# i need bf advice! hes mean n doesnt see it :-( **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 21, 2014, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992 "2014-10-21T06:00:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/21 "2014-10-21T22:23:17Z")
Did your boyfriend try to take your broccoli? ---
**Author:** ![babygoat666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/2acd7d/32.png) [@babygoat666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/babygoat666)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/22 "2014-10-22T05:26:07Z")
If this is real, kick him in the dick. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/23 "2014-10-22T06:51:15Z")
No, don’t do that. That would be illegal and counterproductive. OP deserves better, for all definitions of better. ---
**Author:** ![BBmichelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BBmichelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BBmichelle)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/24 "2014-10-22T08:29:38Z")
I do have to mention, in my defense i am pn my mobile therefore the “sixth grade grammar” is by choice. And yes i say a 4.0 grade average through AP classes and graduating a year early with high honors could be considered a sign of some intelligence… It is my first post; shame on me for not yet being an expert. I am in my early twenties and dont boast lengthy relationship experience therefore simply leaving is intimidating and I do find comfort knowing some people agree, yes. Its reassuring to know that leaving would be the right thing. We moved in together early on (in retrospect not wise) which kept us trying to make things work and as i said we grew to find some level of peace however the “put downs” have long been endured on my part and I am beginning to realize they may have gotten into my head a bit and I am having a hard time coming to grips with this. Ive begun to wonder if hes right and so asking some strangers if this is ok or not helps keep me out of the fog if you know what i mean. When someone says shitty things to you you dont necessarily want friends to know, your friends become your taste of normal life and preserving that is important. But to those of you with constrictive or supportive responses, thankyou Xo ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/25 "2014-10-22T08:43:20Z")
> [@BBmichelle](#): > > I do have to mention, in my defense i am pn my mobile therefore the “sixth grade grammar” is by choice. And yes i say a 4.0 grade average through AP classes and graduating a year early with high honors could be considered a sign of some intelligence… > It is my first post; shame on me for not yet being an expert. > I am in my early twenties and dont boast lengthy relationship experience therefore simply leaving is intimidating and I do find comfort knowing some people agree, yes. Its reassuring to know that leaving would be the right thing. We moved in together early on (in retrospect not wise) which kept us trying to make things work and as i said we grew to find some level of peace however the “put downs” have long been endured on my part and I am beginning to realize they may have gotten into my head a bit and I am having a hard time coming to grips with this. Ive begun to wonder if hes right and so asking some strangers if this is ok or not helps keep me out of the fog if you know what i mean. When someone says shitty things to you you dont necessarily want friends to know, your friends become your taste of normal life and preserving that is important. > But to those of you with constrictive or supportive responses, thankyou > Xo Thanks for getting back to us. Please consider the options we’ve given you. Some of us have been through lousy relationships too and are speaking with knowledge here. Take care, and best of luck. Tough decisions are tough to make. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/26 "2014-10-22T09:34:13Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > If he doesn’t respond to the suggestion of going to counseling together, give him an ultimatum: go to counseling, or you leave. Or better still, go to counseling without him. You may not think you need it, but believe me, you do. And you have the power to get yourself out of this situation. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/27 "2014-10-22T12:11:17Z")
> [@BBmichelle](#): > > I do have to mention, in my defense i am pn my mobile therefore the “sixth grade grammar” is by choice. And yes i say a 4.0 grade average through AP classes and graduating a year early with high honors could be considered a sign of some intelligence… > It is my first post; shame on me for not yet being an expert. > I am in my early twenties and dont boast lengthy relationship experience therefore simply leaving is intimidating and I do find comfort knowing some people agree, yes. Its reassuring to know that leaving would be the right thing. We moved in together early on (in retrospect not wise) which kept us trying to make things work and as i said we grew to find some level of peace however the “put downs” have long been endured on my part and I am beginning to realize they may have gotten into my head a bit and I am having a hard time coming to grips with this. Ive begun to wonder if hes right and so asking some strangers if this is ok or not helps keep me out of the fog if you know what i mean. When someone says shitty things to you you dont necessarily want friends to know, your friends become your taste of normal life and preserving that is important. > But to those of you with constrictive or supportive responses, thankyou > Xo Nope. Still not buying it. I’m just not sure how a mobile phone drops your GPA from a 4.0 to a 1.9, and then miraculously restores it again. On the bright side, 98% of respondents think you should dump the loser. We’re almost never wrong. I hope OP’s mobile doesn’t reverse those poll numbers. I’d hate for her to think we advised her to stay with the jackass. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/28 "2014-10-22T14:10:07Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > You’re assuming the guy wouldn’t have any custody or visitation rights. Is that a reasonable assumption? No, actually, I’m assuming that the dude will eventually skip out on her and never make any attempt to contact his own child. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/29 "2014-10-22T21:42:17Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Yip. Nothing further to add. Well, something has been forgotten. Tell the child: “I kicked his loser ass to the curb.” Fin ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/30 "2014-10-23T00:02:22Z")
I was done with him at the 2nd sentence and only managed to get halfway through the rest of it. I just couldn’t take any more of it in writing. If it were me I’d much rather live single and free. He sounds like a toothache that never goes away. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/31 "2014-10-23T00:43:18Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > \ > > If it were me I’d much rather live single and free. He sounds like a toothache that never goes away. He really does. I think this advice is very germane to the OP - it’s better to be alone than to wish you were. It will be difficult to be a single mom, but this guy doesn’t sound like he’s contributing much beyond mental and verbal abuse. I wish all three of you the best for the future. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/32 "2014-10-23T00:55:38Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > She should definitely see a lawyer. As others said, she’ll want to collect child support from him. He doesn’t work and won’t work? Doesn’t contribute anything to the fambly finances? Momma wrenched out her back and has been a cripple for a year? Who’s paying the rent and grocery bills here? Yeah, you’ll want to collect child support from Daddy Dudley Do-Nothing. GFL with that. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/33 "2014-10-23T05:18:52Z")
Just leave. Dont bother asking for child support because he wont pay anyways I’d guess. And remember. there are plenty of men out there who make great fathers and husbands. ---
**Author:** ![jimbuff314](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c57346/32.png) [@jimbuff314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimbuff314)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/34 "2014-10-23T06:51:31Z")
Thanks as well for returning, **BBMichelle**. (Ha! I have a niece named Michelle.) I understand it can be a bit frightening to be alone with a child in your early twenties. But from what you’ve said, the guy just doesn’t respect you. You deserve more. You do. You don’t have to tell your friends everything, just say it’s not working out or something. Do use their support as much as you feel comfortable with, though. “That’s what friends are for” _can_ be more than an empty phrase. I’m sure we’ll do what we can here. ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/35 "2014-10-23T15:35:54Z")
My situation wasn’t as bad as yours, but speaking as a somewhat newly single mom: dump him, dump him, dump him. When my ex and I were together, I was always hoping he’d step up and help out more with the kids, be more supportive, be more mature, etc. All that constant expectation and disappointment was mentally exhausting! Now that I’m single, yes…it’s very hard. A lot of work. But for me it’s so much easier because I know there’s nobody there to help. I know what needs to be done and I just do it. No more disappointment, no more resentment…just do the work and enjoy the kids and that’s that. I’m in a much healthier place now, without any help at all, (other than what I get from my very supportive family) than I was back when he was around, kind of half-heartedly pitching in some of the time. All that to say…you may think being a single mom will be too hard, but it will probably actually be a whole lot easier than what you’re dealing with now. You deserve better! ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2014, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/36 "2014-10-23T15:57:39Z")
Didn’t even bother reading past the first paragraph before I voted “fast and far.” You don’t need this loser in your life and he sounds like a shitty dad. Find a real man who will treat you right and be the step dad that your son will wish was his real dad. ---
**Author:** ![Incensed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Incensed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incensed)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2014, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/37 "2014-10-24T04:17:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Love Poem > (by John Frederick Nims) > > My clumsiest dear, whose hands shipwreck vases, > At whose quick touch all glasses chip and ring, > Whose palms are bulls in china, burs in linen, > And have no cunning with any soft thing… Haven’t read the thread, just the OP. The above is a piece of brilliance- all the treasures of the world ruined by one person’s beauty. What a concept, what an idea. I told a friend of mine once, and I’ll tell you now, that you deserve a relationship with a person who looks at you like this- all good and decent people do. It doesn’t matter if he’s a mechanic or plumber or a clerk at Safeway and has absolutely no idea what a stanza is; he doesn’t have to write the poem, just feel it. For you. **BBmichelle** , you deserve that, and you aren’t ever going to get it from the guy in the OP, so get out of there and go find it, or at least look for it. I have no practical advice on how to do this, other than to believe in yourself. You can do it, and you deserve it. Good luck, -Incensed ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2014, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/38 "2014-10-24T05:28:34Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Colour me jaded and cynical but I’m pretty sure the OP is having a larf, what with the grade 6 grammar skills and mad poll skills on first time out of the gate. My first thought also. ---
**Author:** ![Rosapants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/838e76/32.png) [@Rosapants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosapants)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2014, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992/39 "2014-10-24T07:20:27Z")
> [@BBmichelle](#): > > Ive been with my boyfriend for six years and we have a two year old son together. My bf has been kinda macho rude ever since i got with him but seemed to be softening a bit before my unexpected pregnancy and then during the pregnancy he began to get a bit more critical and refused to get a job or help around the house. After my son was born he continued to be rude or complain and never helped with the baby. Strangely if we were around people he would want to hold the baby to show friends and family that he took care but then once we were home or alone it was all on me again. > Im really small Im 5’3" and usually 105-110 lbs. But after baby I was like 125 lbs and he called me cottage thigs and fat and ugly at only six weeks after baby born. I had to beg him to get a job and continuously ask for him to help with the baby or pick up the meses he made all over the house. > Once he was working also he wanted to control all the finances and we ended up not having enough money for rent. I lost all my baby weight and he didnt hardly notice. I hadnt felt like being intimate wih him because of his difficult and rude behaivor until sevral months post baby. When we did returnt intimacy he still complained even though i was being adventurous and spontaneous like he asjed. Eventually i did give up because he still complained, called me names and didnt help and made messes and didnt clean so in my eyes, I had met his request to be intimate again but he wasnt making any other efforts. > When we had to move he wanted to play video games instead of help me move boxes so i did it all myself and ended up hurting my back so bad its taken an entire year to heal and fix it. Doctors had me not lifting anything over five lbs and lifting nothing above my head. During that time i gained a little weight up to 125 lbs. Still healthy range just not as in shape as usual. Hes called me fat and said i dont fit in my clothes even though i do. Hes looked at me with complete disgust and said he deserves better even though I am not overweight, i have curves, i take good care of myself and dress nice, keep my nails manicured and my makeup and hair are always done. Ive had so many people tell me im beautiful and past boyfriends never said things like this to me. I feel like my self esteem is widdling away because of this. His comments and actions and unwillingnes to be a team in raising our son and work together as a couple to keep a healhy relationship make me not want to be wih him intimately which then frustrates him. > He also attacks me as a person saying Im a nerd because Im intelligent or minimizes my successes or says my prefrences are stupid. > Since my back injury Ive lost weight and still would like to loose more but his rudenes totally kills my motivation. > What should I do? > Part of me just wants to find a way to leave him but what about our son. He cant take care of our boys I would need and want him with me and what do I say I left ur daddy cuz hes a jerk? > Advice and support is really needed. > Thanks for reading > Xo Wow. This guy makes my loser ex sound like an angel. You have to drop this guy! Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth your time, but especially the father of your child. He sounds AWFUL. If you stay with him, he will drag you down to misery with his verbal abuse. I can’t believe this guy. If I were in your situation, I would leave him and get a nanny to help you. Maybe one of your friends can recommend someone. If you let him treat you this way, think about how he’s going to treat your son when he makes mistakes in life. You don’t want a tyrant/bully around your kid. My mother was like him when I was a child. I actually wished that my father would leave her because of how much misery she brought into our house. If he can’t treat you right, he’s not going to treat your child right either. It sucks to have to break up with someone you invested time into, but it’s so much better than losing your self-esteem/dignity. I broke it off with someone recently. It hurts, but it’s so much better than wasting your life on someone who will never treat you well. Just my 10 cents. Good luck 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-bf-advice-hes-mean-n-doesnt-see-it/701992.md?page=1)