You are playing a game with infantry whose idea of nirvana is transmogrifying into cross-dressing royalty, and you’re pissed because there’s not enough flesh eating?!?
If you have 2 queens and get stalemated by a lone king, then you are really, really bad at chess and in a fair world the computer would be pitting you.
To be fair, the king did have a shotgun.
HAHAHA! Good! 
But at least computer chess software doesn’t blurt out bullshit like, “Ooooooo! You’re really gonna use the Russian/Klingon offense against ME,” like asshole humans I played after I moved my first chess piece.
At least if you play people like them, it’s over in a flash. If you play chess idiots (myself included), you’re waiting for your opponent to try and remember how that stupid horse-thing moves. Always felt the Knight piece was a severely epileptic horse the way it moves around that stupid board.
Now I digress and load “Free Chess” on my iPhone and see if I can finally tackle the easy level. 
Fantastic pitting. It’s a shame the assholes afterward had to ruin it :mad:
To be fair, I did enjoy really the OP regardless. Bravo on use of language, if not queens.
OP: You should brush up on some other variations of Chess. Since you already know how to play Chinese Chess, I recommend Korean Chess for you. After you’ve discovered that game to be a bit more active than Chinese Chess, then you can move onto Japanese Chess.
Feel free to look up these and other variations at this site. And if you can’t find someone to play Korean Chess with you, I’m available to play via E-mail.
OP – terrific rant.
Not to hijack, but Trinopus – how awful to work where “thank you” is forbidden, for efficiency reasons! I can barely imagine where this could be an issue. Stock exchange trading floor? Wartime manufacturing assembly line? Some situation where crystal clear audible communications are crucial, like airborne search and rescue? Or where silence is valued, like certain Buddhist monks?
Alternatively, he can take up chess-boxing, and then, even though he’ll be getting trounced at chess, at least he’ll be able to punch his opponent legitimately.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the craftsmanship of the OP, I just think if you always lose in chess and blow a definite win you deserve a little derision.
YogSosoth, eat me! 
(sorry, couldn’t help it)
On a more helpful note since you say you like the carnage let me suggest Kung-fu Chess.
How about a nice game of Thermonuclear War?
I will announce a check if I’m not playing a timed game against an opponent. In a timed game, every second they spend contemplating a move that doesn’t remove them from check is a second closer to a victory on time.
In an untimed game, every second they spend contemplating illegal moves is a second I’m not getting back from my life. Hurry up.
Perhaps… but one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.
Better yet, he could take up Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess!
Ever seen the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer? Don’t tell me there’s no hate when the kid says “Trick or Treat.”
WTF? Who makes up a game like that? Exact same position for the 3rd time? If I fuck the creator of chess’s mother 3 times, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get pregnant, it means she’s a whore, and she loses, and probably has STDs. They should take into account that I had 2 motherfucking queens and give me the victory. In no world where a king gets a threesome with 2 queens while another king watches is there a stalemate. I don’t want to live in a world like that
Life would be dull if we all liked the same things, and there’s no shame in not being able to play well, but… duuude, how lame do you have to be to blame the entire game for your own bumbling incompetence? 
Guess you’re not all that up on the rules of Chinese Chess after all.
That’s pretty easy. When someone goes bankrupt, the player that bankrupted them gets all of their property and money, and gets to kill that person, but then the person’s flesh gets auctioned off by the bank. If no one bids, then the corpse goes on to Free Parking.
That’s ok. Just answer me this: Is speed chess played by people with punchable faces? Cause after this debacle, I won’t ever play chess again unless there is a punchable face sitting across from me
Ok, I may have spoken too soon. I’ll reconsider it. But my pawns are women, so there will be no cross dressing involved. Why women? I like staring at their butts when they line up in front of me
I really suck at chess. I can’t play it unless there’s the threat of death involved. I think I would be good at human chess, where my hostages dress up like pieces and is played on a giant chessboard and captured pieces are murdered right there on the field of battle. Its harder than you’d imagine to get people to sign up for that