# I need a Simpsons quote for a b-day card. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 12, 2001, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851 "2001-08-12T00:23:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Piell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/34f0e0/32.png) [@Piell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Piell)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/1 "2001-08-12T00:23:51Z")
My friends birthday is tomorrow, and I’m going to give him some cash, but I want to make a card. We’re both Simpsons fanatics, so I thought I would put a good quote on the card, but it has to relate to giving money. The one I might use is: (on the front) Bart: And I’m gonna take up smoking and give that up! Homer: Good for you boy, giving up smoking is on of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Here’s 25 dollars. (Behind the money on the inside) Lisa: But he didn’t do anything! Homer: Didn’t he, Lisa? Didn’t he? Hey, wait, he didn’t! Give that back! Anyone have any better ideas? ---
**Author:** ![chief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@chief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chief)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/2 "2001-08-12T00:32:17Z")
“To alcohol, the cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems!” ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/3 "2001-08-12T00:52:35Z")
How about: “Oh fudge, that’s broken…fiddle-dee-dee that will require a tetanus shot.” Just draw a swear jar inside the card. (I like yours just as much.) ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/4 "2001-08-12T00:59:34Z")
This is a little long, but it’s from the Timmy in the well episode. Bart is at a Chuck E. Cheese type place and he’s at the animatronic robots: Bear: And how old are you today? Bart: I’m… Bear: That’s great! Would you like to hear a song? Bart: Hell no. Bear: Excellent! And a one, and a two…you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday boy or girl! (I think I got the quote wrong, if anyone wants to nitpick) But I like your idea better too. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/5 "2001-08-12T01:12:26Z")
Apu: Tonight I’m going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99! Works for a birthday! ---
**Author:** ![Opus1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/858c86/32.png) [@Opus1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Opus1)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/6 "2001-08-12T02:23:18Z")
If you get one of those audio cards where you can record your own message, the following would be great: Ramone 1: I’d just like to say this gig sucks! Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield. Ramone 1: One, two, three, four! [Abrasive guitar music begins] Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday, Burnsey, Happy Birthday to you! Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard. [The curtain falls] Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us! Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed. Smithers: Sir, those aren’t – Burns: Do as I say! If not, how about: Smithers: Sir, I’ve arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There’s a satellite hookup on that monitor if you’ll just turn your head slightly. Burns: Bah, no time. Next! If at has to be about giving money, how about putting a twenty in the card with the following quote: Homer: Oh, twenty dollars…I wanted a peanut! Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Homer: Explain how. Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services. Homer: Woo hoo! ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/7 "2001-08-12T02:31:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Piell \* > \*\*…but it has to relate to giving money. \*\* I can’t remember the exact quote…something Grampa said when Homer asked him, didn’t he think it was strange that he was getting a check every month?, and Grampa said something about how he figured it was because the Democrats were back in office. ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_MuD\_PhuD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/2bfe46/32.png) [@Elmer\_MuD\_PhuD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_MuD_PhuD)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/8 "2001-08-12T02:46:37Z")
Hows about Moe: Here you go Homer. Homer: Thanks Moe (slaps a $20 on the counter) Moe: Ah, Homer you know your money is no good here . . . Hey wait a minute! This is real money! ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/9 "2001-08-12T04:25:58Z")
In the bowling team episode, the really old janitor is asking Mr. Burns for something. Burns, who’s on some sort of medication, replies, “Why, it’s that kindly little leprechaun.” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/10 "2001-08-12T06:55:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ITR champion \* > \*\*In the bowling team episode, the really old janitor is asking Mr. Burns for something. Burns, who’s on some sort of medication, replies, “Why, it’s that kindly little leprechaun.” \*\* Why, Poppin’ Fresh! You gluttonous little doughboy, I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo. ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/11 "2001-08-12T12:10:48Z")
“I’d like to request 17 dollars for a pushbroom rebristling” “Why it’s that delightful TV leprechaun, I’ll get your Lucky Charms” “My brains” ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/12 "2001-08-12T13:21:19Z")
Smithers: It’s time to think about your birthday party. Mr. Burns: I won’t get what I want. Smithers: No one does. (Imagines Mr. Burns wearing nothing except a sash, jumping out of a cake and singing ala Marilyn Monroe. “Happy Birthday, Mister Smithers…” Smithers: Hmmmmm… ---
**Author:** ![NutWrench](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nutwrench/32/20193_2.png) [@NutWrench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NutWrench)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/13 "2001-08-12T14:13:59Z")
Homer: Boy, you don’t have to follow in _my_ footsteps. Bart: Don’t worry. I don’t even like to use the bathroom after you. Homer: Why you little . . . \ ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/14 "2001-08-12T16:23:02Z")
Homer: Don’t worry, Lisa. Beaten eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep…in a big blender. ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/15 "2001-08-12T20:30:38Z")
Comic book guy: But aquaman, you can’t marry a woman without gills! You’re from two differant worlds! (notices nuclear missile about to hit him) Oh God, I’ve wasted my life. _BOOM_!!! ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/16 "2001-08-13T02:16:24Z")
Maybe you could do something along the lines of an Abe Simpson rant: “In my day we didn’t have birthdays because we were at war with the Germans. And our nickles had bees on them, give me five bees for a quater we’d say.” Of course, if he or she is older than you, it might not work as well. Or you could sing the song Bart wrote for Lisa: [insert friend’s name] your teeth are big and green. [insert friend’s name] you smell like gasoline… ---
**Author:** ![Peta\_Tzunami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b487fb/32.png) [@Peta\_Tzunami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peta_Tzunami)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/17 "2001-08-13T12:27:04Z")
I don’t know the episode or exact quote (PLDennison could help you there), but the scene starts with Homer getting a sweapstakes envelope for $1,000,000 in the mail. _Scripting approximate_ Bank Employee: I’m sorry, Mr. Simpson, that check is non-negotiatable. Homer: How do you know? Bank Employee: Right here it says, ‘Non-negotiable,’ ‘Void-Void-Void,’ ‘Cash value one-tenth of a penny’… Then there’s the episode where Bart and Milhouse find $20 bucks on a parent-teacher conference day. Bart says something like, “Cool, we can go on a shopping spree.” And Milhouse responds, “My mom (the doctor?) says I’m not allowed sprees…” And now… **Bart Sells his Soul** Milhouse: Fine. If you’re so sure about that, why don’t you sell your soul to me? Bart: How much you got? Milhouse: Five bucks. Bart: Deal. There you go–one soul. Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you. Bart: Any time, chum…p. **Three Men and a Comic** Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money. Bart: Really? Homer: Naah. Comicbook Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that? Martin: It’s all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God’s sake! _Ah, I got nothing._ ---
**Author:** ![Peta\_Tzunami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b487fb/32.png) [@Peta\_Tzunami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peta_Tzunami)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-a-simpsons-quote-for-a-b-day-card/75851/18 "2001-08-13T12:35:40Z")
From **Who Shot Mr. Burns - Part 1** Skinner: Yes. Now, to redirect our conversation slightly, I had a few ideas on how to spend this oil money. Chalmers: Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship. [both burst out laughing] Skinner: Oh, mercy. Seriously though… Skinner: Before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions. Willy: I want a crystal bucket for my slopwater and a brand new filthy blanket. [“Approved”] Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. [“Approved”] Ralph: Chocolate microscopes. [“Approved”] Otto: You know those guitars, that are like, double guitars, you know? [“Approved”] Skinner: More rubber stamps. [“Approved”]