# I need opinions and advice re. friend having a baby by herself **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 24, 2015, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661 "2015-10-24T22:05:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/81 "2015-10-26T15:03:47Z")
Yeap. Just like lesbians have to defect to “gay parenting.” It’s okay for a drug addicted pedophilic couple working as pimps and living on welfare to have children, but heaven forbid a lesbian, gay couple or single woman who wants child and can support and love it wants to go that route! ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/82 "2015-10-26T15:14:23Z")
Better to be a single parent than to settle for a wife-beater, child abuser, or other toxic spouse. Some people, for whatever reason, have a very bad habit of only entering relationships with toxic people. That doesn’t mean they’d make bad parents. So, if that’s the case, better they be single parents if they have the financial means/support system/whatever than feeling compelled to hook up with a toxic loser. Which may or may not be the case with the woman in the OP. I don’t personally know her, after all, I’m just saying it’s a possibility. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/83 "2015-10-26T16:30:13Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > This just in… > > Sexual/romantic relationships are nothing like mother-child relationships. > > She’s 42. Maybe she ain’t got time to be dealing with the drama of a relationship. And maybe she only seems to attract the kind of guys that bring lots of drama. Alternatively, maybe she’s too picky or too independent to want to be saddled down with any ole guy. She likes the dance, but then she gets bored. > > But it’s different when you have a child. A child isn’t just “any ole guy”. > > Maybe she’ll be a horrible mother. But there are too many horrible mothers with hubbies/boyfriends and too many excellent single mothers out there to conclude how this one particular woman will be like, at least based on the OP’s word. Yes. And in addition, there are plenty of circumstances that may make it difficult to find a partner but have no impact on one’s ability to be a good mother – not being conventionally pretty, for example, or not being conventionally feminine, or not particularly enjoying sex, or living in a place where most people don’t share your core values. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/84 "2015-10-26T16:42:53Z")
> [@amarinth](#): > > Or is it never? Find a partner or never have kids? Closer to “don’t deliberately have children out of wedlock”. > [@even\_sven](#): > > Funny, I don’t see a lot of scorn for men who chose to wait until their 40s to start a family. By himself? I haven’t seen a lot of men who chose to be single custodial parents in their 40s. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/85 "2015-10-26T17:00:37Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > As long as the OP isn’t asked to be the sperm donor, it’s none of his business, IMHO. And if the woman wants to make an ultimatum about that, I can see him walking away. But no one has yet mentioned that if she wants to be a mother, there is probably a baby or two who are available for adoption. But I’m a guy and can’t really understand the desire to give birth to a baby. Wrong. There is a vast shortage of babies waiting for adoption, mostly due to abortion and the acceptance of single motherhood. The anti-abortion crew who talk about adoption like it’s some kind of magical la-la land where nothing every goes wrong never address the issue of why people aren’t taking older children who desperately need homes out of foster care. My brother and his wife had their last children when she was 43 and he was 63! They are doing fine, and Sam is a absolute delight. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/86 "2015-10-26T17:07:27Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > The anti-abortion crew who talk about adoption like it’s some kind of magical la-la land where nothing every goes wrong never address the issue of why people aren’t taking older children who desperately need homes out of foster care. So maybe the woman mentioned in the OP should adopt an older child out of foster care. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/87 "2015-10-26T17:13:22Z")
You’re worried about her stamina and capability of raising an infant, but think she’s able to tackle an older child in foster care, who is, statistically and almost by definition, special needs? Talk about setting someone up to fail! ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/88 "2015-10-26T17:21:32Z")
Or maybe it’s not for any of us to judge how another person’s family comes about. Surely you’ve all witnessed families created in ideal circumstances crash and burn. And surely you’ve seen marriages you thought “made in heaven” fail miserably. And other families thrive under the most trying circumstances. Good families aren’t made with marriage certificates and only two parents. Tons of babies that came about ‘by accident’, even the result of rape, turn into awesome people too! As do the offspring of single mothers, people who lost a parent, raised by grandparents etc. The entire idea that there’s only certain ways to make a proper family displays enormous hubris. Nobody cares about your closed minded views of why this isn’t ideal. Life isn’t ideal! Deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/89 "2015-10-26T17:22:50Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You’re worried about her stamina and capability of raising an infant, but think she’s able to tackle an older child in foster care, who is, statistically and almost by definition, special needs? Talk about setting someone up to fail! So you are opposed to single parents who adopt special needs children? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/90 "2015-10-26T17:25:02Z")
Would you be so upset if she got pregnant by a husband who died before she gave birth? > [@Shodan](#): > > So you are opposed to single parents who adopt special needs children? > > Regards, > Shodan Not if that is what she _chose_ to do. Indeed, I’d sing her praises. My sister’s partner had two children via artificial insemination. My sister legally adopted them. There was a single mother living on their block who had two daughters the same age as my two nieces. The four girls grew thick as thieves. When the single mother found out she had terminal cancer, my sister and her wife took the family into their house. They took care of the single mother during her final illness, and she made arranges for her daughter to be legally adopted by the “unfit” lesbian couple. Today they are legally my nieces, and anyone who says that is child abuse is going to get an earful from me. Of course, by some bigoted standards, these children should have gone into the foster care system, along with my sister’s other two daughters. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/91 "2015-10-26T17:26:07Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > The entire idea that there’s only certain ways to make a proper family displays enormous hubris. Or perhaps a basic understanding of the statistical effects of single parenthood on children. > [@](#): > > Nobody cares about your closed minded views of why this isn’t ideal. Life isn’t ideal! Deal with it. Life isn’t ideal; therefore go ahead and do something stupid. Got it. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/92 "2015-10-26T17:28:57Z")
There are a lot of variables involved - marriage, dual income, dual time sharing, etc. No one really knows how much each variable contributes, but the fact is that [children of 2 active parents fair much better](http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonkblog/wp/2014/09/08/children-with-married-parents-are-better-off-but-marriage-isnt-the-reason-why/). For this reason alone I opine that single parenting by choice is a bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/93 "2015-10-26T18:35:54Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > So you are opposed to single parents who adopt special needs children? > > Regards, > Shodan No, I’m opposed to you, the OP, or anyone else thinking they have a useful opinion about how someone else becomes a parent (in a way that’s breaking no laws and hurting no one.) Especially when that opinion seems to lead you to making terrible suggestions. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/94 "2015-10-26T19:20:38Z")
1. To the OP: why do you think you get a vote? 2. I have issues with this sort of thing, but I can tell you the reasons. In a perfect would, the CHILD has a right to have both parents in their life. I understand that it is not a perfect world, and that it often not in the best interests of the child for both parents to be in their life. But having said that, it seems supremely selfish to me to deliberately set up a situation in which the child will never ever have access to the other parent. I grew up without my bio-father. My step-fathers were mostly unengaged. Essentially, I was fatherless. And it hurts. I am in my fifties, and it still hurts. Why deliberately set a child up for that? Better to find a child who is already here, skip the pregnancy, and help that child to have a family. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/95 "2015-10-26T19:48:01Z")
The OP seems to think he gets a vote because Wannabe Mom has been confiding in him for years about her desire to have a kid. In great detail. Now she’s suggested he pose as her partner to get cheap AI. And he’s said that, because of her lack of other support, he & his wife would be on tap to help care for the baby. I’m surprised she hasn’t suggested _he_ do the inseminating. The woman has a right to do as she wishes. So why not just get inseminated & announce the happy news? Nope, she wants to get some help lined up first. (That “hoping to get pregnant so I can end the relationship” thing was pretty tacky. And who supposed she’d let the Surprise Dad off? Dump him when the test shows up positive, look him up when 8.5 months pregnant. Sounds like an MRA fantasy.) At the age of 42, Mother Nature may just say no. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/96 "2015-10-26T20:32:54Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > 1. I grew up without my bio-father. My step-fathers were mostly unengaged. Essentially, I was fatherless. And it hurts. I am in my fifties, and it still hurts. Why deliberately set a child up for that? Better to find a child who is already here, skip the pregnancy, and help that child to have a family. I can hear the hurt in your post. But if my maternal instinct were to suddenly kick in, I’d be doing exactly what the woman in the OP is doing. And your pleading wouldn’t mean all that much to me, sorry. There are few families that hit all the “ideal” categories. I had both parents in my life–and they were and still are great. But we, their children, missed out on other “ideals”. For instance, we grew up miles away from extended family. I never got to experience being spoiled by aunts, uncles, or grandparents because they just weren’t regular features of my life. I know I missed out on a wonderful experience. And yet, I don’t feel an urge to think bad things about parents who raise their children far away from extended family. For every loving grandmother or grandfather, there is a crappy one. I feel lucky that I never had to learn which kind mine were. (Nor be dragged down by ne’er-do-well cousins). The OP seems to think the woman is a bad person for not being able to make things work in her relationships. I wondering why it can’t just be that this woman has gone through a lot of _duds_–guys she knows would be horrible fathers. If this is the case, it would be more irresponsible for her to have a kid with one of these guys than it would be to be a single mother. It’s like this woman can’t win on anything. If she stays single and childless, she gets judged. If she marries a dud and has a kid and he fucks the kid up, she gets judged. If she divorces him, she gets judged. If she decides to do the single mother thing, she gets judged. Out of all these decisions, only the last gets her exactly what she wants, damn whatever else thinks. Such moxy should be praised. I wish her and her kid only the best. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2015, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/97 "2015-10-26T21:43:08Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Or perhaps a basic understanding of the statistical effects of single parenthood on children. > > Life isn’t ideal; therefore go ahead and do something stupid. What is the statistical effect on a child of, say, a household income under $100k? What is the statistical effect of both parents having advanced degrees (hint: it’s huge). What is the statistical effect of the race of your partner? These factors are all huge. Is it stupid for a working class African-American family to have a child? Or is it just the things that just happen to line up with your personal sexual morals that matter? ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/98 "2015-10-27T04:43:25Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Wait, what? Is there some magic cut-off age after which one is automatically a shitty parent? > …, and at 42 it’s not she’s going to die of old age when the kid is 10. No, not a shitty parent. A shitty kid, as in “high risk of birth defect”. And I think the number is several shy of 42. Old age is a slacker when it comes to killing. Lots better, more efficient stuff out there. > [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Why? **Kaylasmom** had just turned 42 when her IUD decided to fail, and now we have our beautiful and healthy nineteen-year old Kayla. That’s great. But you may have beat some long odds. From what I understand, the risks for bad shit goes up pretty steep past 40. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/99 "2015-10-27T05:22:49Z")
The risks actually start going up around 35 but _most late pregnancies still result in a normal, healthy baby._ So, yes, the risks go up but the most likely outcome is still a normal baby. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/100 "2015-10-27T06:46:55Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > The risks actually start going up around 35 but _most late pregnancies still result in a normal, healthy baby._ So, yes, the risks go up but the most likely outcome is still a normal baby. Absolutely! Also, there are genetic tests available to rule out the biggest risk, which is Down Syndrome. Plenty of women aged 42 give birth to normal babies. Saying that one should not even consider getting pregnant at that age because the risks are higher is like saying you should take a job that is a three-block walk away instead of one that is 30 mile highway drive away, because your risks of dying in a car crash go up if you take the latter job. Sure, they do - but that’s such a small piece of the overall picture that it would be absurd to make your decision on that basis alone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661.md?page=6)