# I pit Jesus H. Christ **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 5, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454 "2006-09-05T00:03:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/1 "2006-09-05T00:03:14Z")
No, not the actual Jesus Christus of the Vulgate Bible! I wouldn never insult or slander _Him._ I’m talking about the falsified Christ, the lying messiah of the modern Amuricun Christian, to wit: Jesus H. Christ! You wave a flag you fly at half mast when George W. Bush is constipated on the can. You are God, and your colors sure as hell don’t run! You wrote the Dick and Jane books back in the “good old days,” and you also mixed a mean martini. My dad was Catholic, but you got to him, too. You told him jackin’ off was a sin! Do you smoke a bong? A spliff, hmm? No, but drinking’s OK, unless you’re one of those fucking Baptists with no lipstick and no dancing. It’s goddamn fucking unreal. How many “Christian” girls out there reading “Left Behind, The Series” and not putting out because they’re saving themselves for marriage, just because Jesus H. Christ told them to? (Like he isn’t sticking his nose right into those crotches with all the omnipotence he has to muster?!) I dated one of them (oral was OK, go figure). You fucking hypocrite sack of shit! **Intelligent design is bullshit, mutherfucker!** You wanna pretend you respect science but tell me that dicklodocus fucked a wooley mammoth when he couldn’t get his rocks off otherwise! That’s goddamn fucking impossible, but what the fuck, huh? How come there’s monkey’s when we evolved from monkey’s. Great argument, you dick-sucking ball of sexual frustration. Here’s the ultimate argument against Moronic Design: Even if you can show that “something else” was required to create life, or an organ, whatever, it sure as _fuck_ wasn’t you who did it, mutherfucker! You’re a Jack Chick tract cartoon, you fucking liar! Haw haw haw! And what’s with the goddamn FISHES here and there telling me you’re a “Christian business.” My experience: Run from those fuckers! “Oh, but God’s blessing me, and I tithe, and look at the fishie!” In reality, those Christian businessmen are some of the skanikiest fuckers I’ve ever encountered. Real charlatans, blessed by Jesus H. himself! A _real_ Jesus would tell us to fuck more and drink better beer. All Jesus H. does is piss on the Human Parade while borrowing Allah’s virgins for a bang. It’s fucking bullshit, and it’s got to stop. Bring back the real Jesus–that mutherfucker turned water into wine and could PARTY without shame or guilt. A Democrat to boot! ---
**Author:** ![IntelInside](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a5b964/32.png) [@IntelInside](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IntelInside)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/2 "2006-09-05T00:17:48Z")
Are you pitting popsicle sticks, pogo sticks, and crackers, too? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/3 "2006-09-05T00:33:55Z")
I enjoy a good drink from time to time, myself. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/4 "2006-09-05T00:35:38Z")
The H stands for hysterical. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/5 "2006-09-05T00:46:40Z")
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip] I enjoy a good drink from time to time, myself. [/QUOTE] But not a bong–that’s against the rules! ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/6 "2006-09-05T01:13:32Z")
I hear Jesus H. Christ drives a beater, but he’s looking to sell it. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/7 "2006-09-05T01:17:34Z")
Jesus can set you on fire with the power of his mind. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/8 "2006-09-05T01:21:25Z")
Aeschines, when I said “When come back, bring batshit crazy” I knew you would, but this OP is a special Aschines brand of batshit crazy… ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/9 "2006-09-05T01:24:41Z")
I don’t care what they may know I don’t care where they may go I don’t care what they may know Jesus is just all right, oh yeah Jesus is just all right ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/10 "2006-09-05T01:25:38Z")
Nah, the “H” is for “Haploid.” ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/11 "2006-09-05T01:26:27Z")
[Quote=Aeschines] A real Jesus would tell us to fuck more and drink better beer. [/Quote] Clearly you are not a True Believer. A _real_ Jesus would take a bag of Doritos and a case of PBR and turn them into 50 pounds of steak fajitas and a dozen bottles of Jack Daniel’s. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/12 "2006-09-05T01:26:57Z")
[QUOTE=FinnAgain] Jesus can set you on fire with the power of his mind. [/QUOTE] :dubious: But is he hotter than the fire of a thousand suns? ---
**Author:** ![Annie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/858c86/32.png) [@Annie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/13 "2006-09-05T02:06:55Z")
[QUOTE=El\_Kabong] Clearly you are not a True Believer. A _real_ Jesus would take a bag of Doritos and a case of PBR and turn them into 50 pounds of steak fajitas and a dozen bottles of Jack Daniel’s. [/QUOTE] [Jesus Was Way Cool](http://www.asklyrics.com/display/King_Missile/Jesus_Was_Way_Cool_Lyrics/18771.htm) [QUOTE=King Missile] He could have turned wheat into marijuana Or sugar into cocaine Or vitamin pills into amphetamines [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/14 "2006-09-05T02:22:33Z")
I sure do hope you feel better now. Because otherwise that was **such** a waste of time. ---
**Author:** ![newcrasher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b3f665/32.png) [@newcrasher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcrasher)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/15 "2006-09-05T02:38:54Z")
WIth a slight tweak this could have been a good pitting. Alas it misses the mark. Weak and worthy of ridicule. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/16 "2006-09-05T02:54:49Z")
It’s Jesus M. Christ. For Monkeyfucking. I learned that in Las Vegas so it must be true. ---
**Author:** ![parrot\_recipes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/439d5e/32.png) [@parrot\_recipes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parrot_recipes)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/17 "2006-09-05T02:57:05Z")
[QUOTE=Aeschines] A Democrat to boot! [/QUOTE] I’d heard he was a commie. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/18 "2006-09-05T02:59:01Z")
[QUOTE=newcrasher] WIth a slight tweak this could have been a good pitting. Alas it misses the mark. Weak and worthy of ridicule. [/QUOTE] What would the tweak be, out of interest? I myself would have used “massive changes” or “huge alterations”. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/19 "2006-09-05T03:00:43Z")
[QUOTE=FinnAgain] Jesus can set you on fire with the power of his mind. [/QUOTE] Are you sure you’re not thinking of Chuck Norris? ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2006, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454/20 "2006-09-05T03:01:34Z")
[QUOTE=Revenant Threshold] The H stands for hysterical. [/QUOTE] Herman, for crying out loud, Herman. I learned it from my dad. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-jesus-h-christ/371454.md?page=2)