# I need some good epitaphs! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 20, 2000, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627 "2000-10-20T03:39:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tabithina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f04885/32.png) [@Tabithina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabithina)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/1 "2000-10-20T03:39:19Z")
My son and I are going to turn the front yard into a graveyard for halloween, and I need more ideas for hilarious headstones. We want to make about ten cardboard “graves”. My creativity has fled and I need your help. All I can think of at the moment is something like: Here lies Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Writer “At last a decent plot” Can you help? Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/2 "2000-10-20T03:47:07Z")
I always liked the one Blackadder wanted on his grave: “Here lies Edmund Blackadder. And he’s bloody annoyed.” ---
**Author:** ![Renton\_lvr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7feea3/32.png) [@Renton\_lvr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renton_lvr)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/3 "2000-10-20T04:20:27Z")
Beneath this grassy mound now rests One Edgar Oscar Earl, Who to another hunter looked Exactly like a squirrel Here lies the body of Thomas Proctor Who lived and died without a doctor. Here lies the body of William Jay Who died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong. ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/4 "2000-10-20T12:40:42Z")
I can’t remember where I heard this one, but I want “I told you I was sick”. I think it would work for your purposes as well. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/5 "2000-10-20T12:48:21Z")
Elvis- Accept it. Disco. ---
**Author:** ![fierra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58956e/32.png) [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/6 "2000-10-20T12:49:44Z")
Here lies the dentist John McTavity, Now he’s filling his last cavity. And part of a genuine one on someone’s grave: > [@](#): > > Here lies x shot by his ADC. > > Well done, thou good & faithful servant. ---
**Author:** ![hflathead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecb155/32.png) [@hflathead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hflathead)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/7 "2000-10-20T12:59:55Z")
In this grave lies little Mike, I told him not to touch my bike. This Trick or Treater lies six feet under, came to my house to trick and plunder. Here lies the neighborhood Bard, he let his dog crap in my yard! just a few, later, Tom. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/8 "2000-10-20T13:03:26Z")
I always liked WC Fields: I’d rather be in Philidelphia Or Grampa Simpson’s: This ain’t so bad… ---
**Author:** ![hflathead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecb155/32.png) [@hflathead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hflathead)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/9 "2000-10-20T13:05:36Z")
What are you using for the tomb stones. I found that the 1’x4’x1" styrofoam panels at Homey Depot are cheap and look really good if you glue 2 together. You can carve different shapes with them and get some great looks with some very lightly applied black and grey spraypaint. Break some edges off for that 'chipped look and use latex for the lettering so it won’t ‘melt’ the foam. later, Tom ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/10 "2000-10-20T13:10:45Z")
Here lies the body of Ann Mann Who lived an old maid And died an old Mann Afflictions sore full long she bore Physicians was in vain Till death released the dear deceased And left her a Remain The Clay that rests beneath this Stone As Silas Wood was widely Known Now I hear you ask what Good It was to me to be S. Wood O Man, let not Ambition trouble you Is the Advice of Silas W. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/11 "2000-10-20T13:17:40Z")
I remember these from Ripley’s Believe it or Not cartoons. Some of these, I suspect, are Not. But that shouldn’t affect your use of them. Once I wasn’t, then I was, now I ain’t AGAIN Here beneath this stone we lie Back to back, my wife and I And when the angel’s trump shall trill If she gets up, then I’ll lie still John Yeast Pardon me for not rising Haine Hain’t Lester Moore Four Slugs from a .44 No Les No Moore (As I’ve noted before,highly unlikely) ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/12 "2000-10-20T13:18:55Z")
One from the Old West: Here lies Lester Moore Four shots from a .44 No Les No Moore ---
**Author:** ![Tabithina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f04885/32.png) [@Tabithina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabithina)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/13 "2000-10-20T13:43:17Z")
Thanks, everyone! These are great. Keep 'em coming.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sn-man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sn-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sn-man)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/14 "2000-10-20T14:22:44Z")
One just made up: Here lies Johnathan Tate, At the end of a rope he met his fate… A few real ones: Here is where ??? lies Nobody laughs, nobody cries Where he goes, how he fares Nobody knows, nobody cares Owen Moore Gone away Owin’ more Than he could pay. William Wilson Here Lieth W.W. Who never more will Trouble you, trouble you. Paul Lennis Swank Here under the dung of the cows and sheep, Lies an old highclimber fast asleep. His trees all topped and his lines all hung, They say the old rascal died full of rum. Elizabeth Rich 36-33-01-24-17 Honey you dont know what you did for me, always playing the lottery. The numbers you picked came in to play, two days after you passed away. For this, a huge monument I do erect, for now I get a yearly check. How I wish you were alive, for now we are worth 8.5 Edgar Allan Poe Quoth the Raven nevermore. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/15 "2000-10-20T14:31:36Z")
under the guy’s name it says: Thanks for stopping by! ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/16 "2000-10-20T15:32:09Z")
“Wake me when the show starts.” I was gonna use that for myself but now I’m going to be cremated, so you go ahead and use it if you like. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/17 "2000-10-20T16:05:52Z")
Here lyeth ye body of MARTHA DIAS always noisy not very pious Who live to ye age of 3 score and 10 And gave to worms What she refus’d to men. _Shropshire, England c. 1675_ ---
**Author:** ![Orbifold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/779978/32.png) [@Orbifold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orbifold)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2000, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/18 "2000-10-21T03:35:15Z")
Two that I remember reading somewhere when I was a kid: Here lies the body of Herbert Snoot. He almost learned to parachute. and: Here lies the body of Six-Gun McGraw. His mother-in-law was quick on the draw. ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2000, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/19 "2000-10-21T04:05:55Z")
From Prof. Peter Shickele’s book **The Definitive Biography of P.D.Q. Bach** , P.D.Q. Bach 1807-1742 Here lies a man with sundry flaws And numerous sins upon his head; We buried him today because As far as we can tell, he’s dead. The book goes on to say that “Eventually P.D.Q. Bach’s family was successful in having him moved [from his mausoleum] to an unmarked pauper’s grave.” ---
**Author:** ![DVous\_Means](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@DVous\_Means](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DVous_Means)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2000, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627/20 "2000-10-21T05:55:35Z")
Beneath this sod lies another… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-good-epitaphs/37627.md?page=2)