# I need some terrible fake idioms/sayings **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 22, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105 "2015-12-22T16:00:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![AlsoNamedBort](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alsonamedbort/32/3213_2.png) [@AlsoNamedBort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AlsoNamedBort)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/1 "2015-12-22T16:00:08Z")
In a couple weeks, I’ll be participating in a murder mystery for a friend’s birthday. I received my bio today, and I’ll be playing a retired Victorian colonel who may or may not be addicted to opium. Anyway, according to my bio: > [@](#): > > Thurgood is a fan of idioms: “It’s like the general always used to say, ‘you can lead a horse to water, but…’”. However, I think it would be better to use idioms that don’t really make any sense. Something that sounds like a real idiom, but when you think about it you go “wait, what?” I’m not as creative, so give us your best! ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/2 "2015-12-22T16:03:27Z")
I’d steal from Terry Pratchett, who slid more than a few idioms sideways. I’m only remembering a couple off hand. The leopard can’t change his shorts. We’ve passed a lot of water over the bridge since then. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/3 "2015-12-22T16:30:14Z")
It’s like catching eels in December. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/4 "2015-12-22T16:32:54Z")
Never meddle in the the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. A stopped clock never boils. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/5 "2015-12-22T16:33:33Z")
“It’s an old road that nobody wants to hoe.” “Once rotten, twice ripe, as my dear old mother used to say.” Or if you want your character to have pretensions to erudition, you could try misquoting Polonius from _Hamlet_. “Neither a burglar nor a lender be. Give every man thy tongue, but few thy ear. Beware of entrance to a quarry.” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/6 "2015-12-22T16:36:00Z")
John Caldwell’s “Well that’s ice in the old urinal.” [Or this one.](http://www.caldwellcartoons.com/vintage.php?image=10) ---
**Author:** ![madsircool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madsircool/32/3432_2.png) [@madsircool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madsircool)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/7 "2015-12-22T16:38:52Z")
You can lead Zoid to opium but you cant make her stop A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/8 "2015-12-22T16:39:09Z")
Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart is a character from Dr. Who. Here are some of his quotes: Oh, dear. Women. Not really my field. The situation is normal, and it doesn’t get much worse than that. You know, just once I’d like to meet an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets. Er, well, a fifty foot monster can’t swim up the Thames and attack a large building without some people noticing.But you know what politicians are like ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/9 "2015-12-22T16:49:51Z")
“Well, I’d say that’s better than a Scotsman’s ham!” “Rather a long trouser, don’t you think?” “Better hump it while the sun shines, my boy!” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/10 "2015-12-22T16:51:17Z")
My favorite: That TV ain’t gonna watch itself. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/11 "2015-12-22T16:56:19Z")
> [@madsircool](#): > > A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand Even better: “A bird in the bush is worth two in the bosom.” (Sounding vaguely obscene is a bonus.) ---
**Author:** ![Yodalicious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yodalicious/32/8195_2.png) [@Yodalicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yodalicious)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/12 "2015-12-22T17:05:10Z")
“I guess the foot’s on the other hand now!” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/13 "2015-12-22T17:07:48Z")
I’ll just offer one that I used to say accidentally and now say deliberately. “Well, that puts a monkey in the wrench!” ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/14 "2015-12-22T17:08:29Z")
It’s six of one, a dozen of the other. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/15 "2015-12-22T17:18:28Z")
Slower than molasses in May. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/16 "2015-12-22T17:19:33Z")
How very touchwarming! ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/17 "2015-12-22T17:23:45Z")
From CHARADE: Audrey Hepburn: Well, wasn’t it Shakespeare that said, “When strangers do meet in far off lands, they should e’er long see each other again”? Cary Grant: Shakespeare never said that! Audrey Hepburn: How do you know? Cary Grant: It’s terrible! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/18 "2015-12-22T17:25:05Z")
My uncle used to say “Buenos roaches”. How about: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobectomy. In one rear and out the other. Opinions are like assholes: you put two opinions in a room, you get three assholes. If wishes were liches, beggars would die. Whining isn’t everything. Squeeze the day! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/19 "2015-12-22T17:25:32Z")
I know some recipes for cocktails that would pop the pennies off the eyelids of a dead Mexican. ( **NB:** The original line in _ **The Philadelphia Story** _ was “a dead Irishman.”) ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105/20 "2015-12-22T17:26:36Z")
Adios, muchacho, via con carne! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-need-some-terrible-fake-idioms-sayings/741105.md?page=2)