# I pit chess **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 30, 2012, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366 "2012-10-30T21:56:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![J\_Cubed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c6cbf5/32.png) [@J\_Cubed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/J_Cubed)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/21 "2012-10-31T05:48:08Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > My pawn crossed to the other side You are playing a game with infantry whose idea of nirvana is transmogrifying into cross-dressing royalty, and you’re pissed because there’s not enough flesh eating?!? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/22 "2012-10-31T07:42:10Z")
[**MegaHAL** CHESS IS A FUN SPORT, WHEN PLAYED WITH SHOT GUNS.](http://megahal.alioth.debian.org/Classic.html) ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/23 "2012-10-31T09:50:36Z")
If you have 2 queens and get stalemated by a lone king, then you are really, really bad at chess and in a fair world the computer would be pitting you. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/24 "2012-10-31T10:06:06Z")
> [@Darth\_Panda](#): > > If you have 2 queens and get stalemated by a lone king, then you are really, really bad at chess and in a fair world the computer would be pitting you. To be fair, the king did have a shotgun. ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/25 "2012-10-31T10:09:04Z")
> [@Darth\_Panda](#): > > If you have 2 queens and get stalemated by a lone king, then you are really, really bad at chess and in a fair world the computer would be pitting you. HAHAHA! Good! 😃 But at least computer chess software doesn’t blurt out bullshit like, “Ooooooo! You’re really gonna use the Russian/Klingon offense against ME,” like asshole humans I played after I moved my first chess piece. At least if you play people like them, it’s over in a flash. If you play chess idiots (myself included), you’re waiting for your opponent to try and remember how that stupid horse-thing moves. Always felt the Knight piece was a severely epileptic horse the way it moves around that stupid board. Now I digress and load “Free Chess” on my iPhone and see if I can finally tackle the easy level. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Barchetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/da6949/32.png) [@Red\_Barchetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Barchetta)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/26 "2012-10-31T10:23:26Z")
Fantastic pitting. It’s a shame the assholes afterward had to ruin it :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/27 "2012-10-31T11:01:07Z")
To be fair, I did enjoy really the OP regardless. Bravo on use of language, if not queens. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/28 "2012-10-31T11:39:57Z")
OP: You should brush up on some other variations of Chess. Since you already know how to play Chinese Chess, I recommend Korean Chess for you. After you’ve discovered that game to be a bit more active than Chinese Chess, then you can move onto Japanese Chess. Feel free to look up these and other variations at [this site](http://www.chessvariants.org/). And if you can’t find someone to play Korean Chess with you, I’m available to play via E-mail. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/29 "2012-10-31T11:50:42Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > I play often with younger players, or with co-workers who aren’t particularly good. The etiquette of announcing check seems to work well. If you don’t need it, well, that’s cool too. > > (I used to work in a department where nobody said “Thank you.” It was self-evident, and just slowed things down. We got it all out of the way at the company Christmas Party. I’ve also worked at places where people do say thank you, and I very, very much prefer that. Thank you.) OP – terrific rant. Not to hijack, but Trinopus – how awful to work where “thank you” is forbidden, for efficiency reasons! I can barely imagine where this could be an issue. Stock exchange trading floor? Wartime manufacturing assembly line? Some situation where crystal clear audible communications are crucial, like airborne search and rescue? Or where silence is valued, like certain Buddhist monks? ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/30 "2012-10-31T14:00:45Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > OP: You should brush up on some other variations of Chess. Since you already know how to play Chinese Chess, I recommend Korean Chess for you. After you’ve discovered that game to be a bit more active than Chinese Chess, then you can move onto Japanese Chess. > > Feel free to look up these and other variations at [this site](http://www.chessvariants.org/). And if you can’t find someone to play Korean Chess with you, I’m available to play via E-mail. Alternatively, he can take up chess-boxing, and then, even though he’ll be getting trounced at chess, at least he’ll be able to punch his opponent legitimately. ---
**Author:** ![justrob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9adbd/32.png) [@justrob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justrob)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/31 "2012-10-31T14:27:23Z")
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the craftsmanship of the OP, I just think if you always lose in chess and blow a definite win you deserve a little derision. **YogSosoth** , eat me! 😃 (sorry, couldn’t help it) On a more helpful note since you say you like the carnage let me suggest [Kung-fu Chess](http://kung-fu-chess.en.softonic.com/). ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/32 "2012-10-31T14:27:25Z")
How about a nice game of Thermonuclear War? > [@Mr\_Shine](#): > > (And no you don’t need to\* actually\* announce check, like they generally do on TV. People who do it sound like idiots, as it should be self-evident. I will announce a check if I’m not playing a timed game against an opponent. In a timed game, every second they spend contemplating a move that doesn’t remove them from check is a second closer to a victory on time. In an untimed game, every second they spend contemplating illegal moves is a second I’m not getting back from my life. Hurry up. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/33 "2012-10-31T14:31:17Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Chess is like a schoolyard fight between the most unpopular nerds at a eunuch pre-school. Perhaps… but one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/34 "2012-10-31T14:40:49Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > Alternatively, he can take up chess-boxing, and then, even though he’ll be getting trounced at chess, at least he’ll be able to punch his opponent legitimately. Better yet, he could take up [Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjKrCQOE3i4)! ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/35 "2012-10-31T14:41:52Z")
Ever seen the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer? Don’t tell me there’s no hate when the kid says “Trick or Treat.” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/36 "2012-10-31T16:19:15Z")
> [@Mr\_Shine](#): > > You probably know this already and are just ranting, but the other 2 things that could have happened. > > 1. You reached the exact same position for the 3rd time > 2. Your opponent could not make a move that would not open his king to the threat of being “eaten”, but was not actually checked. (Stalemate) > > Whilst I have no problem with the idea that players who carelessly fail to notice their king is in check should have his king “eaten”, removing genuine stalemates would definitely harm the game. (And no you don’t need to\* actually\* announce check, like they generally do on TV. People who do it sound like idiots, as it should be self-evident. WTF? Who makes up a game like that? Exact same position for the 3rd time? If I fuck the creator of chess’s mother 3 times, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get pregnant, it means she’s a whore, and she loses, and probably has STDs. They should take into account that I had 2 motherfucking queens and give me the victory. In no world where a king gets a threesome with 2 queens while another king watches is there a stalemate. I don’t want to live in a world like that ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/37 "2012-10-31T16:20:52Z")
Life would be dull if we all liked the same things, and there’s no shame in not being able to play well, but… duuude, how lame do you have to be to blame the entire game for your own bumbling incompetence? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/38 "2012-10-31T16:29:58Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > WTF? Who makes up a game like that? Exact same position for the 3rd time? Guess you’re not all that up on the rules of Chinese Chess after all. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/39 "2012-10-31T16:30:32Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > how fucking Monopoly should end (don’t ask me how I would work that into the game, I haven’t thought that far yet). That’s pretty easy. When someone goes bankrupt, the player that bankrupted them gets all of their property and money, and gets to kill that person, but then the person’s flesh gets auctioned off by the bank. If no one bids, then the corpse goes on to Free Parking. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366/40 "2012-10-31T16:37:45Z")
> [@bashere](#): > > (also, in my experience, speed chess is played by people with…anger management issues. I’m not implying it would be more your game, just sort of insinuating it) That’s ok. Just answer me this: Is speed chess played by people with punchable faces? Cause after this debacle, I won’t ever play chess again unless there is a punchable face sitting across from me > [@J\_Cubed](#): > > You are playing a game with infantry whose idea of nirvana is transmogrifying into cross-dressing royalty, and you’re pissed because there’s not enough flesh eating?!? Ok, I may have spoken too soon. I’ll reconsider it. But my pawns are women, so there will be no cross dressing involved. Why women? I like staring at their butts when they line up in front of me > [@Malacandra](#): > > Life would be dull if we all liked the same things, and there’s no shame in not being able to play well, but… duuude, how lame do you have to be to blame the entire game for your own bumbling incompetence? 😛 I really suck at chess. I can’t play it unless there’s the threat of death involved. I think I would be good at human chess, where my hostages dress up like pieces and is played on a giant chessboard and captured pieces are murdered right there on the field of battle. Its harder than you’d imagine to get people to sign up for that [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-chess/639366.md?page=3)