# I pit environmentalists who want to do away with soft toilet paper. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 24, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385 "2009-09-24T16:43:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![UncleNito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7cd45c/32.png) [@UncleNito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleNito)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/21 "2009-09-24T23:12:17Z")
Fuck, I’m still mad about low-flow toilets. Now I’ll have to work the plunger and flush six times with one hand while I scratch my raw anus with the other? I drive a Civic and use an old-fashioned push mower. I start my charcoal with junk mail instead of lighter fluid. Let me keep my Cottonelle. ---
**Author:** ![MOIDALIZE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@MOIDALIZE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MOIDALIZE)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/22 "2009-09-24T23:31:43Z")
Man up, sissies. I use Scott and I don’t go around bellyaching and holding my butt. You can take your fancy quilted toilet paper and, uh…stick it up your ass. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/23 "2009-09-25T00:48:49Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > You realize what the Australian ad campaign will be. Bidet mate! Unfortunately, your average Australian is not noted for their familiarity with French, and thus many of them would likely pronounce it as “Bidett”, missing the point of the pun entirely… ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/24 "2009-09-25T01:01:00Z")
I know a fellow who taught (outdoor ed) the use of a stick rather than toilet paper. In terms of reduce, reuse and recycle, it was reuse being more environmentally friendly than recycle. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/25 "2009-09-25T01:15:45Z")
I knew for sure that I was getting old when I stopped laughing at commercials for hemorrhoid medication. I’m sure that the relevance of that to this thread is obvious. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/26 "2009-09-25T01:15:50Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > I know a fellow who taught (outdoor ed) the use of a stick rather than toilet paper. I can imagine one being used to \*induce \*defecation, but not to clean up afterward… ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/27 "2009-09-25T01:24:23Z")
Disposable toilet paper? What is wrong with you people? I present: [The Leifheit Micro Fibre Toilet Cloth Anti Bacterial Red](http://www.cleaningproductshop.co.uk/LeifheitMicroFibreToiletClothAntiBacterialRed.htm)! ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/28 "2009-09-25T01:34:28Z")
Whats the ass shrapnel factor on earth friendly stuff? And how does it work on “peanut butter in deep shag carpet” ? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/29 "2009-09-25T02:13:06Z")
If they get rid of the good toilet paper then I will just wipe my ass with environmentalists. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/30 "2009-09-25T02:40:12Z")
[Man, there is an _Onion_ article for _everything_!](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33434) ---
**Author:** ![Countrypolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/858c86/32.png) [@Countrypolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Countrypolitan)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/31 "2009-09-25T03:01:41Z")
Sears will have to start printing their catalog again. Cheap TP is the equivalent of using a corncob. Those huge industrial rolls aren’t even a ply, it’s more like half ply. I went to public schools, used state parks, and work for the gov’t–cheap TP all around. It’s Ultra Cottonelle or nuthin’. Anybody got a square to spare? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/32 "2009-09-25T03:08:54Z")
> [@Countrypolitan](#): > > It’s Ultra Cottonelle or nuthin’. Cottonelle has a variety that isn’t basically a rasp on a spool? In our household, we affectionately refer to that brand as _“Fuckin’ 'ell!”_ It’s what you use as a compromise when you don’t have easy access to ground glass and a compressor. ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/33 "2009-09-25T03:21:42Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Whats the ass shrapnel factor on earth friendly stuff? > > And how does it work on “peanut butter in deep shag carpet” ? Can I subscribe to your newsletter? > [@ShibbOleth](#): > > If they get rid of the good toilet paper then I will just wipe my ass with environmentalists. Amen! ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/34 "2009-09-25T03:52:49Z")
Seriously, how does a bidet help things? Sure it takes care of the Klingons, but you still have a soggy butt to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/35 "2009-09-25T04:36:33Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > I knew for sure that I was getting old when I stopped laughing at commercials for hemorrhoid medication. I’m sure that the relevance of that to this thread is obvious. You’re REALLY getting old when you start paying attention to those commercials, and taking note of which ones to try out. I use fabric shopping bags, for the most part, and when I do get a paper or plastic disposable bag, I re-use it. I compost, I recycle. But I am NOT going to compromise on toilet paper. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/36 "2009-09-25T05:34:52Z")
It is an absolute Eco-Hippie lie that ‘old growth’ forests are cut down and ground up to make toilet paper. To quote the Washinton Post article above “trees that are decades old”. As opposed to what? Trees that are weeks old? Anybody know how long a tree needs to grow before you get a 2X4 out of it? 3 or 4 decades also known as 30-40years. Are older trees cut down? Sometimes, but any remnants of original old growth forest in the lower 48 states are in wilderness or other protected areas, or were cut down a hundred years ago. The trees being logged are second, third or even fourth growth. That century old tree is a second growth. The forests are cut and replanted in rotation like any other crop. The wood is turned into lumber and the scraps, broken trees, limbs etc are ground into chips for paper. But if you print loaded words like ‘old growth’ century old trees, people who don’t know better get a mental picture of the giant redwoods being ground up to wipe your selfish ass. The silliness of some of the ‘Green Revolution’ crap really turns people off to other, reasonable changes that actually make sense. Wood is the ultimate renewable resource. If you want to believe that every time you take a crap a huge tree falls, go ahead. Why not skip the middle step and quit using paper altogether. Wipe with your left hand and eat with your right hand. I’m sure it will only be a matter of years before we are encouraged to follow this method from other enlightened areas of the world. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/37 "2009-09-25T05:37:23Z")
[Double-ply is _so_ yesterday.](http://www.quiltednorthern.com/ultraPlush.html) ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/38 "2009-09-25T06:34:28Z")
No worries. If the environmentalists rob us of our soft bumfodder we can fall back on the excellent recommendation of Rabelais’ Gargantua, who found the soft neck of a goose the best thing in the world for wiping the fundament. > [@](#): > > Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. Well, I’m sold! ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/39 "2009-09-25T09:02:27Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I use fabric shopping bags, for the most part Given the thread topic, I was initially reading this somewhat differently than you intended…:eek:😃 ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2009, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385/40 "2009-09-25T09:37:49Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I use fabric shopping bags, for the most part, and when I do get a paper or plastic disposable bag, I re-use it. I prefer to use toilet paper. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-environmentalists-who-want-to-do-away-with-soft-toilet-paper/511385.md?page=3)