# I need opinions and advice re. friend having a baby by herself **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 24, 2015, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661 "2015-10-24T22:05:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/21 "2015-10-25T01:20:38Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Personally, I’m a little nervous about anyone unilaterally deciding to reproduce. It seems like a big enough deal to bring a child into the world that it ought to be a joint decision. Of course, _couples_ should make joint decisions. How can you impose a joint decision requirement on an independent person who doesn’t share decision-making with any other adults? > [@](#): > > A man doesn’t really have the same option, to singlehandedly father a child, but if he did, out of curiosity would everyone feel the same way if the OP’s friend were a man rather than a woman? A man deciding to be a single parent? If he could find a way to do it, why not? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/22 "2015-10-25T01:50:32Z")
> [@JacobSwan](#): > > I’ve surprised myself by discovering that I have a major moral issue with this plan. This is a surprise as I’m normally very liberal and non-judgemental, and she’s one of my best friends who I normally support in anything she does without question. I’m not religious in the slightest, so my morals haven’t come from an imaginary friend in the sky. I’m glad it feels surprising to you. That’s a good sign that you’re not a total twat, just surprised and struggling with this admittedly unconventional (although not entirely new or unheard of) method of parenthood. It would be a bit more understandable if you were 80 instead of 40something, but let me be the first to welcome you to the 21st century. > [@](#): > > But this feels wrong. IMHO children should be a celebration of a relationship, or the celebration of a drunken night out at least. Not just a commodity that you obtain because you want one. What she’s doing strikes me as very selfish and narcissistic. Such traits rarely make for a good parent. But as others have said…no. Drunken conceptions are not sacred, nor are the resulting pregnancies often something to be celebrated. (Babies are always to be celebrated, pregnancies not so much.) > [@](#): > > The two relationships she’s recently been in seemed very much to be about getting pregnant as quickly as possible. From what she said, it didn’t appear to be about two people building a life together and eventually creating children. It just seemed to be about her desire to have a child and she didn’t really respect the guys or consider what they wanted. So I wasn’t particularly surprised to see them fail. Thank goodness those didn’t work out then. Where would your celebration be if she had gotten pregnant and then it didn’t work out? She’d still be a single mother, but that way would have been okay? No. > [@](#): > > Being a parent is hard; being a single parent is even harder. Eh…maybe. I’ve been both a single parent and a partnered parent, and in many ways, being a single parent was much, much easier. The parts that were hardest were financially supporting my son on my own and the logistics of getting him where he needed to be when I was at work. _Everything_ else was easier. There was no other relationship taking up my time and attention. No one who wanted me to make love while the baby was crying or I was just exhausted from chasing the kiddo all day. No one who wanted to go to a ball game instead of the zoo. No one else I had to consult about making decisions, no one to undermine my choices in discipline, no one but me to spoil the kid with cake for breakfast… I was the law, judge, jury and executioner, and that was _way_ easier than negotiating with another adult and getting our stories straight before we deal with the kid. > [@](#): > > On the plus side, at least the child would be wanted, unlike a lot of children that get born. Plus, she has a good job and income, so she won’t be a major burden on the state. Sounds like the ideal circumstances in which to become a parent. > [@](#): > > She has siblings and 10, soon to be 11, nieces and nephews. So it’s not like she’s the last scion of her family and her parents are desperate for grandkids or anything. The only thing driving this is her desire to have a baby at any cost. That’s the _only_ thing that should drive anyone’s plan to have a baby. That they are having one _because they want one_. > [@](#): > > I know that I’m a guy so I can’t possibly understand the biological urges of a woman fast approaching menopause. Plus I have 3 kids, so I can’t fathom the mind of someone who has none. But what she’s doing still seems totally wrong to me. I’m getting to the point where I need to tell her that this subject is off limits for me and I don’t want to discuss any aspect of it with her. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much the only thing she wants to talk about at the moment. Being a coward, I’ve just been avoiding her as much as possible for the last couple of weeks. I seem to be driving almost every time she calls or texts me and I’m unable to reply. Which makes me a really crap friend, I know. Yeah, knock that off. This isn’t about you. > [@](#): > > A few months ago, when her last relationship was turning sour, she did tell me that she hoped to get pregnant soon so she could end the relationship. I told her then that I wasn’t comfortable with such an attitude. I made it clear that I felt you should be in a relationship for the relationship. Not just so you can get a baby. But now that she’s decided to skip the relationship part entirely it pings my morals even more. Paging Dr. Freud…is there any chance you have some feelings for this woman that you’re not entirely being honest with yourself about? Because you seem to have an awful lot of opinions about the sex life of a woman who isn’t your wife…and she literally cannot win your approval. Something else is going on here. > [@](#): > > Some of you are going to tell me that it’s none of my business what she does. But the fact is, she’s a close family friend and practically part of our family. So it’s inevitable that we will help out with baby sitting and the like. Especially as none of her family are even in the same hemisphere. As an example of how much this could impact me, she has been looking at fertility clinics in mid-europe as they are cheaper than the UK. Unfortunately, most of them won’t treat single women by law, so she needs someone to pretend to be her partner. She’s been looking at clinics in Prague where I spend half my life for work, so I’m sure you can guess who she’s asked? When I’m potentially that involved, I think I have a right to an opinion. Okay, see THAT part is your business. That’s true. So if you don’t want to, you say no. You prevent your own involvement, you don’t try to sabotage her choices. > [@](#): > > So what do you all think? I think she should become a mother, if that’s what she wants. > [@](#): > > Is she justified in having a baby on her own if that’s what she wants and she can afford it? Yes. > [@](#): > > Would such a selfish act bode well for her future parenting skills? What selfish act? You keep talking about this “selfish act,” but I don’t see anything selfish in question. > [@](#): > > Am I being unreasonable in not thinking this is a good idea? Yes. > [@](#): > > Should I support her, even though I don’t agree with it? Or should I make clear the line that is in the sand, even if it potentially ends the friendship? You do you. If you don’t want to be involved with the sperm bank, don’t be. But if you’d support a drunken knock up and not a careful, considered, well researched and thought out decision to go with insemination…your friendship doesn’t mean much. > [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Personally, I’m a little nervous about anyone unilaterally deciding to reproduce. It seems like a big enough deal to bring a child into the world that it ought to be a joint decision. Honestly, I feel like every single person needs to make the unilateral decision to reproduce. You just never know where life will take you. Women die in childbirth. People get hit by buses and drop dead of heart attacks. People go crazy and abandon their families. Man or woman, when you decide to reproduce, you may end up a single parent. Plan accordingly. > [@](#): > > A man doesn’t really have the same option, to singlehandedly father a child, but if he did, out of curiosity would everyone feel the same way if the OP’s friend were a man rather than a woman? Absolutely. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/23 "2015-10-25T01:52:43Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Personally, I’m a little nervous about anyone unilaterally deciding to reproduce. It seems like a big enough deal to bring a child into the world that it ought to be a joint decision. > > A man doesn’t really have the same option, to singlehandedly father a child, but if he did, out of curiosity would everyone feel the same way if the OP’s friend were a man rather than a woman? I could care less how a guy got his child as long it’s legal ! It would had been if the OP friend had adopted a baby there are babies that need a loving home . I really think people should take care of their own business and stop being so righteous , plus we’re only hearing one side of this so how do we know if the OP has not left some facts out . ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/24 "2015-10-25T01:55:53Z")
Honestly, selfish desire to have a child is the BEST reason to conceive. Can anyone think of a better? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/25 "2015-10-25T02:09:50Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Honestly, selfish desire to have a child is the BEST reason to conceive. Can anyone think of a better? I agree. A motivation of “I’m a wonderful person, and I want to share that with another living being” seems like it will inevitably result in some resentment. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/26 "2015-10-25T02:23:21Z")
I’m another voice in the chorus. You can say “No. I’m not comfortable posing as your husband. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that”. That’s not something you should feel obliged to participate in, friendship or no. Beyond that, I find your “moral objection” to deliberate insemination using donor sperm at a clinic ludicrous given that you’d support the accidental conception of a child through risky, drunken, unsafe sex with a stranger. If you need do badly to celebrate, then celebrate the conception as that of a much wanted, planned for and anticipated child. Life doesn’t always work out neatly. You have to find happiness where you can. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/27 "2015-10-25T02:59:27Z")
As a recent parent, I’m of two minds about this: 1. Raising a child is hard. Even with two parents, my inlaws and an army of nannies, it can be exhausting. 2. Having a child is actually pretty awesome. So if someone wants one and is ready to take care of one, who am I to say no? Honestly, the OP is being a bit of a judgmental jerk about this. If it’s your friend be supportive. Otherwise mind your own business. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/28 "2015-10-25T03:09:35Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > A man doesn’t really have the same option, to singlehandedly father a child, but if he did, out of curiosity would everyone feel the same way if the OP’s friend were a man rather than a woman? 😕 how do you think gay man become parents? They adopt or find a surrogate. Single men can do the same. My single, male coworker hired a surrogate last year in order to have a baby. He wanted to be a father and never had the right relationship. He ended up with twins and, even though we all wondered if 2 babies for a single dad might be overwhelming, they’re all doing great. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/29 "2015-10-25T04:49:17Z")
My wife might not always like me for things but she has to admit, I’m a built-in babysitter. So when she needs to run to the store, has to work late, is sick in bed, or just needs time to herself she knows I am always there to take care of the kids when needed. Also we have always worked our jobs so one of us is always home and we never had to pay for daycare. Your friend wont have this. Although I bet she will be calling you when she suddenly needs a sitter. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/30 "2015-10-25T05:16:14Z")
As long as the OP isn’t asked to be the sperm donor, it’s none of his business, IMHO. And if the woman wants to make an ultimatum about that, I can see him walking away. But no one has yet mentioned that if she wants to be a mother, there is probably a baby or two who are available for adoption. But I’m a guy and can’t really understand the desire to give birth to a baby. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/31 "2015-10-25T05:18:38Z")
> [@JacobSwan](#): > > Well, she’s just turned 42 … I stopped reading right there. Bad, _BAD_ idea! I don’t care whatever else follows. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/32 "2015-10-25T05:41:24Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > I stopped reading right there. Bad, _BAD_ idea! I don’t care whatever else follows. Wait, what? Is there some magic cut-off age after which one is automatically a shitty parent? Sure, she’s getting to the age where as a medical matter it is going to be harder to get pregnant than if she were younger, and she won’t have as much energy as a 25-year-old parent. But age tends to bring greater levels of financial and emotional stability, and at 42 it’s not she’s going to die of old age when the kid is 10. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/33 "2015-10-25T07:25:30Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > \But no one has yet mentioned that if she wants to be a mother, there is probably a baby or two who are available for adoption. \ Good luck with that. Tell her to go stand in line behind the younger straight couples, the older straight couples, and \*maybe \*the gay couples. Unless she’s Sandra Bullock, a single woman is going to have a hard time getting a baby to adopt. And she’d better have a lot of money ready, because the costs for adoption are big. And if she’s not rich, she’s not getting an international baby, either. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/34 "2015-10-25T08:29:47Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > I stopped reading right there. Bad, _BAD_ idea! I don’t care whatever else follows. Why? **Kaylasmom** had just turned 42 when her IUD decided to fail, and now we have our beautiful and healthy nineteen-year old Kayla. **JacobSwan** , please tell us what your thoughts would be if your friend was confiding her intention to adopt a baby on her own. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/35 "2015-10-25T09:25:48Z")
This is bizarre. It sounds like when she was in the last two relationships, she was trying to get pregnant without the guys’ knowledge. Now that’s morally inexcusable. She’s got no right to decide that a man should have a child without his knowledge and consent. But having a child by a sperm donor, who knew exactly what his sperm was going to be used for…what on earth is morally wrong with that? There’s more love, more thought, and much more sense of responsibility going into the making of this child than into your example of the strangers who hook up in a bar and are too drunk to bother with a condom. I cannot for the life of me see how anyone could consider the second one to be more ‘moral’ than the first. Whether it’s a smart decision is a whole other question. Kids are hard work. I know a single mother who used donor sperm, and yeah, she has a harder time than the rest of us who have partners. On the other hand, she’s solvent and has a good support network, so she has a much easier time than a broke teenager with no support who got pregnant the easy way. That’s got nothing to do with the morality of it, just the practicalities. This may not be the case, but at the moment it really comes across like you’re outraged at the thought of a woman taking solo control of her own reproductive life. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/36 "2015-10-25T10:30:55Z")
I wonder about the 2 guys she tried to get pregnant with. Did she just like them for say their being tall and having the right hair and eye color? ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/37 "2015-10-25T10:53:48Z")
The desire to have kids can be very strong. It is not uncommon these days for women who have not found a partner or who do not want a partner to go it alone. If you poke around on the 'net, you will see many, many websites addressing this topic. I work with pregnant women and ten or fifteen years ago I would have an occasional single woman who had used insemination or in vitro fertilization to achieve pregnancy. Now I’ve seen it so often it’s not remotely surprising anymore. I think your friend is part of a larger trend. I also think that people (I also see some men with ‘arrangements’) that have to work hard to achieve pregnancy are very often (and of course, not always) better parents. My opinion about this is based on the fact that most of them are older and thus more stable and mature (my oldest patient was 52), and because they put a lot of thought, effort, and often a lot of money into the process. Like a lot of things, when one has to work to achieve it, it has more value. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/38 "2015-10-25T12:12:14Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Even then, if she expects nothing from him, doesn’t demand he be a parent, doesn’t demand emotional or financial support—indeed, never tells him—I don’t see that as “reprehensible.” But there have been cases where the mother’s financial situation changes dramatically and she needs financial assistance. The state then seeks out the identity of the father to require support. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/39 "2015-10-25T12:16:47Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > But there have been cases where the mother’s financial situation changes dramatically and she needs financial assistance. The state then seeks out the identity of the father to require support. Furthermore, not everyone is comfortable having kids running around who’s lives they are not involved in. Or they may have some personal or health reason why they think it’s better not to have kids. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2015, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/40 "2015-10-25T12:18:08Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > But there have been cases where the mother’s financial situation changes dramatically and she needs financial assistance. The state then seeks out the identity of the father to require support. And if they can’t identify the father or can’t find him, or if he has no assets, or if he is dead, then the state steps in. She’s just starting with the whole “no legal father.” I have a friend who did this. Around the age of 40 she decided that she did want to be a mother, but she hadn’t found someone to parent with. She tried a sperm bank, discovered she was not terribly fertile, and adopted. She has a circle of close friends and relatives who have been able to step in where you would need a second parent (I have to work late, I’m sick as a dog, etc.). She has a good career with a lot of flexibility so money isn’t an issue (or no more than it would be for the average two parent family - probably less than the average two parent family). Her daughter is fifteen now, and everything is fine. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661.md?page=3)