# I need a new excuse...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [September 3, 2016, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937 "2016-09-03T21:21:03Z")
**Posts on this page:** 16
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)
#### Post date: [September 8, 2016, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/41 "2016-09-08T18:55:35Z")
> [@edwards\_beard](#):
>
> Wow…that dedication to an excuse.
And yet, I know from personal experience that even a medical condition wouldn’t be an ironclad excuse.
“A stroke. Those, like, only happen on one side, right? Ok, so you can carry one cinderblock at a time with your good hand. See? So, when can I expect you out? Those blocks ain’t movin’ themselves!”
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### Author:  [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)
#### Post date: [September 8, 2016, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/42 "2016-09-08T19:31:58Z")
I have to blow dry my gerbil. I said that to a boyfriend once and he, quick lad that he is , said “who are you, Richard Gere?”
Seriously though, as others have said, there is no need to say anything but a polite “sorry, I can’t make it”.
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### Author:  [@santiago42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/santiago42)
#### Post date: [September 9, 2016, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/43 "2016-09-09T18:30:47Z")
Sorry, but 7 out of the 11 voices in my head said we should stay home and clean our guns. Democracy in action. You don’t hate freedom, DO YOU???
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### Author:  [@Daylate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daylate)
#### Post date: [September 9, 2016, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/44 "2016-09-09T18:59:30Z")
Was following a sort of elderly pickup truck last week, and got close enough to read a sticker on the rear of the bed. It was a preemptive strike, so to speak.
“YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK.
NO, I WON’T HELP YOU MOVE”
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### Author:  [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)
#### Post date: [September 9, 2016, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/45 "2016-09-09T20:30:44Z")
> [@Daylate](#):
>
> Was following a sort of elderly pickup truck last week, and got close enough to read a sticker on the rear of the bed. It was a preemptive strike, so to speak.
>
> “YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK.
> NO, I WON’T HELP YOU MOVE”
This is in the same vein as my “No, I will not fix your computer” [coffee mug](http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/1643/).
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### Author:  [@Daylate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daylate)
#### Post date: [September 9, 2016, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/46 "2016-09-09T21:56:41Z")
> [@](#):
>
> This is in the same vein as my “No, I will not fix your computer” coffee mug.
Darn - was going to get one of those but they’re “out of stock”!
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### Author:  [@Cardigan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardigan)
#### Post date: [September 9, 2016, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/47 "2016-09-09T22:05:06Z")
Help move cinderblocks? Sure I’d love to. Lemme check with my Parole Officer and see if it’s okay to drive three states away…
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### Author:  [@Haldurson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haldurson)
#### Post date: [September 10, 2016, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/48 "2016-09-10T03:48:19Z")
“I’ve got the 24 hour Ebola” (Firesign Theater)
“I’m spending the next week dead for tax purposes” (Douglas Adams)
“I’ll definitely help after you get rid of this body for me. By the way, what do you recommend for getting bloodstains out of the carpeting?”
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### Author:  [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)
#### Post date: [September 10, 2016, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/49 "2016-09-10T19:06:52Z")
There’s always astrology. “Sorry, Mercury is in retrograde for the next two weeks.”
(I had a client use that exact excuse for why they wouldn’t have their income tax documents ready until March.)
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### Author:  [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2016, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/50 "2016-09-12T20:05:17Z")
> [@Daylate](#):
>
> Darn - was going to get one of those but they’re “out of stock”!
SURE they are. :rolleyes: Geez, ThinkGeek, if you don’t want to send out a mug, just say so.
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#):
>
> I have to blow dry my gerbil.
I haven’t heard it called that before.
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### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/51 "2016-09-12T20:50:41Z")
“I decided it would be far more pleasurable to kill myself that day.”
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### Author:  [@SageGrouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SageGrouse)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2016, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/52 "2016-09-12T23:16:47Z")
Here’s a partial list of excuses I’ve used in the past:
Dreadfully sorry, but the goldfish just flushed Johnny down the toilet.
Sorry, but I have to go, the cat’s on fire again.
Er… do I know you? … Sorry, but I keep confusing my friends and my symptoms.
No, that’s when the orbits of Earth and Tau Ceti are synchronous and I have to wait for instructions.
Sorry, I have to watch the children. Leave them for an instant and they’ll fry to a crisp. By the way… could I borrow your meat thermometer?
I have an orgy scheduled for that day and I haven’t rented the chicken costume yet.
Sure thing! I’d love… hold on… Johnny, put that down, Sweetheart. Once you pull the pin, Mister Hand Grenade is no longer your friend!
Can’t make it. I’m having my kneecaps rotated that day.
Oh, I would, that that’s the day of the Rocky and Bullwinkel marathon!
I would, but it’s a full moon, and I have to stay home to shave my little sister.
SageGrouse
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### Author:  [@slipster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slipster)
#### Post date: [September 14, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/53 "2016-09-14T00:14:40Z")
Way back in grade school some friends of mine made an excuse for why their classmate’s father couldn’t come to school to discuss a problem. He had just gotten a new job at a 24 hour gas station and he was going to be working all 24 hours.
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### Author:  [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2016, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/54 "2016-09-15T16:43:56Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#):
>
> And don’t forget, Jeff, if they’re doing it on Saturday, “Can’t; it’s Shabbes.”
Followed the next time by “I can’t do too much physical exercise, that’s during Ramadan…” [Other date excuses: Solstices, Ides of March, Zarathrusta’s birthday]
> [@Joey\_P](#):
>
> Something [like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU0o_cSvxS0)?
Maybe [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVCEEBlAjJw)?
[Hope amusement helps your recovery, Jeff, get well soon!]
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### Author:  [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2016, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/55 "2016-09-16T06:20:31Z")
“I have to return an overdue book to the library.”
“I promised my wife I’d clean the lint trap on the dryer.”
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### Author:  [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2016, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-new-excuse/764937/56 "2016-09-16T08:48:59Z")
> [@Spud](#):
>
> Three states away… very simple.
>
> My ankle bracelet won’t let me go that far from home.
THIS ^^
And with a rider…“I have to go to a scheduled meeting of the SOSG\*…if I miss one more, they’re going to revoke my parole.”
\*Sex-offenders Support Group.
😃
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