# I pit my Mom, Grandma, Sister, Aunts, Uncles, and Friends **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 23, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529 "2006-10-23T03:25:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/21 "2006-10-23T08:03:14Z")
[QUOTE=overeasy4] You are correct. The older I get, the more it dawns on me how nice a big family would be; people who are there for you. How wonderful having your own child is. If everyone thought that way, there would be no humans. [/QUOTE] My family is, in general, not there FOR me but AGAINST me. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/22 "2006-10-23T08:13:47Z")
Your answer should be, “When are you going to have your funeral?” (OK, it works best when asked “When’s your wedding?” but it can apply here too) ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/23 "2006-10-23T08:31:10Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. [/quote] Hey, it’s not like [they’re](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Selfish_Gene) much better. Oh, and your opinion is idiotic. I’m not saying that because this is the Pit, but because your opinion is idiotic. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/24 "2006-10-23T09:21:27Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. [/QUOTE] And there was me thinking it was the genes that were selfish. (Dude, genes don’t have emotions. Long-dead primordial slime is not going to get upset if the OP doesn’t want to propagate. And there’s no other way I care to interpret your frankly bizarre post, so I’ll leave it at that.) ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/25 "2006-10-23T09:25:01Z")
I swear **Revenant Threshold** ’s post was not there when I posted. But I see by the timestamp it was. I apologise for duplicating his scything wit. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/26 "2006-10-23T09:25:25Z")
[QUOTE=Revenant Threshold] Oh, and your opinion is idiotic. I’m not saying that because this is the Pit, but because your opinion is idiotic. [/QUOTE] Totally agree. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/27 "2006-10-23T10:30:41Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] I know everyone else in this thread is hopping on board with you because in this day and age going against the status quo is cool and unique and nonconformist, but I’m going to unfortunately tell you my opinion and won’t beat around the bush. It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. You’ve got millions of years behind those suckers telling them to multiply while they still can, I just hope that one day when you’re too old you don’t regret it. When youre 80 it won’t be your dogs, or your job, or your material goods that make life worth living, but your spouse, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. [/QUOTE] You know why I’m not having kids? Because I’d suck horribly at being a parent. I have absolutely nothing in the way of maternal instinct. People whip out the pictures of babies or pass their kid around, and I do a polite smile, check over pictures/coo at baby, pass it along to the next person. I also don’t want to inflict on a child the crappy set of genetics that my husband and I ended up with. Between the two of us, we’ve got familial histories of diabetes, cancer, migraines, severe bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and severe depression, not to mention really awful eyesight. Really, I’m happy for my friends who are having kids, but there isn’t the barest stirring of wanting one for my own. I sometimes get people like you who try to guilt me into it. I ask - why?! Why would you try to convince someone who says that they **don’t like children** into having babies? I half suspect that feeling expected to have kids is one reason why we have neglectful or abusive parents. Have a kid or two or more because you’re supposed to, and you get a parent who’s resentful. That’s a recipe for having children and grandchildren who when you’re 80 will dislike you and not want to see you. Years ago, before my husband and I got married, a sister-in-law of mine kept telling us that we’d want a kid, that you “don’t really grow as a person until you’re a parent,” etc. These days, she’d totally reversed her opinion, said that we’ve made the right decision for us, and corrected herself to say that it’s not that you don’t grow as a person until you’ve had kids, it’s that you don’t **age** until you have them. I applaud and admire good parents. I also really dislike it when anyone tries to convince others that having children is the most important thing in life - for some people it well can be, for others it will be a very bad decision. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/28 "2006-10-23T11:36:57Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] I know everyone else in this thread is hopping on board with you because in this day and age going against the status quo is cool and unique and nonconformist [/quote] Or, because if you really don’t want kids, then by far the smartest thing to do is not have them. I don’t speak for everyone, but when I’m making life decisions, I seldom give any thought as to whether I’m being “cool and unique and noncomformist.” > [@Bob55](#): > > It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. I happen to have a kid, and she’s great and I love her and I’m glad I have her, but I’m fairly certain that if I didn’t the world would continue to spin without my genetic contribution. > [@Bob55](#): > > When youre 80 it won’t be your dogs, or your job, or your material goods that make life worth living, but your spouse, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. That’s a charming bit of glurge. That’s \*all \* it is, though. > [@Bob55](#): > > I have so many friends in their very late 20s and early 30s now who aren’t even close to being married because they’d rather go to bars, drink, or lease BMWs. They are playing Russian Roulette with their genes if they think they’re going to be popping out kids into their 40s, it only gets harder and harder as each year goes by. How dare people put their own happiness before that of their friends, who want to live their lives for them \*because they \*_know \*\* what’s best, dammit_! > [@Bob55](#): > > I’m really not telling you this to be mean, and it is only my opinion so please don’t flame me for my beliefs just because it’s the pit. I’m telling you this because I really would hate to see you one day regret this decision you’ve made to care about things that are meaningless just to avoid having kids. You’re telling her this because you are incapable of imagining a good life that isn’t \*your \* life. Your failure of imagination is your own problem. You don’t get to decide what’s meaningless for anyone except you. **pimaspinner** , try telling people that you’ve sworn off having more kids until you can remember where the hell you left that last one. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/29 "2006-10-23T12:16:05Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] **pimaspinner** , try telling people that you’ve sworn off having more kids until you can remember where the hell you left that last one. [/QUOTE] I actually know a 10-kid family that once lost two of them and didn’t notice… another one broke an arm and didn’t learn about it until several years later (his Mom had been telling him not to be a wuss when he complained that it hurt). Is that what having kids is about? I hope not. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/30 "2006-10-23T12:35:41Z")
Our answer was always “about nine months after we get pregnant.” We did have fertility problems, but used this even before we had fertility problems - and we never had a followup on if we were actually trying to get pregnant. If so, you can go into great detail about how often you try, what positions you use, and how you’ve discovered that oral or anal sex does not result in pregnancy. ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/31 "2006-10-23T14:13:14Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] . . . I just hope that one day when you’re too old you don’t regret it. . . . [/QUOTE] Hey Bob, would you do me a favor and rewrite this post in the form of an “inspirational email?” Because I wanna title it _ **OMFG!!! SEND THIS 2 EVARYONE U LOVE!!!1111!!1** _ and spam the fuckin’ world with it, it’s such a treacly pile of steaming shit. ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/32 "2006-10-23T14:33:03Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] I know everyone else in this thread is hopping on board with you because in this day and age going against the status quo is cool and unique and nonconformist, but I’m going to unfortunately tell you my opinion and won’t beat around the bush. It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. You’ve got millions of years behind those suckers telling them to multiply while they still can, I just hope that one day when you’re too old you don’t regret it. When youre 80 it won’t be your dogs, or your job, or your material goods that make life worth living, but your spouse, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I have so many friends in their very late 20s and early 30s now who aren’t even close to being married because they’d rather go to bars, drink, or lease BMWs. They are playing Russian Roulette with their genes if they think they’re going to be popping out kids into their 40s, it only gets harder and harder as each year goes by. I’m really not telling you this to be mean, and it is only my opinion so please don’t flame me for my beliefs just because it’s the pit. I’m telling you this because I really would hate to see you one day regret this decision you’ve made to care about things that are meaningless just to avoid having kids. [/QUOTE] Who said I had great genes? If I ever made a decision to have children, it would not be based on propogating my genes. It’s selfish of me to not want to have children? OK, so be it. I’m selfish. :rolleyes: I don’t think the human race is going to suffer because I decided to stay out of the gene pool. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/33 "2006-10-23T14:41:00Z")
**pimaspinner** – I wonder if your resolve would hold up, if you held a baby in your arms, pressed his/her tiny cheeck to your face (in a nice way, I mean), & _deeply_ sniffed the “new baby” smell. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/34 "2006-10-23T14:41:28Z")
[QUOTE=pimaspinner] I don’t think the human race is going to suffer because I decided to stay out of the gene pool. [/QUOTE] My genes really suck. You guys should be\* thanking \*me for not spreading them. ---
**Author:** ![susan\_foster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@susan\_foster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan_foster)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/35 "2006-10-23T14:52:22Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] When youre 80 it won’t be your dogs, or your job, or your material goods that make life worth living, but your spouse, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. [/QUOTE] Gosh - the only people who will value me in life, and that I will value, will be those that I give birth to? What’s wrong with me? Can’t people like me without these attachments? Susan ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/36 "2006-10-23T14:56:50Z")
[QUOTE=Lissa] My husband and I get this all the time. Not from family too much, but still some. My husband gets it at work all the time, or at elast he did. Many of the owmne there like him, he is a genuinely nice fellow that moved up quickly, amkes good money and is kind and compassionate. Thus, he always gets, you should be a dad. Anyways, he wanted to put an end to it. So one day, on a whim, when someone said that he replied “My wife is sterile, we can;t have kids”. The outpouring of “oh fuck, I just put both my feet in my mouth” was immediate. Hubby calmed them down, said it is ok, they did not know. All he had to do is tell one person this. The rumor mill grabbed it up and no one has ever mentioned it again. It has been 6 months now. [/QUOTE] And you’re probably about 6 months away from a new round of questions: “are you aware that there are other ways- you could adopt, you know? Or use a surrogate?” 😉 I have a friend who isn’t interested in a relationship or kids, feels that they’re too much trouble. I don’t try to change his mind, because if you don’t want kids then you don’t want them- why be guilted into doing something like that? You have to want to do it or it’ll be a bad outcome for you and the kid. Everyone has their own reasons for living their life the way they do, and it’s not up to me to make them live their life the way I’ve chosen to live mine. But I can’t help but think that when he’s old, he’ll have no one. And since he’s my buddy I feel bad about that. Despite the flak that Bob55 is taking for his opinion, I know that when I grow old I’ll be happy to have a family. Call it glurge, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Maybe my buddy will find happiness elsewhere, and if so, more power to him. That’s great. But for my money? I know that it’ll bring me great joy to see my kids with their SO’s, maybe kids of their own. It’s not always easy to find happiness in life, but having a family makes me happy, so I can’t imagine it any other way. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/37 "2006-10-23T14:57:56Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] I know everyone else in this thread is hopping on board with you because in this day and age going against the status quo is cool and unique and nonconformist… [/QUOTE] umm… going against the status quo is _always_ non-conformist… that’s why they call it that… ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/38 "2006-10-23T15:10:10Z")
I don’t understand the need to justify your decision to anyone. Just say “This topic is not up for discussion. This topic is not up for discussion.” repeat as needed, over and over until they get the point. Some people love to make babies and some don’t- that’s everyone’s choice. Tough shit for anyone that doesn’t like your choice. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/39 "2006-10-23T15:35:20Z")
[QUOTE=Bob55] I have so many friends in their very late 20s and early 30s now who aren’t even close to being married because they’d rather go to bars, drink, or lease BMWs. They are playing Russian Roulette with their genes if they think they’re going to be popping out kids into their 40s, it only gets harder and harder as each year goes by. [/QUOTE] Oh, won’t someone please **think** of the **genes**? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2006, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529/40 "2006-10-23T15:35:36Z")
Heh, I’m one that recently went from “I’m never gonna have kids” to parenthood, so I can see a bit of both sides of the whether-to-have-kids issue. There is no question that having family etc. put pressure on you to have kids is counterproductive in every way - people will have kids for their own reasons, and the issue has to my mind no moral dimension at all - whether to have kids or not, that is one’s own choice; I don’t think either state is morally superior to the other. Either decision can be “selfish” depending on circumstances, and why not? Certainly, no-one should make such a major life-altering decision just to please others. By the same token however, there is no doubt that for many people, one’s thinking on the matter does evolve as one grows older. Things change. People change. Not everyone does of course, but many do. I did. That’s why I would never recommend having any sort of irreversable surgery to render oneself infertile. It would be a very bad thing to have as a regret, if one should change one’s mind. I think that in my case the initial decision to have kids was in essence for selfish reasons. I (and my wife was similar in this respect) wanted to experience this whole facet of life (I think that one should in general try to experience as much of life as possible); we worried that we would regret not having a kid when it was too late; and above all, we wanted to re-experience the perspective of childhood, to do all those things that our parents did with us - the first trip to the beach, learning how to draw, reading stories together. Once the kid came, of course, everything changed. It wasn’t as I imagined it would be. In some ways it was worse (I never dreamed of how much work was involved); in some ways better (one really cannot describe seeing a child’s very first smile). Over all, it became less about _me_ and my wife; you realize that, in a way, all your life you have (as it were) been the protagonist of your own story - and now that you have a child, the child is more the protagonist. The story shifts to him, and you are in as it were the supporting roles. Whereas before it was (as it were) your job to do the best you can for yourself (and indeed having kids is an aspect of that), now it is your job at least in part to do the best that you can for another - your child. I think that for people not ready or willing to make this huge adjustment, parenthood would be more of a burden than a joy, and it would be better not to do. I think it is absurd to pass any sort of judgment on this choice. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-mom-grandma-sister-aunts-uncles-and-friends/377529.md?page=3)