# I Need A Lot Of Help From Dopers! The More Quickly and Less Costly The Better! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 24, 2012, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188 "2012-07-24T00:32:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/21 "2012-07-24T13:56:15Z")
IANYD. Wait. IANAD at all. n/m. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/22 "2012-07-24T13:58:51Z")
Just remember to dismiss any solutions that aren’t exactly what you want without so much as a “thanks for trying.” ---
**Author:** ![Engineer\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9fc29f/32.png) [@Engineer\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engineer_Dude)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/23 "2012-07-24T14:02:27Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Can someone else please think for me and invent a way for me to keep doing foolish things without consequences? Get a job for the Federal Government. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/24 "2012-07-24T14:05:16Z")
No, **twickster** - dismiss any solutions that aren’t exactly what you want with a “Thanks for playing!” and a rolley eye because emoticons with expressive eyes are friendly. And the green is particularly calming. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/25 "2012-07-24T14:06:35Z")
Move into you mom’s basement and let her deal with everything. Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/26 "2012-07-24T14:09:38Z")
Yes. Do it with a glove. And claim it’s not yours. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/27 "2012-07-24T14:28:07Z")
You obviously need moral support. Go to the closest bar and pick up a chic/dude and move them in with you so they’re always there to help you. Don’t worry if they need to borrow money, they’ll pay it back. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/28 "2012-07-24T14:32:01Z")
ok, its after Mail Time, so here’s your clue: **You Need to Guess Better**. I’m 100% serious. You need to guess like Harrison Ford in a room full of cups & be right the first time, every time. You need to guess with the prescience of a Deity. Now I have two methods to suggest; first is the Socratic Method. Please welcome Socrates! [Socrates] Guess whats in my left hand behind my back. Wrong. [/Socrates] _Face Slap_ [Socrates]Guess again. Wrong! [/Socrates] _Full wind up face punch_ [Socrates] Whats the matter with you? Why aren’t your learning? Aristotle was a better guesser than you! Always with the whining. “I don’t know what it is!” “I can’t see because my eye is swelled shut!” “I’m bleeding all over my toga!” Do you think your face is doing wonders for my hand? You’re Hopeless! [/Socrates] For the second method is improving your guessing skills, I’m going to blindfold you and tell you to find which jar has your car keys. Is it this jar? _rattle_ No, I’m sorry…those are carpet tacks and razor blades… try again? Because you really want them… No, those were 50lb rat snap traps. Awww…don’t give up…don’t you want your car keys? I’ll give you a hint; there is absolutely nothing metal in the jar on the end to your right. _hisss__strike_ But hey pit vipers aren’t metal. That one was from the Central Park Zoo. (was there with her kid on a Field Trip. Boy, does she look pissed…!) Sorry that you’re dying in slow agony from poison, but hey… if you had Only Guessed Better… ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/29 "2012-07-24T15:58:26Z")
…didn’t you read the OP **Count Blucher**? Socratic responses will not be tolerated. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/30 "2012-07-24T16:18:26Z")
Looks like I’m too late w/ my suggestion to cover yourself in bees. Shit, why am I always too late w/ that one?? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/31 "2012-07-24T16:26:35Z")
> [@Ichbin\_Dubist](#): > > It would be much easier to insult you for this if you let us know what your politics are first. You’re doing to wrong. It’s much easier to find a political subtext of an OP based on your own political bias. No need to bother with what the OP was actually thinking when they wrote it, we’ll just put thoughts in their heads. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/32 "2012-07-24T16:36:15Z")
[This](http://www.cyclelicio.us/2011/simple-bicycle-repair-guide/flowchart/) ought to cover it. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/33 "2012-07-26T05:08:44Z")
> [@Ca3799](#): > > What about just practicing denial. “Weren’t me!” > > Would that work? It’s definitely a start. It’ll delay the inevitable hopefully long enough for me to find a real answer to my problem. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Stay drunk on cheap booze. Done. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I’ll only help if you promise to immediately dismiss any ideas I give you. Psh. You probably weren’t going to be giving me adequate solutions anyway. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > Dump him or her. He’s no good for you. But I love him or her and I know he or she does too, but sometimes he or she just gets so angry. > [@TriPolar](#): > > I’ve been through this. You should do what I did. _Now_ we’re gettin’ somewhere! > [@Joey\_P](#): > > Call the police, lawyer up, fire the employee, document everything, ask the mods if you can start a thread to request monetary help, buy a new car, move to a better neighborhood, write a letter to HR, call a pro to fix it (electricity will KILL you), don’t do anything illegal, find a therapist, run Malwarebytes/AdAware/AVG, he’s an addict, just start eating less, spend less money, get off your lazy ass and stop procrastinating, call a doctor. > > Does that about cover it? No that doesn’t cover it because as I specifically stated in my OP, the solution needs to be easy and quick. Your solution was so complicated I stopped reading a quarter of the way through. > [@twickster](#): > > Just remember to dismiss any solutions that aren’t exactly what you want without so much as a “thanks for trying.” I will remember to do that whenever someone smart enough comes along with the aforementioned quick and easy solution. > [@Ethilrist](#): > > [This](http://www.cyclelicio.us/2011/simple-bicycle-repair-guide/flowchart/) ought to cover it. I SAID NO SARCASTIC RESPONSES! ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/34 "2012-07-26T08:33:45Z")
Never confuse movement with action. (Hemingway) ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/35 "2012-07-26T14:29:00Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > I SAID NO SARCASTIC RESPONSES! Fine. You need a friend. You need someone independent and distanced enough from the issues & questions to be objective; someone who can give you honest common-sense advice from a second pair of eyes, sans emotion. Someone you can and do Trust. I didn’t write that for sarcasm; if you are reading it that way, that’s you not me. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/36 "2012-07-26T15:31:16Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Call the police, lawyer up, fire the employee, document everything, ask the mods if you can start a thread to request monetary help, buy a new car, move to a better neighborhood, write a letter to HR, call a pro to fix it (electricity will KILL you), don’t do anything illegal, find a therapist, run Malwarebytes/AdAware/AVG, he’s an addict, just start eating less, spend less money, get off your lazy ass and stop procrastinating, call a doctor. > > Does that about cover it? Except for the underwear that’s not supposed to be there. ---
**Author:** ![Fearless\_Leader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Fearless\_Leader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fearless_Leader)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/37 "2012-07-26T22:13:01Z")
Start a religion based on doing Foolish Things. The second anyone else in the world does one single Foolish Thing, you are an exalted leader and an inspiration to your followers. ---
**Author:** ![Crab\_Rangoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Crab\_Rangoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crab_Rangoon)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/38 "2012-07-26T22:21:42Z")
Just listen to your heart. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/39 "2012-07-31T06:36:56Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I’ve been through this. You should do what I did. I’ve not been through this, but I can imagine what it was like, and of course that means I know more than you do. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188/40 "2012-07-31T07:40:10Z")
> [@Fearless\_Leader](#): > > Start a religion based on doing Foolish Things. The second anyone else in the world does one single Foolish Thing, you are an exalted leader and an inspiration to your followers. I would be **Covered\_In\_Bees!'s** first follower. It sounds like my kind of religion. The Church of Foolish Things. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-lot-of-help-from-dopers-the-more-quickly-and-less-costly-the-better/629188.md?page=3)