sigh…
I’ve done this. My brother and my sister in law have been happily married coming up on three years in June. When they met, he’d just gotten out of a very bad relationship, his head wasn’t where it should have been and I was afraid that it was all rebound and she’d use him like a cheap toy then throw him away. I didn’t want his head fucked with any more, and I was very vocal about it. As it turns out. she’s good for him and loves him to distraction. Who knew? But it took a lot of time and fence mending for her and I to get past things that should have stayed in my head.
It was entirely my fault for being such a judgemental protective big sister, but it’s hard to keep one’s big mouth shut when it’s your little brother and you’re close.
He’s going to figure out for himself whether or not this relationship is worth it. And yes, if it does go sour, he’ll probably say “Why didn’t you TELL me?” Trust me, from personal experience. Better that he find out on his own than a huge rift between the two of you that may take years to heal.
Yeah, I’ve been through this too. My little brother used to be a serial dater, hooking up with a parade of women who would someitmes make catty comments about me as though I were the competition. Finally, I hooked him up with a good friend of mine, figuring I might as well get him a girlfriend I like. It worked too well. They got married last year and are expecting a baby in May.
In theory, I should be thrilled. My friend and my brother, right? But I actually felt a little twinge of jealousy, that she’s become a much more important part of his life than I am and we’ll never be quite as close as we once were.
As you correctly stated, it is HE who deserves the pitting. He is being terribly inconsiderate. Instead of stewing about this unknown woman’s “fucked up life” why don’t you, I don’t know, COMMUNICATE to your brother about how his constant vascillation is making you (sad, angry, offended). And, for pete’s sake, quit making plans with someone who obviously has other priorities.
It’s no wonder he can’t sustain a relationship if this is how your brother treats people. It ain’t nice.
Seriously, how many people here would find it reasonable if their boyfriends said “Sorry, honey, I know your dad is dying, but I promised my sister we’d visit, and… Maybe next time,” ?
If my boyfriend/spouse/SO blew me off at a time like that for a reason like that, he’d be an ex pretty damn fast.
Thanks for calling me immature. Your point? Should family members mean less to us as we age? Or that our schedules should be more flexible by age 28? Sorry to break it to you, as a full-time worker and part-time student I’m maxed out on flexibility.
Fine. I had a recent cancer scare and wanted to celebrate a benign biopsy with a trip out to see my brother, who I had worried. On top of that, there’s a huge amount of medical baggage that happened to me four years ago with my father bailing and my brother stepping in to fill the void. He didn’t step in because I asked him to, he stepped in because he saw I needed it. Yes, I was 24 and he was 22 when all this happened and maybe I should have been mature enough to handle everything but I was severely brain damaged, paralyzed and barely able to speak. So maybe that can answer your maturity conundrum, huh?
My brother has had his own life for years now and everything was fine. I was fine with seeing him biannually. Hell, I figured he deserved some time off from the family considering what my stroke put him through. Since I’m an immature brat, I am feeling a lot calmer about the situation. It’s probably best to limit my time around him and this new girl.
Maureen, I really appreciate your insight as a big sister to another. Thanks!
While it’s entirely your own business, including some of that (even vaguely) might have made your stance seem a lot more reasonable than it originally came across. IMHO.
I think what people are trying to say is that there’s this…undertone in your comments about this woman that makes it sound like you’re pissed that she’s higher on his priority list than you are, and that’s something that’s really rather unreasonable to be pissed about. Your mate taking a more vital role in your life than your parents and siblings is just the natural order of things. It’s not that they’re any less important to you, it’s just that this other person has become even more important.
I love my brother dearly. I’d do anything in the world for him in a heartbeat, and I believe that feeling is reciprocated. But we are absolutely not each other’s top priorities. His opinions and desires aren’t even in the same universe of importance to me as Dr.J’s, and my opinions and desires aren’t in the same universe of importance to him as those of his wife and child. And that’s only as it should be. Cleaving to one’s mate, and all that jazz.
You seem to have a lot of hostility toward this woman, and I’m not really getting where it’s coming from. Unless there’s a whole lot of bad things you actually know for a fact she’s said or done that you’re not telling us about, these accusations of her lying about her father or trying to come between you and your brother are really coming out of left field. What has this woman ever done to merit you painting her as such lying, manipulative, gold-plated bitch?
Is it just that she’s some Johnny-come-lately cunt who’s horning in your turf, challenging your seniority, and disrupting your family unity? Well, that’s going to be pretty much any girlfriend he ever has and eventually his wife, I’m afraid. Compared to someone who’s known him since birth, they’re all going to be Johnny-come-latelies. It’s weird and hard and sometimes a little scary at first to think that some upstart who’s only been around a little bit can be more important than you, who’s known and loved him for decades. But it’s the natural order of things. It happens. It is happening, right now. So the best thing you can do, both for your brother and yourself, is learn to accept that it’s not loosening the ties that bind you, just changing their nature a bit.
Oh, and I also wanted to point out that she ain’t the one jerking you around–that’s all your darlin’ little bro. Unless she’s holding a gun to his head while he’s on the phone with you, it is his freely made choice to toss you aside whenever she’s around then expect you to drop everything the second she’s not. That doesn’t exactly sound like a paragon of familial virtue who’s being manipulated by a whorish shrew, to me.
This is what I was trying to get at. It’s entirely possible that the new girlfriend is a gold-digging bitch who is trying to break up the family, but your OP is also entirely consistant with a smothering older sister who is jealously trying to keep her little brother from growing up. Sounds like you might be sabotaging his attempts at happiness.
I could be totally wrong on that, but ask yourself this: If your brother ended up marrying this woman next week, in what ways would your life begin to suck?
I don’t think your brother has any balls at all.
Direct your anger at your brother. He’s the one to blame here. She’s not forcing him to jerk you around–he’s a grown-up with a mind of his own. Maybe she is a bitch who asks him to ditch his plans with you, but it’s him who’s got the obligations to you, and it’s him who made the decision to treat you like dirt.
I have to say, I was willing to make an allowance for him the first time he cancelled. Supporting a loved one when they have a relative dying–that’s kind of an exception to the rule that you don’t break plans to run off and do something with someone else. But it sounds like Bro is going to make this a habit.
I wouldn’t go if I were you. There is a strong likelihood that, when you get there, he will spend most of his time with the girlfriend. And I’d tell him, firmly but calmly, exactly why you’re not going. Let him know how much he’s hurting you. It might motivate him to grow some stones.
Folks, thanks to the excellent feedback in this topic, I was able to wrest control from my id and now my ego is taking over. As a result, cool rational me booked a hotel and let my brother know that if he wants to spend time with me, I’ll be there (not holding my breath). Thanks a lot everyone! In the initial stages of disappointment, my aim for anger and hurt isn’t too exact. Now, I’m going to go off and enjoy the Arrested Development threads!
You should merely make your case to your bro that he’s screwing up his priorities. And that’s it.
Otherwise still be as available to him as you’d like to be. 'Cause (assuming you’re right) eventually he’ll see that he’s got his wrong head up the wrong place.
Just a random piece of input from my personal experience. . .
My parents both had cancer, and both my SO and I were aware that time with them was limited. They didn’t have a definite diagnosis, but still, it was a sooner rather than later proposition.
For about 4 years, they took priority in terms of family visits and holidays. We would go to hang out with the SO’s family on occasion, but the “important” holidays and longer visits were scheduled around my parents.
Now, they’re both gone, and I’ll be spending ALL the significant holidays with my SO’s family for the foreseeable future. This family, incidentally, has accepted me in an overwhelming way, and I am eternally grateful to all of them for their understanding while I “pulled my SO away from them for my own selfish needs”.
“Dying” can be shorthand for “not a lot of time left”. Even if Divorcee’s dad was doing jumping jacks when they visited the first time, it doesn’t belie the fact that if he’s got a terminal condition, her time with him is knowably limited.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
ME! ME! ME!
Nowhere in here have I seen the slightest concern for your brother’s feelings, or maybe even a desire that he find happiness with the woman of his choice, even if it meant you aren’t as big a part of his life as before. The person who suggested you grow up nailed it in one.
Okay, Dave, but she’s re-thought it. She’s repented. She’s acknowledged that she was being selfish. So why do you have to come in here, repeat something that lots of other people have said, and put your own dickish spin on it?
Could be he spent the last eighteen hours coding all those "me"s and didn’t notice she’d posted a retraction while he was composing his post.