# I Pit Babale

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-babale/1016738>\
**Category:** The BBQ Pit\
**Created:** [April 7, 2025, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-babale/1016738 "2025-04-07T14:59:40Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 1\
**Showing post:** 476

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![DemonTree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demontree/32/8646_2.png) [@DemonTree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DemonTree)\
**Post date:** [May 12, 2025, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-babale/1016738/476 "2025-05-12T15:19:05Z")

</div>

> [@Should accusations of gaslighting be treated as accusations of lying?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-accusations-of-gaslighting-be-treated-as-accusations-of-lying/1018149/19):
>
> But I (and probably others) was denying what I thought you said. Not denying what you apparently meant to say.
> 
> We can’t automatically guess what you mean, no matter how sincerely you mean it.
> 
> So it seems to me that misunderstanding is still the issue; and that if people appear to be denying something that you’re sure happens, the first thing to do is to make sure that they understood what you meant.

Replying here because it’s not really suitable for ATMB, and we were discussing the topic in this thread earlier.

I’ve been thinking about this, and I don’t believe the issue is simple misunderstanding. I think it’s defensiveness. I, and to a lesser extent @Babale, are outsiders criticising a group most of the other posters see themselves as belonging to. And criticism from outsiders is not taken well in general. Tends to lead to circling of wagons and fear that admission of any shortcomings will be used to attack the group as a whole.

So the impulse is to assume the worst possible meaning of what I said, and deny it. Would more careful language on my part help? Surely it would, but it would still be an uphill struggle to be understood, and to stop people jumping off on wrong assumptions. It’s a lot of work, and quite frankly I’m not always willing to put that effort in. Only because @Babale started a discussion here did I continue.

Communication is hard enough when everyone is trying to understand, let alone when the other person is paranoid about admitting anything out of fear it will be used against them or their ingroup.

---

_[View the full topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-babale/1016738)._