# I need opinions and advice re. friend having a baby by herself **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 24, 2015, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661 "2015-10-24T22:05:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/101 "2015-10-27T10:47:22Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > No, not a shitty parent. A shitty kid, as in “high risk of birth defect”. And I think the number is several shy of 42. If you are personally against abortion, that is a risk. But there are new tests that can detect chromosomal abnormalities quite early, leaving lots of options. I will be over 35 when I have my next child. That child’s chance of Downs Syndrome is 1 in 18,000. I will have results from an even more accurate test in a couple of days. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/102 "2015-10-27T12:41:16Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > No, I’m opposed to you, the OP, or anyone else thinking they have a useful opinion about how someone else becomes a parent (in a way that’s breaking no laws and hurting no one.) Did you happen to notice the title of this forum? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/103 "2015-10-27T13:38:19Z")
Please. People are NOT statistics. I grew up in a “traditional” family, and my siblings and I all had problems. My sister the lesbian’s eight daughters are fine. There is no way of predicting how a person will turn out. Exhibit A: Clinton vs. W. Bush. The former was raised by a single mother and later with an abusive stepfather. The other was raised in a traditional family. Which one would you want for your President? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/104 "2015-10-27T16:09:16Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Please. People are NOT statistics. Anecdotes are not data, either. > [@](#): > > [The Journal of Research in Crime and Delinquency reports that the most reliable indicator of violent crime in a community is the proportion of fatherless families. Fathers typically offer economic stability, a role model for boys, greater household security, and reduced stress for mothers. This is especially true for families with adolescent boys, the most crime-prone cohort. Children from single-parent families are more prone than children from two-parent families to use drugs, be gang members, be expelled from school, be committed to reform institutions, and become juvenile murderers. Single parenthood inevitably reduces the amount of time a child has in interaction with someone who is attentive to the child’s needs, including the provision of moral guidance and discipline. According to a 1993 Metropolitan Life Survey, “Violence in America’s Public Schools,” 71 percent of teachers and 90 percent of law enforcement officials state that the lack of parental supervision at home is a major factor that contributes to the violence in schools. Sixty-one percent of elementary students and 76 percent of secondary children agree with this assessment.](https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/publications/abstract.aspx?ID=167327) I know, I know - the laws of probabilty don’t apply if you wish hard enough. _:shrugs:_ Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/105 "2015-10-27T16:20:47Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Would you be so upset if she got pregnant by a husband who died before she gave birth?.. I wouldn’t, because I just said I think it is wise to attempt to line up a second parent before making a baby. Everyone knows that stuff happens. On the other hand, Shodan, this woman apparently has the financial means to hire childcare and pay for the child. Lots of parents make babies without the financial resources to rear them. To some extent, financial resources and human resources (a second parent) are fungible. And no one has suggested this woman won’t be there to love and care for the child. We have lots of evidence that one parent CAN be adequate, and in fact, many of the issues that one-parent families have stem from their lack of financial resources. And on the third hand…The OP, who knows this woman very well, has serious reservations. He may not fully understand the source of his reservations. But he says he knows lots of other non-standard parenting arrangements that don’t trigger this concern. I think he ought to investigate his concerns in more detail, perhaps he will uncover a reason to break up with this friend, or something to dissuade her, or perhaps he will find it is something he should cast aside, like misplaced sexual jealousy. Really hard to tell from what he’s written. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2015, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/106 "2015-10-27T17:55:59Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Anecdotes are not data, either. > [Quoting Study]"Children from single-parent families are more prone than children from two-parent families to use drugs, be gang members, be expelled from school, be committed to reform institutions, and become juvenile murderers. " > > I know, I know - the laws of probabilty don’t apply if you wish hard enough. > > _:shrugs:_ > > Regards, > Shodan Hmm… Interesting study. I’m particularly interested how they randomly assigned families to be single-parent or two-parent. Because if they didn’t, you know, there would be this giant correlation versus causation issue, where one might think that being a single parent was often an indicator of other issues (that could influence parenting), or there might be something about typical single-parent families that doesn’t apply in this case [QUOTE= First line of same study] Children from single-parent families are more likely to have behavioral problems because they tend to lack economic security and adequate time with parents. [/QUOTE] Like for instanceeconomic insecurity. Not to mention, I wonder what risk factor for this woman’s children becoming juvenile murderers really is. I mean, I really wouldn’t worry about doubling my chance of being injured by a meteorite. ---
**Author:** ![JacobSwan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@JacobSwan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JacobSwan)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2015, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/107 "2015-10-28T12:47:50Z")
Her last two relationships have included some deceit. The first guy wasn’t sure if he was ready for kids and she was telling me that she hoped for an accident to occur. The second guy she was a bit more honest and told him from the start that she wanted to get pregnant asap. But she was also letting him think that the relationship could be long term while again telling me that she would probably dump him as soon as she was pregnant. I think that’s the problem here, she’s confided too many of her dark secrets to me and I’ve lost a lot of respect for her as a person. If a friend told you they were having an affair, even though it’s none of your business, you would probably lose a little respect for them. If they treat their partners with such contempt, you have to wonder how they feel towards their friends. I’m hoping this is all just biology related and due to baby fever. ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2015, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/108 "2015-10-28T16:42:07Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Anecdotes are not data, either. > > I know, I know - the laws of probabilty don’t apply if you wish hard enough. > > [abstract quotation, linked above by Shodan] > > _:shrugs:_ > > Regards, > Shodan This is actually a great example of Annie Xmas’s point. You cannot apply broad trends cited in a 1997 US paper, drawing on US studies, which notes the importance of economic stability, to a 40something British (I’m guessing) woman with a large and supportive family and a good income. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2015, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/109 "2015-10-28T17:07:35Z")
Indeed. I doubt that there’s a paper somewhere that doesn’t prove any known theory about anything. It’s too easy to come up with a theory and write a paper “proving” it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2015, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/110 "2015-10-28T20:49:45Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > No, not a shitty parent. A shitty kid, as in “high risk of birth defect”. Wow. Just…I can’t. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2015, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661/111 "2015-10-29T00:59:49Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > This is none of your damn business, unless you think she is going to be an abusive or neglectful mother. Absolutely none whatsoever. I disagree; it would still be none of his damn business. > [@Shodan](#): > > I know, I know - the laws of probabilty don’t apply if you wish hard enough. > > _:shrugs:_ > > Regards, > Shodan Not wish, try. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-opinions-and-advice-re-friend-having-a-baby-by-herself/735661.md?page=5)