# I need advice about forgiving a friend. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 25, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522 "2010-06-25T20:00:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/41 "2010-06-25T23:17:56Z")
> [@justpassingthrough](#): > > He could easily have mistaken your “send me nude pictures” comment not as a continuation of a long-standing joke, but as you having changed your mind about a closer relationship. Imagine his embarassment to find out he misunderstood. Maybe I am simply unschooled in the etiquette of sending naked photos to people, but I’d read that as a request for something more tasteful. Classical nudity, not close-ups on Junior. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/42 "2010-06-25T23:29:11Z")
Well, my first thought on reading the OP was that Floaty was a guy b/c it just sounded like a guy name. So the whole “violated” thing sounded weird but then I figured maybe it was just a straight guy/homophobia thing. (Sorry, yes, I did miss the part where the OP mentioned considering dating him.) Then when I realized the OP was female, I guess the “violated” part made more sense but still felt a bit much. So I figured, was it the introduction of sexual tension? But then I realized that you said you were pretty much cybering and flirting, it doesn’t seem _so_ weird. Is the human wang such an inherently scary thing that seeing it would freak out most women? If the guy had said IMed you saying something sexual about oral sex or blow jobs or penises, would that under any situation have skeeved you? Also, is it that it was a guy–if it was a lesbian woman with a crush on you who sent you a vagina, would that be creepy? Is it just seeing someone’s genitals or is it that it’s a penis? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/43 "2010-06-25T23:47:41Z")
I understand why, on seeing the picture, you felt violated. You were expecting a certain kind of behavior from him and that was a sudden change into something sexual. Perhaps more than an apology, you’d like him to acknowledge how you felt and to firmly establish that boundary? I can be quite socially clueless myself but I’d never do this unless I was unambiguously asked to do so (even then, it’s not really classy). But this seems a very low threshold for betrayal or violation. There was ambiguity in your relationship and in what you meant by “send me cock pics”. Telling someone to do something when they don’t have the equipment to do it is not the same sa saying it when they do have the equipment to do it. Ambiguity in the relationship + ambiguous running joke that’s misunderstood + crass behavior on his part + overreaction on your part= threatened friendship. Maybe he’s been shy about contacting you because he’s convinced himself that he really did do more than a stupid, socially awkward thing and that you don’t want to speak to him. Your reply seems conducive to slowly improving the relationship. Perhaps you’ve already done this, but talking about how it made you feel in non-accusatory terms could help. Instead of saying “You betrayed and violated me by overstepping my boundary” you could say that this misunderstanding made you feel violated and that this is one of your boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/44 "2010-06-25T23:57:47Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > There was ambiguity in your relationship and in what you meant by “send me cock pics”. . I just wanted to clarify that I’ve never ever said “send me cock pics”. He and I both would say the same thing, upon getting a new camera or something “oh, now you can send naked pics!” I’ve even said a similar thing to my MOM and GRANDMA when they got webcams “oooohh now you can send naked pics!”. He knows it’s always been a joke, he just said “you asked for it” as a way of excusing himself. I don’t want the people who think I’m a horrible person, for feeling “a little violated” at a larger than life picture of my friends penis, to start saying I said “send cock pics!”. I felt “a little violated” because he knows everything about my (what I consider severe) childhood sexual abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/45 "2010-06-26T00:21:06Z")
I think I’d use Photoshop and add a Christmas wreath around the bottom of it and have a Christmas card made for him. This Christmas I’d send it out to him as if that is the Christmas card I’m using for all of my friends this year. _Merry Christmas 2010 from Sleeps. Sending all of you a little (and I do mean little) good cheer._ ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/46 "2010-06-26T00:29:28Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I think I’d use Photoshop and add a Christmas wreath around the bottom of it and have a Christmas card made for him. This Christmas I’d send it out to him as if that is the Christmas card I’m using for all of my friends this year. > > _Merry Christmas 2010 from Sleeps. Sending all of you a little (and I do mean little) good cheer._ Ha! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/47 "2010-06-26T00:35:21Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I think I’d use Photoshop and add a Christmas wreath around the bottom of it and have a Christmas card made for him. This Christmas I’d send it out to him as if that is the Christmas card I’m using for all of my friends this year. > > _Merry Christmas 2010 from Sleeps. Sending all of you a little (and I do mean little) good cheer._ Great creative idea. I wish my mind worked like that more often. Do you give lessons? ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/48 "2010-06-26T01:19:22Z")
> [@astro](#): > > In the post you linked at the front end of this OP you indicated you have both come to the cusp of cybersex in your online relationship and constantly tease each other with sexual innuendo, he finally follows though on your teasing on you have a full fledged freak out. Indeed. Here he’s a 40-year-old virgin living with his mother. **Floaty** ’s cyber relationship is the most intimacy he’s _ever_ had. This was probably a moment that he’d been working himself up toward for a long time, and the recently increased flirtation gave him the nerve to do it. Sure, it’s a crass way to escalate a relationship–but what does he know? He’s an absolute social outcast. **Floaty** is the only woman who seemed to really care. They talked of love and sex, and she _knew_ he had romantic feelings. They planned to meet in person. He thought there was a chance! Finally, he _does_ what they’ve been telling each other to do for years–her humorously, he hopefully. But she rejected him! The fragile tower of rising confidence (heh) has fallen. Hurt and defensive, he says that perhaps he won’t be in touch for a while. She responds snippily. Three months later, he sends her a birthday gift. He’s too shy and hurt to call her or anything, but… he still loves her! And here she is, wondering if _he_ still needs to apologize to _her_… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/49 "2010-06-26T01:26:10Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Hurt and defensive, he says that perhaps he won’t be in touch for a while. She responds snippily. but… he still loves her! Really? And what else did his email say? And you read mine as well I see? ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/50 "2010-06-26T02:04:27Z")
I got a reply to my email. He said he felt horrible after sending me the picture and had a momentary laps in judgment but didn’t know how to fix it so he just withdrew. He said he understands how I would be bothered by it and he even admitted to knowing that when we say “now you can send naked pics” it’s just a joke. So all’s well that ends well. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/51 "2010-06-26T03:03:26Z")
Ah, nice. All’s well that ends well! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/52 "2010-06-26T04:05:05Z")
You can learn a valuable life lesson about relationships between men and women from this, though - don’t open doors you don’t want to go through. You don’t talk about sex and nakedness and sexual stuff with a guy you have no sexual interest in - it’s better not to blur that line (because sooner or later they’ll send you a picture of their erect penis). Also, I understand that in online ads, guys post pictures of their Mr. Winkies all the time. It’s apparently a guy thing. 🙂 (As opposed to a guy’s thing, which I suppose it is, too.) ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/53 "2010-06-26T04:19:01Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You can learn a valuable life lesson about relationships between men and women from this, though - don’t open doors you don’t want to go through. You don’t talk about sex and nakedness and sexual stuff with a guy you have no sexual interest in - it’s better not to blur that line (because sooner or later they’ll send you a picture of their erect penis). > > Also, I understand that in online ads, guys post pictures of their Mr. Winkies all the time. It’s apparently a guy thing. 🙂 (As opposed to a guy’s thing, which I suppose it is, too.) I have to agree with you on that one. I wonder what I can say if he brings up something sexual? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/54 "2010-06-26T04:26:42Z")
It’s a habit you develop over time; you sort of downplay and ignore comments that are trying to take you somewhere you aren’t interested in going. Say for example he makes a sexual comment while you’re chatting online, you could just ignore it and respond by changing the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/55 "2010-06-26T04:33:38Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > I got a reply to my email. > > He said he felt horrible after sending me the picture and had a momentary laps in judgment but didn’t know how to fix it so he just withdrew. He said he understands how I would be bothered by it and he even admitted to knowing that when we say “now you can send naked pics” it’s just a joke. > > So all’s well that ends well. I’m glad I saw that before I sent my not-very-nice response to your bit about “you still owe me an apology”. The man has fuck-all to do with your past issues and it would be nice not to wield them as a weapon against anyone who crosses a line you bait them up to. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/56 "2010-06-26T04:33:47Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Really? And what else did his email say? And you read mine as well I see? I read what you said each of you said, of course. > [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > I was pretty angry about him sending it, then saying I asked for it and I let him know how I was feeling. He sent me an email saying he was going to be busy for a long time and if he got around to it, he’d talk to me again. I sent one back saying " that sounds like a “fuck off” to me. He didn’t reply, I didn’t write anything else and we haven’t spoken online or on the phone since March. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/57 "2010-06-26T04:45:12Z")
And does anyone else get the feeling that the matter has not at all “ended well” for the poor misled bastard of the story? Sounds to me like he’s pulled himself together enough to tell **Floaty** what he thinks she wants to hear, so that she’ll be his “friend” again. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/58 "2010-06-26T04:52:53Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > And does anyone else get the feeling that the matter has not at all “ended well” for the poor misled bastard of the story? Sounds to me like he’s pulled himself together enough to tell **Floaty** what he thinks she wants to hear, so that she’ll be his “friend” again. You seem to be almost taking this personally or applying some personal feelings toward it. I guess I’m confused how he’s a poor misled bastard. I fully admit that there might be a lot more to this story than I know about, so I’m wondering what makes you feel that way. This isn’t some teenager who could be tricked into doing what he doesn’t really want to do. He’s a middle aged man who, I assume, is going to be her friend or not because he chooses to. Has she promised him that she’ll be with him and that’s why you feel he’s mislead? ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/59 "2010-06-26T04:56:35Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > And does anyone else get the feeling that the matter has not at all “ended well” for the poor misled bastard of the story? Sounds to me like he’s pulled himself together enough to tell **Floaty** what he thinks she wants to hear, so that she’ll be his “friend” again. You’re just making things up to suit some sort of agenda you seem to have. There’s nothing I can do about that. Sorry you have issues. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/60 "2010-06-26T04:58:07Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > And does anyone else get the feeling that the matter has not at all “ended well” for the poor misled bastard of the story? Sounds to me like he’s pulled himself together enough to tell **Floaty** what he thinks she wants to hear, so that she’ll be his “friend” again. Exactly what I’m thinking. Problem is it doesn’t work that way. You take a risk when you cross that line, as you can never go back. Something changes about the relationship when this happens. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing. I’m not saying Floaty did anything wrong, because I honestly don’t know how it all came across. But I’m sure things are not just fine on his end. This is a classic save-face maneuver. If he knew for sure you were just joking, he wouldn’t have tried. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522.md?page=4)