# I pit guys who ask you to move 1500 miles for them and then dump you
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [December 11, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743 "2010-12-11T02:05:13Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@Dave\_Hartwick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Hartwick)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/41 "2010-12-11T08:56:32Z")
See, those last couple posts are all heartwarming and shit. They get it. Unlike socially-retarded assholes, who really should be pitied. And probably locked up for the sake of the children.
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### Author:  [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/42 "2010-12-11T09:07:54Z")
Saying shit isn’t making a commitment. He had no fat in the fire. He didn’t move, he didn’t pay moving costs either way (presumably), he didn’t give up his little friends for 5 months, he didn’t get a new job. He said stuff. That isn’t a commitment. Guys like this should post a bond. The ladies should insist.
There is a reason that before you can drive the new car off the lot that you must sign the papers and make a down payment. The going will get rougher than it is, and with nothing at risk for the fickle fellow, why wouldn’t he walk away?
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### Author:  [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/43 "2010-12-11T09:09:36Z")
Hey, look at the bright side, you could have ended up living with a complete douche for an indeterminate number of years.
For the record, I moved 15.000 kilometers (that’s 9000 miles for the metric impaired :D) to live with a girl I’ve known only through the Internet for a year.
Four years ago and getting better and better; it just takes the right combination of people.
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### Author:  [@Dave\_Hartwick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Hartwick)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/44 "2010-12-11T09:29:44Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#):
>
> ,
I’m trying to pity you but I keep coming up with contempt. I’ll work on it.
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### Author:  [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/45 "2010-12-11T09:43:09Z")
Sooo, **thegirlwholived** you’re saying you’re single now?
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### Author:  [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/46 "2010-12-11T15:03:24Z")
If there wasn’t a child involved in this situation, it wouldn’t be such a big bad deal. People move to new continents to live with someone they met on the internet every day. I know a few couples who are successful with this. BUT, they don’t have kids yet. That is a huge life event for a child. Kids generally don’t like change, and moving 1500 miles to a new house, new father figure, new school, new friends, etc., and then having to move AGAIN after a short while because mom and the father figure didn’t both really think this through is a bad bad thing for a little kid.
I am truly sorry this happened to the OP. It’s emotionally and likely financially draining. But when you’re taking a risk for ‘love’ like this, you have to be way more picky and sure about things when a child is involved. If it had been a couple of years of long distance, where they’ve both visited each other a number of times, the child has gotten to know the new guy (and generally likes him), maybe then you produce that huge upheaval in a child’s life. But not after five months.
Either way, hopefully she learned from this mistake and won’t do it again. I don’t think the kid could take much more of it.
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### Author:  [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/47 "2010-12-11T15:05:58Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#):
>
> Moved to NYC for a douchebag with my child only to have him, after a month, tell me he didn’t want to be a dad. Nice. Then comes back home for a visit and has the nerve to ask me to be his FWB while he’s in town. Grrrr.
Yep, what douchebag. You and your child are very very lucky to get out of this relationship so quickly.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/48 "2010-12-11T15:15:46Z")
> [@Dave\_Hartwick](#):
>
> Then you fucked up again. I said I’d been with my wife about three months in person. I knew her for a couple years.
The two years you spent trading lolcatz and working up the nerve to reveal your adult diaper fetish don’t really count, as such things are counted.
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### Author:  [@JSexton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JSexton)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/49 "2010-12-11T15:17:53Z")
I feel for the OP, who is certainly in a rough position, but there’s clearly another side to the story. I’m sure the guy wouldn’t frame it the way she did, but we can’t hear his side. Maybe he thought that the whole thing, family included was what he wanted, and it just didn’t work out? Calling him the biggest douche in the universe is pretty unwarranted without knowing a lot more about the events.
But as I said, I do have a lot of sympathy for the OP. No matter how she got here, it’s a tough road ahead.
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### Author:  [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/50 "2010-12-11T16:23:31Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#):
>
> The thing is you really need to settle these issues in your mind before you ask somebody to move across country to live with you. If you’re not sure you can make that kind of committment to her, you shouldn’t ask her to make that kind of committment to you.
>
> And then, after trashing her life, you ask her if you can still keep having sex? There’s no excuse for that.
Absolutely. And that’s what the OP needs to focus on, whenever that little voice in her loins aches to let him come over for that booty call, hoping that he’s seen the errors of his ways and has changed. Or maybe she doesn’t, maybe she’s stronger, wiser (and maybe older) than I was when I was first dating as a single mom and will never be interested in the douchelord again. For her sake, I hope so.
And I also agree with\*\* Lacunae Matata\*\*, who was definitely wiser than I when I started treading the dating waters as a single mom. Don’t introduce your dates to your kid until you’ve been dating (in person!) for quite some time and you’ve got a real sense that things will work out \*and \*he’s ready for parenthood. The rulebook for dating as a single mom just isn’t the same as dating with no attachments.
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### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/51 "2010-12-11T16:30:29Z")
Neither party necessarily has to be ill intentioned to simply be short-sighted and immature. I certainly know that young love can foster a naive hubris that can lead to rash decsions and confident commitments that don’t carry any cynicism or malice to them. Relationships that are glossed by the artificiality and selectiveness of the internet can also lead to unrealsitic idealizations and expectations. A guy doesn’t have to be a dick to ask a girl to move, and then get cold feet when the reality of a child (not to mntion the reality of the girl herself) sets in.
Asking her for some casual ass just because he would be in town, though – that’s a dick move.
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### Author:  [@thegirlwholived](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thegirlwholived)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/52 "2010-12-11T19:01:17Z")
Wow. Some of the posts I appreciate, others I will choose to ignore. We talked for a few months before starting to “date” even though we were long distance. He came here, I went there a few times, and he didn’t meet my son until about 4 months into the relationship. I, of course, realize that being a single mother and dating is way different than dating without children involved. All I can say is that I believed him when he made the commitment to the both of us. After I came back, he flew here about 3 weeks later to “win me back”. We got back together deciding to do the long distance thing again for a much longer time. I went to visit him for a week, at which he time, he again reassured me that things were going to work out and I should let my guard down and not worry. Three days after I returned from that trip, he broke it off. I told him that was it for me and that I wasn’t going to keep going back and forth with him. Then the whole FWB request came up about 4 days before his already scheduled visit home.
Yes, I’m single. Yes, I feel terrible for putting my son through this (he loved the guy, he’s young so I’m hoping he will not remember this when he’s older) but all I can say is even though I’m not young, I tend to follow my heart probably more than I should.
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### Author:  [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/53 "2010-12-11T19:07:54Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#):
>
> Yes, I’m single. Yes, I feel terrible for putting my son through this (he loved the guy, he’s young so I’m hoping he will not remember this when he’s older) but all I can say is even though I’m not young, I tend to follow my heart probably more than I should.
For what it’s worth, my son doesn’t remember any of the men I dated before he was 6, even though he was very attached to two of them at the time. He’s 17 now.
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### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/54 "2010-12-11T19:21:27Z")
Are you still in NY or did you go back home?
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### Author:  [@thegirlwholived](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thegirlwholived)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/55 "2010-12-11T19:28:46Z")
I am back home now.
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### Author:  [@Sealemon2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon2.0)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/56 "2010-12-11T19:42:58Z")
Yeah, the FBW request was a truly asshole move on his part.
As far as think he could handle it you and the kid then punking out…well, who knows, maybe he’ll grow up and get a little more mature later in his life. Or maybe not. Either way it really is a for the best that he was honest about it as opposed to wasting every body’s time for several months or years.
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### Author:  [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/57 "2010-12-11T20:04:00Z")
Bummer. I’m sorry you went through this,
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### Author:  [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/58 "2010-12-11T20:07:26Z")
How old are you?
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### Author:  [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/59 "2010-12-11T20:08:16Z")
Sorry to hear about your bad experience.
Did you at least get to have a little fun living in NYC? Maybe it’s an experience you can look back on with some fond memories once you get settled back down again.
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### Author:  [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)
#### Post date: [December 11, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/60 "2010-12-11T20:42:02Z")
> [@Dave\_Hartwick](#):
>
> I’m trying to pity you but I keep coming up with contempt. I’ll work on it.
You do that. I’d like to see people not do this sort of thing, so I’m not going to pretend it was all hearts and flowers. The little boy was hurt and his development stifled. If it doesn’t happen again, then it is water under the bridge except for the damage done. What this woman did to her son should not have happened. She was young and naive and this kind of thing happens all the time, but that is no reason to let her boyfriend walk all over her and her son emotionally and financially. Without some kind of security (a ring, a bond, etc.) this was just foolishness.
When a man cannot find a girlfriend in NYC, there is something wrong with him when he starts something with a woman 1,500 miles away. Duh. It is no different than a mail order bride.
Yes, I understand that people in love are not exactly thinking things through, but perhaps they should.
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