# I Need A Lot Of Help From Dopers! The More Quickly and Less Costly The Better! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 24, 2012, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188 "2012-07-24T00:32:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/1 "2012-07-24T00:32:06Z")
Hello, I was doing Something Foolish and ran into serious trouble as a result. Modifying the foolish behavior is Too Hard. Can someone else please think for me and invent a way for me to keep doing foolish things without consequences? Also can it be inexpensive and not time consuming, I’ve got better things to do with my time and money than to obey basic common sense. Sarcastic responses will not be tolerated. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![voltaire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voltaire/32/313_2.png) [@voltaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voltaire)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/2 "2012-07-24T00:50:33Z")
Is this a parody of something specific? If so, it belongs in the Pit, and a link would of been nice. ---
**Author:** ![D-bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@D-bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D-bear)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/3 "2012-07-24T01:23:02Z")
I’m a Gay man, but I’ve found that if you have a woman involved in you day-to-day life, you screw up waaaaaaay less. I loves me some men, but I’ve found a good woman to be an incredible asset. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/4 "2012-07-24T01:35:48Z")
> [@voltaire](#): > > Is this a parody of something specific? If so, it belongs in the Pit, and a link would of been nice. Yes, link please. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/5 "2012-07-24T02:59:24Z")
What about just practicing denial. “Weren’t me!” Would that work? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/6 "2012-07-24T03:02:27Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Hello, I was doing Something Foolish and ran into serious trouble as a result. Modifying the foolish behavior is Too Hard. Can someone else please think for me and invent a way for me to keep doing foolish things without consequences? > > Also can it be inexpensive and not time consuming, I’ve got better things to do with my time and money than to obey basic common sense. > > Sarcastic responses will not be tolerated. > > Thanks! Stay drunk on cheap booze. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/7 "2012-07-24T03:04:31Z")
You could do as George Carlin once suggested: go into a room full of feminists and say, “Which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come back to my place, fix me a nice meal, and give me a blow job?” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/8 "2012-07-24T03:08:16Z")
> [@voltaire](#): > > Is this a parody of something specific? If so, it belongs in the Pit, and a link would of been nice. I don’t think it’s a parody of just one specific thread. More like a category of threads. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/9 "2012-07-24T03:14:29Z")
I’ll only help if you promise to immediately dismiss any ideas I give you. ---
**Author:** ![akennett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee59a6/32.png) [@akennett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akennett)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/10 "2012-07-24T03:17:34Z")
Jump off a bridge! It’s cheap, it’s fast, and if you do it right now, you’ll never have to worry about consequences again!! ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/11 "2012-07-24T03:31:51Z")
Claim you have tha assburgers. Lets you get away with a whole ton of shit! I can’t help pasting up color photos of my dick sir I haz assburgers! ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/12 "2012-07-24T12:30:26Z")
You need to call a lawyer on your way to the ER!! Right now!! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/13 "2012-07-24T12:32:58Z")
Dump him or her. He’s no good for you. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/14 "2012-07-24T12:45:18Z")
I’ve been through this. You should do what I did. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/15 "2012-07-24T13:12:00Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Hello, I was doing Something Foolish and ran into serious trouble as a result. Modifying the foolish behavior is Too Hard. Can someone else please think for me and invent a way for me to keep doing foolish things without consequences? > > Also can it be inexpensive and not time consuming, I’ve got better things to do with my time and money than to obey basic common sense. > > Sarcastic responses will not be tolerated. > > Thanks! 1. Surround yourself with people with memories longer than recorded time and the empathy of gnats. 2. Swat at the gnats in a way not dissimilar to a person having a seizure in the middle of Performance Art. Note: Do Not Hurt the Gnats! They are booked at a Carcass Convention in Vegas next month and all of them are needed. 1. You may ask Blue for help seeking a Clue, but only after…[Mail Time!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1wUirNlR0U) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/16 "2012-07-24T13:18:53Z")
Call the police, lawyer up, fire the employee, document everything, ask the mods if you can start a thread to request monetary help, buy a new car, move to a better neighborhood, write a letter to HR, call a pro to fix it (electricity will KILL you), don’t do anything illegal, find a therapist, run Malwarebytes/AdAware/AVG, he’s an addict, just start eating less, spend less money, get off your lazy ass and stop procrastinating, call a doctor. Does that about cover it? ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/17 "2012-07-24T13:25:43Z")
Take it down to the quarry and throw it in. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/18 "2012-07-24T13:31:22Z")
It’s basic common sense to just imagine yourself as a unique invention, designed to keep doing foolish things without consequences. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/19 "2012-07-24T13:41:09Z")
This isn’t a Homework Problem, is it? We can’t help with those. It’d be unethical. ---
**Author:** ![Ichbin\_Dubist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/51bf81/32.png) [@Ichbin\_Dubist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ichbin_Dubist)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/20 "2012-07-24T13:52:43Z")
It would be much easier to insult you for this if you let us know what your politics are first. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188.md?page=2)