# I need real relationship advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2009, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703 "2009-08-25T22:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/41 "2009-08-27T22:41:44Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Can’t disagree with anything the above posters have said, but there’s no reason why you can’t keep HER on the string and use HER till something better comes along for you. > > Yeah it’s not nice, but as long as you don’t have any money she can get at anyway, what are you out? a. His own self-respect. b. Her current BF may find out and Do Something Bad. I agree with everyone else. Move on. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/42 "2009-08-27T23:28:20Z")
I had to go back and double check the name on the OP. I would have sworn it was **Siam Sam** posting the words of yet another sucker taken in by the bargirls of Thailand. Walk away. You’re already doing this, even if you don’t realize it. You’ve refused to help her financially but you gave her the out of “until I get to know you better.” Cancel that and make her stand up for herself, end her previous commitments and come to you as an equal partner. Anything else is asking for heartache in the long run. You’ve spent too much of your life either alone or in fucked up relationships already. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/43 "2009-08-27T23:36:08Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > I’m going to see her a few more times so we can feel out if this thing can work. But she is in such a trap financially. I know relationships will always have wrinkles. Any advice for me? I can’t stop thinking about her. > > I guess I am usually mature to the extent that I don’t give things a chance, this time I want to give it a chance. [Obi-Wan Kenobi]That’s your Johnson talking. It doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Give it a good beating and move along.[/Obi-Wan Kenobi] Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/44 "2009-08-27T23:59:22Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Can’t disagree with anything the above posters have said, but there’s no reason why you can’t keep HER on the string and use HER till something better comes along for you. > > Yeah it’s not nice, but as long as you don’t have any money she can get at anyway, what are you out? I was with you, Markxxx, but then I realized that as soon as he gets some $$$ he’ll fire it over to her, post haste. He’s got wussy written all over him. Not a wussy, but more of ‘lackey of women.’ Now, that is good if one is getting what one wants, but when not, well, you’re in the same boat as the OP. Use her, but you ain’t gonna get what you really want. hh ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/45 "2009-08-28T04:39:37Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > I had to go back and double check the name on the OP. I would have sworn it was **Siam Sam** posting the words of yet another sucker taken in by the bargirls of Thailand. > > Walk away. You’re already doing this, even if you don’t realize it. You’ve refused to help her financially but you gave her the out of “until I get to know you better.” Cancel that and make her stand up for herself, end her previous commitments and come to you as an equal partner. Anything else is asking for heartache in the long run. You’ve spent too much of your life either alone or in fucked up relationships already. I, too, had to check and make sure that was not me posting. 😃 Yes, run, DON’T walk, but rather RUN as fast as you can. I’ve seen this exact situation so many times. It’s not worked out well even once. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/46 "2009-08-28T13:11:53Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Can’t disagree with anything the above posters have said, but there’s no reason why you can’t keep HER on the string and use HER till something better comes along for you. > > Yeah it’s not nice, but as long as you don’t have any money she can get at anyway, what are you out? The missing part of this equation is the boyfriend. He’s essentially paying a woman to cheat on him. Clueless, but I don’t think he deserves that. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/47 "2009-08-28T17:04:36Z")
On the off chance that **Quasi** slogs through the whole thread, I’m hoping we get a clarification re. the whole ‘financially dependent’ thing. Did she lose her job? Is she living with him in New York city in a great apartment that either she can’t afford or that neither of them could afford alone? Do they have investments together? is she disabled and counting on his insurance (though I’m not sure how that would work if they’re not common law)? In this day and age, if it’s simply ‘I don’t have a job, he does,’ well, that doesn’t say much about her character. Even if she has major debts and can’t find a job because of the economy. If she’s staying with this guy because of his money, then there’s nothing to indicate she wouldn’t start a relationship with another guy… based on _his_ money. I will say, though, in her defense, that I’ve seen her type at the end of a long-term relationship. Even if they cheat, even if they are no longer attracted to their partner, there is this sense that they’ve _invested_ so much in it. They think fizzling out, breaking it off without good reason seems like such a sad end to half a decade (as if the examples above aren’t good reasons). Which, again, isn’t fair to **Quasi**. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/48 "2009-08-28T17:34:19Z")
Forgot to mention the other ‘financially dependent’ possibility, though it would be a major omission on her or the OP’s part – they’ve got kids and she’s a stay-at-home mom. ---
**Author:** ![RedSwinglineOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a9adbd/32.png) [@RedSwinglineOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedSwinglineOne)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/49 "2009-08-28T18:28:25Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > … even though we are an AMAZING match… The problem is, the two of you are not an amazing match. The three of you are. Here’s the thing about women. They are very demanding. They are looking for a man that will satisfy their every need. If they don’t get everything they need, they may find it elsewhere. He may very well be the perfect guy, except he flirts with other girls and does not appreciate her love of ‘hello kitty’, memorabelia. Then she meets you, and you satisfy her “I’m the best he can get and he would never look at another girl” need. Problem is, you may not satisfy her “He’s a gorgeous, hard to tie down stud who can have any women he wants, and he wants me” need. I don’t know your situation, but my point is that its very easy to get involved with women in relationships by providing the one thing they are missing from their current relationship. If she thought you could satisfy all her needs, she would find a way to leave him for you. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/50 "2009-08-28T19:26:04Z")
Hey, **Quasi** …just remember…we’re not judging you, we are judging your situation. Let us know how you are feeling. I know you can’t be feeling good right now, but I think virtually all of us are looking out after you from a neutral third person stance. We don’t want to see a fellow Doper a year or two down the road start a thread about his girlfriend cheating on him. Let us know what you’re feeling. ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/51 "2009-08-28T20:34:44Z")
> [@RedSwinglineOne](#): > > The problem is, the two of you are not an amazing match. The three of you are. > Here’s the thing about women. They are very demanding. They are looking for a man that will satisfy their every need. If they don’t get everything they need, they may find it elsewhere. He may very well be the perfect guy, except he flirts with other girls and does not appreciate her love of ‘hello kitty’, memorabelia. > Then she meets you, and you satisfy her “I’m the best he can get and he would never look at another girl” need. Problem is, you may not satisfy her “He’s a gorgeous, hard to tie down stud who can have any women he wants, and he wants me” need. > > I don’t know your situation, but my point is that its very easy to get involved with women in relationships by providing the one thing they are missing from their current relationship. If she thought you could satisfy all her needs, she would find a way to leave him for you. Here’s the thing about people - if they’re in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling all their needs, they seek to get those needs fulfilled either outside and in addition to the relationship or in an entirely new relationship. If they’re good, honest people, they choose the latter option. Being female has nothing to do with it and making it seem as though it does makes you come off as someone who’s bitter and misogynistic. I hope I can say that even though this isn’t the pit. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/52 "2009-08-28T20:41:13Z")
You deserve someone better. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/53 "2009-08-28T23:59:36Z")
> [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > Hey, **Quasi** …just remember…we’re not judging you, we are judging your situation. … I think virtually all of us are looking out after you from a neutral third person stance. We don’t want to see a fellow Doper a year or two down the road start a thread about his girlfriend cheating on him. Yes, that. I’ve seen so many otherwise-normal people get into these situations. Easy to point fingers and pontificate, and sure I’ve posted about the more bizarre cases over here myself, but I’ve seen the true anguish that can result, that indeed has resulted. It’s not pretty. People dump on the guys who come to Thailand and lose their hearts to bargirls or even seemingly ordinary “good” girls, but this same thing happens at home, too. Unfortunately, people usually need to make their own mistakes. How many of us have not later on down the road thought a particular piece of advice should have been heeded, be it about romance or something else? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703/54 "2009-08-29T06:20:39Z")
Here are a few things I observed over the years. First of all, a lot of women are whores. Not to sound mysogynistic, because it works both ways, but I am talking from the male perspective. Basically these are women (often very young) who either learn at an early age that men mostly value them for sex or through observation have associated sex with some sort of personal validation. So they will constantly be on the lookout for a bigger, better deal, cheat on their SO when they get into an argument or feel bad about themselves, or sleep around in order to obtain status or even drugs or just for the drama of it. And they don’t necessarily look or dress like bus-station skanks. They can look like a sweat and nice girl next door and next thing you know, they are blowing the entire lacrosse team behind your back. The danger is if you fall in love with a girl like that early in your dating career, it can really fuck a guy up. A guy might start to think that EVERY woman is like that and they treat them accordingly. Then you really will become a mysogynistic asshole who treats women like whores. And like a self-fullfilling prophecy, that is all you will seem to ever encounter. So the only advice I can give is that there ARE nice women out there. I’m not saying you should be looking for some virginal pure thing. Just demand respect and integrity like you would from anyone else and if they aren’t providing it, cut them loose immediately. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-real-relationship-advice/507703.md?page=2)