# I need pirate jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 29, 2005, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651 "2005-12-29T23:56:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/1 "2005-12-29T23:56:23Z")
I’ve only got three and I’m driving my poor coworkers up the wall. They demand I get some new material. The ones I have: Why are pirates so cool? Nobody really know, they just AAarrrrrrrrrr What kind of movies do pirates like to watch? Ones that are rated AArrrrrrrrr A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender looks at him and says, “Man, that must be uncomfortable!” The pirate says, “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/2 "2005-12-30T00:00:01Z")
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a huge, beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, ‘Where did you get _that?_’ The parrot says, ‘Dry Tortugas!’ A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The bartender says, ‘You have a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers!’ The pirate says, ‘Aye. It’s drivin’ me nuts!’ How much do pirates pay for corn? A buck an ear. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/3 "2005-12-30T00:01:11Z")
:smack: Didn’t see your last! How did Captain Hook die? Jock itch. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/4 "2005-12-30T00:01:40Z")
What do pirates drive? A Caaarrh. What do pirates fly? An Aaarrhhhplane. What do pirates sail? Their ships… (AAaaarrrhhh) ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/5 "2005-12-30T00:03:25Z")
A pirate comes back to ship with both of his ears pierced. Another pirate without any ear rings says "Where did you get those ear rings?"The first pirate replies: "Me matie I was on shore and they had a special, they were a “Buck an Ear” ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/6 "2005-12-30T00:07:39Z")
“So you’re a pirate, eh? Where are your buccaneers?” “Under me buckin’ hat! Arrrrrr…” ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/7 "2005-12-30T03:30:42Z")
How long before ArrMatey! posts here? What is a pirate’s favourite fashion item? Silver long-johns. A pirate gets left money by a game-playing relative, but there’s a legal challenge. Apparently there were only two witnesses, and everyone knows you need 15 men on a chess man’s deed. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/8 "2005-12-30T03:40:44Z")
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.” ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/9 "2005-12-30T03:52:06Z")
What do you call a Pirate that has been painted purple and alone on an island? Marooned!!! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/10 "2005-12-30T04:17:20Z")
What has 8 arms and 8 legs? 8 Pirates ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/11 "2005-12-30T04:42:32Z")
There was a pirate ship and captain Black Toes was in charge. One day while at sea, his 2nd in charge came over to him and said " captain captain, there is another pirate ship out there what do you want us to do?" Black Toes replies. " Jimbo, get me my red shirt". So Jimbo fetches his red shirt and Black Toes puts it on and they fight for hours and win a fantastic arduous battle. Exahusted they all sit down and enjoy a wonderful meal together celebrating their victory. One of the men says how wonderful it was they won but wanted to know why Black Toes wore the red shirt. Black Toes replies, “well if I had of kept my white shirt on and was stabbed or shot the blood would of shown up and you would of been affraid and start to panic and lose the battle, but because it was red you continued to fight.” “ahhh yes, very good” they reply. A few weeks later they are at sea again, and Jimbo approaches Black Toes. “Sir, there are 10 pirate ships gathering towards us, what shall we do?” Black Toes replies, “Jimbo, get me my brown pants.”!!! Many more [here](http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/jokes-pirate_jokes-p1.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Nanoda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Nanoda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nanoda)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/12 "2005-12-30T06:29:08Z")
\*Arr… have ye ever been adrift at sea, Billy? \*No, but I’ve been blown ashore! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/13 "2005-12-30T16:53:55Z")
An historian invents a time machine and decides to interview a pirate. He steps into the machine, sets it for the 1600s and off he goes. Upon arrival, he spies a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, a parrot on his shoulder, an eyepatch, the whole nine yards. The historian offers to buy the pirate many drinks, and after getting him soused, gets the pirate to tell him stories. “How did you lose your leg?” “Arrr…we wuz in a mighty sea battle and we takes a broadside from one of ‘is Majesty’s cruisers. A cannonball takes me fookin’ leg right off at the knee. The next day, I 'as the ship’s carpenter make me a peg, and I’m right as rain.” The historian scribbles frantically. “And your hand - what happened there?” “Arrr…we wuz bein’ boarded by a pack of ‘is Majesty’s Marines and it was dog-eat-dog. I’m fightin’ with this leftenant, see, and 'e swings 'is cutlass and swoosh! ‘E chops me fookin’ 'and right off. I stabs 'im with me dagger and the next day, I 'as the ship’s carpenter make me a 'ook, and I’m right as rain.” The historian keeps scribbling. “And your eye -what happened to your eye?” “Arrr…we wuz becalmed after a mighty storm and I wuz lookin’ up at the tops’l, checkin’ fer damage and a fookin’ seagull flew over and beshat me eyeball.” The historian stops writing and asks, “And that put out your eye?” The pirate replied, “Nay, matey, I’d only 'ad me 'ook for two days when that 'appened.” ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/14 "2005-12-30T16:55:34Z")
:smack: Dammit, **Zamboniracer** , I didn’t see your post. Arrr, but me version is better, matey! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/15 "2005-12-30T18:16:53Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > :smack: > > Dammit, **Zamboniracer** , I didn’t see your post. > > Arrr, but me version is better, matey! 😃 Arrr, sez you, me bucko. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/16 "2005-12-30T19:08:17Z")
Kevin Shay’s _[Pirate Riddles for Sphisticates](http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2000/06/14pirates.html)_ makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Capt.Ridley\_s\_Shooting\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cc9497/32.png) [@Capt.Ridley\_s\_Shooting\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt.Ridley_s_Shooting_Party)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/17 "2005-12-30T19:12:23Z")
Why do pirates work in polar co-ordinates? So they can differentiate with respect to aarrrhhhh. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/18 "2005-12-30T20:26:04Z")
Also… Why did the pirate fail geometry? He could never get past the concept of pi arrrrrr squared. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/337651/19 "2005-12-31T01:58:09Z")
What’s a pirate’s favorite color? Arrrrrrrange. 🙂