# I pit guys who ask you to move 1500 miles for them and then dump you **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 11, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743 "2010-12-11T02:05:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/121 "2010-12-14T18:16:54Z")
> [@elninost0rm](#): > > Heeeeere we go… How about people give it a rest. Dio stopped posting in this thread three days ago. Why are people still looking for an argument with him? ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/122 "2010-12-14T19:09:19Z")
> [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](#): > > The second life lesson to emerge from this thread. Do not concuss yourself and then post. It leads to horrible, non sequitur, would-have-been-useless-two-pages ago posts. Right on schedule. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/123 "2010-12-14T19:52:52Z")
> [@elninost0rm](#): > > Right on schedule. Christ, you look stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/124 "2010-12-14T20:28:19Z")
I moved 1000 miles for someone I’d only known six months (no kids though), and we’ve been married 10 years now so its hard for me to be to judgemental on the OP. It was a mistake, but you have to move on and be there for your son. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/125 "2010-12-14T22:15:06Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#): > > Some of the posts I appreciate, others I will choose to ignore. Please don’t ignore the ones telling you that this was a bad idea. Because it was. Which hopefully you seem to have figured out by now. > [@BigT](#): > > What’s funny is that there are obvious rebuttals: the one that sympathy threads go in MPSIMS. It’s not like anyone has directly insulted the OP–just given (unasked for) advice. It’s not like someone like **Shot from Guns** has come in and insulted the OP “because it’s the Pit.” Wow, you really do have a hard-on for me lately, don’t you? I \*don’t \*insult people \*just \*because they’re in the Pit. I insult them because they say something \*stupid \*in the Pit. But anyway, back on topic: yes, sympathy threads go in MPSIMS, which you should make a note of, **thegirlwholived** , since it looks like you’re new here. If you rant in the Pit, and people think you did something stupid, they’re going to tell you about it. > [@thegirlwholived](#): > > I’m sorry, but who does that? Douchebarges. Like this guy. Really, it might be best if you just cut him completely out of your life. Stop answering his calls, delete his texts and emails, send any letters back unopened. Block him on Facebook or any other sites that you have in common. > [@thegirlwholived](#): > > I happen to be a great mother and everyone who has ever seen me with my child has said that. He is my first priority, but I will not revolve my entire life around being just his mother. I deserve more than that. I might not have kids, but something tells me there is a happy medium between “making your child the absolute center of your every waking moment” and “moving 1500 miles to live with a man you barely know.” > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’m happy to. Holy shit. I tagged this post so that I could point and shout “ah hah!” when he went at it again, but it’s been days now. Kudos, **Dio** ; I’m impressed. > [@thegirlwholived](#): > > I’m pretty sure people move with children all the time. Not 1,500 miles to be with somebody they barely know. You said it yourself–you weren’t thinking logically. You were acting out a romance novel, a “great love story.” Sometimes those things work out… But often they crash and burn. Five months is an \*incredibly \*short amount of time to be dating someone long-distance, no matter if you also knew them fifteen years ago when you were both still teenagers. The next time you find the urge to turn your life into a fairytale, try to step back and think reasonably. If the guy is really committed, you’ll be spending years–if not the rest of your lives–together, anyway. So what does it matter if you spend more time dating? Too, why does it have to be you moving to him? If anything, you’re the one with a need for greater stability in your life, since you have a kid. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/126 "2010-12-14T22:35:59Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#): > > Moved to NYC for a douchebag with my child only to have him, after a month, tell me he didn’t want to be a dad. Nice. Then comes back home for a visit and has the nerve to ask me to be his FWB while he’s in town. Grrrr. Been there, mate, except I was married to the bitch. That was six years ago. Not sure if she’s alive now. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/127 "2010-12-14T23:40:47Z")
> [@elninost0rm](#): > > Right on schedule. You still seem to be suffering the ill-effects of your blow to the head. Just like on old televisions shows, sometimes the best thing to do is suffer another blow to the head to make it right. I recommend that you hit yourself in the head with the “highest degree of velocity” again. If it doesn’t work, you’re not doing it hard enough. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/128 "2010-12-14T23:51:04Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > … I’ve lived seventy years now and unlike some on this board, I don’t know everything and won’t pretend I do. … So you’ve spent some of your 70 years on wine, women, and riotous living. And the rest you’ve just wasted? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![thegirlwholived](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ee59a6/32.png) [@thegirlwholived](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thegirlwholived)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/129 "2010-12-15T00:44:44Z")
No matter how hard you guys are judging me, I’m judging myself even harder. Even though I did something stupid, what he did was just wrong and hurtful. Yes, I screwed up, I know that. Thanks for the advice… ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/130 "2010-12-15T01:15:41Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#): > > No matter how hard you guys are judging me, I’m judging myself even harder. Even though I did something stupid, what he did was just wrong and hurtful. Yes, I screwed up, I know that. Thanks for the advice… Y’know, all the upthread stuff aside…you took a shot, it could have been great, no reward without risk, they say. It’s only in hindsight with the results that it looks so bad. And he’s turned out to be a tool - you are gone and now it’s his turn to cry in his beer. He’ll wake up alone 10 years from now and think “what a schmuck I was!” ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/131 "2010-12-15T01:19:47Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > So you’ve spent some of your 70 years on wine, women, and riotous living. And the rest you’ve just wasted?🙂 More or less, yes. I’ve learned mostly not to be judgmental except where politics are concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/132 "2010-12-15T01:24:00Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#): > > No matter how hard you guys are judging me, I’m judging myself even harder. Even though I did something stupid, what he did was just wrong and hurtful. Yes, I screwed up, I know that. Thanks for the advice… I’m not judging you, just advising you to learn from it. I’ve certainly made my share of bad decisions. The key is just not to make the same ones twice. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/133 "2010-12-15T02:41:36Z")
> [@thegirlwholived](#): > > No matter how hard you guys are judging me, I’m judging myself even harder. Even though I did something stupid, what he did was just wrong and hurtful. Yes, I screwed up, I know that. Thanks for the advice… What others have said. Refusing to take a risk could have been just as much a mistake. He’s the one who screwed this up. ---
**Author:** ![deanc2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/53a042/32.png) [@deanc2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deanc2000)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/134 "2010-12-15T12:11:01Z")
Hey, I feel for you. My condolences. But don’t feel too bad. You know the saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost…” You took the gamble, and it was a big one, and this time, you lost. It doesn’t mean never trust anyone again. It may just mean never trust this particular person again, at least not with this issue. I think you should consider this game lost, and go on on your own, make some new friends, meet some new guys, and most likely, if you keep trying, you’ll get to where you want to go. I’ve had alot of success meeting new friends with “[meetup.com](http://meetup.com)”. It’s very active in Los Angeles. You should check it out. You can do it. D. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/135 "2010-12-15T12:29:44Z")
Not worth it. Carry on, folks. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/136 "2010-12-15T17:10:47Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Refusing to take a risk could have been just as much a mistake. Wait, _what_? How? That’s terrible advice. Anybody who would break up with you because you didn’t move yourself and your child 1500 miles to live with them after you’d been dating for only 5 months long-distance is \*not \*the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/137 "2010-12-15T17:34:12Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Wait, _what_? How? That’s terrible advice. Anybody who would break up with you because you didn’t move yourself and your child 1500 miles to live with them after you’d been dating for only 5 months long-distance is \*not \*the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. Right, but she could have taken the risk and, like some other posters, be on her way to a decades or more longer marriage. Again, if the guy _hadn’t_ been a douchelord. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/138 "2010-12-15T17:49:12Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Right, but she could have taken the risk and, like some other posters, be on her way to a decades or more longer marriage. Again, if the guy _hadn’t_ been a douchelord. But that’s just the point–if the relationship were going to work out, it would have worked out \*regardless \*of whether she moved there after 5 months or 15. So suggesting that moving out there so early was a good idea, just in case things would have gone well, is \*incredibly \*poorly thought out. I mean, let’s look at the four possible basic options: 1.) Move out early, it falls apart: Moving was bad. 2.) Move out early, it works out: Moving was good. 3.) Wait to move, it falls apart: Not moving was good. 4.) Wait to move, it works out: Not moving was neutral. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/139 "2010-12-15T17:53:57Z")
> [@deanc2000](#): > > Hey, I feel for you. My condolences. But don’t feel too bad. You know the saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost…” You took the gamble, and it was a big one, and this time, you lost. > > It doesn’t mean never trust anyone again. It may just mean never trust this particular person again, at least not with this issue. > > I think you should consider this game lost, and go on on your own, make some new friends, meet some new guys, and most likely, if you keep trying, you’ll get to where you want to go. > > I’ve had alot of success meeting new friends with “[meetup.com](http://meetup.com)”. It’s very active in Los Angeles. You should check it out. > > You can do it. > > D. Wait, she just moved 1500 miles to New York. Los Angeles, best case, is _also_ 1500 miles, just in the opposite direction. Better she should see if this meetup thing is available where she already is. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743/140 "2010-12-15T18:05:02Z")
I have a couple of questions that are basically driven by idle curiosity, so if they are offensive in any way, please just disregard them and accept my apologies. I have no desire to judge you or your behavior; by the same token I have no desire to judge this other guy either. I don’t know either of you from an anonymous anecdote on the internet. Did you move in with this guy, or did you just move to New York to live with your son near this guy? If it’s the former, it really increases the degree of dickishness on his part. If it’s the latter, then I wonder what his side of the story might be like. I know that what people say and what other people hear are always two separate things. I’ve had people tell me that I **told** them they should make major life changes just by the expression they felt I had on my face when they made a statement to me. I could imagine this guy might say, “Yeah, I met up with this girl from high school at our reunion, and we started chatting. We kept up communication for a few months after that, and it was fun. She said that she didn’t like living where she was, and said that she always loved New York and thought about moving there. I told her it was a great place to live, and that if she moved here, we could hang out. I was enjoying talking with her, and thought that if she lived nearby, it would be great to see whether this would go anywhere. So she moves up, and right away she’s talking to me about getting married in a year, and what our future is going to be like, and hearing that, and spending time with her and her son together, I felt overwhelmed. I told her that I was just not ready for this.” Of course, it could be entirely like you said it was, and he completely endorsed a future with marriage and more, and then did a complete 180. Also, what happened to your relationship with your son’s father? I’m just wondering if some of this tendency to romantic decision making on your part led to any difficult outcomes there. Again, no offense intended. Disregard completely if offended. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-guys-who-ask-you-to-move-1500-miles-for-them-and-then-dump-you/563743.md?page=8)