Federalist
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### Author:  [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/4 "2000-04-11T05:06:00Z")
I like to tell people my name is spelled ‘Frenando Don-Jaun Santiago’, but pronounced ‘Shane Riggs’. You’d be surprised how many buy it (or maybe you won’t)
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### Author:  [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/5 "2000-04-11T05:08:00Z")
I went to high school with a Bob Baloo. Used to work with a guy named Al Laska. Did business with a fella named Austin Bowers. Also a Phat Ho, and a Bob Wanker.
I swear I’m not making these up. You can take your pick, if you like them.
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Music is harmony, harmony is perfection, perfection is our dream, and our dream is heaven–Amiel
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### Author:  [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/6 "2000-04-11T05:16:00Z")
You should become:
Ralph **jugdishnagahishanahassapimapetalan**.
Then they’ll just say “How’s it going Mr-um, uh, er, sir.”
Problem solved.
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Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
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### Author:  [@Shagrath\_Borgir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagrath_Borgir)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/7 "2000-04-11T05:17:00Z")
Ok, here’s a few…
Mike Hunt
Hugh G. Rection
Phil McAvity
Bo Nerr
Phillip York Hunt
Hugh Jass
Pat McRotch
Jack Doff
Peter Goezinya
Willie Fillya
Dick Fitzwell
Dick Aiken
Dick Hertz
Jacques Strapp
Hope these help! 🙂
* * *
“Through twilight, darkness and moonrise
My scarlet tears will run
As stolen blood and whispered love
Of fantasies undone”
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### Author:  [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/8 "2000-04-11T12:46:00Z")
Or how about pop-culture names? In high school, my friend and I attempted to get our student IDs to have different names printed on them. (my idea.) We scratched out our names on the card, and put the fake names over them. He chose Ben Kanobi, I chose Priscilla Dedesert. His worked, mine didn’t. Feh.
Or rip off _Swingers_ and have your first name be Sue, and when they ask about it, tell them your father was a Johnny Cash fan.
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A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
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### Author:  [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/9 "2000-04-11T12:48:00Z")
Or how about pop-culture names? In high school, my friend and I attempted to get our student IDs to have different names printed on them. (my idea.) We scratched out our names on the card, and put the fake names over them. He chose Ben Kanobi, I chose Priscilla Dedesert. His worked, mine didn’t. Feh.
Or rip off _Swingers_ and have your first name be Sue, and when they ask about it, tell them your father was a Johnny Cash fan.
* * *
A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/10 "2000-04-11T12:52:00Z")
I’ve always been fond of _Heywood Jablome_.
On a related note, you know how restaurants always ask for a name? I make one up, much to the amusement of my co-workers. Nothing “funny”; just “Otto”, “Fritz”, “Mario”, “Max”… Whatever comes to me.
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“I must leave this planet, if only for an hour.” – Antoine de St. Exupéry
Are you a turtle?
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### Author:  [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/11 "2000-04-11T12:56:00Z")
How 'bout Don Task
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### Author:  [@Zico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zico)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/12 "2000-04-11T13:34:00Z")
How about something that just sounds obscene ? When I had a job at an unemployment office, I had claimants called Mr Plonker [English slang for penis], Mr Nob [ditto] and Mr Wanka - none of them could figure out why they weren’t being offered jobs. Not even by MacDonalds.
I would suggest the name of a top film star though of the (ahem) adult variety. For sir, Ron Jeremy or John Holmes, for madam, something along the lines of Wendy Whoppers !
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[http://porkypies.tripod.com](http://porkypies.tripod.com) and [http://kickthebucket.tripod.com](http://kickthebucket.tripod.com) - taste free zones for your delight
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### Author:  [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/13 "2000-04-11T15:02:00Z")
How 'bout Sue Permarket?
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### Author:  [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/14 "2000-04-11T15:13:00Z")
ROFLMAO!!!
I have nothing to top these gems!
Thanks, ya’ll! I really needed a good belly laugh! 😃😃😃😃😃😃
ralphredan, you won’t go wrong with any of these, especially Shagrath’s, Lexi’s, and Green Bean’s.
\
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You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.
Og Mandino
That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.\
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### Author:  [@ralphredan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralphredan)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/15 "2000-04-11T15:28:00Z")
Biggirl-
Com’on down - We have a winner!!
Don Task is EXACTLY the message I want to send.
Everyone else -
Thanks for all the others - it’s an honor just to be nominated.
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### Author:  [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/16 "2000-04-11T16:25:00Z")
Oh, and I was going to suggest:
Bob Dole
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I ask not what you can do for me, but what you can do for me right now.
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### Author:  [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/17 "2000-04-11T16:34:00Z")
OK, I’m too late, put I would suggest “Mr. Safeway”.
Then you will get lots of respect, and might be able to convince gullible employees that you are a great-nephew of the owner/founder.
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### Author:  [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/18 "2000-04-11T16:45:00Z")
Ah, shoot. Am I too late? I was gonna say " Amanda Huggenkiss " I have never met one. Why can’t I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
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Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.
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### Author:  [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)
#### Post date: [April 11, 2000, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/19 "2000-04-11T16:54:00Z")
For whatever it’s worth, I consider myself to be of average intelligence, and it took me a while to get Don Task. I doubt your average supermarket greeter would. But if it amuses you…
I like Connor’s suggestion. Then you could make ED jokes which are ALWAYS funny.
* * *
A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
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### Author:  [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)
#### Post date: [April 12, 2000, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-funny-name-to-use-on-my-supermarket-discount-card/15853/20 "2000-04-12T05:34:00Z")
Since JohnLarrigan didn’t use my suggestion for his new screen name, I’m gonna keep suggesting this until somebody uses it:
**Patty O’furniture**
(What’s Irish & stays out all night long?)
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