# I needs a help.

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [December 18, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752 "2009-12-18T16:55:58Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/1 "2009-12-18T16:55:58Z")

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Religious hyperpious holierthanthou must legislate adherence to my beliefs because my omnipotent god’s holiday (which I choose to not notice was cobbled together from other non-related religious traditions) is being usurped by the nonbelievers in an undeclared cultural war aimed at persecuting the righteous! The non-church going murderers of wombdwelling saints would give MY earthly possessions to OTHER children of my god! I can’t take it with me but I don’t want anyone else to have it because they didn’t earn it and they believe in a different avatar of my god who sent the one I believe in to us who bantered something about “give it all away, you won’t need it where you’re going and oh hey try and be nice to people you don’t like because maybe they’ll return the favor and that might spread…” and I know what he really meant was God hates fags and even thought my race and religion are The Best® and inherently superior to all others I must defend them because they are not somehow strong enough or Best® enough to resist degradation by the less powerful, inferiorer races and quasi-religions.

I try so hard not to be a hypocrite and hate these self-contradicting souls, but sometimes…. “Satan’s” temptations of avarice and pride have no affect on me, but my hypocritical desire to deride and destroy those who would deride and destroy those who challenge the rightness of their beliefs is truly gut-wrenching. To ignore another human in need is inhuman, but to acknowledge them is to feed the need that I believe destroys them further. Why the fuck is the rum gone?

Go ahead, pile on. I gives a damn.

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**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/2 "2009-12-18T16:59:51Z")

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> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#):
>
> Why the fuck is the rum gone?

I’m not sure, but I have an idea.

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**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/3 "2009-12-18T17:27:24Z")

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That read like one of those procedurally-generated text pieces.

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**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/4 "2009-12-18T17:46:02Z")

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> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#):
>
> Why the fuck is the rum gone?

That’s why it is so important to keep a spare bottle hidden behind the crock pot. Have you looked there?

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**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/5 "2009-12-18T17:47:44Z")

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LOOK BEHIND THE POT

Which pot, the crock pot or the cooking pot?

THE CROCK POT

You find nothing behind the crock pot.

I

You have:  
No rum.

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**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/6 "2009-12-18T17:50:17Z")

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> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#):
>
> Religious hyperpious holierthanthou must legislate adherence to my beliefs because my omnipotent god’s holiday (which I choose to not notice was cobbled together from other non-related religious traditions) is being usurped by the nonbelievers in an undeclared cultural war aimed at persecuting the righteous! The non-church going murderers of wombdwelling saints would give MY earthly possessions to OTHER children of my god! I can’t take it with me but I don’t want anyone else to have it because they didn’t earn it and they believe in a different avatar of my god who sent the one I believe in to us who bantered something about “give it all away, you won’t need it where you’re going and oh hey try and be nice to people you don’t like because maybe they’ll return the favor and that might spread…” and I know what he really meant was God hates fags and even thought my race and religion are The Best® and inherently superior to all others I must defend them because they are not somehow strong enough or Best® enough to resist degradation by the less powerful, inferiorer races and quasi-religions.

And a Happy New Year.

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**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/7 "2009-12-18T18:09:45Z")

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“I needs a help”? “I gives a damn”? The OP reads like it was generated by a bot with a bad Italian accent.

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**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/8 "2009-12-18T18:22:00Z")

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This is why the bong water should NOT be consumed, no matter how tempting it looks.

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**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/9 "2009-12-18T18:25:32Z")

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I totally agree with the OP.

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**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/10 "2009-12-18T18:28:28Z")

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> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#):
>
> Religious hyperpious holierthanthou must legislate adherence to my beliefs because my omnipotent god’s holiday (which I choose to not notice was cobbled together from other non-related religious traditions) is being usurped by the nonbelievers in an undeclared cultural war aimed at persecuting the righteous! The non-church going murderers of wombdwelling saints would give MY earthly possessions to OTHER children of my god! I can’t take it with me but I don’t want anyone else to have it because they didn’t earn it and they believe in a different avatar of my god who sent the one I believe in to us who bantered something about “give it all away, you won’t need it where you’re going and oh hey try and be nice to people you don’t like because maybe they’ll return the favor and that might spread…” and I know what he really meant was God hates fags and even thought my race and religion are The Best® and inherently superior to all others I must defend them because they are not somehow strong enough or Best® enough to resist degradation by the less powerful, inferiorer races and quasi-religions.
> 
> I try so hard not to be a hypocrite and hate these self-contradicting souls, but sometimes…. “Satan’s” temptations of avarice and pride have no affect on me, but my hypocritical desire to deride and destroy those who would deride and destroy those who challenge the rightness of their beliefs is truly gut-wrenching. To ignore another human in need is inhuman, but to acknowledge them is to feed the need that I believe destroys them further. Why the fuck is the rum gone?
> 
> Go ahead, pile on. I gives a damn.

Just realized that it’s true; everything _sounds_ better in French. Even if one can’t make heads or tails of it in either language…

> [@Courtesy of Babelfish English2French](#):
>
> Les besoins I une aide. La nécessité holierthanthou hyperpious religieuse légifèrent adhérence à ma croyance parce que les vacances d’un mon dieu omnipotent (que je choisis de ne pas noter ai été pavé en cailloutis ensemble d’autres traditions religieuses non apparentées) sont usurpées par les non-croyants dans une guerre culturelle non déclarée visée persécutant le juste ! Les meurtriers allants de non-église des saints wombdwelling donneraient MES possessions terrestres à d’AUTRES enfants de mon dieu ! Je ne peux pas la prendre avec moi mais je ne veux pas que n’importe qui autrement l’ait parce qu’ils ne l’ont pas gagné et ils croient en avatar différent de mon dieu qui a envoyé celui que je crois dedans à nous au sujet des lesquels a plaisanté quelque chose « le donnent tout loin, vous n’aurez pas besoin de lui où vous allez et oh hé essai et être gentil aux gens vous n’aimez pas parce que peut-être ils renverront la faveur et cela pourrait écarter… » et je sais ce qu’a vraiment voulu dire il étaient les sèches de haines de Dieu et ont même pensé que ma course et religion sont le Best® et en soi le supérieur à tous les autres que je dois les défendre parce qu’elles ne sont pas de façon ou d’autre assez fortes ou assez Best® pour résister à la dégradation par moins le puissant, inferiorer emballe et des quasi-religions.
> 
> J’essaye ainsi ne pas être dur un hypocrite et ne pas détester ces âmes d’individu-contradiction, mais parfois…. Les tentations de « Satan » de l’avarice et de la fierté n’ont aucun affect sur moi, mais mon désir hypocrite de moquer et détruire de ceux qui moqueraient et détruiraient de ceux qui contestent l’exactitude de leur croyance est vraiment gut-wrenching. Pour ignorer un autre humain dans le besoin est inhumain, mais les reconnaître sont d’alimenter le besoin que je crois les détruit plus loin. Pourquoi la baise le rhum est-il allé ?
> 
> Avancent, la pile dessus. I donne un rien.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/11 "2009-12-18T18:32:46Z")

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GIVE A DAMN

You don’t have any damn. Damn not given.

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**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/12 "2009-12-18T18:36:00Z")

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I disagree. It sounds better in Russian.  
Религиозные hyperpious holierthanthou обязаны принимать законодательные присоединение к моим убеждениям, потому что праздник моего всемогущего Бога (которую я выбираю не заметить было мощеных вместе с другими не связанными религиозной традиции), в настоящее время узурпировано неверующих в необъявленной культурной войне, направленной на преследование праведный! Non-церковь собирается убийцы wombdwelling святые отдал бы земные владения другими детьми Боже мой! Я не могу взять ее с собой, но я не хочу кого-либо еще есть, потому что они не зарабатывают, и они верят в различные аватары моего Бога, Который послал, как я полагаю, чтобы кто-то подтрунивали о " Give It All Away, вам не придется его там, где вы собираетесь и Hey Oh попытаться приятно людям не нравится, может быть, потому что они вернутся пользу и что может распространиться … "и я знаю, что он на самом деле имел в виду Бог ненавидит сигареты и даже думал, что моя раса и религия являются лучшими ® и по своей сути превосходит все другие, я должен защищать их, поскольку они не являются каким-то достаточно сильной или Best ® достаточно, чтобы противостоять деградации менее мощный, inferiorer расами и квази - религиям.

Я так стараться не быть лицемером и ненавижу этих самоуправления противоречащим душ, но иногда … “Сатана” соблазнов корыстолюбия и гордости не влияют на меня, но мои желания лицемерной осмеять и уничтожить тех, кто будет высмеивать и уничтожить тех, кто оспаривает правильность своих убеждений действительно выворачивающий. Чтобы игнорировать другому человеку в беде бесчеловечным, но признать их кормить это необходимо, что я считаю, разрушает их дальше. Почему это ебать ром ушел?

Вперед, на куче. Я дает Черт.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/13 "2009-12-18T18:36:23Z")

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Can I have Glen Canyon damn?

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**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/14 "2009-12-18T18:37:47Z")

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And back from French to English again

> [@](#):
>
> Originally Posted by Courtesy off Babelfish Needs I a help. The religious need holierthanthou hyperpious legislate adherence with my belief because the holidays d’ one my omnipotent god (whom I choose not to note was pavement cobblestone together d’ other nonrelated religious traditions) are usurped by the unbelievers in a cultural war not declared aimed persecuting the Juste! The active murderers of not-church of the saints wombdwelling would give MY terrestrial possessions to d’ OTHER children of my god! I cannot take it with me but I do not want only n’ import which differently l’ parce qu’ has; they l’ did not gain and they believe in misadventure different from my god who sent that I believe inside in us about which joked something “give it far, you n’ will not need him where you go and oh He test and nice being with people you n’ do not like because perhaps they will return the favour and that could draw aside…” and I know this qu’ really he meant was them dry of hatreds of God and even thought that my race and religion are Best® and in oneself the superior with all the others which I must defend them parce qu’ they are not way or d’ other rather strong or enough Best® to resist degradation per less the powerful one, inferiorer packs and of the quasi-religions. J’ thus try not to be hard a hypocrite and not to hate these hearts d’ individual-contradiction, but sometimes…. Temptations of “Satan” of l’ avarice and of the pride n’ no affect on me, but my hypocritical desire has to make fun and destroy those which would make fun and destroy those which dispute l’ exactitude of their belief is really gut-wrenching. To be unaware of another human in the need is inhuman, but to recognize them are d’ to feed the need that I believe destroys them further. Why does he kiss it rum went? Advance, the pile above. I gives one nothing.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/15 "2009-12-18T18:40:44Z")

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_My_ omnipotent god is pavement cobblestone of nonrelated religious traditions! What a coincidence!

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/16 "2009-12-18T18:43:06Z")

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> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#):
>
> _My_ omnipotent god is pavement cobblestone of nonrelated religious traditions! What a coincidence!

Thatsa _spicy_ meatball!!

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/17 "2009-12-18T18:47:20Z")

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And we’re back to the Flying Spaghetti Monster - funny how that always happens.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/18 "2009-12-18T18:55:51Z")

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> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#):
>
> I totally agree with the OP.

I also agree, by way of the fact that I can’t find anything in there that I DISagree with…

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/19 "2009-12-18T19:04:08Z")

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> [@Munch](#):
>
> I also agree, by way of the fact that I can’t find anything in there that I DISagree with…

Sort of like arguing with a bar of Dr. Bronner’s.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\
**Post date:** [December 18, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-needs-a-help/521752/20 "2009-12-18T19:04:26Z")

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> [@Enderw24](#):
>
> And back from French to English again

I am reminded of Lt. Uhura trying to translate into Klingonese.

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