# I need advice about forgiving a friend. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 25, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522 "2010-06-25T20:00:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/61 "2010-06-26T05:05:03Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > You’re just making things up to suit some sort of agenda you seem to have. There’s nothing I can do about that. Sorry you have issues. Wow. Another classic save-face maneuver. You find out that you may have possibly done something wrong, and you attack the person who says it. Maybe you guys are meant for one another. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/62 "2010-06-26T05:06:16Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I’m glad I saw that before I sent my not-very-nice response to your bit about “you still owe me an apology”. The man has fuck-all to do with your past issues and it would be nice not to wield them as a weapon against anyone who crosses a line you bait them up to. I “baited” him? Wtf? He’s not some retarded 10 year old boy. He’s said the same thing to me dozens of times, was he “baiting” me as well? Some people are obviously ok with their friends sending them unlabeled close-ups of their sexually aroused genitals, that’s fine, whatever suits you. I’m not one of those people. The only things I’ve ever said to him about the whole thing was that I felt hurt and wasn’t sure if I could get past it by just ignoring it. I never said a single nasty thing to him. Anyway, above all else, I am allowed to feel how I feel. My friend of 10 years understands, some people on a message board, who don’t know either of us, think differently. There’s nothing I can do about how others feel or what they think. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/63 "2010-06-26T05:07:44Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Wow. Another classic save-face maneuver. You find out that you may have possibly done something wrong, and you attack the person who says it. Maybe you guys are meant for one another. Like I said, there’s nothing I can do about what you think. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/64 "2010-06-26T07:46:42Z")
My thought is still “What’s the big fucking deal?” but I’m flabbergasted by **BigT** and **Spark**. You’ve got to be a social retard to not understand that something is a silly joke between friends. He was hoping **Floaty** would react positively to his come on and she didn’t. That’s that. Come the fuck on. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/65 "2010-06-26T11:58:55Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You can learn a valuable life lesson about relationships between men and women from this, though - don’t open doors you don’t want to go through. You don’t talk about sex and nakedness and sexual stuff with a guy you have no sexual interest in - it’s better not to blur that line (because sooner or later they’ll send you a picture of their erect penis). > > Also, I understand that in online ads, guys post pictures of their Mr. Winkies all the time. It’s apparently a guy thing. 🙂 (As opposed to a guy’s thing, which I suppose it is, too.) I would disagree with this, in life we have to try new things, but need discernment on the heart of the people we trust. In this case there was some pain but they were eventually able to come together, not forgetting the issue, but healing it. An important lesson I have learned from my experiences is I can express being hurt without blame the person the hurt came through. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/66 "2010-06-26T13:23:26Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > I have to agree with you on that one. I wonder what I can say if he brings up something sexual? I would chuckle, and, with a smile on my face, say “Oh, no! You see where that got us _last_ time!” If he pursues it, just tell him that it makes you really uncomfortable since the ‘snapshot incident’, so let’s just move on to other topics, shall we? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/67 "2010-06-26T15:02:32Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > My thought is still “What’s the big fucking deal?” but I’m flabbergasted by **BigT** and **Spark**. You’ve got to be a social retard to not understand that something is a silly joke between friends. It would have been hilarious if **Flotay’s** friend had gone and bought one of those novelty shop [costumes like this](http://cdn.costumesupercenter.com/csc_inc/images/items/343x432/49368L.jpg) (SFW) and _pretended_ to be naked or something. Or even posed with a construction paper fig leaf as a joke, but the extremely graphic nature of the photos shows incredibly poor judgment. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > He was hoping **Floaty** would react positively to his come on and she didn’t. That’s that. Come the fuck on. It sounds like he misinterpreted their in-joke, if he is indeed truly socially, horribly inept, and was probably utterly horrified and wished he was dead when the response was very bad. It really is the kind of thing where you want to say to the guy: “Seriously, what were you _thinking???_” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/68 "2010-06-26T15:59:22Z")
The thing about banter is, everyone enjoys it. When you talk it up, as in, on going teasing of, ‘send me naked pictures’, sooner or later, drunk or sober, somebody is getting naked pictures. Because people are people and men are sometimes boneheads and they drink often. If you want to banter like an edgy, sexy tart, you need to have a thicker skin. Sooner or later, if you keep pushing the joke, something will go awry, seems to me. It makes you come across a little high maintenance, sitting in the parlor, no doubt fanning yourself, awaiting an apology for his ungentlemanly conduct. He sent you a birthday gift because he missed you and felt badly, I’m sure. I am so glad you did not hold out for a ‘formal’ apology, and that your friendship came through intact! Congrats. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/69 "2010-06-26T16:48:14Z")
This is the last I will say on the topic. Again, I have never **EVER** said “send me naked picture” or “send cock pics”. We\*\* BOTH\*\* have said the same thing to **EACHOTHER** for **10 YEARS**. Do you know how often people get new gadgets like cameras, cell phones, video cameras, webcams? Between two people, very very often. We **BOTH** say it to each other. Again, it’s the same thing I say to my MOM and GRANDMA and I can assure you, I’m not “hinting” or “baiting” or “teasing” them for naked pictures. Ok so this didn’t happen: Me: “why I declare, I’d just love it if you would send me naked pictures of yourself, please send me cock pics, I’d love for you to send naked pictures.” Him: “hot-diggity-dog!!! It’s my lucky day!” _rub rub rub…click_ Me: “heaven help me, lord have mercy, rape!rape!rape! I feel a swoon coming on…” _passes out on couch_ Him: " I loooove you so much and you misled me into thinking you really wanted to see my manhood. I am a poor, misled bastard who has only ever loved you and you treat me so poorly even though I loooooove you so much. Forgive me! Forgive me my love!" Me: “Begone ville pervert!” Mwahahahahah! stupid little fool, I tricked him good! What did happen: Me: “oh I got a new camera for my birthday” Him: “oooohhhh now you can send naked pics!” Him: “I got an awesome new phone, I can download music and take pictures with it!” Me: “ooohhhhh now you can send naked pics!” Him at Christmas: “I got a new camera from my mom” Me: “ooooohhhh now you can send naked pics!” Him in March _rub rub rub…click!_ Me: :eek: “dude! what the fuck?” Him: “well, you asked for it” Me: “uh, no I didn’t” Him: “I’m not talking to you anymore” Me: “Whatever” Three months later I get gift. Post a message asking for some advice and get accused of all sorts of things. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/70 "2010-06-26T18:16:53Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > This is the last I will say on the topic. > > Again, I have never **EVER** said “send me naked picture” or “send cock pics”. We\*\* BOTH\*\* have said the same thing to **EACHOTHER** for **10 YEARS**. > > Do you know how often people get new gadgets like cameras, cell phones, video cameras, webcams? Between two people, very very often. We **BOTH** say it to each other. > > Again, it’s the same thing I say to my MOM and GRANDMA and I can assure you, I’m not “hinting” or “baiting” or “teasing” them for naked pictures. > > Ok so this didn’t happen: > > Me: “why I declare, I’d just love it if you would send me naked pictures of yourself, please send me cock pics, I’d love for you to send naked pictures.” > > Him: “hot-diggity-dog!!! It’s my lucky day!” _rub rub rub…click_ > > Me: “heaven help me, lord have mercy, rape!rape!rape! I feel a swoon coming on…” _passes out on couch_ > > Him: " I loooove you so much and you misled me into thinking you really wanted to see my manhood. I am a poor, misled bastard who has only ever loved you and you treat me so poorly even though I loooooove you so much. Forgive me! Forgive me my love!" > > Me: “Begone ville pervert!” Mwahahahahah! stupid little fool, I tricked him good! > What did happen: > > Me: “oh I got a new camera for my birthday” > > Him: “oooohhhh now you can send naked pics!” > > Him: “I got an awesome new phone, I can download music and take pictures with it!” > > Me: “ooohhhhh now you can send naked pics!” > > Him at Christmas: “I got a new camera from my mom” > > Me: “ooooohhhh now you can send naked pics!” > > Him in March _rub rub rub…click!_ > > Me: :eek: “dude! what the fuck?” > > Him: “well, you asked for it” > > Me: “uh, no I didn’t” > > Him: “I’m not talking to you anymore” > > Me: “Whatever” > > Three months later I get gift. Post a message asking for some advice and get accused of all sorts of things. Not quite. The reason several people, including myself, were frustrated with your (IMO) wildly exaggerated and overly dramatic sense of “violation” was that many people with a shred of common sense could have seen that dick picture coming down 5th Avenue based on your self described history of your interaction with him. Your overly cutesy description above of the way you interact with him only reinforces this. The fact that you keep maintaining that none of this was foreseeable, and that he should have known it was all a big, long term game that would never be “real”, and he broke the rules by taking it to the next level, and actually sending you a naked picture of himself makes you (to be frank) seem kind of willfully oblivious to the reality of male-female relationships where there is a known subtext of sexual or emotional attraction. Your friend is not a pet eunuch. He may have anxiety issues, and live with his mother, and be willing to chat you up for hours on end, but he is still a man. Did you ever stop and think that his willingness to indulge your appetite for endless texting and conversation is not because he enjoys lengthy chats with you (most men have limited toleration for this) but because he has a severe crush on you and that’s what he has to do to get your attention. It takes two to tango and you need to stop posting as a victim in this. He’s back in line now like a good little boy because he still carries a candle for you, and these are your rules of engagement, but you need to stop and think for moment if you are being fair to him given his social limitations. If his unrequited fantasy of you two being together is never, ever going to come true you need to be very blunt with him, and have him overtly acknowledge this. Otherwise you really are just playing him by letting him keep fooling himself, and that is cruel thing to do to desperate people with few options. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/71 "2010-06-26T18:45:48Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Me: “why I declare, I’d just love it if you would send me naked pictures of yourself, please send me cock pics, I’d love for you to send naked pictures.” > > Him: “hot-diggity-dog!!! It’s my lucky day!” _rub rub rub…click_ > > Me: “heaven help me, lord have mercy, rape!rape!rape! I feel a swoon coming on…” _passes out on couch_ > > Him: " I loooove you so much and you misled me into thinking you really wanted to see my manhood. I am a poor, misled bastard who has only ever loved you and you treat me so poorly even though I loooooove you so much. Forgive me! Forgive me my love!" > > Me: “Begone ville pervert!” Mwahahahahah! stupid little fool, I tricked him good! The truth comes out. I’m disappointed in you. ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/72 "2010-06-26T19:07:57Z")
> [@astro](#): > > If his unrequited fantasy of you two being together is never, ever going to come true you need to be _ **very blunt with him, and have him overtly acknowledge this.** _ \*\*\*and change your behavior with him. \*\*\* Otherwise he will not accept what you say. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/73 "2010-06-26T19:12:26Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Not quite. The reason several people, including myself, were frustrated with your (IMO) wildly exaggerated and overly dramatic sense of “violation” was that many people with a shred of common sense could have seen that dick picture coming down 5th Avenue based on your self described history of your interaction with him. Your overly cutesy description above of the way you interact with him only reinforces this. > > The fact that you keep maintaining that none of this was foreseeable, and that he should have known it was all a big, long term game that would never be “real”, and he broke the rules by taking it to the next level, and actually sending you a naked picture of himself makes you (to be frank) seem kind of willfully oblivious to the reality of male-female relationships where there is a known subtext of sexual or emotional attraction. > > Your friend is not a pet eunuch. He may have anxiety issues, and live with his mother, and be willing to chat you up for hours on end, but he is still a man. Did you ever stop and think that his willingness to indulge your appetite for endless texting and conversation is not because he enjoys lengthy chats with you (most men have limited toleration for this) but because he has a severe crush on you and that’s what he has to do to get your attention. > > It takes two to tango and you need to stop posting as a victim in this. He’s back in line now like a good little boy because he still carries a candle for you, and these are your rules of engagement, but you need to stop and think for moment if you are being fair to him given his social limitations. If his unrequited fantasy of you two being together is never, ever going to come true you need to be very blunt with him, and have him overtly acknowledge this. Otherwise you really are just playing him by letting him keep fooling himself, and that is cruel thing to do to desperate people with few options. Yikes, you really believe all of this? How is she responsible for his inability to tell her how he feels? I’ll say that she might have been a bit naive to think that it wouldn’t eventually come to this, but you (and a few others) seem to want to paint her as this manipulative cocktease who is leading this poor fella on. He is FORTY years old. If he isn’t able to say to her “Look, I like talking to you but this has got to be leading somewhere or we need to dial this back so I can find someone else” then how on earth is SHE responsible for this? Oh I know you didn’t say that she was responsible, but it’s clearly there in your rant. It’s the temptress harlot’s fault for “doing this” to the poor, miserable bastard. Even if I’m to believe that she is being WILLFULLY oblivious and because of his anxiety/depression he is completely unable to respect himself enough to not be walked on, how is HIS failure HER responsibility? Someone can only treat you like shit if you let them. If he truly is unable at this stage in his life then he needs counseling for a whole lot more than anxiety and living in squalor. Regardless, that is not her responsibility. As for the word violation, [it doesn’t always mean something sexual](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/violated). In this situation he sent a sexual-in-nature picture to her that she didn’t want, that’s true. Maybe I’m just reading my own views into this like so many of you seem to be, but I thought of violation in the trust way. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/74 "2010-06-26T19:36:57Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > You seem to be almost taking this personally or applying some personal feelings toward it. I guess I’m confused how he’s a poor misled bastard. I fully admit that there might be a lot more to this story than I know about, so I’m wondering what makes you feel that way. > > This isn’t some teenager who could be tricked into doing what he doesn’t really want to do. He’s a middle aged man who, I assume, is going to be her friend or not because he chooses to. Has she promised him that she’ll be with him and that’s why you feel he’s mislead? Seriously, y’all. This is a GROWN-ASS MAN. He can make his own decisions and be a damned adult. People got some issues up in this thread. Also, normal people realize that while penises can be fun, they are also dog-ass ugly and nobody particularly wants the Mr. Wizard-style macro photo. He’s lucky to get a learning experience of this in a relatively safe environment. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/75 "2010-06-26T19:46:54Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > He sent you a birthday gift because he missed you and felt badly, I’m sure. I am so glad you did not hold out for a ‘formal’ apology, and that your friendship came through intact! Congrats. Is there really a Hallmark card for all occasions? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/76 "2010-06-26T19:54:45Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Yikes, you really believe all of this? How is she responsible for his inability to tell her how he feels? > > I’ll say that she might have been a bit naive to think that it wouldn’t eventually come to this, but you (and a few others) seem to want to paint her as this manipulative cocktease who is leading this poor fella on. > > He is FORTY years old. If he isn’t able to say to her “Look, I like talking to you but this has got to be leading somewhere or we need to dial this back so I can find someone else” then how on earth is SHE responsible for this? Oh I know you didn’t say that she was responsible, but it’s clearly there in your rant. It’s the temptress harlot’s fault for “doing this” to the poor, miserable bastard. > > Even if I’m to believe that she is being WILLFULLY oblivious and because of his anxiety/depression he is completely unable to respect himself enough to not be walked on, how is HIS failure HER responsibility? Someone can only treat you like shit if you let them. If he truly is unable at this stage in his life then he needs counseling for a whole lot more than anxiety and living in squalor. Regardless, that is not her responsibility. > > As for the word violation, [it doesn’t always mean something sexual](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/violated). In this situation he sent a sexual-in-nature picture to her that she didn’t want, that’s true. Maybe I’m just reading my own views into this like so many of you seem to be, but I thought of violation in the trust way. Adults can play all the games they want, however, if one person is going to posture themselves as a “violated” party who has been done wrong when a mutual long term game of trading sexual innuendos and teases comes to a head, and one person steps over the line, the “OMG A penis! Why? How? I trusted you! Oh the humanity!” Kabuki dance is what’s annoying. They can play this game forever if they wish. However, in playing the game he is somewhat handicapped by his unilateral crush on her. I do think it is important that she lets him know in no uncertain terms he will never get to his desired goal line. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/77 "2010-06-26T20:00:25Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Adults can play all the games they want, however, if one person is going to posture themselves as a “violated” party who has been done wrong when a mutual long term game of trading sexual innuendos and teases comes to a head, and one person steps over the line, the “OMG A penis! Why? How? I trusted you! Oh the humanity!” Kabuki dance is what’s annoying. > > They can play this game forever if they wish. However, in playing the game he is somewhat handicapped by his unilateral crush on her. I do think it is important that she lets him know in no uncertain terms he will never get to his desired goal line. Handicapped by his unilateral crush on her? That’s ten times more hilarious than her using the word violated. Poor, poor middle aged man who doesn’t realize by now after TEN FREAKING YEARS that she’s just his friend. Why yes, I can see why you think he’s so put upon. The poor dear. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/78 "2010-06-26T20:13:17Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Handicapped by his unilateral crush on her? That’s ten times more hilarious than her using the word violated. > > Poor, poor middle aged man who doesn’t realize by now after TEN FREAKING YEARS that she’s just his friend. Why yes, I can see why you think he’s so put upon. The poor dear. Here’s her description of him. > [@](#): > > He has social anxiety which prevents him from getting and keeping jobs. He lives with his mom and helps home school his nephew. He has a car and doesn’t seem to be broke. His finances really aren’t any of my business so I’ve not asked any specific questions about them. > > I’ve seen pictures of the inside of the house and there is just stuff everywhere. They aren’t hoarders, but man, there’s lots of stuff. Per her description he does not sound (IMO) like a fully competent adult, but rather like someone who has significant psychological issues that have affected his quality of life and his ability to have normal relationships. Over time he has apparently developed a crush on her. I do think in this circumstance, with this individual, she does need to be brutally clear and direct with him about what the limits of that relationship are going to be. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/79 "2010-06-26T20:29:03Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Not quite. The reason several people, including myself, were frustrated with your (IMO) wildly exaggerated and overly dramatic sense of “violation” was that many people with a shred of common sense could have seen that dick picture coming down 5th Avenue based on your self described history of your interaction with him. Your overly cutesy description above of the way you interact with him only reinforces this. > > The fact that you keep maintaining that none of this was foreseeable, and that he should have known it was all a big, long term game that would never be “real”, and he broke the rules by taking it to the next level, and actually sending you a naked picture of himself makes you (to be frank) seem kind of willfully oblivious to the reality of male-female relationships where there is a known subtext of sexual or emotional attraction. > > Your friend is not a pet eunuch. He may have anxiety issues, and live with his mother, and be willing to chat you up for hours on end, but he is still a man. Did you ever stop and think that his willingness to indulge your appetite for endless texting and conversation is not because he enjoys lengthy chats with you (most men have limited toleration for this) but because he has a severe crush on you and that’s what he has to do to get your attention. > > It takes two to tango and you need to stop posting as a victim in this. He’s back in line now like a good little boy because he still carries a candle for you, and these are your rules of engagement, but you need to stop and think for moment if you are being fair to him given his social limitations. If his unrequited fantasy of you two being together is never, ever going to come true you need to be very blunt with him, and have him overtly acknowledge this. Otherwise you really are just playing him by letting him keep fooling himself, and that is cruel thing to do to desperate people with few options. I agree with this… > [@grayhairedmomma](#): > > \*\*\*and change your behavior with him. \*\*\* Otherwise he will not accept what you say. and this. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522/80 "2010-06-26T20:34:06Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Per her description he does not sound (IMO) like a fully competent adult, but rather like someone who has significant psychological issues that have affected his quality of life and his ability to have normal relationships. Over time he has apparently developed a crush on her. I do think in this circumstance, with this individual, she does need to be brutally clear and direct with him about what the limits of that relationship are going to be. You are handing the responsibility to her to deal with his feelings for him. There are a lot of people with social anxiety issues and many of them are not able to work because of them. That is unfortunate but it does not mean that he is not a fully competent adult in other ways. You are assuming that is so without any evidence at all. What’s worse is that with this assumption you have decided that she is the guilty party and that she somehow owes him because he seems to care for her in a way she does not care for him. I’m not sure where this owing starts or stops, but it seems to make a few men in this thread fairly angry. If he’s as broken as you’re alluding to then I’m not sure he should be in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone until he gets some help. I have male friends that I’ve known a long time. Over the years I’m sure there have been jokes which are sexual in nature although I can’t recall any off the top of my head. If any of them decided to send me a picture of their erect penis I’d be livid. This man knows now that she did not appreciate his photo. It should be crystal clear to him that his advances are unwelcome. If he is still willing to enter back into a friendship with her then it is _he_ who is responsible for his feelings, not her. She has already made it clear to him when she became so angry about the picture. She is not required to remind him over and over again that she doesn’t want to be with him romantically. If she did remind him over and over there would be an entirely different set of people in here condemning her for being cruel and arrogant. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-advice-about-forgiving-a-friend/544522.md?page=5)