A few of you who keep track of things around here may recall that I am working my way through a depression right now. It has been getting worse again in spite of the medication that I am on which seemed to be working for the first two months. A lot worse.
Taking the advice of some people both on and off this MB, I picked up a few new hobbies. I am learning classical guitar. Part of doing so means that I have grown the fingernails on my right hand. I am rather obsessed with keeping my nails clean and have taken to using the can opener on my swiss army knife to clean the gunk out from under the nails.
A few days ago, I was sitting on the front steps cleaning my nails while my two kids were drawing on the front walk and otherwise doing what four and two year olds do when I had a vision of me plunging the knife into my stomach! I can honestly say I have never had such a terrifying experience in my life. I have never contemplated suicide before. It came out of no where. I just stared at the knife for what seemed an eternity. When I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and put the knife quickly away. I am pretty sure that I would not have gone through with it but the vision in my mind is still vivid, as is the feeling of shock.
I have made an appointment to see my doctor and made sure that this was the earliest I could possibly get in with him. I intend to get referred as he is only a GP and I think I would be more comfortable being with a specialist.
Someone who I would consider a friend let me know that the only phrase that could be applied to any life situation is “this too shall pass”. I am holding to that but it is getting harder each day. Thanks Ani.
I know from years of lurking that there are those here who have dealt with something similar to this as well as much more severe issues. Any insight would be great.
Can meds work for a while and then stop? Was it all a placebo effect? Or were they working but I took a turn for the worse? Or…?