# I need a mans point of view about casual sex **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 15, 2015, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037 "2015-03-15T10:31:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/21 "2015-03-15T20:01:36Z")
Prostitutes don’t kiss (generally). I am in no way calling **Bay Area Bae** a prostitute. Instead I am suggesting the man in question may be using his experience with prostitutes as a reference point. The man might feel that things like kissing, foreplay, and cuddling, are for someone he is in a relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/22 "2015-03-15T20:43:17Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > The man might feel that things like kissing, foreplay, and cuddling, are for someone he is in a relationship with. So: Ejaculating inside her vagina: no big deal; happens every day. A kiss: Jesus, woman! I am not ready for that level of commitment yet!!! ---
**Author:** ![polar\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ec9cab/32.png) [@polar\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/polar_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/23 "2015-03-15T20:49:32Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Prostitutes don’t kiss (generally). > > I am in no way calling **Bay Area Bae** a prostitute. Instead I am suggesting the man in question may be using his experience with prostitutes as a reference point. > > The man might feel that things like kissing, foreplay, and cuddling, are for someone he is in a relationship with. For like the 10th time her on the dope: that is categorically not true. I wasn’t going to comment in this thread, because my experiences are way, way different from what is asked… but still. In the scene where “love” is for sale, many “clients” and “professionals” will act lovey dovey as an act. It is part of the whole game and before and after sex, there is plenty of cuddling, kissing or even holding hands. It is of course an act, but not every man will want to leave his bubble and might convince himself it is actually for real (to make things really complicated, on very rare occasions it turns out to be real as well). Just like in the example given in the OP, one of the two parties (most likely the girl) of this business transaction will be uncomfortable\* if they think their client is actually meaning all the sweet nothings that are being said. The thing to do is to be very clear that you get what the deal is, but playing around is fun (I typically add that I’m not stupid… which is all I need to say). After that I can play love birds with a girl all we want and laugh at the other girls that are wondering what’s happening. To summarize: just make a joke about it almost seeming like falling in love and then just say, “phew luckily we’re just playing!”. Or be more serious and say you like all the sweet stuff, but that she shouldn’t read anything into it (“just checking we’re on the same page!”). \*not all girls, some might see the chance of landing a big Fish… where would Eastern Europe be without Western Union. From what I hear this is also very different in South East Asia; in the Phillipines you apparently only stand a chance if you claim to be looking for a girlfriend, even with working girls. I guess they want to land a “rich foreigner”. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/24 "2015-03-15T20:53:20Z")
Perhaps he’s just not that into kissing. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with it being casual sex. ---
**Author:** ![Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bay_Area_Bae)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/25 "2015-03-15T20:54:57Z")
He is not attentive in other areas, not enough to really make up for no kissing. ---
**Author:** ![polar\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ec9cab/32.png) [@polar\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/polar_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/26 "2015-03-15T21:05:40Z")
Damn… apologies, my post doesn’t make much sense… I thought I was in Shakes’ thread about being too cuddly with a FWB. Ahem, here I’m not too sure what I would do. Strangely enough the “don’t care about kissing” thing seems to be somewhat culturally determined. From speaking with many guys about what they want from sex, it’s mostly men from North America, England and… well North Africa/Turkey that don’t like or need kissing. Unlike the Belgians, Germans, French, Dutch, Italians, Scandinavians, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bay_Area_Bae)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/27 "2015-03-15T21:13:05Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > (just realized there were duplicate threads. I posted in the other and copied it here when I realized.) Sorry about the duplicate post! > [@DataX](#): > > Some women I’ve been with aren’t big on kissing in casual sex, but it’s definitely not the norm. > > I certainly like to kiss - even with casual sex. > > Of course it might depend on the vibe or whatever, but you might want to say something like “hey I kinda need a little warming up - I promise I won’t ask you to marry me if you put your tongue in my mouth” > > If he doesn’t get the hint - you know you are a woman (and apparently get attention)? There is an almost infinite supply of men that will kiss you, make you cum, and treat you decently. > > Is he orally attentive in other areas? Any chance he might be concerned about dental problem HE might have? I’ve been with a woman before who had a missing tooth (not visible) or something and was embarassed about it. No, I don’t thinkk he is worried about any issues he has. He’s very confident, which I think is part of the issue. I don’t think he’s ever been with a woman who spoke up about what she wants or what feels good. Did I forget to mention there’s a 10 year age difference? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bay_Area_Bae)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/28 "2015-03-15T21:20:25Z")
Very good point! Yes, he comes to my home and I think we both just are wanting just the physical aspect of it and know that there’s no one thinking, now that we have had sex, your my boyfriend/ girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/29 "2015-03-15T21:24:00Z")
I’m a non-committal type, and a woman. No kissing would be a non-starter for me. That’s how getting into my bed _starts_, end of line. It’s the first gauge of a man’s health, interest in me, experience, and attention level to me - what he does with his hands and how well he kisses are all good indicators of whether he’s going to be attentive if it goes further. If I’ve met someone in a bar, you bet kissing will take place before we leave the bar together. I try to avoid the co-worker thing, that can get awkward - the only exception I’ve made was when the co-worker was a seasonal temp, and whoo, he was worth the exception! Even with that, you bet there was a make-out session after an after-work drink outing before it went further. I just can’t imagine letting a man take my clothes off without the makeout thing happening first. To me, that’s really weird. I can only think of one dude who was totally sad in the sack, and he was not so great on the kissing front either. I was considering him possible boyfriend material (was fun to hang with socially) so I tried looking past that figuring with some instruction he could improve and it may become a non-issue. Nope. Couldn’t follow instruction, either. What a dud. Slept with him twice and broke it off. ---
**Author:** ![Cayuga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Cayuga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cayuga)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/30 "2015-03-15T22:15:23Z")
I’m male, I’ve had NSA relationships — one-night and long-term — and can’t imagine having sex without kissing. OK, I can imagine it, but I’d prefer not to experience it. If this guy answered your request for kissing with a peck, and if he’s inattentive in other areas as well, I’m thinking he just might not be good in bed. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/31 "2015-03-15T22:34:51Z")
> [@Bay\_Area\_Bae](#): > > He is not attentive in other areas, not enough to really make up for no kissing. Then I think it’s as **stringbean** says: he’s a shitty lay. He also sounds like an arrogant asshole. A willing, not-unattractive woman like you can do MUCH better. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/32 "2015-03-15T23:04:26Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Then I think it’s as **stringbean** says: he’s a shitty lay. He also sounds like an arrogant asshole. A willing, not-unattractive woman like you can do MUCH better. Agreed! Life is too short for bad, no-kissing, inattentive sex! ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/33 "2015-03-15T23:40:16Z")
> [@polar\_bear](#): > > Damn… apologies, my post doesn’t make much sense… I thought I was in Shakes’ thread about being too cuddly with a FWB. Your post especially doesn’t make sense if you’re referring to my link thread. At no point does anyone make mention of prostitutes and intimacy. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/34 "2015-03-16T00:13:04Z")
In out and done and no effort to please you and no commitment? Sounds to me like he’s found a way to get himself off without having to pay a prostitute. But I’m a woman, and you didn’t ask for my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/35 "2015-03-16T00:24:28Z")
I have always kissed a woman if I’m being intimate with her, regardless of our relationship status. It would feel weird and distant if I didn’t. Did you try to kiss him? Did you ask him to kiss you? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/36 "2015-03-16T00:25:52Z")
I have always kissed a woman if I’m being intimate with her, regardless of our relationship status. It would feel weird and distant if I didn’t and I’d expect I would feel the same way about an encounter with a prostitute. Did you try to kiss him? Did you ask him to kiss you? > [@brainstall](#): > > In out and done and no effort to please you and no commitment? Sounds to me like he’s found a way to get himself off without having to pay a prostitute. > > But I’m a woman, and you didn’t ask for my opinion. Uhh … well that’s not a very sex-positive attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/37 "2015-03-16T00:59:49Z")
> [@brainstall](#): > > In out and done and no effort to please you and no commitment? Sounds to me like he’s found a way to get himself off without having to pay a prostitute. > > But I’m a woman, and you didn’t ask for my opinion. Slut shaming is even more sad when it comes from your own fucking gender. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/38 "2015-03-16T01:36:30Z")
> [@brainstall](#): > > In out and done and no effort to please you and no commitment? Sounds to me like he’s found a way to get himself off without having to pay a prostitute. > > But I’m a woman, and you didn’t ask for my opinion. So has she. What’s your point? ---
**Author:** ![Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@Bay\_Area\_Bae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bay_Area_Bae)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/39 "2015-03-16T09:14:47Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > This is silly. NSA doesn’t mean you can have a total disregard for your partner’s needs. It’s a quid pro quo : The guy gets her off she gets him off. And if a little foreplay in necessary to facilitate that, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that from your partner. > > That’s the reasonable expectation. If you have some sort of hang up about foreplay, then I think it becomes incumbent on you to say something. Because you’re the one that’s outside of the norm. Well put Shakes! Couldn’t have worded it better! Yes, it’s totaly on me to voice my feelings on the subject. Look forward to reading the thread you posted. ---
**Author:** ![Steken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Steken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steken)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2015, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037/40 "2015-03-16T09:32:17Z")
Agreeing with those who say that if he’s simply a bad lay - kissing or no kissing - you should up and find yourself another bedfellow. Having said that, some of us fellas need - hell, some of us fellas _want_ - a little guidance. So if you think there’s at least a chance that he might be amenable to that sort of thing, you could try subtly prodding him, or not-so-subtly instructing him and ordering him around a little bit. If it works, yay, good for you, enjoy the ride! If not, and the sex remains subpar, then walk away and don’t look back. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-mans-point-of-view-about-casual-sex/715037.md?page=3)