# I need pirate jokes! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 18, 2008, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083 "2008-09-18T01:39:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/1 "2008-09-18T01:39:03Z")
Talk like a pirate day is coming up and I need some piratey jokes to go along with my occasional “ARRRH” and “matey”. [pirate voice]So come on, out with the jokes you scurvy dogs! Don’t make me force you to walk to plank! ARRRH![/pirate voice] ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/2 "2008-09-18T01:45:19Z")
Why are Pirates so mean and cruel? They just ARRRRRRR… (Ducks and Runs) ---
**Author:** ![Simplicio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c37758/32.png) [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/3 "2008-09-18T01:46:37Z")
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. The bartender asks him “What the hell is that for!!?”. The pirate turns to him and answers: “Yarrr…its driving me nuts!” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/4 "2008-09-18T01:52:55Z")
In case you hadn’t already found it: [http://www.talklikeapirate.com/](http://www.talklikeapirate.com/) IIRC the #1 pickup line for a man to use is: “Prepare to be boarded!” ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/5 "2008-09-18T01:58:33Z")
Obligatory link to the ergonomic keyboard for pirates: [http://www.ahajokes.com/crt883.html](http://www.ahajokes.com/crt883.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/6 "2008-09-18T01:59:50Z")
[Piratey tune](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqvA5IyfSSQ), basically NSFW, with World of Warcraft animation. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/7 "2008-09-18T02:00:42Z")
Did you hear about the Polish pirate? He had a patch over both eyes. What do a pirate and pimp have in common? They both say “Yo ho” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/8 "2008-09-18T02:02:32Z")
Pirate-related news from FSM: _You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s._ Scroll down for graph. [http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/](http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/9 "2008-09-18T02:08:50Z")
Pirate jokes: > **[Pirate Jokes :: Pirate humor for scurvy sea dogs, arr matey!](http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes)** > > Pirate jokes and more pirate jokes. Every pirate joke in existance can be found here, you barnacle-bitten land lubber! Great Fedex pirate commercial: [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/F31P0_kgEic/hqdefault.jpg "Fedex pirate commercial") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F31P0_kgEic) ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/10 "2008-09-18T02:11:25Z")
Q: What is a pirate’s least favorite monkee? A: Davy Jones ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/11 "2008-09-18T02:15:29Z")
Newspaperman interviewing a pirate captain: “So, Captain, I see you have a hook instead of a hand. When did that happen?” Captain: “Two years ago, whilst boardin’ a frigate outta Jamaica. The smoke got in me eyes, I didn’t see the enemy’s saber an’, well, you see the result!” Newspaperman: “I see. And when did you get the patch over your eye?” Captain: “The day after I got the hook! I was wipin’ the smoke outta’ me eyes ‘cuz I dinna’ want to lose another hand!” ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/12 "2008-09-18T03:14:29Z")
> [@Simplicio](#): > > A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. The bartender asks him “What the hell is that for!!?”. The pirate turns to him and answers: “Yarrr…its driving me nuts!” Dammit, I came in here just to post that punchline! ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/13 "2008-09-18T03:56:06Z")
Why couldn’t the little pirate see the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRRRR!!! ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/14 "2008-09-18T04:00:56Z")
Blackbeard was called to the deck because his deckhand saw a ship on the horizon. As he peered through the telescope, he realized it was going to be quite the battle, there were actually _two_ hostile ships. “Arrrr, mate, bring me my red shirt!” he ordered. When his red shirt arrived, his deckhand asked why he asked for his read shirt. “Arrrr, if I get wounded in battle, I don’t want me men to see me blood.” As the Captain looked into the scope again, he now saw _three_ hostile ships full steam towards his crew. “Arrrr, mate! Bring me my brown pants!” ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/15 "2008-09-18T04:05:12Z")
"Why’d I become a pirate, you ask ? Well, I used to be a proctologist, but losin’ the hand and gettin’ the hook really hurt me practice, arrr . . . " ---
**Author:** ![ShermanAter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ShermanAter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShermanAter)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/16 "2008-09-18T04:26:57Z")
I had a little boy stop by the house last Halloween. I opened the door and was greeted with “arrrrr trick’er treat you scurvy dawg” I was taken aback as this little feller couldn’t have been over six years old and was dressed all in black. He had a double ender hat with the scull and crossbones, a drawn on mustache, hook on one hand, earring and a real looking sword. So, I asked him “What are you supposed to be?” “I’m a Birate” he replies. “A Birate?” I ask. He rolled his eyes and answered “Yes, I’m a Birate, trick’er treat ya scurvy dawg?” Trying hard to keep a straight face I asked " If you’re a Birate, just where are your Buccaneers?" And he said… wait for it He said '‘They’re under me Buckin’ hat!"" ---
**Author:** ![Satellite\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Satellite\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satellite_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/17 "2008-09-18T04:39:07Z")
Q: Why do all pirates have eyepatches? A: Chuck Norris. S^G ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/18 "2008-09-18T13:48:48Z")
Similar to collecting scalps, early bounty hunters were sent out to kill pirates and bring back proof. They were paid a buck an ear. ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/19 "2008-09-18T16:42:15Z")
> [@Satellite\_Guy](#): > > Q: Why do all pirates have eyepatches? > > A: Chuck Norris. > > S^G Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2008, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083/20 "2008-09-18T17:00:29Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Pirate jokes: > > [http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes](http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes) They have some good ones there. Here are a couple of my favorites from there(also highly rated on their site). How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRR!!! Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C! What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty! A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?” “Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!” What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say? RRAAAAAAAAAAA! What does a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common? A little black patch. What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack? Arrr! Me heartie! Enjoy, Steven [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-pirate-jokes/464083.md?page=2)